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He was right, she realized, trying to pull herself together, everything he said was right. It had all been her fault, and she had no right to hang around sharing the family’s grief. She’d come here, to Jenny Brown’s Bay, with so many hopes and dreams, to finish with her old life and start afresh with new friends around her. Tom had been a friend but, like Ned, he probably hated her now. Not that she could blame him either. Everything had changed, so suddenly and drastically, that it was difficult to know what to think or what to do.
Time ticked by and still Ali sat, her mind a million miles away from the things that had seemed so important just days ago, like the article she was going to write. Her notepad lay unopened on the table and right now she didn’t think that she would ever open it again.
When she heard the knocking at her door, her whole body froze. She couldn’t face Ned’s anger again however much she deserved it; there was nothing she could say to him that might help. When the knock sounded again, more urgent this time, she stumbled to her feet; what if it was someone else. Her hand shook as she reached for the door handle.
CHAPTER FOUR (#u0a6bef2c-0e68-58ee-903b-1368b42078b2)
TOM WALKED SLOWLY homeward along the clifftop, looking down at the stretch of silver sea that sparkled in the distance. Awaiting the returning tide, the wide sweep of sand shimmered, smooth and serene. In fact the whole scene looked so starkly beautiful and totally harmless right now that it seemed impossible to think that within just a couple of hours the sea would come rushing back in, tearing away the tranquility. That’s what he’d always loved about the sea, its changeability. Now he was not so sure. It was in his blood though, an untamable beast that he couldn’t resist, and he could never have a normal life because of it. What woman would want to share her life with constant fear and danger?
Someone moved way below him, across the sand, a tiny, sticklike figure in the distance. Ned, it was Ned. What was he doing... Had he been to see Ali as he’d threatened to so many times? No, surely not, for no matter what his brother thought, there was no peace to be had from displays of anger or laying blame; he’d made Ned see that...hadn’t he?
Increasing his pace he hurried along the clifftop path wondering if he should call in on her, just to make sure she was okay. He’d felt bad for ignoring her these last few days but everything had been too raw for him to be able to face up to the memories that seeing her might invoke. There was something about her that called out to him, a familiarity way deeper than their surface friendship; it had been forged when she was first at The Fisherman’s Inn, when she’d picked his brains about being a fisherman... After Bobby’s death, he found himself questioning his way of life. Fishing was in his blood, his soul, but was it worth the heartache it so often caused? Why, there were ten men he could name who had drowned over the last few years while following their life’s passion, a passion that sometimes seemed cursed. The Sea Hawk’s fateful trip had been cursed, too, that night, cursed by love. For Bobby had been in love with Ali and he’d died trying to save her; how could any of them get past that? There could never be anything between Tom and Ali now that wasn’t steeped in guilt, even friendship, because Bobby was no longer here. Tom needed time away from her, he knew that, time to grieve and time to sort out the confusion in his head.
Despite his determined thoughts as he approached her cottage, Number Three, his footsteps slowed again and doubt set in. She’d been so brave when he took her to the hospital. Her arm must have been in agony but she never even mentioned it. What if Ned really had called in on her; how must she be feeling? For a moment more he stood, indecisive, and then he slowly raised his hand to knock. When the door remained firmly closed, a flood of emotion overcame him, relief and disappointment vying for first place. He knocked again more firmly before suddenly reconsidering his actions. He couldn’t do this. Turning sharply, he headed off into the night.
* * *
ALI PUSHED THE door open gently, peering through the crack into the falling darkness with a surge of relief; no one was there. She’d been so afraid that it was Ned again.
Her phone started ringing with the bright jubilant tone that now sounded so wrong. She looked outside for a moment longer, just to reassure herself, before hurrying to answer it. The screen flashed with the caller’s name—Jake—he was the last person she’d expected to hear from. For a moment she considered just ignoring it. She’d had her say before she left, about fidelity and promises...and yet, the urge to talk to someone outside of this nightmare was strong, someone who knew nothing of the tragedy.
“Hello,” she said cautiously.
“Ali...where are you?”
She actually felt pleased to hear his voice and that was crazy after what they’d been through. “It doesn’t matter where I am... Why are you ringing me?”
“To say sorry...again,” he said. “Look, I know you don’t trust me and I don’t blame you, but I am still your husband... I know I hurt you and I don’t deserve any forgiveness but I love you, Ali. I want us to try again and I really mean it this time... Please, Ali, come home...to talk, that’s all, just talk.”
Her first instinct was to cut him off, but something stopped her. After all, if she was honest with herself she knew that she craved forgiveness herself for what she’d caused, and here he was asking her for forgiveness for the damage he’d done to their relationship. She’d be a hypocrite if she didn’t even listen to what he had to say. “I’ll think about it,” she promised.
“But where are you... You can tell me that at least?”
He sounded so genuine, so caring when she needed to feel cared for. “Jenny Brown’s Bay,” she told him, flicking off the phone.
Hearing Jake’s voice brought back so many memories. They’d been in love once...until she found out that he’d cheated on her, and then love had slowly trickled out of the window. She’d tried to make a go of it, really tried...until the next time. But he was right, he was still her husband, the man she’d promised to love for better or worse. A week ago she wouldn’t have given him the time of day but now her priorities were all over the place. Take her dad for instance. She’d wanted to find him for almost all of her life but when she’d finally gotten her wish it was too late. Perhaps if her mother had been more forgiving, Ali would have had him in her life for a whole lot longer. She wanted, needed, forgiveness herself so perhaps the first thing she should do was to learn to forgive...or at least to listen.
By the time the pale winter sunshine crept through her window on the morning of the fifth day after Bobby’s death, she’d made her decision. She wasn’t wanted in Jenny Brown’s Bay and she needed to get away, at least for a while. Going to see Jake and talk things through might help her focus on what she needed to do now. With trepidation she picked up her phone.
“Hello... Jake...?”
CHAPTER FIVE (#u0a6bef2c-0e68-58ee-903b-1368b42078b2)
ALI DUMPED HER bag by the door and looked around the cottage with a rush of regret. She’d come here with such a sense of purpose, hoping for a fresh start... Tears welled up but she pushed them aside; what right had she to cry when all she’d done was ruin the lives of the people who’d been so good to her. It had been Bobby’s kindness that had put her on this path in the first place and now, because of her, he was no longer here... That put a whole new unpleasant light on everything. It hurt too, to think that Bobby may have had feelings for her, as Ned implied. If it was true then she’d really let him down because she should have realized; maybe she’d just been naïve but that was no excuse either. So was that was why he’d acted so rashly then, jumping overboard without thinking it through to try and rescue her. The thought that it might be true made her heart feel like lead in her chest.
She’d told Jake she’d be back in Manchester by early evening but now she was second-thinking her decision. It felt as if she was running away...but from what? No one wanted her here and no one wanted to hear her apologies for something that could never be undone. But was trying to rake up the ashes of the past really the right move?
Sitting down heavily on a kitchen chair she tried to sort things out inside her head but all she could see was Tom’s face. What right did she have to even think about him? Their budding friendship had died along with Bobby. No, she decided, the right thing to do was to keep away from the Roberts family and leave them to grieve in peace. Having her around would just be a grim reminder.
She heard the front door creak open as she gathered up the things she needed to take with her. “Hello!” she called, nerves tingling.
“Are you going somewhere?” Seventeen-year-old Lily Roberts stood in the hallway; her cornflower blue eyes open wide with surprise. “You will be back for Bobby’s funeral though?”
“I...” began Ali. “Well.”
Lily smiled gently, stepping forward to take hold of her hand with the typical naiveté that Ali found so refreshing. She’d met the slightly “different” member of the Roberts family on the very first night she’d stayed at The Fisherman’s Inn, the pub and guest house Grace Roberts ran with help from the rest of the family, and they’d become friends at once. It was Tom who’d eventually explained why his sister was as she was.
Ali had been sitting in the bar with Tom, having one of the chats she had come to enjoy, when Lily, who lived and worked at home, approached to collect the glasses. “Are you going to fall in love with Tom?” she’d asked, looking at Ali with a childlike innocence.
Rather than being embarrassed or annoyed at his sister’s outspoken question as Ali had expected, Tom just smiled indulgently, reaching across to pat her arm. “Lily always says it as it is,” he said. “You’ll get used to it... She’s special, aren’t you, Lil.’”
“Special,” Lily repeated, her pretty face shining with delight, and Ali had thought in that moment that she did look special, kind of fey and otherworldly...like a fairy.
After she’d gone Tom went quiet, but then, as if suddenly coming to a decision, he put down his glass and looked Ali straight in the eye. “Lily’s birth was difficult—” he said slowly, twirling a beer mat between his thumb and forefinger “—because the cord was around her neck her brain was temporarily starved of oxygen. It left her...different from other girls; she’s beautiful and kind and incredibly caring but she’ll remain a child forever. We all have to look out for her.”
He’d looked up at her then, his dark eyes soft with emotion, and for Ali it had been a very special moment. She could see that looking out for Lily was a huge responsibility, always would be, but she also knew without a doubt that he’d never shirk it. When he said that his sister was special he meant it right from the heart. Tom Roberts, she’d decided then, was someone you knew you could always trust.
Seeing Lily here, at the cottage, was a painful reminder of that moment...of Tom. “Does anyone know where you are?” she asked.
Lily shrugged. “Ned was shouting so I just walked away. I don’t like it when people shout. Do you shout?”
“I guess everyone shouts when they get cross or frustrated but some people shout louder than others.”
“I don’t think it was your fault that Bobby got drowned anyway... Do you have any biscuits?”
Ali handed her the cookie jar, a cold hand clamping tightly around her heart. “Does everyone else think it was my fault?”
“Ned does, that’s why he was shouting.”
“And Tom...does he blame me, too?”
Lily shrugged, nibbling her cookie, totally unaware of just how much her answer meant. “Well I guess that everyone kind of blames you really because if you’d done as Tom told you and stayed out of the way then you wouldn’t have fallen overboard and Bobby wouldn’t have tried to save you.”
When Ali’s face fell, Lily smiled. “Don’t worry,” she said softly. “They know you didn’t mean it. Mum says it was just a tragic accident and we shouldn’t lay blame, so does Tom. It’s Bobby’s funeral soon—we’re going to sing him to heaven. Please come.”
“Oh Lily... I’m not sure that I’d be welcome.”
“Bobby would have wanted you there... He liked you a lot.”
For a moment Ali struggled to control a raw burst of emotion. “You really think so, Lily?” she eventually managed.
“I know so because he told me.”
“What...what did he tell you?”
Lily’s forehead puckered. “He told me not to say anything but I guess it doesn’t matter now.”
Reaching out, Ali took Lily’s small, smooth white hands in hers. “Tell me, Lily...please.”
“He said that he was falling in love with you but you didn’t love him back yet...and anyway you were already married... Are you really married?”
Ali nodded. “We’re having a break but...yes, I am still married.”
“So why aren’t you with your husband?”
At Lily’s question, so innocently asked, Ali faltered, struggling for words. She wanted to be as honest as Lily herself but what should she say? “We had some problems,” she eventually managed. “We are on a trial separation right now but we’re going to meet up soon, to talk, you know, about the future.”
“But you won’t go until after Bobby’s funeral?”
Lily’s earnest expression tugged at Ali’s heartstrings. “I...” she began. “I mean... I’m not sure. Ned definitely won’t want to see me there.”
Lily shrugged. “We’re all very sad... Mum says Ned is just lashing out... Please come.”
“Do you think Tom will want me to be there?” she couldn’t help asking.
Lily frowned. “I heard him say to Mum that he wished Bobby had never brought you here... But he did tell Ned that it was an accident and he mustn’t blame you, and that you probably felt bad enough already... So you’ll come?”
“I’ll think about it,” Ali promised. “Now you’d better get off home before someone comes to look for you. They’ll be worried.”
As she watched Lily head off down Cove Road Ali wondered if perhaps she should ring the pub, just in case they were looking for her. Before she could go and get her phone she saw Lily waving excitedly at someone. Tom—it was Tom. Lily pointed back toward the cottage, gesticulating wildly, and Tom followed her gaze. When, just for a fleeting moment their eyes met and held across the distance, Ali’s heart skipped a beat. If only they’d met in another time and place, she thought with a lurch of regret, how different things between them might have been.
* * *
LILY WAS SO pleased to see Tom. “Hi, Tom,” she called, flicking her blond braids back over her shoulders. “I’ve been to see Ali.”
Tom stopped in his tracks, looking toward the row of cottages. “But why would you do that, Lily?” he asked. “And you know you’re supposed to let us know where you’re going?”
“There’s Ali,” cried Lily, ignoring him. “Look, she’s over there, outside her cottage.”
Tom followed her gaze to where Ali stood watching them. She looked lost, he thought with a surge of guilt, and so alone. Perhaps he should have checked on her, just to make sure she was okay. When their eyes met across the distance a heavy sadness turned his limbs to lead. Should he go and talk to her?
No, he decided, it was just too complicated right now; he needed to stay strong for the family and being close to her might cloud his judgment. In fact it really would be easier for everyone if she just went back to where she came from... Deep down though, in his heart of hearts, he knew that he longed for her to stay.
“She’s going away soon,” Lily said, as if reading his mind. “I told her she had to stay for the funeral though.”
“Now why would you do that, Lil?” he asked. “You know Ned won’t want her there.”
“And you, do you want her there? Bobby would and you know it.”
“Oh Lily, life is not quite as simple as you think. We’d all be better off without her around.”
Lily stopped in her tracks, a flood of color turning her pale skin a creamy rose. “I wouldn’t...” she said. “And I don’t think you would either.”
“And where’s she going anyway? She’s taken the cottage for six months.”
“To see her husband I think, they’re having a...a trial...separation.”
“Well...that’s it then,” Tom said, turning determinedly on his heel. “She’s leaving anyway. Come on, let’s go home, everyone’s worried sick about you.”
* * *
WATCHING THEM WALK away together, brother and sister, so close, made Ali aware of just how lonely she was. The dad she’d found too late was gone, following her mother who’d died well over a year ago. So who did she have to care about her... Jake? He wanted to give their marriage another try, but look what he’d done to her before...and had he really changed? Did anyone really change? She’d told him she’d be there tonight but she just wasn’t ready yet.
Picking up her phone she scrolled down to his number, taking a deep breath. “Sorry Jake,” she told his voicemail. “I’m not going to be able to make it after all.”
He rang back almost immediately. “What is it, Ali? Why would you want to stay in that godforsaken spot anyway? I get that you wanted to get away but it’s time to come back to reality now. You’re my wife and we belong together.”
“No, Jake,” she said, sure now that she was doing the right thing. “We don’t belong together anymore, maybe we never did. We’re over—were over the moment you lied and cheated...”
The sound of him slamming down the phone confirmed her intention. Jake would never change.
CHAPTER SIX (#u0a6bef2c-0e68-58ee-903b-1368b42078b2)
TOM WOKE BEFORE 6:00 a.m. feeling like he hadn’t slept at all; sleep didn’t come easy, he realized, when you were burying your brother the following day. He lay in his bed listening to the muffled sounds; thumping, bumping and gurgling water; people getting ready for the day ahead. Seemingly no one had slept easy.
The whole family had stayed at home in the pub, just like the old days. Far from bringing them all together as a family, however, it had just seemed to scream out the fact that Bobby was no longer there. His mother had insisted that they eat together, as they’d always done when they were kids. She’d even set Bobby’s place at the table and that had been tough.
It was Lily who’d lightened the mood with her usual straightforwardness. “Bobby would have hated this,” she declared at the dinner table. “Tomorrow we are going to sing him goodbye and he wouldn’t want us to be sad...so come on, let’s sing now.”
And they had; all of them. They’d sat and sang some of the fishing songs Bobby loved, songs that were a part of the heritage Tom felt had turned against them. He’d found it hard to listen to the words for he couldn’t help but question everything about his existence right now. After they sang, though, they’d talked, really talked, about Bobby, sharing wonderful memories that really meant something; and it had brought a smile back to his mother’s face. She’d made them all promise there and then that tomorrow they would celebrate Bobby’s life and not grieve for his death.
It had seemed so easy a promise to make, but in the gray light of dawn, things felt much different. Still, tomorrow, Tom decided, despite his apprehension, he was going to go fishing again; hopefully Bobby would be with him in spirit and help him to sort out his head.
After a reluctantly eaten family breakfast cooked by his mum, Tom headed back to his cottage by the sea on the pretext that he needed to change; the truth was he needed some solitude to get a grip on things. His steps slowed as he walked past Number Three; was Ali home he wondered? He couldn’t see her car. Or had she already gone back to her husband. No matter, she was long gone from his life and that was a good thing...wasn’t it? It had to be, nothing more to it.
* * *
ALI WAS DRIVING through the village. She passed by so many people, some somberly dressed in black but others making a statement by wearing bright colors to celebrate Bobby’s life. She liked that, she decided, slowing down to let a group of young men in their fishing gear cross the road.
On a whim she pulled over near the village green and parked her car at the side of the road just down from the church. No matter what anyone thought, she decided, she needed to be here.
At eleven forty-five the gathered crowd began filing into the small stone country church. She got out of her car and joined them, slipping in at the very back, head down and hands trembling. A sob caught in her throat as she thought about Bobby, and then she remembered what Lily said. We’re going to sing him to heaven. Will you come?
“Yes, Lily,” she murmured. “I will come.”
“You all right dear?” asked the elderly woman on her right.
Ali nodded dumbly, guilt washing over her; she had no right to be there.
The woman placed a hand on her arm. “It’s good that you came,” she said, a smile lighting up her worn features. “Accidents happen all too often, especially in fishing, and retrospect is just a waste of time. Life’s too short for if-onlys... I should know that. Anyway, it’s brave of you to show your face.”
“Thanks,” Ali said. “I realize that everyone around here knows I was on the boat when it happened and I thought everyone would be against me...so your support really means a lot. I’m not brave though. I just had to come because I owe it to Bobby...to say goodbye.”
“Well I’m sure he appreciates it... In fact, who knows, perhaps he’s watching us right now.”
“Do you really believe that?” Ali asked.
Her question was drowned out by the ripple of music that announced the family’s arrival and the entire congregation peered around discreetly. Four members of Search and Rescue, including Ned, carried the gleaming oak coffin on their shoulders, and behind them, walking slowly, his gray head bowed, was Jed Roberts; his wife leaned heavily on his arm, her face pale and drawn.
