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Okay, right, I said. How much was she making up, I wondered. I started looking around for my tobacco. Did she say he’d seen the doctor? I asked.
She said he says he’s fine, but she’s worried. They’re getting older, he said.
Yeah, I said. I sometimes regret letting those people near him. Especially her. The way she behaved when I was pregnant. I licked the gum strip and stared at the end of my cigarette.
Here. Jason lit it for me. Mum, he said. Don’t get into all that again, all that stuff from the past. His eyes held mine, blue and steady.
Okay, I said. I smoked, and felt depressed.
He straightened up. Anyway, he said, I told you. He squeezed my shoulder and went out.
You did, I said. I got up. Better do the washing-up, I said to no one. I did it carelessly and felt like the clattering dishes were harassing me. Afterwards I wiped up and cleaned the counters. I made my sandwiches. I had a shower and went to bed, but knew I wouldn’t fall asleep for a while. My neck ached, and my shoulders. And I knew it’d be there, waiting to swallow me up: the humming of the machines, the smell of the aerosol, the leather dust, the lights, the heat. I wouldn’t think about it when I’d got going and all day I’d be on the shop floor but something would be leaving me and at the end of the day I wouldn’t even remember what it was.
3 (#ulink_f03e04ae-560e-5e3e-98c1-30165a95a3a8)
Nothing’s new (#ulink_f03e04ae-560e-5e3e-98c1-30165a95a3a8)
I thought I’d forgotten the phone call but it came back. I thought about it on the way to work, then decided I wouldn’t think about it any more. Mum in her flowered apron in the kitchen making tea, her eyebrows raised, saying something, complaining. No one ever does things right. I’ll have to tell him, she says. Why do you have to? Dad says.
I don’t even know what they look like now. I’ve seen them since I left, now and again. They used to come and take Jason out for the afternoon. Before Christmas they’d come round with his present, and something for me. A scarf, a bath set. The presents made me angry. Everything about them makes me angry. Dad because he doesn’t say anything, he just lets her go on. And her because …
I got to work on time and smiled at Tom. He’s one of my favourite people. He’s in his late sixties, over retirement age, but he keeps coming in. He likes it. He says he doesn’t want to stay home, find ways to fill the time. He told me about his wife’s grandparents once. They used to be the loveliest couple, but when he retired things changed. They started bickering. You’d look at them and think, That’s not you. And about the retired men where he lives. He doesn’t live this way, he’s the other side of town. There’s a man who goes out for his paper the same time every day, he says. An Indian gentleman, Mr Singh. You could set your watch by him. Every day he goes for a walk, but so slowly, because he’s got nothing to hurry for. I’d hate to be like that.
All right, lass? Tom said. You look better today. He smiled.
I grinned at him. Better than what?
He looked down. All the while, his hand was working, pulling tight a last with the pincers. You were a bit at sixes and sevens, like, yesterday, he said.
And today? I said. Fives and tens?
He smiled, and hammered down the last with the end of the pincers. I like the way he still looks like a boy, small, his head neat.
I worked without thinking till it was near first break. There’s a watchfulness about us all, like animals that measure time. When it gets near break we stop chatting or passing the time and finish as fast as we can. Then when the bell goes it’s silent. People walking across the floor to the coffee machine, or a few of the men – John, Tom, Derek – sitting down near it. I took my coffee to sit with Helen in the closing section. I like the older ladies. Jane was talking to Cathy near her machine. Cathy had the paper open. Karen was doing her puzzle, head down. You could hear the silence and people’s heads humming. I had my book but I didn’t read. I stared at the same part of the same page and thought about the spring when I’d moved into Nan’s house, and all the things my mother said before I left. Don’t think about it, Nan said. She’s always been like that. My mother’s face, her mouth drawn tight then opening to spit out something poisonous. Don’t think about it, I thought. I thought about it furiously.
When the first bell went I shook myself and went to the loo. Someone had used the cubicle before me. I sat breathing in her smell. I thought, nothing’s new. I washed my hands, didn’t look in the mirror, and reached my station before the second bell went. The morning just passed.
4 (#ulink_eae35ac6-35d8-559f-95c5-18a90847e765)
A person who could be looked at (#ulink_eae35ac6-35d8-559f-95c5-18a90847e765)
Jason’s football practice today. I found myself slowing down on the way home. I went into the Three Bells. I sat in the garden with my shandy, thinking, there’s nothing to do, nothing to do. It was bright, white clouds moving fast across the sky. It wasn’t really warm, but it felt good to sit with my face in the sun. I drank slowly, and thought about smoking. A wasp buzzed around my glass. On another table there was a man with a lanky dog, maybe a lurcher. The man was drinking a pint and talking on the phone. The dog lay at his feet. Every now and then it got up and he would tear off a bit from a slim packet, probably a Peperami, and feed it.
After a while a couple came in. They sat down but got up again and went inside. Then a man on his own. I caught him looking, a sharp glance. Suddenly I thought about my clothes. I go to work wearing anything: jeans, a t-shirt. It’s not worth wearing nice stuff, and anyway half the year I get dressed in the dark. Jane dresses up, but she isn’t working like we are. She wears heels – not stilettos but two or three inches.
I looked at the man again, and saw him looking at me. Was he good-looking? I looked away. The wasp was getting in my drink. I waved my hand at it, caught the glass, and shandy slopped over the side.
Fuck, I said. I moved the glass and shifted away from the wet part of the bench. The man was smiling at me. He was blond, tall maybe, thinnish. His clothes fit well. He looked comfortable on his own, like he always looked the same. I found a tissue in my pocket and wiped shandy off my elbow. Yeah, very cool.
I stared under my hair at the glass, drank from it. I tried to imagine the way he might see me. He probably thought I fancied him. I didn’t want to be looked at, I wasn’t ready. Make a bit more effort, I thought. Try. Wear mascara. Do something with your hair. You’re not dead yet. Something Nan used to say. I’m not dead yet. Then she’d smile. Had I forgotten how to live? Just going on, getting things done.
I finished the shandy, imagined myself outside the factory, and the same person inside, saw myself as though I wasn’t me. A figure in the fluorescent light on the shop floor, walking there in the morning, leaving in the afternoon. A person who could be looked at without disappearing.
I pushed away the glass. A shadow went over me. It was the same man leaving. He slowed as he passed, and looked into my face. He smiled. Afternoon, he said. Nice day. I stared at him, like someone in a dark room when the light goes on. In the puddle of spilt shandy the wasp was on its side, buzzing and flailing. I had the urge to bring the glass down on it, then I was ashamed. I should have said something back. When I got up, I picked up the wasp on the edge of a beer mat and left it to dry in the sun. All the way home I was aware of myself, and my sticky elbow. What each person I passed near the shops and on the road saw when they looked at me, if they did look. I got home and took out the clothes I’d wear tomorrow.
5 (#ulink_a2be1609-09d4-5a9c-88fa-f318718d6b31)
Life was simple (#ulink_a2be1609-09d4-5a9c-88fa-f318718d6b31)
By now I should know not to listen to Katie. I should know not to listen to you, I heard myself tell her at some point in the evening but by then we were both drunk. By now, I said. We thought it was funny. It was her round and she’d come back from the bar with two drinks and two shots of something green.
What the fuck do you think that is? I said. I’m not drinking that.
It’s herbal, she said. She grinned. Come on, you can’t be boring all your life.
I picked up the glass and tilted it about. Does it get the toilet whiter than it’s ever been? I asked.
Wait and see, she said. She knocked hers back. I did the same. My throat burned and my eyes watered. Jesus, I said. She took it as a compliment.
Thursday night, she said. It’s the best time.
I work on Fridays, I said.
Half day, she said, which was true.
Why can’t we just go out on a Friday, or at the weekend? I said.
I’ll tell you everything when I see you, she said.
She always wants to go somewhere different, whichever is the new best place. You wouldn’t think there’d be so many, but she always knows – from someone at work, or someone she’s met out. This time we were in a vodka bar off Tombland.
This place is all right, I said. It was black inside, with chrome railings, and high seats at tall tables. At the bar there were groups of girls ordering pitchers of cocktails. The music was loud.
She nodded. I do salsa here on Tuesdays, she said.
Salsa? You do salsa now?
I’m going to start zumba, she said. You should try it. It’s a real laugh. She eyed me. You need to do new stuff, Claire. Shake things up. It’s like life’s –
It’s like life’s what?
She stirred her mojito and looked at me. Oh, just a sec Claire, she said. She checked her phone and started replying to a text. I watched her strong, toned arms, and the way she sat.
She put down the phone. What was I saying? she asked. Her eyes were vague.
It’s like life – I said.
She focused on me. It’s good to shake things up, Claire, she said. Change things.
Oh yeah, I said. You know me. Change, I love it.
I’d made an effort. I was wearing a dress, boots, eyeliner. I’d done my hair. I still felt invisible. The way she held herself, and her clothes, it was like she expected attention. And she got it. We were at a table near the door and all the men who passed looked at us quickly, a rush of cold air as the door opened, and then back at her as it closed.
She’s always been this way. Not just with men, but always changing, on the move, rushing from one thing to another. She talked fast, ate fast, gulped her words down. Never had to wear a coat because she ran everywhere. That Katie’s a hasty one, Nan used to say. Is she on her way to the moon?
So what’s your news? I asked.
She’d met a man, at the accountancy firm. Maybe that’s when she changed, I was thinking as she talked, after she did that course, and got her job in reception. New clothes, work, men. This one’s name is Graham.
He’s older, she said. He has his own house. Near Angel Road. He’s got a son, Sean, he’s seventeen. Graham’s divorced. He’s nice, she said. He takes me out for dinner, or we go bowling. It’s nice to actually do stuff. For someone to make an effort, you know?
It sounds great, I said. I felt sad, as though things were leaving me behind. Oh, I like your hair, by the way, I said. It suits you.
Thanks! I think I might go blonde again, though, soon. She shook it out, dark brown strands. The last time I saw her it was red. When we were young her hair was light brown, mousy Nan called it. Katie started dyeing it when we were fourteen or fifteen.
Do you fancy going for a bit of a dance? she asked.
Maybe in a bit. Hey, I said, Jason said Mum called.
Oh, really? she said. Hang on, just a minute. Sorry, Claire. She stopped to check her phone. Graham wants to go away for the weekend, she said. Up to the coast.
That’s nice, I said. I wish Mum would leave me alone.
Katie made a face. Maybe it’s time to put water under the bridge, Claire, do you think? It’s been a while.
Seventeen years, I said.
Katie changed. Her mouth became tight and angry, and her voice went nagging. Well, you always had to be special, didn’t you, she said. You think you’re better than other people.
Jesus, I said, don’t.
She shrugged. Well, she said. You had your Nan. I ran into your mum the other day, by the way.
What? You didn’t tell me. When?
Um, I can’t remember. It was near Anglia Square. I was walking through on my way to Graham’s. Evening time. She said hello to me, Hello Katie. I said hello, how are you, and all that stuff.
How did she look?
Kind of the same, a bit smaller, her hair was whiter. I see her now and again, I bump into her. Once a year, something like that. It’s not a big place, is it?
No, I said. I’m always surprised I don’t run into them more. Maybe it’s meant to be.
Katie rolled her eyes. Claire, she said. She leaned forward on her elbows. Why don’t you do something different? Leave that job. Do something new.
Like what? I don’t have any experience.
You could train. You could get some.
Doing what?
It’d be better paid.
This is a good job, I said. I mean, it’s solid.
She shook her head. Then she told me more about Graham, and Sean. Sean was getting to like her, she said. He lived with his mum, but Graham was hoping when Sean went to university he’d spend more of the holidays with Graham and Katie.
When we said goodnight I was properly drunk. On the way home off the main road I found myself running, only because I could. I was light, and fast. The drink. I went to bed too late and in the morning everything hurt: my head, my arms and legs. It was only a half-day. I couldn’t think because I was so tired. I kept drinking water, and felt a bit sick, but nothing happened. In a way I liked it, not being able to think. There was a sweetness to being hungover. Life was simple.
6 (#ulink_26f572e9-f88a-55b3-bc53-115c5158b76d)
The day and what it wanted (#ulink_26f572e9-f88a-55b3-bc53-115c5158b76d)
I woke up aching, with a sore throat. My back hurt. That doesn’t normally happen. I was having a dream. Brad Pitt came to start at the factory. I had to show him around. We ended up in bed. But people kept breaking into the room to talk to him. They wouldn’t behave normally. Brad and I sat in bed discussing it, how people couldn’t just be normal, couldn’t be human. I got up thinking, Who’d have thought Brad would be so sensible? And, it’s a pity it wasn’t Johnny. And, my back hurts. My legs hurt. My shoulders hurt. I went to bed at eleven, lights out at midnight. Friday: you know you can do what you want, assuming you can remember what that is.
I made coffee, and sat on the sofa. Then lay down. My head was full of the people I knew, little aches, like insects buzzing. Katie, Helen, Sandra, who’s Jason’s friend Steve’s mum, my older brother, haven’t seen him for years, Dad. I didn’t want to see any of them, but feeling them there made me more lonely. It was amazing how tired I was. I lay on my front and closed my eyes. I tried to ask myself what could be wrong. What should I do today? What’s wrong? Go into town. Look at some shops. Have a coffee. Behave like a person. I couldn’t even imagine the noise and press in the city on a Saturday coming up to summer. I didn’t feel sick in an obvious way. Should I have a cigarette? I asked the quiet part of me, right inside. Should I have a cigarette? It said it really didn’t matter, and that put me off more than the voice in my head saying, stop smoking, which always made me want to.
Mum, Jason said. He came in talking loudly. I can’t find my shirt. My strip. I can’t find it.
He wasn’t upset yet. He was just raising the issue.
I said still face down, Have you looked in the laundry basket the airing cupboard under your bed your chest of drawers your kit bag?
I’ve looked everywhere, he said. He went to look in the places I’d said or some of them. The conversation would be continued. He came back in. Are you ill? he said. What are you doing?
Maybe I’m coming down with something, I said.
What does it feel like?
My back was heavy. It feels I wanted to say like thirty-five years came into my body and forgot to leave. There’s too much time in here. I’m done for.
Aching muscles, I said. He snorted and went out. A bit later I heard him shout, It’s not in the laundry bin or the airing cupboard!
I needed to go to the shops and buy food. Buy food, I thought. That was one thing. And get up and move a bit. Move. That was another.
Should I call someone, I asked myself. Arrange to meet for a coffee? Too late notice. Weekend. Are you depressed? I feel uneasy with things. You’re not getting younger. You look relatively all right now. You’re relatively young. Shouldn’t things be happening? Isn’t this when things should happen? Is there something you forgot to do to make them start?
But the quiet part of me said there was no point forcing anything. It wouldn’t work. Then what should I do? Shouldn’t I do something? Is this all you want from me? I nagged. But it didn’t want me to do anything. Why is everything so fucking simple? I asked, then wanted to laugh.
Jason came back in. Kick-off’s in an hour! he said.
Did you look in your bag? I said.
He went away. Got it! I heard.
By the way there’s no food, he said when he came back in, wearing his tracksuit, bag slung over his shoulder. I had cereal. I’m just telling you. I can go to the shop on my way back but it’ll be later. Text me if you want me to. Bye Mum.
Bye, I said, and I went back to trying to understand something about the day, and what it wanted.
