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“You’re too old to be at Braymore now. It’s for younger children. At the new home you’ll be able to take your school exams and even go on to college if you want. The world is your oyster, Elsa May Malone.”
It didn’t feel like an oyster, it felt like a gloppy pudding with no sides and no form.
The new home was modern, white and stark. I thought it looked cold and unwelcoming after Braymore, and I held the handle of my suitcase so tightly that my hand hurt. I wanted it to hurt, for it filled the emptiness inside me and stopped the anger from coming back. I had to keep the crossness away if I wanted to make Bryn proud. He wouldn’t like a girl who screamed with anger at the whole wide world.
There were children playing on a green lawn beside the house. They laughed and shouted and ran, throwing balls to each other and swinging very high from a huge old tree. Two girls sat side by side, writing in blue exercise books and giggling. They glanced at me and glanced away as if I was invisible. I was so alone and afraid that the breath became stuck in my chest and dizziness clouded my vision.
Then I heard a familiar voice, the dear familiar voice that had haunted my dreams for so long.
CHAPTER SEVEN
WHEN BRYN FIRST ARRIVED at Long Meadows, he didn’t want to like it there. He wanted to stay safe in the familiarity of Appletree, with Mrs. Dibble and all his friends—especially Elsa.
Elsa. She preyed on his mind all the time. Ever since that first day at Appletree, when she’d stood there in front of him, a snarling, spitting lion cub, he had somehow felt she was his responsibility. It was up to him to help her overcome whatever demons drove her into the sad and lonely space that no one else could enter. And he had come so close to getting there. The day before Mrs. Dibble announced that Appletree would be closing, Elsa had started to talk to him—real words, not just her usual “yes” or “no.” She had even begun to tell him about a place she loved, Jenny Brown’s Bay, named after a woman who’d lived there hundreds of years ago. It had taken more than two years for Elsa to really trust him, and then they’d been torn apart. She would probably end up just like she was when he first saw her in the dining hall at Appletree.
Tears welled in his eyes and he tightened his fists. Boys didn’t cry; his father had taught him that. Boys faced up to their responsibilities. As the car slid to a halt, memories of his father came back to him—a tall, strict imposing, man. And his mother...his mother was a dreamer, an artist who lived in an airy-fairy world. She had dark hair and eyes, like him, and was slightly built. Was he a dreamer, too?
The car door opened and the sun streamed in, sun that would stay with Bryn for his entire time at Long Meadows, even when the rain came down.
The building was white and freshly painted, with wooden window frames and a deep green front door. It opened as the children approached, revealing a plump, motherly woman with the biggest smile Bryn had ever seen.
“Hello, children,” she welcomed them. “Lunch is ready. After that I’ll get someone to show you around.”
Her voice held the soft lilt of Wales, Bryn’s home country. It made him feel comfortable and more relaxed than he’d been since they’d dragged Elsa away from him. She’d looked so dejected as they drove off, a small, lonely figure with none of her fierceness showing at all. What would happen to her now? What would she do without him?
“Come on, Bryn,” urged Billy Sharp, patting him on the back. “Stop mooning over that crazy Elsa, you’re well rid of her anyway. Let’s go see our new home.”
“He’s right, you know,” added Ashley.
She looked at him with a knowing expression, gazing down from her lofty height. He suddenly felt uncomfortable under her close scrutiny.
“But she doesn’t have anyone else,” he mumbled. “And she’s not crazy, she’s scared.”
“We’re all scared, but we don’t act like her,” Ashley said, an angry edge in her voice.
Billy pulled a face. “You’re just jealous, Ash.”
“Now really, children.”
The plump lady scowled at them, revealing a hidden glimpse of steel.
All four children spoke in unison. “Sorry, Mrs....”
“Evans,” she finished. “Where are your manners? We don’t put up with bickering at Long Meadows.”
“My name is Evans, too,” Bryn chirped, and she smiled again, placing a hand on his head.
“Bryn Evans, I believe,” she said, surveying the four pairs of eyes that stared cautiously back at her. “And you three must be Ashley, Tom and Billy. Now tell me which of you is which.”
That introduction set the tone for life at Long Meadows. Bronwen Evans was not unlike Martha Dibble—strict but fair—yet she had a gentleness about her that Martha lacked, a motherly side that made every child feel cared for. Bryn wished again and again that Elsa could be here. She would like Mrs. Evans.
At Appletree, the children had slept in large rooms with five or six beds, but here they were just two to a room. He was sharing with Tom Bradley, and he was glad about that. Billy Sharpe, with his bright red hair and equally loud character, would have driven him mad. Tom was slightly built and fair, quiet and thoughtful—an easy companion.
On that first night, Bryn lay awake in his narrow bed, listening to his roommate’s rhythmic breathing, his mind full of Elsa. Oh, how he worried about her. Perhaps he could write or email, but he didn’t know where they’d sent her. Why hadn’t he asked? It had all happened so suddenly. One minute Mrs. Dibble was making the announcement; the next they were all ushered off to pack. The social worker told them that these things were best done quickly, with no time for regrets, but Bryn thought they’d definitely gotten that wrong. If they’d been given more time, he could have thought it through, talked to Elsa about it. It wasn’t so bad for him. He was eleven, but she was only eight years old—just a little kid. A frightened little kid no one understood except for him.
The moon rose, filtering through his window and bringing with it the insecurities of the night. He closed his eyes tightly, remembering his father’s firm, deep voice.
“Men don’t cry, lad. Be strong and brave.”
Those words had been hammered into him since birth. In his father’s world, a soldier’s world, men were supposed to be tough and hard. He was a captain in the army—always in charge. No matter what situation arose, his father was there, leading the way. Until he met one situation he couldn’t control.
Bryn’s mother was his father’s only weakness. Sasha Evans—always in a dream, a smile lighting up her elfin features, always with a paintbrush or piece of charcoal in her hand. Bryn’s father met her when he was stationed in Wales. She was trying to make a living as an artist “and doing very badly,” she had admitted to her son, laughing. Bryn remembered her so well—remembered her sweetness and the love that filled their house on the army base. His father instilled his principles into his five-year-old son—to be strong, to take charge, to never show weakness.
They had just moved to a new base on the day that changed Bryn’s life forever. Both his parents had dropped him off at his new school, and his father had waited in the car while his mother took him inside. She had hugged him goodbye and planted a kiss on his cheek—the last kiss she would ever give him.
Bryn buried his face in his pillow as the memories flooded in, raw and painful. He choked back tears as his father’s voice rang out inside his head.
“You have to be brave, lad. Face your problems full on and sort them out.”
But some problems were just too big. Even his brave and stalwart father couldn’t sort out the problems that beset him on that fateful day.
Bryn’s parents had met a truck head-on in a narrow lane. They’d both died on impact.
Bryn opened his eyes and looked out at the moon. The accident was six years ago now, but it felt as if it was yesterday. He sat up, forcing himself back into the present again; the insecurity of moving to a new place must have brought back the memories, he decided, his thoughts turning to Elsa. Tomorrow he’d ask Mrs. Evans if she knew where they’d sent her. Then he’d write her a letter every week, just to let her know she wasn’t alone.
With that idea firmly fixed inside his head, he lay down and pulled his duvet around his chin.
“You okay?” Tom whispered from across the room.
Bryn smiled in the darkness, watching moonlight flit across the ceiling.
“Yes,” he said determinedly, imagining his father’s pride. “I am...now.”
“Night, then.”
“Night, Tom,” he echoed.
Bryn’s plan to find Elsa did not materialize as easily as he’d hoped. After breakfast the next morning, he went off to find Mrs. Evans. She listened patiently to his plea, but then she evaded his request.
“I’ll see what I can do,” she promised.
Hours rolled into days.
“I’m working on it,” she told Bryn.
When weeks had passed, Bryn realized that Mrs. Evans was never going to give him Elsa’s address. His memories of the troubled little girl were all he had left, and Elsa was alone again, facing her demons with no one to help her.
“One day, Elsa,” he whispered to himself. “One day, I’ll come looking for you. I won’t give up until I find you.”
* * *
AT LONG MEADOWS, the children went to school in town, and soon Bryn’s life became a blur—meeting new people, learning new things, writing exams. Years slipped by, happy, fulfilled years. Bryn came to see that there was much more of his mother in him than he’d thought. Animals and painting became his passions, one as important as the other.
He’d explore the woods around Long Meadows, sometimes bringing back injured creatures. Mrs. Evans allowed him to keep the animals in a shed at the far end of the garden. There he would care for them religiously until they either recovered enough to be freed again in the sprawling forest, or died and were buried beneath his favorite tree. Mrs. Evans encouraged him to take out library books and find websites about how to feed and treat wild animals. The local vet, Mike Barber, was always ready to help. “We don’t charge for wild animals,” he would say when Bryn asked how much the treatment cost.
* * *
WHEN BRYN HAD BEEN AT Long Meadows for about a year, his solitary wanderings eventually led him through the woodland and the fields beyond to the coast, where the sea glistened in a silver strip.
He would sit there for hours, watching the seabirds and painting their glorious flight across the changeable sky—sometimes gray, wild and angry, and sometimes so calm and starkly beautiful that it hurt his heart.
When Bronwen Evans first saw his paintings, she stared at them for a while, then she recited some lines from a poem.
A sight so wide it fills the eyes, its vast
horizon meets a sky that stretches to infinity.
That holds my heart. That sets me free.
Timeless echoes in my ears; a haunting melody, ten thousand sea birds cry their tears to a wild and restless sea.
* * *
Bryn listened to the words in awe.
“That’s lovely,” he said. “Do you know any more?”
She pursed her lips, frowning slightly.
“I can’t remember all of it, but let me think...”
For a moment, she furrowed her brow, concentrating, then her face lit up and she looked at him in triumph.
But when it sparkles, shimmering sands,
its transient beauty a promised land, it sings another song to me, of peacefulness and harmony.
Her voice trailed off, and she sighed.
“That’s all I can remember, I’m afraid. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I’ll see if I can find a copy of it for you.”
Bryn nodded earnestly. “Would you like to keep one of my paintings?” he asked on impulse.
She smiled, touching his cheek. “I would be proud to have one of your paintings. When you’re famous, I’ll be able to say I was the first person to own a Bryn Evans.”
* * *
WHERE DID THE TIME GO? Suddenly, Bryn was fifteen. Sometimes, he felt a surge of guilt that he was so contented. Three years had rolled by in a moment—years filled with joy, years when Elsa May Malone remained securely stored in the back of his mind, a promise he had yet to fulfill. At night, when memories lurked closest, he’d ache with fear for her. What if she’d slipped so far into her tormented world that she could never return to him? He shuddered, gulping in air. No! He would never believe that.
Bryn was down by the shore, sitting on a rock at the edge of the ocean, mesmerized by the sunlight sparkling on the water. His hands were idle, his sheet of paper blank and untouched. For once, he was unable to concentrate, so eventually he stood up with a sigh and wandered slowly homeward.
As he crossed the lawn beside the house, where other children played and gamboled, he saw a car pull up to the front door. He sidetracked toward the shed, where a baby rabbit was recovering from a foot injury. The last thing Bryn felt like doing was making conversation with a new kid. Anyway, it was Tom’s turn to give the tour—he’d done it last time, when that awful, bossy Wilbur Simms had descended on Long Meadows. Fortunately, he had only stayed two weeks.
Bryn kept to the edge of the lawn, screened by the trees that led directly into the woods, his footsteps slowing as curiosity took over. Would the new arrival be a boy or a girl? he wondered. He’d forgotten to ask Mrs. Evans.
The social worker, Dermot, clambered out of the car first. Bryn liked Dermot—he was funny and nice, and he took the time to talk to you.
The new kid got out of the car on the far side, so Bryn only saw the back of her head. There was something familiar about her, though.... Tightness came into his chest, and he stopped in his tracks. She flicked her mane of golden-brown hair and the breath fled from his body. He wanted to run to her, but his legs refused to move. She was walking away toward the open front door where Mrs. Evans stood beaming.
“Elsa?”
The word was a croak in his throat, but she heard it—if he’d been a million miles away, he was sure she would have heard it. Slowly, oh, so slowly, she turned her face toward him.... Tanned skin, clear amber eyes, delicate, perfect features...the same and yet not the same—older and so much more beautiful.
His Elsa was here at last. She was calm and serene now, with none of the lion cub showing. But then, with a sense of relief, he saw it—behind her green and gold-flecked eyes, the sleeping lion cub was waiting to get out.
“Hello,” she said with a smile, slipping her hand neatly into his, as if they hadn’t been torn apart all that time ago.
“Hello,” he replied.
CHAPTER EIGHT
I FELT AS IF I WAS IN A dream. Bryn was here, my Bryn, the only person in the whole wide world I truly cared for, and who truly cared for me. A feeling of safety washed over me as he closed his fingers around mine. I was home at last, and now I could make him proud.
A plump-cheeked, kind-eyed woman stood on the steps and called out to me. “I see that you already know someone here, Elsa. Perhaps he can show you around.” I glanced at Bryn, my cheeks burning.
“I’d be glad to,” he said with a smile.
Oh, how well I remembered that easygoing smile. What was he doing here? Why had no one told me? So many questions jostled inside my head but only one thing really mattered. Bryn really was here. At last, I had found him.
I didn’t notice, at first, how much he’d changed. I couldn’t see any further than the comfort of his friendly brown eyes. His essence filled my soul and made me whole. Did he feel like that, too? Or was it just sad and lonely me? Then I really looked at him, and for a moment I saw a stranger.
His shoulders were broader, his voice had deepened and he no longer rubbed his nose across his sleeve. I moved away from him, suddenly nervous around this confident, handsome young man. But then my eyes met his again, and I saw the same kind, open expression I remembered so well. I knew, with no shadow of a doubt, that however much he’d grown, he was still my Bryn.
That was when the warning bells began to ring inside my head. Stay back, keep your distance. Because everyone I loved went away. My father, Daffyd, Mrs. Mac...even Bryn. But he had come back to me, and I didn’t want to lose him again. I hadn’t needed those warning bells for three years because I hadn’t gotten close to anyone else. Now the ferocity of my feelings scared me. I felt the knot of anger press against my rib cage, like an alien being clawing at me. I pulled my hand away from him, and I saw the disappointment in his eyes.
“Come on,” he said, his voice determinedly bright. “I’ll show you my rabbit. He’s almost ready to be set free.”
I felt as if I had been set free. And now I had to prove myself.
I wanted to ask about the rabbit. I wanted to ask if Bryn had a yellow dog yet. I wanted to ask if he was happy, but I said nothing.
At Braymore, I’d been quiet. I’d kept to myself, speaking only when spoken to and getting on with my work, independent and self-assured. Suddenly, I was six years old again. What had they labeled me then? Disturbed and antisocial? I felt all of that now, and more.
“Come on,” Bryn repeated, holding out his hand. It was just like that first day at Appletree, when he asked if I wanted to have ice cream with him. I didn’t take his hand then, and I couldn’t take it now, so I followed him, just like before.
“You can sit beside me if you like.” He smiled, remembering.
From the outside, the shed looked as if it was about to fall down. The door swung on crooked hinges, and it creaked when Bryn opened it. I held back, suddenly unsure, but he urged me forward.
