скачать книгу бесплатно
He shuffled through his mental list. Diaper changed. Warm bottle. Patting her back to help her remove any lingering bubbles in her tummy. Swaddled. Multiple attempts at a pacifier, although he’d qualified that as a fail, since he couldn’t even get the baby girl to keep it in her mouth.
Nothing seemed to work. If anything, the more attention he paid to Noelle, the harder she cried, and now she was making little hic sounds when she breathed. He was afraid she was hyperventilating.
Could babies hyperventilate? It frightened him that he didn’t even know the answer to that question.
What if she passed out? What if something was seriously the matter with her? Had Dr. Delia missed something critical when she’d examined the baby?
Noelle scrunched up her tiny face and sneezed. Shawn reached for his cell phone, then stopped and shook his head, laughing at how easily flustered he was getting.
Who was he going to call? Emergency services? And say what?
Hello, can you help me? My baby just sneezed!
“I’m overreacting, aren’t I, little darlin’?” he murmured to Noelle. Her face relaxed, and she quieted, appearing to respond to the sound of his voice. Well, that was good, right? He kept talking. “Let me tell you, sweetheart, I have a brand-new appreciation for the parents of infants. Is this what Eli and Mary are going through every night right now? Huh? You think?”
Noelle sneezed again.
“Uh-oh. I hope you’re not getting sick. Dr. Delia was pretty thorough when she was examining you, and she pronounced you good to go, at least for the time being. But I suppose there’s always the possibility that she missed something. Are you coming down with a cold, little darlin’? Or am I just being a worrywart?”
He chuckled softly when he realized Noelle had stopped crying. When he gazed down at her, he realized she was looking at him expectantly, sucking contentedly on her tiny fist.
“So that was all you needed? A little man-to-baby conversation? Well, I don’t mind talking to you, sweetheart, but wouldn’t it be great if we could table this discussion for now and pick it up in the morning?” From the expectant look on her face, it seemed the answer to that question was no.
Well, if all he had to do was talk, he supposed he could handle that. He was a preacher, after all. Words were his livelihood.
Just not in the middle of the night.
He took a seat on his plush easy chair and kicked back the footrest so he could settle Noelle on his shoulder. He’d heard young parents joking about how their babies had their days and nights mixed up, but he’d never quite understood what that meant.
Now he got it, and got it good.
If nothing else, taking care of Noelle over the Christmas holiday would be a tremendous learning experience for him. After what he’d experienced tonight, he had all kinds of ideas on how to be a better pastor to the parents of newborns in his congregation. Up until this point he realized he’d kind of missed the mark. For one thing, he’d be more sympathetic, and he’d be sure to look for ways to make the transition into parenthood easier. He’d never envisioned the type of sacrifice parents made on a daily—and nightly—basis, and he imagined a strong support system would make all the difference in the world for them.
Noelle gurgled, and Shawn rubbed his fingertips against her tiny back. “What are you here to teach me?” he murmured, offering his heart to God and to the child. “I’m your student now. You’ve got me in the palm of your sweet little hand. So why don’t you tell me, young lady—what am I here to learn?”
* * *
In a more innocent time of her life, Heather’s favorite time of the year had been Christmas. Peace on earth, goodwill to all. She recalled participating in joyful caroling parties with hot apple cider and eggnog afterward. Joining in the throng of busy shoppers as they scurried around trying to catch seasonal deals for their loved ones. The anticipation as she wrapped presents and created pretty, elaborate homemade bows to tie around them. And most of all, she remembered the joy of celebrating God made Man in the person of Jesus. The nativity.
All of that had been part of her best childhood memories.
But her parents had passed on, and all the goodness associated with the season had gone by the wayside during her years with Adrian. Oh, they’d attended their fair share of Christmas parties, but Adrian was in the habit of secretly imbibing on the side. Then afterward, he’d cross town to where no one knew him and hit the bars until he was stumbling drunk.
He despised Christmas, and he’d mocked her attempts to give their house a personal touch for the season. He’d insisted on professional decorators and expensive ornaments, and eventually she’d just stopped trying. She hadn’t even bothered to give any input—it wasn’t like anyone listened to her wishes, anyway. It was just more work for her to do and there was no one but her to enjoy it. There wasn’t much joy in her life to celebrate. Adrian would complain about the twinkling lights and the space it took up and failed to appreciate the tree and Christmas decor for what they represented.
Church services became exercises in deception. So many people loved and respected Adrian, an active leader and deacon in the church. To members of the congregation, she strived to appear to be the happy, faithful wife of a charming man, with a seemingly perfect marriage and not a care in the world.
What a lie. A whole pack of them, as a matter of fact.
Well, no more.
But even though she no longer carried the weight of the lies on her shoulders, the damage they had done to her still remained. Some days it was all she could do to rise out of bed and go about her daily activities. Her foster children—nine-year-old Jacob, seven-year-old Missy and three-year-old Henry—gave her the strength to face life again. Their precious hugs and sweet laughter made even the worst of days bearable.
This year she’d purchased a freshly cut Virginia pine tree from a tree farm. No artificial trees in her house. If she was being honest, it was as much for her as for the children. It filled her heart with great joy to see the children’s excitement as they spotted the perfect tree and hauled it inside. Little hands helped as much as the big ones did.
The tree filled her home with the crisp, refreshing scent of evergreen. She’d helped the kids decorate it with a string of lights and candy canes, and then they’d threaded popcorn and cranberries and draped them over the branches for the final touch. Every cent she made from the state for fostering went straight back into caring for the children, and on the tiny salary she made as a virtual assistant, she was barely making ends meet. It was unfortunate that her finances didn’t stretch nearly as far as she would have liked, and this year, at least, she wasn’t able to afford the shiny new glass ornaments displayed in the window of Emerson’s Hardware, but if her years with Adrian had taught her anything, it was that fancy decorations didn’t make for a better holiday.
Simple pleasures were worth treasuring. She was surviving and taking care of the children, and for now, that was enough. She’d budgeted every spare dime to purchase at least one gift for each of the kids from their wish lists, and it was important to her that she followed another old Lewis tradition, so their stockings were overflowing with tokens of her affection, small and inexpensive though they were.
The scene this Christmas morning was picture-perfect. All that was missing was the pitter-patter of feet and the happy squeal of children.
She didn’t have to wait long before she heard stirring from down the hall. She promptly attuned her practiced ear to the sound. Muffled whispers emanated from the shadowed spot where the hall met the living room.
“Come out, come out, wherever you are,” she called, infusing gaiety into her voice. “Who wants to see what Santa brought this year?”
Heather closed her eyes for a moment and simply savored the lovely sounds of Christmas. Children. Laughing, happy, excited little voices. She allowed the cheerful clatter to penetrate and fill her empty heart and warm her icy spirit.
Her eyes snapped open and her pulse quickened at the sudden shrill buzz of her cell phone. She’d turned the sound back on as she did every morning, but she wasn’t expecting a phone call, especially at this time of the morning and on Christmas Day.
She put a hand to her chest to still her galloping heart. She was sick and tired of her first reaction to the phone or doorbell being a spike of terror. It had been several years now since Adrian had been incarcerated, and still she dealt with this. She’d thought moving back home would help. How long would it take her to relearn the basics, replacing her automatic fear impulses with healthy responses?
“Wait for me, my sweethearts. Don’t go looking in your stockings until I’m off the phone,” she admonished the children playfully. She reached for the phone in the pocket of her bathrobe. It was a long-standing habit of hers to keep her cell close by, even while she was sleeping. Better safe than sorry.
She glanced at the number. She didn’t recognize it, but it was local.
“Hello?” She hoped her voice didn’t sound as shaky as she felt.
“Heather? This is Pastor Shawn O’Riley. I apologize for interrupting you on your Christmas morning.”
“Shawn?” The baby. Heather’s adrenaline spiked along with her anxiety. “Is something wrong with Noelle?”
“No—no,” he answered hastily. “Well, maybe. I’m not sure. I think perhaps it’s just that I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never been in charge of a baby before.”
Heather pinched her lips and shook her head at the irony. A pastor, a man used to directing others, had in one single night discovered that caring for an infant offered a completely different set of challenges. Even a natural leader couldn’t make a baby do what he wanted her to do.
But there were some men who would try.
She shoved out a breath. Shawn had given her no reason to suspect he might fall into that category. “Can you be more specific?”
“Let’s see...I’ve changed her diaper, fed her, burped her—repeatedly, as a matter of fact. It’s a never-ending cycle, it seems.”
Welcome to parenthood, Heather thought. She’d never had children of her own, but for a while just after graduating from college she’d found great happiness working in a day-care center. In her heart of hearts she’d desperately wanted a baby of her own, but the idea of Adrian fathering any children she might bear had left her frightened beyond words at the prospect of conceiving and bringing a child into her terrifying and hopeless world. She hadn’t dared to have a child, who’d have been immediately put at risk.
“Sounds like you’re doing everything right,” she assured Shawn, forcefully shifting her thoughts to the present. To Noelle.
“I hope so, but I sure don’t feel like it. She’s a little darlin’, but I’m beginning to think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, so to speak. I’ve tried everything. I’ve done bathing, swaddling, attempting to coax her to take a pacifier—which, incidentally, is much more difficult in practice than it looks at first approach.”
Heather chuckled. “It takes some getting used to.”
“Yes, but here’s my problem. The one thing I cannot get her to do is sleep. She’ll only doze off for a few minutes at a time, and even then, it’s only if I’m rocking her in my arms. The moment I try to lay her down on her own, her eyes pop back open and she starts wailing in earnest. Then the whole process begins again.” He sighed deeply.
It sounded as if the poor man was sleep-deprived in a major way. Heather imagined it was hard enough to care for a newborn when there were two parents in the house to tag-team on getting some rest. She had to admire Shawn for taking such immense responsibility on his own shoulders, even for one night. It wasn’t something she would have expected from a single man.
But why was he calling her?
“Is there something I can help you with?” she asked, her breath catching in her throat as she waited for his answer.
His groan was one of utter defeat. “No. Not really. I guess I just wanted to hear the sound of someone’s voice, an adult someone, that is—and maybe be reassured that I’m doing everything I need to be doing for Noelle. I don’t want to mess this up. Jo Spencer considers you the resident expert, since you raise foster kids and have worked in day care and everything. I figured you were the one to call. I would hate to think I accidentally overlooked something important that I could have done to make Noelle more comfortable. Anyway, thanks for listening. I appreciate it.”
“Do you have anyone who could come over and spell you for a while so you can get some sleep?” Heather didn’t know why she asked. It wasn’t as if this situation had anything to do with her. Not directly. She wasn’t Shawn’s friend, and she didn’t want to be, thank you very much. But this concern she felt wasn’t truly for his sake, was it? No, it was for Noelle. The sweet baby deserved loving, capable care. And while Shawn seemed to be earnestly trying his best, he was unpracticed at child care even when he wasn’t sleep-deprived. “A friend? A neighbor?”
“No. This is all on me. I wouldn’t want to pull anyone away from sharing Christmas with their families.” He stifled a yawn. “I’m sure I’ll make it...somehow.”
“I can’t leave my foster kids.”
“Of course not.” He sounded genuinely surprised. “I wouldn’t expect you to, even if you could.”
“My parents are no longer living, so I don’t have any help from that quarter.” She didn’t know why she felt the need to rationalize her actions to him, but there it was. “I’m single. I have no one else to watch them.”
“Seriously, Heather. I’m not asking for you to go out of your way for me and Noelle. I guess I shouldn’t have called. I didn’t mean to bother you or to put any kind of pressure on you.”
“You aren’t bothering me,” she replied, which was half true. It would be a good long time, if ever, before she was completely comfortable around men—particularly those who claimed to be men of faith. But this was about the baby, and making sure the tiny infant was taken care of could never be a bother.
She squeezed her eyes closed and took a deep breath—in through the nose, out through the mouth—as she’d learned through many, many months of therapy.
Be calm. Relaxed. Composed.
She knew she was going to regret the next words coming out of her mouth, but she’d made a promise to herself and God that she’d help children in need whenever and wherever she found them. It was, in a sense, her penance for all of the mistakes she had made.
And at this moment, that meant she was going to help Noelle.
There was nothing she could do for the two children who’d died instantly after being sideswiped by Adrian’s car as he swerved all over the road in a drunken haze. She couldn’t turn back the clock and keep Adrian from walking out the door on that fateful day, even though she’d known he’d had too much to drink and that he was going to get behind the wheel and drive. She’d only been thinking about herself at the time. She’d wanted him gone, and she’d let him walk away.
She wished she could make things right, but she couldn’t. However, she could do something for the tiny baby who’d been abandoned by her mother on Christmas Eve. She could—and she would.
“I know I said I can’t leave my kids alone in the house, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come over here. I will set an extra plate, and you and Noelle can join us for Christmas dinner. I’m sure the kids would love to have extra guests at the table. I’ll be happy to watch Noelle for a bit while you catch a power nap. Unless you have other plans, that is.”
“No. No other plans. But are you sure I won’t be imposing on you?” Relief was evident in his voice.
“No.” Yes. “Not at all.”
“Well, then.”
Why was he hesitating? Could he hear the tentativeness in her tone?
“Oh, that’s right. You don’t have a car seat, do you?” She slung out a guess.
“That’s not a problem. A car seat isn’t necessary. It’s not an immediate issue, anyway. I’ll have to procure one eventually, I suppose, if I’m going to be the one taking Noelle to the authorities in San Antonio. But today, we can walk.”
Her shoulders slumped in relief and she dragged in a silent breath. He hadn’t noticed her uncertainty, then. Good.
“Then it’s settled. I’ll set an extra plate for you. Come over whenever you’re ready. Oh, and be sure to bundle Noelle up really well. There’s a bit of a chill in the air.”
“You’re sure you don’t mind the extra company?”
No, she wasn’t sure. She would never be sure. Probably not for one single day for the rest of her life. And she wished he would stop asking, or she was liable to give in to her doubts and capitulate.
“I’m absolutely certain,” she reassured him for what she hoped was the last time. “I’m looking forward to seeing that precious little blessing of yours.”
At least that was the truth.
Chapter Three (#ulink_f0863dbd-12c0-5e99-a1e3-5d2e4058d065)
Shawn had never been so uncomfortable in his life. Being the kind and thoughtful woman she was, Heather hadn’t said as much out loud, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was intruding on her personal family time—and that she was only allowing it because he was entirely inadequate to the task of caring for an infant.
From the moment he’d stepped into the house, Heather had swept Noelle into her arms and taken over all of the baby care. How quickly she had put the poor little infant’s world to rights. Heather had also fixed his most pressing problem, insisting he head straight into Jacob’s bedroom for a quick nap.
He’d dropped into a dead sleep but had been wakened shortly after by a phone call from Jo, inquiring how he was faring with Noelle. She hadn’t even sounded a little bit surprised when he revealed he had come to Heather’s house for help. Probably because Jo already suspected how hopeless he’d be with an infant.
Why no one had bothered to inform him that he wasn’t up to the task was beyond him. No one had uttered a single word of warning. Instead, every last one of them had played right along last night when he’d unwittingly offered to care for the infant. No one had laughed. No one had even seemed startled by his hasty proposal. They’d let him dive right off the side of a cliff without testing the depth of the water first.
How could he have known what he was letting himself in for? He was a simple cowboy preacher. He knew ranching and he had the gift of gab. He was a single man and lived alone. His needs were few.
Noelle’s needs were apparently many, or at least they were a mystery to him, and he was clearly lacking in his ability to take decent care of her. At least here with Heather, he could be assured that Noelle would have everything she needed. Though the downside was that he’d have Heather as a witness to see exactly how inept he truly was. He grinned, not bothered by the laughter that was bound to come at his expense—and if there wasn’t yet, there soon would be. Christmas Day wasn’t over. He had a while yet to display the stunning depths of his incompetence.
He didn’t really care if other folks caught a laugh or two over his present circumstances—he was laughing at himself. It was pretty funny, when he thought about it.
Chuckling, Shawn assured Jo that all was well for the time being. It was all good now—because of Heather’s generosity and help. Jo laughed with him and agreed with his assessment of Heather and then promised she’d check in on him later. Shawn tucked his cell phone into his shirt pocket and stretched to get the kinks out of his shoulders. Now that he was awake, he wasn’t sure what he should be doing.
Probably leaving. He didn’t want to take advantage of Heather’s kindness, particularly on what he understood to be her first Christmas with her foster children.
But when he padded back into the living room and spied Noelle and Heather looking so comfortable and contented together in the rocking chair, he couldn’t find it in his heart to break them up. And truth be told, even considering how awkward he felt right now being the third wheel, he wasn’t yet prepared to go off on his own and face another night of single-parent foster-daddy duty.
He shuffled toward the corner of the living room, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his blue jeans. He probably should at least offer to do something to help, but he hadn’t the faintest notion of what assistance he could give. He wasn’t family. He wasn’t technically even a guest. He didn’t know where she kept the silverware. His cooking skills were marginal. And though he could probably manage to keep the older kids occupied, he was totally useless with the baby.
“You don’t have to hold up the wall,” Heather commented with a gentle smile, brushing a long strand of mahogany-brown hair behind her ear. “Feel free to sit wherever you can find a free space, although it looks like you may have to move something to find a seat. I usually have a rule about putting away toys before new ones get taken out, but I’m being a little lax today, since it’s Christmas.”
He smiled and nodded to acknowledge her offer, but he was too fidgety to sit down just yet. Besides, standing gave him a better view of the kids. There was nothing like the sight and sound of jubilant children on Christmas morning to raise a man’s spirits.
Crumpled wads of bright-colored Christmas wrap, now ripped and forgotten, lay balled underneath the glittering tree. Heather’s three foster children were busy with their new toys. The boys, nine-year-old Jacob and three-year-old Henry, played together, pushing their shiny cast-model race cars around a plastic track. Seven-year-old Missy held a new doll in the curve of her arm and mimicked Heather’s sounds and movements as she held Noelle. It was a heartwarming sight, especially since just yesterday he’d imagined he’d spend the day as a lonely bachelor.
What a difference a day could make. Here he was, enveloped in the warmth of a child-filled house. He hadn’t realized just how wonderful it would be after having been alone all these years. It filled his heart with great joy to realize how little it took to make the young ones happy. He needed a little bit more of that innocence in his life. If only adults had the same capacity to give and receive as generously as the youngsters.
Heather hadn’t gone overkill on the number or size of the gifts—whether because she couldn’t or she chose not to, but there was no shortage in the amount of joy she’d given her children in what they had received. It was abundantly clear to anyone observing the scene that she knew each of her foster children intimately and was mindful of what they wanted and needed.
Shawn was envious of that quality in her. He apparently hadn’t been able to anticipate Noelle’s needs at all.
It was a good thing for the baby that he wasn’t going to end up being her permanent foster parent. She would no doubt go to a wonderful home with a foster mother like Heather, who had the knowledge and capacity to care for her. All of her needs would be anticipated and met without Shawn’s doltish stops and starts. She was such a sweet little girl, and he was certain she’d eventually be adopted by a nice Christian family with a mom and a dad who loved each other. Maybe she’d have other siblings to play with and a dog and a cat and a yard with a fence.
