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She hated him. She hated this bed … and she couldn’t stand this ridiculous situation any more.
Pulling her hair into a messy knot, she got to her feet, stalked into the bathroom, shredded the stupid negligee in her haste to take it off, and scrubbed away all traces of perfume and make-up under the stinging heat of the shower.
Using the pumice stone she scrubbed at her skin until it was raw, and took minimal comfort in the fact that Harun would never know how he’d made her cry.
But as she scrubbed herself to bleeding point she vowed she’d never make a fool of herself for an el-Kanar man again. No, she’d show Harun nothing, no emotion at all. She’d be a queen before him at all times, damn it! And one day he’d come to her, on his knees, begging for her …
If only she could make herself believe it.
CHAPTER THREE
Three Years Later
‘MY LADY, the Lord Harun has requested entrance!’
Startled, Amber dropped the papers she was reading and stared at her personal maid, Halala. Barely able to believe the words she’d heard, she couldn’t catch her breath. All the ladies were in a flutter of excitement … and hope, no doubt.
She could almost hear the whispers from mouth to ear, flying around the palace. Will he come to her bed at last?
Her cheeks burned with embarrassment at the common knowledge within the palace of the state of her marriage, the tag of bad-luck bride she couldn’t overcome, but she answered calmly enough. ‘Please show my husband in, and leave us. I need not remind you of what will happen if you listen in,’ she added sternly, holding each of her ladies-in-waiting with her gaze until they nodded.
As the room emptied she smoothed down her dress, her hair, while her pulse beat hard in her throat. What could he want? And she had no time to change out of one of her oldest, most comfortable dresses—
Then Harun entered her rooms, tall and broad-shouldered, with skin like dark honey and a tiny cleft in his chin; she’d long ago become accustomed to the fact that her husband was a quiet, serious version of her dashing first crush. But today his normally withdrawn if handsome face was lit from within; his forest-at-dusk eyes were alive with shimmering emotion, highlighting his resemblance to Alim more than ever. ‘Good morning, Amber,’ he greeted her not quite formally, his intense eyes not quite looking at her.
He doesn’t care what I’m wearing, Amber thought in sullen resentment. How foolish she’d been for wishing to look pretty for him, even for a minute. I don’t even know why I’m surprised. Or why it still hurts after all this time.
Why had her father wanted her to wed this—this robot? He wasn’t a man. He was barely human … at least not where she was concerned. But, oh, she’d heard the rumours that he was man enough for another.
She tamped down the weakness of anger, finding strength in her pride. ‘You need something, My Lord?’ she asked, keeping her tone meek, submissive, but just as formal and distant as his. ‘It must be important for you to actually come inside my rooms. I believe this is the first time you’ve come here willingly in three years.’
He looked at her then—with a cold flash in his eyes that made her feel like a worm in dirt. ‘Since you’re taking the gloves off, my wife, we both know it’s the first time I’ve been in here willingly at all, not merely since our wedding night.’
The burning returned in full measure to her cheeks, a stinging wave of embarrassment that came every time she thought of that awful night. Turning from him with insulting slowness, as if she didn’t care, she drawled, ‘You never did explain yourself.’
Yes, she’d said it well. As if it were a mere matter of curiosity for her, and not the obsession it had been for so long.
She marvelled that, in so long, there’d never been an opportunity to ask before—but Harun was a master at making certain they were never alone. His favourite place in the palace seemed to be his office, or the secret passageway between their bedrooms—going the other way, towards his room. Only once had she swallowed her pride, followed him out and asked him to come to her—
‘I’m sure you’ve noticed that my life is rather busy, my wife. And really, there’s no point in coming where you aren’t welcome.’
The heat in her cheeks turned painful. ‘Of—of course you’re welcome,’ she stammered. ‘You’re my husband.’
He shrugged. ‘So says the imam who performed the service.’
Knowing what he’d left unsaid, Amber opened her mouth, and closed it. No, they weren’t husband and wife, never had been. They hadn’t even had one normal conversation, only cold accusation on her part, and stubborn silence on his.
Didn’t he know how much it hurt that he only came to her rooms at night when the gossip became unbearable, and that he timed the hour and left, just as he had on their wedding night? Oh, she’d been cold and unwelcoming to him, mocking him with words and formal curtsies, but couldn’t he see that it was only because she was unable to stand the constant and very public humiliation of her life? Every time he was forced to be near her she knew that soon, he’d leave without a word, giving her nothing but that cold, distant bow. And everyone in her world knew it, too.
‘I didn’t come here to start an argument.’ He kept his gaze on her, and a faint thrill ran through her body, as delicious as it was unwelcome—yet Harun was finally looking at her, his eyes ablaze with life. ‘Alim’s shown up at last,’ he said abruptly.
Amber gasped. Alim’s disappearance from the clinic in Bern three years ago had been so complete that all Harun’s efforts to find him had proven useless. ‘He’s alive?’
Harun nodded. ‘He’s in Africa, taken by a Sudanese warlord. He’s being held hostage for a hundred million US dollars.’
Her hand fluttered to her cheek. ‘Oh, no! Is he well? Have they hurt him?’
The silence went on too long, and, seeing the ice chips in his eyes, she realised that, without meaning to, she’d said something terribly wrong—but what?
Floundering for words when she couldn’t know which ones were right or wrong, she tried again, wishing she knew something, anything about the man she’d married. ‘Harun, what are you going to do about it?’
‘Pay the ransom in full, of course. He’s the true Sheikh of Abbas al-Din, and without the contracts from the oil he found we’d have very little of our current wealth.’ He hesitated for a moment. ‘I’m going to Africa. I have to be there when he’s released, to find out if he’s coming home. And—he’s my brother.’
She’d expected him to say that, of course. From doing twelve hours of mind-numbing paperwork to meeting dignitaries and businessmen to taking up sword and gun, Harun always did what was right for the country, for his people, even for her, at least in public—but she hadn’t expected the catch in his voice, or the shimmer of tears in those normally emotionless eyes. ‘You love him,’ she muttered, almost in wonder.
He frowned at her. ‘Of course I do. He’s my brother, the only family I have left, and he—might come home at last.’
The second catch in her stranger husband’s voice made her search his face. She’d never seen him cry once since Fadi’s death. He’d never seemed lonely or needy during the years of Alim’s disappearance, at least not in her presence. But now his eyes were misty, his jaw working with emotion.
Amber felt a wave of shame. Harun had been missing his brother all this time, and she’d never suspected it. She’d even accused him once of enjoying his role too much as the replacement sheikh to care where Alim was, or if he was alive or dead. He’d bowed and left her without a word, seconds before she could regret her stupid words. She’d wanted to hurt him for always being so cold, so unfeeling with her—but during the past three years she’d been able to call or Skype with her family daily, or ask one sister or another to visit. She’d left him all alone, missing his brother, and she’d never even noticed until now.
The sudden longing to give him comfort when she knew he’d only push her away left her confused, even frightened. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said in the end—a compromise that was so weak, so wishy-washy she felt like an idiot. ‘I hope he does come home, for your sake.’
‘Thank you.’ But it seemed she’d said the wrong thing again; the smile he gave her held the same shard of ice as his eyes. ‘Will it make a difference to you?’
Taken aback, she stammered, ‘W-what? How could Alim’s return possibly make any difference to me?’
Harun shrugged, but there was something—a hint of fire beneath his customary ice with her. She didn’t know why, but it fascinated her, held her gaze as if riveted to his face. ‘He surrendered himself to the warlord in order to protect the woman who saved his life, a nurse working with Doctors for Africa. Very courageous of him, but of course one expects no less from the Racing Sheikh. Soon Alim will become the true, hereditary sheikh he should have been these three years, and I’ll be back to being—Brother Number Three.’
By this point she wondered if any more blood could possibly pool in her face. Ridiculous that she could feel such envy for a woman she’d never met, but she’d always yearned to have a man care enough about her to make such a sacrifice. To know Alim, the man who’d run from her, could risk his life for another woman—
Then, without warning, Harun’s deliberate wording slithered back into her mind like a silent snake, striking without warning. Frowning, she tilted her head, mystified. ‘What did you mean by that—Brother Number Three?’
‘It took you long enough to remember. Thinking of Alim, were you?’ He lifted a brow, just a touch, in true understated irony, and, feeling somehow as if he’d caught her out in wrong behaviour, she blushed. Slowly, he nodded. ‘I thought you might be.’
Her head was spinning now. ‘You just told me he’s alive and has been taken by a warlord. Who else should I be thinking about?’ He merely shrugged again, and she wanted to hit him. ‘So are you going to explain your cryptic comment?’
It took him a few moments to reply, but it wasn’t truly an answer. ‘You figure it out, Amber. If you think hard, you might remember … or maybe you won’t. It probably was never very important to you.’
‘I don’t understand,’ she said before she could stop herself.
His gaze searched hers for a few moments, but whatever he was looking for he obviously didn’t find. For some reason she felt a sense of something lost she didn’t know she’d had, the bittersweet wishing for what she never realised she could have had.
Before she could ask he shrugged and went on, ‘By the way, you’ll be needed for a telecast later today, of course, my dear. We’re so glad Alim’s alive, of course we’re paying the ransom, et cetera.’
The momentary wistfulness vanished like a stone in a pond, only its ripples left behind in tiny circles of hurt. ‘Of course,’ she said mockingly, with a deep curtsy. ‘Aren’t I always the perfect wife for the cameras? I must be good for something, since you endure my continued barrenness.’
His mouth hardened, but he replied mildly enough, ‘Yes, my dear, you’re perfect—for the cameras.’
He’d left the room before the poison hidden deep inside the gently-spoken cryptic words hit her.
Brother Number Three.
Oh, no—had it been Harun standing behind the door when she’d discussed her unwanted marriage—no, her unwanted groom—with her father?
She struggled to remember what she’d said. The trouble was, she’d tried to bury it beneath a blanket of forgetfulness ever since she’d accepted her fate.
Brother Number Three … how am I to face this total stranger in the marriage bed?
Her father’s words came back to haunt her. He’s been left completely alone … in deepest mourning …
He’d heard everything, heard her fight with all her might against marrying him—
And he’d heard her father discuss her feelings for Alim.
She closed her eyes. Now, when it was far too late, she understood why her husband had barely spoken to her in all this time, had never tried to find friendship or comfort with her, had rarely if ever shown any emotion in front of her—and remembering how she’d reacted, then and just now …
For three years she’d constantly punished him for his reaction—one born of intense grief and suffering, a reaction she could readily understand … at least she could understand it now. During the most painful time of his life, he’d needed one person to be there for him. He’d needed someone not to abandon or betray him, and that was exactly what she’d done. He’d come to her that day, and she’d treated him with utter contempt, a most unwanted husband, when he’d been the one to salvage her pride and give her the honour she deserved.
No wonder he’d never tried to touch her, had never attempted to make love to her, even on the one occasion she’d gone to his room to ask him to come to her bed!
But had she asked? Even then she’d been so cold, so proud, not hesitating to let him know how he’d failed her over and over. Give me a child and remove this shame you’ve forced on me all this time, she’d said.
With a silent groan, she buried her face in her hands.
The question now was, what could she do to make him forgive her, when it was years too late to undo the damage?
Harun was climbing into the jet the next day when he heard his name being called in the soft, breathless feminine voice that still turned his guts inside-out.
She might be your wife, but she can’t stand you. She wants Alim—even more, now she knows he’s alive, and as heroic as ever.
The same old fight, the same stupid need. Nothing ever changed, including his hatred for his everlasting weakness in wanting her.
Lust, it’s nothing more than lust. You can ignore that. You’ve done it for three years. After a few moments, struggling to wipe the hunger from his face, he turned to her. Afraid he’d give himself away somehow, he didn’t speak, just lifted a brow.
With that limber, swaying walk, she moved along the carpet laid down for him to reach the jet from the limo, and climbed the stairs to him. Her eyes were enormous, filled with something he’d never seen from her since that wretched night a year ago when he could have had her, and he’d walked away. ‘Harun, I want to come with you.’
A shard of ice pierced his heart. Amber hated to fly, yet here she was, ready to do what she hated most. For the sake of seeing Alim? ‘No.’
She blinked and took an involuntary step back at his forceful tone. ‘But I want to—’
He couldn’t stand to hear her reasons. ‘I said no.’
Her chin shot up then, and her eyes flashed. Ah, there was the same defiant wife he’d known and ached to have from three feet or three thousand miles of distance for so long. ‘Damn you, Harun, it’s all I’m asking of you.’
Harun turned his face away. Just looking at her right now hurt. For the first time she was showing him the impulsive, passionate side he’d believed slumbered deep inside her, and it was for Alim.
Of course it was for Alim; why should he expect anything else? In all these years, she’d only shown emotion once: when she’d asked—no, demanded—that he end her public shame, and give her a child. When he’d said no, she’d sworn at him for the first time.
But she’d just sworn at him again.
‘You still care for him so much?’ he asked, his voice low and throbbing with the white-hot betrayal he barely managed to hide.
She sighed. ‘I’m not nineteen any more. I’m your wife. Please, just give me a chance. It’s all I’m asking.’
A chance for what? he wanted to ask, but remained silent.
Something to the left of him caught his attention. Her bags were being stowed in the hold. With a sense of fatalism, he swept a hand before him. ‘By all means, come and see him. I’m sure he’ll appreciate your care.’
No part of her touched him as she pushed past him and into the jet. Her chin was high, her eyes as cold as they’d always been for him … except on that fateful night last year—and a moment ago, because she wanted to see Alim.
Damn her. Damn them both.
Yet something like regret trailed in the wake of the warm Gulf wind behind her. Harun breathed it in, refusing to yet again indulge in the wish that things could be different for them. It was far too late.
She was sitting upright and straight in the plush, wide seat, her belt already buckled. He sat beside her, and saw her hands gripping the armrests. He’d seen this on the times they’d had to go to another country for a state visit. She really hated flying.
His hand moved to hers, then stopped. It wasn’t his comfort she wanted.
During the final safety check of the jet the silence stretched out. The awkwardness between them was never more evident than when they sat side by side and could find nothing to talk about: he because all he could think of was touching her and hating himself for it, and she presumably because all she wanted was to get away from him, as fast and as far as possible.
How she must hate this life, trapped in this submissive woman’s role, tied to a man she despised.
‘You are not Brother Number Three.’
Startled, he turned to face her, prompted by a tone of voice he’d never known from his cold, proud wife. The fierce words seemed to burst from her; the passion he’d always felt slumbering in her came to blazing life in a few restrained words. ‘I’m sorry I ever said it, and sorrier still that you heard stupid words said in my own shock and grief, and took them so literally. I humiliated you before my father, and I’m sorry, Harun.’
Surprise and regret, remembered humiliation, yearning and a dozen other emotions flew around in him, their edges hitting him like the wings of a wild bird caged. He could only think of one thing to say, and he couldn’t possibly say it to his stranger wife. What am I to you now? As ever, he resorted to his fall-back, the cool diplomacy that told her nothing about what he was thinking or feeling. ‘It’s all right.’
‘No, it isn’t. It’s not all right between us. It never has been, and I never knew why. But we’ve been married for three years. In all this time, why didn’t you try, even once, to talk to me?’ Touching his cheek, she turned him to face her before he could school his stunned surprise that her hands were on his skin. ‘I always wanted to know why you hated me. You were outside the door that day.’
Taken aback, he could only answer with truth. ‘I don’t hate you.’
An encyclopaedia could be written on the doubt in her eyes. ‘Really? You don’t?’
Reluctant understanding touched a heart shrouded in ice too long. ‘No,’ was all he said.
She sighed. ‘But you don’t trust me. You won’t treat me even as a friend, let alone your wife.’ She shook her head. ‘I thought you were a servant when I heard your footsteps behind the door. I would never have done that to you—don’t you know that?’
Her face was vivid with the force of her anger and her regret. She thought she wanted to know about his emotions—but she didn’t have a clue. If he let out one iota of his feelings, it might break a dam of everything he’d repressed since he was eight years old.
I need you to be strong for me again, little akh, Fadi had said at his mother’s funeral, only three months after their father died, and Alim had stormed off within minutes of the service beginning. We have to stand together, and show the world what we ‘re made of.
I need you to stay home and help me, little akh, he’d said when Alim was seventeen, and his first race on the circuit gave him the nickname the Racing Sheikh. What Alim’s doing could change the nation for us, economically and socially. You can study by correspondence, right? It won’t make a difference to you.
I need you to come home, little akh. I feel like I’m drowning under the weight of all this, Fadi had said when Harun was nineteen, and had to go on a dig to pass his archaeology course. I’ll fix it with the university, don’t worry. You’ll pass, which is all you want, right?
‘I suppose I should have known,’ he answered Amber now. From the vague memories he had of his mother, he knew that it was dangerous not to answer an angry woman, but it was worse to answer with a truth she didn’t want to hear.
