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It was Tom, though, who took Ali’s attention. He looked straight ahead, his jaw set and his eyes dark with emotion as he held on tightly to his sister’s arm. True to her word, determined to make it a celebration, Lily wore a beautiful pale blue dress and had flowers in her hair. Holding her slender form as tall as she could she walked determinedly next to Tom, swaying slightly; her delicate features held an ethereal quality, as if she were one of the angels in the stained-glass windows.
When the family group were almost at the front of the church, Lily turned and peered inquisitively around her. Her gaze fell on Ali and she gave her a dazzling smile of welcome.
“Now that little lass has the right idea,” murmured Ali’s companion. “She’s celebrating his life.”
A myriad of emotions flooded the church as the beautiful service unfolded, especially when Tom and Ned stood up together at the front and talked from the heart about Bobby, bringing him back to life with recollections of their childhood, growing up in Jenny Brown’s Bay. Their memories swung from moving moments to floods of hilarity. As the congregation laughed and cried as one, somehow it helped. The hymns and songs the family had chosen were beautiful, ranging from “All Things Bright and Beautiful” to one of Bobby’s favorites, a bawdy fishing song. Ali joined in with the others, singing her heart out, and felt somehow cleansed. Bobby wouldn’t lay blame; that was one thing she was sure of.
When the service drew to a close, a profound silence filled the church, just before the family slowly filed out after the coffin. Tom looked so regal in his dark suit, so strikingly handsome and so very, very sad that Ali longed to just go to him and offer...what? He looked up as he passed her and caught her eye, holding her gaze as if expecting to find something there. Emotion flickered in his dark eyes and her whole body trembled; she couldn’t stay here, in Jenny Brown’s Bay, even if she wanted to, for she’d be a constant reminder to the Robert’s family, a knife in their wound.
When she watched him walk by, tall and straight and so...honest, she felt lost and alone. Being close to Tom was unbearable, for if she was honest with herself she knew that she wanted way more from him than he could give, and she had no right to anything.
Straight to the point as usual Lily had asked her outright why, if she was still married, she wasn’t with the husband.
And she realized Lily was right. So perhaps it was she who was lacking. Maybe she just wasn’t the kind of woman who could ever maintain a real relationship. She should focus on her career now. That’s what she needed to do. Journalism had meant everything to her once, after all.
Then she’d met her dad again and realized just how important family really was and how empty her life had become. Even her marriage had been almost a convenience that fit in around both she and Jake’s careers; perhaps that was why it had gone so wrong. Meeting and getting to know her dad had made her realize what she’d missed, made her see that if only her mum had been less bitter things could have been so different. Now it was time for her to back track and rethink everything.
Walking slowly out of the church without looking back, she cut along the edge of the graveyard and headed toward her car, trying to think of anything other than Bobby and Tom and all the pain she’d caused.
As she opened the driver’s door she sensed someone behind her.
“Ali...” came Lily’s voice. “Don’t go.”
With a heavy sigh she turned to see Tom’s sister standing forlorn in her beautiful dress.
“Your singing was beautiful, Lily,” she said. “You did Bobby proud.”
Lily beamed at her. “Thank you. Please don’t go.”
Ali shook her head slowly. “I have to, Lily. I’m in the way here.”
“But you will come back?”
Ali gave her a hug, holding her close. “I’ll try, Lily, I really will try.”
CHAPTER SEVEN (#u0a6bef2c-0e68-58ee-903b-1368b42078b2)
TOM WASN’T SURE exactly why he felt so empty inside when he saw Lily saying goodbye to Ali. After everything that had happened he should be glad to see the back of her, angry even that she’d dared to stick around.
When Ali held out her arms, hugging Lily close, Tom let out a sigh. She was wrong for him for so many reasons, quite apart from the stark fact that she’d caused his brother’s death. Anyway, there was no place in his life for a relationship right now Bobby drowning at sea had substantiated that fact. A fisherman’s life was way too unreliable and dangerous to expect any woman to share it.
It was good that Ali was leaving. Being around her held way too many complications... So why then did he still feel a sense of loss? There was just something about her he supposed...the way she held her head...the way her eyes crinkled at the corners when she smiled, and her intensity. Never had he met a woman so resolute about what she wanted...like the way she’d insisted on joining their ill-fated fishing trip. Her warm brown eyes had flashed with streaks of flame when they’d had their disagreement about that. Oh how he wished now he’d tried harder to stop her.
There again, he decided, maybe things happened for a reason and that was just how it was meant to be... Fate, he supposed it was. Something deep inside him wished that fate would bring her back one day. Common sense told him to be glad she was leaving.
* * *
IT WAS STRANGE to be driving through the city again, thought Ali. Car horns honking, people scurrying by, pale distant faces. Life was just so different in the country, particularly by the sea where the rhythm of the tide seemed to take over everything.
The town hall clock began to chime, shaking her from her reverie, one...two...three...four...five. She’d booked a hotel for a few days, close to the city center and the offices of the paper where she worked...or used to. Being self-employed she’d traveled around a lot but The Times had given her most of her work and Jason, the editor and her longtime friend, had been only too pleased to have a meeting with her when she’d rung him earlier. Nosing her way through the traffic she eventually found a parking place and with a relieved sigh she pulled her bags out of the trunk, locked her car and headed for her hotel. It was good to be back in the city, she told herself determinedly as she unlocked the door of her room and collapsed on the bed; hopefully being so far from Jenny Brown’s Bay would help her see her situation more clearly.
She ordered sandwiches in her room for dinner and went to bed early hoping that at last she might be able to get a good night’s sleep. Beyond her window the flickering lights and bustling sounds of the street made that impossible. She tossed and turned, longing for the gentle swish of the sea or even the moaning cry of the wind.
Jenny Brown’s Bay did seem like a million miles away, distancing her from the horror she’d left behind there. But was this really the answer, she asked herself, the way to get past what had happened...or was she just hiding from it? One thing she did know was that she missed the peace and tranquility of her cottage...missed it with an aching loneliness.
Ali finally gave up on trying to sleep at around five thirty and quickly washed and dressed, heading out into the city. Homeless people were waking up in doorways and under bridges, getting ready to face another day of struggling to survive. When she’d lived in the city she hadn’t really taken much notice of the early morning activity, now she found it sobering.
A young lad with lank greasy hair and shadows under his eyes crept up to her, holding out his hand. “Give us a break miss,” he said, his voice thin and reedy.
Ali delved into her purse and pulled out a handful of notes. “Promise me you won’t spend it on drugs,” she said.
“Don’t do drugs,” responded the boy. “Thanks miss. This money’ll get me back home.”
Feeling good about helping him Ali headed back to the hotel to get ready for her meeting with Jason. Maybe things would look up, she decided, as she showered and changed; maybe this was a new start.
By ten thirty she was out in the street again, dressed in a smart navy suit and heels; her shoes tip-tapped along the pavement as she headed toward the café where she was meeting Jason for coffee and a chat. She felt businesslike and professional, just like she used to before her priorities changed.
She saw the boy as she hurried across the street when the lights switched. He was just a blur in the corner of her eye but it was definitely him, handing money to a shifty looking man who passed him something in return. When she looked back they’d gone but she knew it had been the homeless lad from early that morning.
Stopping in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the street she shuddered deep inside, her freshly restored confidence draining away. All she’d done with her misplaced sense of benevolence was to push the lad more quickly down the road to nowhere. Now he could buy his drugs and maybe even die in a gutter tonight...so perhaps she’d killed him, too.
Ali didn’t hear Jason calling her name until he was standing right in front of her, tall and solid and comfortably familiar; they went back a long way, she and Jason, both as work colleagues and friends. “Ali,” he cried. “You were miles away and you look as if you’ve seen a ghost... Come on, I’ll buy you that coffee and you can tell me all about it.”
Ali sipped her cappuccino slowly, still trying to process what she’d seen.
“So...” Jake asked. “Are you going to tell me what’s up or is this purely business?”
Putting down her cup she looked up at him, smiling. “Sorry...right now it was about me taking pity on a homeless boy this morning and giving him way too much money. I just saw him now though, down a side street, obviously buying drugs, and it sickened me... I thought I was helping but I’ve probably just made his situation worse. What if he ODs and it’s my fault?”
Jason laughed. “Oh Ali, you really have been out of the city for too long. You can’t help people like that. They’re on a road to destruction I’m afraid. I see it every day when I’m driving home.”
“But he’s someone’s son,” Ali cried. “And surely everyone deserves to have some help.”
“When you put it like that,” Jason responded. “I guess they do. Anyone’s kid can go down the wrong road I suppose... But there’s more to it than that, isn’t there, Ali. Look, we’re friends aren’t we? Tell me what’s been happening to you first and then we can discuss work.”
Ali shook her head slowly. The thought of unburdening herself to someone outside of the tragedy in Jenny Brown’s Bay was so tempting...and yet. “It’s my problem, Jason,” she said. “I’m here to see if you have any work for me...that’s all.”
Jason folded his arms across his chest, stroking his neat brown beard. “I have plenty of time today and as I just said...we can discuss work when we’ve talked about you. We go back a long way, Ali, why, you knew me before I was a hotshot editor.”
“Well you’re certainly that now,” Ali remarked, lightening the mood.
Jason grinned. “And proud of it, too. Anyway, back to you... I want to help and so would Laura if she was here. Look how you were there for us and the kids when our house got flooded, not to mention all the other times. I’m not taking no for an answer I’m afraid. I’ll go get us another coffee and then you can tell me all about it.”
By the time Jason came back with the coffees he’d obviously given his approach some thought. Sitting down opposite her he looked Ali in the eye.
“Why don’t you tell me about your dad first,” he suggested. “Last time I saw you you’d just met up with him again as I remember...”
“He died,” she blurted out and suddenly the floodgates opened. “Sorry...it’s all still a bit raw. He was ill when I found him you see...with cancer. He lived alone in a little fishing village in the northeast; he had friends to help him of course but no one close. We talked, a lot, about his life and why Mum left with me when I was small, but he didn’t bear a grudge. In fact he was sorry to hear that she’d died and he blamed himself for her leaving him all those years ago. I really got to know him in those last few weeks and I came to understand something of the fisherman’s passion for the sea—it’s a way of life, a vocation, I suppose, and it causes rifts in so many marriages. He loved it though to his dying day and he opened my eyes to the magnificence of the sea... That’s why I ended up at Jenny Brown’s Bay.”
“Jenny Brown’s Bay,” Jason repeated slowly. “Is that a fishing town then?”
Ali nodded. “It’s just a village really. I still have a cottage rented there. Jake and I split you see...”
“Well I’m not surprised at that,” Jason cut in. “Never did like the guy.”
“But you only ever met him a couple of times.”
“Two times too many then. You’re well rid of him.”
“I’ve come to realize that,” said Ali sadly. “Anyway, I was still cut up about my dad when Bobby, a student of Jake’s who I’d gotten to know, suggested I stay at his parents’ pub for a while. I’d decided to write an article on fishing, in memory of my dad. He thought I could do some research there.”
“And did you?”
“Oh yes,” she nodded eagerly, remembering. “I used to have long chats with Bobby’s brother Tom, he was passionate about fishing just like Dad... In fact all Bobby’s family were. And I talked to some of the old fishermen, too, they used to come to the pub in the evenings. I learned a lot from them...except perhaps about the danger.”
Jason leaned toward her, speaking in a gentle tone. “So what happened there?” he asked. “Obviously it was something traumatic...or is this all just about your dad?”
For a moment Ali went quiet. “In a way it’s about Dad,” she began, struggling to keep her voice steady. “But there’s more.”
Jason waited for her to go on, saying nothing.
“Bobby suggested I go on a night fishing trip with him and his brothers, you know, for my research. Tom was dead against it...they had a row. He said he wasn’t prepared to take a rookie on a night trip, especially a woman, as it was far too dangerous. You know me, I was furious and, bottom line, he gave in and said that although he didn’t approve, since his father, Jed, didn’t seem to mind, I could go along. After he’d agreed, in fact, he found me some waterproofs and gave me advice about the trip... I was so looking forward to it—it was important to my dad that I scatter his ashes in the sea.”
“And I’m guessing it went wrong,” Jason said.
Ali looked at him ashen-faced. “There was a storm, Bobby drowned and it was all my fault. I took a stupid risk, didn’t listen to orders. When I went overboard he jumped in to save me...”
He reached across to place a sympathetic hand on her arm. “Accidents happen, Ali...you can’t take all the blame.”
“I can this time,” she said quietly.
“You must have liked it there if you rented a cottage,” Jake said “You should go back...face your demons I suppose you could call it.”
Ali nodded. “I’ve thought about it. I was considering writing a book instead of just an article, and maybe make it about Bobby. I could still dedicate it to Dad, too.”
“It’s a lovely idea,” Jason agreed. “Tell you what, why don’t you come and stay with us for a couple of days. Laura would love to have a chat with you and the kids will cheer you up and bring you down to earth. Then you can decide whether to come to work at The Times or go back to your fishing village and write.”
“Deal,” Ali cried, holding out her hand to shake his. “And, Jason...”
“Yes?”
“Thanks.”
With a broad grin he pulled his cell phone from his pocket. “I’ll ring Laura right now,” he said. “She’ll be over the moon...and, Ali...”
“Yes?”
“If you do decide to stay and work here for a while then you’re welcome to our spare room you know.”
“I might just take you up on that. It will give me time to get my head straight and let things settle down a bit before I go back to Jenny Brown’s Bay.”
“Or not?” Jason responded.
Ali shrugged. “Who knows.”
CHAPTER EIGHT (#u0a6bef2c-0e68-58ee-903b-1368b42078b2)
THE SEA WAS already rough when the boat set out across the bay in the crisp light of dawn. “Are you sure about this?” Ned called above the chugging of the engine.
Tom looked up at the rolling gray clouds; ice-cold spray splattered across his face and gulls screamed overhead as The Sea Hawk cut through the waves. “What do you think?” he responded, looking across at his brother.
“That we should have done it sooner.”
“Then let’s go fishing,” Tom cried, feeling more alive than he had since they set off on that fateful fishing trip. Deep down he’d been dreading going back out onto the water but now he realized he’d been wrong to delay it, for the ocean still felt like home, just as it always had before.
As if trying to make up for the tragedy it had caused, the sea was abundant with its offerings. When they got to the fishing ground both men worked hard and fast, hauling in cod after cod, delighting in the job they loved and exhilarated to be back out on the open waves.
It wasn’t until he started to steer the heavily stocked boat back toward Jenny Brown’s Bay that Tom’s mind rewound to that last fishing trip. He’d been on automatic since the accident, he could see that now, trying not to allow himself to think or feel, just getting on with what had to be done in the best way he could. Bobby’s death had aged his parents, to survive a son held a terrible guilt, he guessed, so it felt as if he had to step up and take responsibility for the whole family. A rush of sorrow dulled the triumph of today’s catch as his eyes fell on the rolling waves ahead; he’d been determined to stay strong for everyone but now, back in what felt like normality again, he felt suddenly drained.
“You okay, Tom?” Ned asked, peering at his older brother with concern.
Tom felt himself wilt and leaned forward over the wheel. “Just tired I guess.”
“Go and have a lie-down,” Ned urged, taking the wheel. “I can get this little lady home no problem.”
“You sure?” To Tom the idea of just letting go for a while seemed very appealing.
Ned grinned. “Hey... You can count on me. I’m with Search and Rescue you know.”
Stepping back Tom slapped him gratefully on the shoulder. “So you are. Have I ever told you how proud I am of that?”
Ned’s smile suddenly faded as memories kicked in. “Couldn’t save Bobby though could I?”
“Not your fault,” Tom insisted. “No one could have saved him.”
“She could—” Ned blurted out “—by staying away from us.”
For a moment Tom just looked at him, a rush of protectiveness for Ali bringing a heavy lump into his chest. “It was just circumstance, Ned...” he said slowly. “Fate. You can’t lay blame like that. I’m sure she’s as sorry about it as anyone.”
“Sorry she may be but she’s torn this family apart. And where is she now...back in her husband’s arms I’m guessing. Well I sure hope she’s not happy.”
“Bitterness only hurts the bearer,” Tom said quietly. “You have to let go of it, Ned, or it’ll tear you up.”
Ned’s knuckles turned white as he held on to the wheel. “I think I’m prepared to take that chance. Now you go below and get some rest before I change my mind...and, Tom?”
“Yes...”
“She’s nothing but trouble so stop defending her.”
