скачать книгу бесплатно
“Time. I know. And I’m prepared to give you that. I only wish I knew that you’d actually want to be with me when that time was over.”
I looked away. That wasn’t something I could promise. I weighed Maxon and Aspen in my heart over and over, and neither of them ever had a true edge. Except, maybe, when I was alone with one of them. Because, at that moment, I was tempted to promise Maxon that I would be there for him in the end.
But I couldn’t.
“Maxon,” I whispered, seeing how dejected he looked at my lack of an answer. “I can’t tell you that. But what I can tell you is that I want to be here. I want to know if there’s a possibility for . . . for . . .” I stammered, not sure how to put it.
“Us?” Maxon guessed.
I smiled, happy at how easily he understood me. “Yes. I want to know if there’s a possibility for us to be an us.”
He moved a lock of hair behind my shoulder. “I think the odds are very high,” he said matter-of-factly.
“I think so, too. Just . . . time, okay?”
He nodded, looking happier. This was how I wanted to end our night, with hope. Well, and maybe one more thing. I bit my lip and leaned into Maxon, asking with my eyes.
Without a second of hesitation, he bent to kiss me. It was warm and gentle, and it left me feeling adored and somehow aching for more. I could have stayed there for hours, just to see if I could get enough of that feeling; but too soon, Maxon backed away.
“Let’s go,” he said in a playful tone, pulling me toward the palace. “Better get inside before the guards come for us on horseback with spears drawn.”
As Maxon left me at the stairs, the tiredness hit me like a wall. I was practically dragging myself up to the second floor and around the corner to my room when, suddenly, I was quite awake again.
“Oh!” Aspen said, surprised to see me, too. “I think it makes me the worst guard ever that I assumed you were in your room this whole time.”
I giggled. The Elite were supposed to sleep with at least one of their maids on watch in the night. I really didn’t like that, so Maxon insisted on stationing a guard by my room in case there was an emergency. The thing was, most of the time that guard was Aspen. It was a strange mix of exhilaration and terror knowing that nearly every night he was right outside my door.
The lightness of the moment faded quickly as Aspen grasped what it meant that I hadn’t been safely tucked in my bed. He cleared his throat uncomfortably.
“Did you have a good time?”
“Aspen,” I whispered, looking to make sure no one was around. “Don’t be upset. I’m part of the Selection, and this is just how it is.”
“How am I supposed to stand a chance, Mer? How can I compete when you only ever talk to one of us?” He made a good point, but what could I do?
“Please don’t be mad at me, Aspen. I’m trying to figure all this out.”
“No, Mer,” he said, gentleness returning to his voice. “I’m not mad at you. I miss you.” He didn’t dare say the words aloud, but he mouthed them. I love you.
I melted.
“I know,” I said, placing a hand on his chest, letting myself forget for a moment all that we were risking. “But that doesn’t change where we are or that I’m an Elite now. I need time, Aspen.”
He reached up to hold my hand in his and nodded. “I can give you that. Just . . . try to find some time for me, too.”
I didn’t want to bring up how complicated that would be, so I gave him a tiny smile before gently pulling my hand away. “I need to go.”
He watched me as I walked into my room and shut the door behind me.
Time. I was asking for a lot of it these days. I hoped that if I had enough, everything would somehow fall into place.
(#ulink_7e1fa00b-1ae8-569c-80cb-a4999984168a)
“NO, NO,” QUEEN AMBERLY ANSWERED with a laugh. “I only had three bridesmaids, though Clarkson’s mother suggested I have more. I just wanted my sisters and my best friend, who, coincidentally, I’d met during my Selection.”
I peeked over at Marlee and was happy to find she was looking at me, too. Before I arrived at the palace, I had assumed that with this being such a high-stakes competition, there’d be no way any of the girls would be friendly. Marlee had embraced me the first time we met, and we’d been there for each other from that moment on. With a single almost-exception, we’d never even had an argument.
A few weeks ago, Marlee had mentioned that she didn’t think she wanted to be with Maxon. When I’d pushed her to explain, she clammed up. She wasn’t mad at me, I knew that, but those days of silence before we’d let it go were lonely.
“I want seven bridesmaids,” Kriss said. “I mean, if Maxon chooses me and I get to have a big wedding.”
“Well, I won’t have bridesmaids,” Celeste said, countering Kriss. “They’re just distracting. And since it would be televised, I want all eyes on me.”
I fumed. It was rare that we all got to sit and talk with Queen Amberly, and here Celeste was, being a brat and ruining it.
“I’d want to incorporate some of my culture’s traditions into my wedding,” Elise added quietly. “Girls back in New Asia use a lot of red in their ceremonies, and the groom has to bring gifts to the bride’s friends to reward them for letting her marry him.”
Kriss piped up. “Remind me to be in your wedding party. I love presents!”
“Me, too!” Marlee exclaimed.
“Lady America, you’ve been awfully quiet,” Queen Amberly said. “What do you want at your wedding?”
I blushed because I was completely unprepared to comment.
There was only one wedding I’d ever imagined, and it was going to take place at the Province of Carolina Services Office after an exhausting amount of paperwork.
“Well, the one thing I’ve thought about is having my dad give me away. You know when he takes your hand and puts it in the hand of the person you marry? That’s the only part I’ve ever really wanted.” Embarrassingly enough, it was true.
“But everyone does that,” Celeste complained. “That’s not even original.”
I should have been mad that she called me out, but I merely shrugged. “I want to know that my dad completely approves of my choice on the day it really matters.”
“That’s nice,” Natalie said, sipping her tea and looking out the window.
Queen Amberly laughed lightly. “I certainly hope he approves. No matter who it is.” She added the last words quickly, catching herself in the middle of implying that Maxon would be my choice.
I wondered if she thought that, if Maxon had told her about us.
Shortly after, the wedding talk died down, and the queen left to go work in her room. Celeste parked herself in front of the large television embedded in the wall, and the others started a card game.
“That was fun,” Marlee said as we settled in at a table together. “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard the queen talk so much.”
“She’s getting excited, I think.” I hadn’t mentioned to anyone what Maxon’s aunt had told me about how Queen Amberly tried many times for another child and failed. Adele had predicted that her sister would warm up to us once the group was smaller, and she was right.
“Okay, you have to tell me: Do you honestly not have any other plans for your wedding or did you just not want to share?”
“I really don’t,” I promised. “I have a hard time picturing a big wedding, you know? I’m a Five.”
Marlee shook her head. “You were a Five. You’re a Three now.”
“Right,” I said, remembering my new label.
I was born into a family of Fives—artists and musicians who were generally poorly paid—and though I hated the caste system in general, I liked what I did for a living. It was strange to think of myself as a Three, to consider embracing teaching or writing as a profession.
“Stop stressing,” Marlee said, reading my face. “You don’t have anything to worry about yet.”
I was about to protest but was interrupted by a cry from Celeste.
“Come on!” she yelled, slamming the remote against the couch before pointing it at the television again. “Ugh!”
“Is it just me or is she getting worse?” I whispered to Marlee. We watched as Celeste hit the remote over and over before giving up and going to change the channel manually. I guessed if I had grown up as a Two, that would be something worth getting worked up over.
“It’s the stress, I think,” Marlee commented. “Have you noticed that Natalie’s getting, I don’t know . . . more aloof?”
I nodded, and we both looked over to the trio of girls playing their card game. Kriss was smiling as she shuffled, but Natalie was examining the ends of her hair, occasionally pulling out a strand she didn’t seem to like. Her expression was distracted.
“I think we’re all starting to feel it,” I confessed. “It’s harder to sit back and enjoy the palace now that the group is so small.”
Celeste grunted, and we peeked over at her but quickly averted our eyes when she caught us looking.
“Excuse me for a moment,” Marlee said, shifting in her seat. “I think I’m going to go to the bathroom.”
“I was just thinking the same thing. Do you want to go together?” I offered.
Smiling, she shook her head. “You go ahead. I’ll finish my tea first.”
“Okay. I’ll be back.”
I left the Women’s Room, taking my time walking down the gorgeous hallway. I wasn’t sure I would ever get over how spectacular it was here. I was so distracted that I ran smack into a guard as I turned the corner.
“Oh!” I said.
“Pardon me, miss. Hope I didn’t startle you.” He held me by my elbows, helping me regain my footing.
“No,” I said, giggling. “It’s fine. I should have been watching where I was going. Thanks for catching me. Officer . . .”
“Woodwork,” he answered, giving me a quick bow.
“I’m America.”
“I know.”
I smiled and rolled my eyes. Of course he knew.
“Well, I hope the next time I run into you, it won’t be quite so literal,” I joked.
He chuckled. “Agreed. Have a nice day, miss.”
“You, too.”
I told Marlee about my embarrassing run-in with Officer Woodwork when I got back and warned her to watch her step. She laughed at me and shook her head.
We spent the rest of the afternoon sitting by the windows, chatting about home and the other girls as we drank in the sunshine.
It was sad to think about the future just then. Eventually the Selection would be over, and while I knew Marlee and I would still be close, I would miss talking to her every day. She was the first real friend I’d ever made, and I wished I could keep her beside me all the time.
As I tried to stay in the moment, Marlee gazed dreamily out the window. I wondered what she was thinking about; but everything was so peaceful, I didn’t ask.
(#ulink_24ba663d-2db5-5403-8479-d8993dd0f134)
THE WIDE DOORS OF MY balcony were open, as well as the one to the hallway, and my room was filled with the warm, sweet air blowing in from the gardens. I had hoped the soft breezes would be a consolation for the fact that I had so much work to do. Instead they distracted me, making me ache to be anywhere but stuck at my desk.
I sighed and reclined in my seat, letting my head drape over the back of the chair. “Anne,” I called.
“Yes, miss?” my head maid answered from the corner where she was sewing. Without looking, I knew that Mary and Lucy, my other two maids, had perked up, waiting to see if they could serve me as well.
“I command you to figure out what this report means,” I said, pointing a lazy arm at the detailed account on military statistics that sat in front of me. It was a task that all the Elite would be tested on, but I couldn’t bring myself to focus on it.
My three maids laughed, probably from both the ridiculousness of my demand and the fact that I’d issued one at all. I wouldn’t have called leadership one of my strong suits.
“I’m sorry, my lady, but I think that might be overstepping my boundaries,” Anne answered. Even though my request was a joke and her answer was, too, I could hear the genuine apology in her voice for not being able to help me.
“Fine.” I moaned, heaving myself into an upright position. “I’ll simply have to do it myself. The whole lot of you are worthless. I’m getting new maids tomorrow. This time I mean it.”
They all chuckled again, and I focused on the numbers one more time. I was getting the impression that this was a bad report, but I couldn’t be sure. I reread paragraphs and charts, furrowing my brow and biting the back of my pen as I tried to concentrate.
I heard Lucy laugh quietly, and I looked up to see what she was so amused by, following her eyes to the door. There, leaning against the frame, was Maxon.
“You gave me away!” he complained to Lucy, who continued to snicker.
I pushed back my chair in a rush and ran into his arms. “You read my mind!”
“Did I?”
“Please tell me we can go outside. Just for a little while?” He smiled. “I have twenty minutes before I have to be back.”
I pulled him down the hall, the excited chatter of my maids fading behind us.
There was no denying the gardens had become our place. Almost every chance we got to be alone, we came out here. It was such a stark contrast to how I used to spend my time with Aspen: holed up in the tiny tree house in my backyard, the only place we could be together safely.
Suddenly I wondered if Aspen was around somewhere, indistinguishable from the numerous guards in the palace, watching as Maxon held my hand.
“What are these?” Maxon asked, brushing across the tips of my fingers as we walked.
“Calluses. They’re from pressing down on violin strings four hours a day.”
“I’ve never noticed them before.”
