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Lisa had known about Sofia before they got married, and in their first year of marriage she’d stumbled across an old love letter Sofia had written him. Lisa had been hurt, not that he blamed her. She’d wanted to know why he kept it still, and while she’d never made any demands, he knew what he should have done—thrown it away. But he couldn’t. So he’d stashed it in the bottom of a drawer and felt uncomfortable all the same.
If an old letter could make Lisa feel territorial, what about a son? She’d gone through enough with him, and if she’d known that he and Sofia had a child together, she might not have thought that hitching her wagon to him was worth it. He certainly wouldn’t have blamed her.
“Grab me the milk,” his mother said, and Ben fetched the carton of milk from the fridge and passed it to her.
“He seems to have a lot of allergies,” Ben said.
“Allergies?” She poured a slosh of milk into the pot. “That did not come from us. We Blakes may be a lot of things, but we’re healthy as horses.”
“Don’t take it so personally. Allergies are common these days.”
“He must look like you,” his mother said, shooting him a smile. “Do you have a picture?”
“He looks like Sofia to me,” he admitted. “He’s got her dark hair and big, brown eyes. But no picture. Sorry.”
His mother gave the pot of macaroni and cheese a brisk stir, then nodded toward the table. “Clear off the flyers, would you?”
Ben did as she asked, sweeping the whole lot of them into a cardboard box that sat by the table for that purpose.
“So, what took her so long to tell you?” she asked, then plunked the pot into the center of the table and turned her back on him to grab some plates.
“I don’t know. I asked that, too. She said she was trying to protect him.”
“From who?” his mother demanded, coming back with two Corningware plates in hand. “You? Me? What are we going to do but love that little boy?”
He didn’t have any more answers than she did, and he heaved a tired sigh. “I don’t think I ever met my dad’s family, either.”
“They didn’t want to meet you,” his mother replied. “But I do want to get to know Jack. I’m his grandma...granny. Nana?” She raised her eyebrows. “Do I look like a nana?”
Ben laughed in spite of himself. “That’s a little premature.”
“Eight years... That’s not premature at all,” she retorted.
Many a night, his mother had mixed up an over-boiled pot of macaroni and cheese for him, sat down across from him at this very table and listened to him talk about his day. To this day, nothing tasted better than an overcooked Kraft Dinner—not that they ever got the “good brand.”
“So, what are you going to do?” she asked, pouring a puddle of macaroni into his plate and then passing him a fork. She settled herself across from him. “Do you know?”
“I’m going to try and get to know him,” he replied. “I’m not going to let him grow up wondering if I cared.”
She nodded. “Good.”
“I just need to talk to Sofia and see if we can figure something out.”
She nodded slowly, but she didn’t say anything else. Ben imagined there wasn’t much else to be said. There was a child, but Jack had a mother who stood between him and the rest of the world, and even Shyla Blake could respect that. She’d been a single mother, too, after all.
They both picked up their forks and started to eat. His mind wasn’t on the food, though; it was on Sofia. He could still remember how it had felt when he’d gone to Sofia’s house a couple of days after their breakup, just to find her father standing behind the screen door in his bathrobe, his face haggard and his body oozing the smell of alcohol.
“You’re looking for Sofia?” he’d asked bitterly. “You’re a day too late. She and her mother left.”
“Left for where?” he’d demanded.
The older man had shrugged. “Don’t know. Just left.”
They’d stood there and stared at each other for a minute or two until the older man slowly shut the door, leaving Ben on the step, his heart suspended with shock. He’d dumped her and broken her heart, and she’d done what she had every right to do—left. She didn’t need to stick around and deal with him any longer, but he’d still hoped that he’d have a chance to say he was sorry. Was it selfish? Probably. And now she was gone, without any warning and without so much as a goodbye.
After he’d left the McCray house nine years earlier, Ben had gone back home, and his mother had made him a pot of macaroni and cheese and held him while he cried. Ben’s mother had loved him. Loved him like a rock. She’d seen the best in him when he failed to see it in himself, and every single time he sank into that kitchen chair, feeling like a failure and filled to the brim with anger at the world, she’d say the same thing.
“Benji,” his mother said, her voice pulling him back to the present.
“Yeah, Ma?”
“You’re a good man. And you’re my son. You remember that, okay?”
“Okay, Ma.”
That’s what she’d said to him every night. You’re a good boy, Benji. And you’re my boy. You remember that, okay?
She’d loved him like a rock.
* * *
Sofia didn’t believe in dieting. Having been raised by an Italian mother, she knew how to cook, and she knew how to eat, too. Her one concession was her nightly ritual on the treadmill, working off a few of the calories. And as for the few extra pounds she carried since high school, well, she embraced them along with the Italian cooking.
She was a little rounder now, a little softer, and a little stronger, too. Motherhood did that to a woman, and she had no complaints—that was a little piece of wisdom from her mother.
Wear some lipstick and clothes that fit. Where’s the joy in life if you can’t eat a full meal?
In fact, when Sofia had talked to her mother on the phone that evening, she’d said the same thing. Valentina believed in a woman’s right to eat a full plate of food, and she reminded Sofia of that on a regular basis.
Sofia wiped her forehead with a towel, breathing hard as the base automatically inclined to make the workout hurt just a little bit more. Jack was in the tub, and her father was watching TV in his bedroom, leaving the downstairs to herself. Her favorite crime drama was playing, an episode she’d already seen, but it was a comforting routine—treadmill and TV. Her mind wasn’t on the show, however. She needed to have a long overdue talk with Jack tonight, and she wasn’t sure how she was going to do this.
Lord, give me the words. Let me do this properly...
She heard the plug pull upstairs, and the water started to drain. Jack would be down any minute, wanting his snack before bed, so she stopped the treadmill and gratefully got off. Her legs felt like jelly, and she wiped her face once more as she headed into the kitchen to dish up a bowl of applesauce for her son. It would be gentle on his stomach after the cannolis today.
A few minutes later, Jack ambled into the kitchen. His pajama shirt was done up one button off, and his fingers looked pruney from the tub. He slid into his spot at the table and pulled the bowl of applesauce closer. He took a tentative bite.
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Sofia said, sinking into the chair next to him. “Something really important.”
“Did I do something bad?” Jack asked warily.
“No, sweetie.” She reached over and put a hand on his arm. “Nothing bad, at all.”
“Oh, that’s good, then.” He took another bite, his spoon clinking against the side of the bowl.
“You know how you’ve been asking about your dad?” she asked. He’d been asking more often over the past couple of years, and she’d been giving him as little information as possible, even though she knew it was the wrong choice. He needed answers.
Jack nodded but didn’t say anything. His eating slowed, though, so she knew that she had his attention.
“Is there anything you’d like to ask about him now?” she asked hopefully.
Jack swallowed and frowned. “I have a dad, right?”
“Yes, you do,” she said quietly. “I didn’t tell him about you, though.”
“Who is he?” Jack asked.
“You met him today. He’s Benjamin Blake,” she said, and then closed her mouth, waiting for the information to sink in.
“The policeman?”
“Yes, the police officer,” she said.
“Does he know about me?” he asked after a moment.
“He didn’t know about you when he was here this morning. I told him after we left.”
“Was he happy to hear about me?”
That was a difficult question to answer. Her ride-along with Ben had not been smooth or comfortable. Ben was most certainly angry with her about not telling him earlier, and while fatherhood obviously hadn’t been part of his plans right now, he’d been adamant that he did care about his son.
“Sweetie, you are very good news,” she said gently. “You were a bit of a surprise, though.”
“Hmm.” Jack nodded slowly. “What’s his name again?”
“Benjamin Blake.”
“I’m a McCray,” Jack said defensively. “I don’t have to stop being a McCray, do I?”
“Of course not!” Sofia slipped an arm around him and pulled him against her. “You’re always going to be my boy, Jack. That will never change, and you and I are McCrays. Period.”
Jack was silent, and she couldn’t see his face past his ruffled hair. What was he feeling? Was he going to be mad at her, too, for having waited so long?
“So...” Sofia paused and nudged him up so she could see her son’s face. “How do you feel about this?”
“I don’t know if I want a dad,” Jack replied after a moment.
“How come?” she asked.
“I have you.” Tears misted his eyes.
“Yes, you do.” Sofia planted a kiss on the top of his head. “Look, Jack, you don’t have to worry about anything. You aren’t going to lose me. I’m your mom. That doesn’t change. Okay?”
Jack nodded. “Does he have any kids? Do I have a brother or sister?”
“I don’t think so, sweetie. I think you’re the only one.”
“Do I have another grandma and grandpa, then?”
“Yes, but we can wait before we meet anyone else. I think this is enough for now. It’s kind of a lot to take in, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “My friend Carlton’s parents are divorced, and he has to stay with his dad every weekend. Will I have to do that?”
“It isn’t about making you do anything,” she replied. “It’s about...” She sucked in a breath. “I suppose we’ll take it a step at a time.”
“Are you going to make me hang out with him now?” he asked.
“Not if you aren’t ready.” She smoothed his hair. “I have a feeling you’ll want to know him, though,” she said.
Jack nodded again.
“And, sweetheart?” She put her hands on the sides of his face and smiled down into his eyes. “I love you. With all my heart.”
“I love you, too, Mom.” He wriggled out of her hands.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” she asked tentatively.
“I’m going to read my comics,” he said.
It wasn’t much of an answer, but it would have to do. Jack needed to process things, and apparently he needed to do that away from her. It stabbed a little. “Sure,” she said, hoping her smile didn’t look as strained as she felt.
Jack ambled into the living room, and Sofia watched him go, her heart full. Had she done this right? Had she used the right words? Did he understand how much she loved him?
She closed her eyes and sighed, seeking her own comfort. She knew that God forgave her for her mistakes, and Jack was the perfect redemption of all the bad choices. He was a beautiful boy who showed her every day how God worked. Right now, she needed God, too. While Jack might be wary of having a father, she longed for her Father in Heaven to smooth this over and to bring them both some peace.
Her cell phone rang, and she looked down at the incoming number. It was Ben. She paused, glancing into the living room where Jack sat reading a book, then picked up the call.
“Hello?”
“Hi.” Ben’s voice was low. “I hope you don’t mind me calling. Chief Taylor gave me your number.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” she reassured him.
“How are you doing?” he asked.
“I’ve been better, to be honest,” she replied with a sigh. “How about you?”
“I’ve had some time to think,” he said. “I wanted to thank you for telling me about Jack. I know you didn’t have to.”
Actually, Jack looked so much like his father that it was only a matter of time before someone put it together, but she wasn’t about to say that right now. Ben was trying to be agreeable, and that counted for something.
“It’s okay,” she said. “In fact, I talked to Jack about you tonight.”
There was a pause. “Oh, yeah? How much did you tell him?”
“That you’re his father,” she said. She sank into a kitchen chair, suddenly feeling very tired.
“How did he take it?” Ben asked.
