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“I know you’re putting on a brave face, but there is always a bright side. If you really feel like everything’s wrong, you have to make a radical change. When I was in college, I got dumped and I moped around the dorm with dirty hair, playing Duncan Sheik albums for a month. Finally, my hall monitor sat me down and said, “Look, you have to do something. It doesn’t matter what it is, but do something. You’re annoying.”
“Are you saying I’m annoying?”
“Not yet, but you will be soon enough if you don’t take action. Annoying and an alcoholic.”
“I’m not an alcoholic! I’m just drinking to take the edge off. Matty said everyone in New York is on anti-anxiety meds and tranquilizers.”
“If your nerves are strung that tight, then maybe you need to move to Arizona and join a sweat lodge, or a go to a Buddhist monastery or something. I mean it, Shay, sometimes a really radical change is called for. Look at Oprah. She wakes up one day and decides to stop doing Jerry Springer-like TV and be uplifting instead. Next thing you know, she’s queen of the world.” Maggie pulled a photo out of my pile of papers and spun it around to face her. “Hell-o! Who’s this hottie?”
“That’s right! I haven’t seen you all day. He’s the guy whose book I don’t get to write.”
She held up one of him in formal chef’s whites and a tall hat. “Nice,” she declared. She held up another of him posing stiffly in a tux, in mid-handshake with the president. “Handsome,” she declared. Pulling an action shot of him shearing a sheep while wearing a waffled thermal shirt pulled tight across his chest, and a pair of torn cords, she yelled, “Yes, please!”
“I know, right?”
She rifled through more photos and tear sheets. “He looks good dressed up, and all, but the sweet spot for me is that farm-boy thing. Sweaty and dirty with muscles rippling. Mm-mm-mm! Hey look, this restaurant is just a town or two over from Wicklow, where Gran’s sister and the rest of that side of the family live over in Ireland. Did Brenda give you this stuff? And by the way, is that a new pashmina?”
I ignored the pashmina question and gave Maggie the blow-by-blow beginning with breakfast with Matty, to my meeting with Brenda, to getting shot down trans-Atlantically by Tom O’Grady, to my near-arrest and, finally, my firing.
I finished my tale of woe and she sat silent for a minute. Then she poured herself another glass and declared, “You have to go there.”
“Where?”
“To Ireland, of course.”
“You’re out of your mind. For what?”
“To write his book.”
“He said no.”
“So. Go over there and make him say yes. Do something.”
Images flashed through my head: Me, stepping off the plane and into a waiting limo to be whisked to Tom O’Grady’s world-class restaurant, where we’d drink champagne while he told his life story into a recorder; Me, yawning awake in silk pajamas between high-thread-count sheets in one of Castle Stone’s master bedroom-range guest rooms; Me, posing for photos at The Guild of Food Writer’s Awards, Hank in the front row, clapping with satisfaction.
Maybe it was the wine, but it dawned on me that this idea was the best and only possible answer. “Yeah, that’s something I could do. It’s better than sitting around being annoying, right?”
There was a light in Maggie’s eyes and I could see her wheels turning. “Get me my laptop,” she ordered. “And open another bottle of wine.”
While I uncorked our last bottle, she got to work pricing airfares, and emailing and Facebooking relatives. “Give me your credit card,” she demanded.
“Are you booking a flight? Right now?” Curling my legs under myself, I realized I felt gun-shy. “I just got fired. I’m still paying off my student loans and that credit card debt from right after college.”
“Good point.” She leaped up and fetched her purse. “I’ll put it on mine.” Before I could protest, she held up a warning hand. “Stop. You’ll pay me when Brenda cuts you that advance check.”
Weakly, I told her, “There’s no promise of an advance. I don’t even have a contract.”
“No matter,” she said. “You’re going to get that book written and then she’ll have to pay you. The money will come later rather than sooner. You have a verbal agreement and if she punks on it I’ll have Eric send letters from the firm. If we need to lawyer up, we’ll lawyer up.” I was alarmed. It must have shown on my face.
“It won’t come to that,” she assured me, typing in her credit card numbers. “Brenda needs that book done, she assigned it to you, and you are going to deliver.”
Warmth rose up in my chest. I stared at my friend, who was efficiently setting my life’s wheels in motion. How lucky was I to have someone so firmly in my corner. The way Maggie treated me was so different from the way Hank treated me.
“You really believe in me, don’t you Mags?”
“Damn straight, I do. And I’m never wrong.”
I couldn’t argue with that. Maggie has always bet on the right horse and come out a winner.
She continued, “Oh, look! My cousin Des is answering my PM. It’s late there…he usually works nights. Must be his day off. He’s typing…he says ‘Ah sure, I’ll pick her up at the airport’ and asks ‘Is she a ride?’” Maggie laughed. “He’s disgusting,” she said, typing back. “He says tomorrow morning he’ll ask my Auntie Fiona if you can stay with them. I’m sure she’ll say yes. She’s the one who helped me apply to that summer literature seminar at Trinity College. Then I stayed at her house in Wicklow. It’s close to where you need to be. Castle Stone is in Ballykelty. It’s a little village in County Wexford. The beach there is where they filmed Saving Private Ryan, but you’d never know it. There’s not a sign in sight. The locals don’t like to draw attention to themselves. You’re going to love it, Shay!”
Hearing Maggie rattle off the names of the foreign people, buildings, towns, and counties made me dizzy. Or maybe it was the wine. I’d forgotten to eat dinner again. “Starting tomorrow,” I vowed, “I’ll take better care of myself. I’ll start the day with herbal tea and eat balanced meals. I’ll start sending out resumés and get a lucrative day job somewhere where they’ll treat me with respect.”
I heard my phone ping. I glanced at it and struggled to focus. It was an e-ticket confirmation from Aer Lingus.
“Uh, Maggie. When is my flight?” I held the phone back from my face, trying to read the tiny, blurry words.
“Tomorrow morning.” She slammed her laptop shut. “The car service is coming at 4:30, so we’d better start packing. You’re welcome.”
Chapter Six (#u96507adc-a14b-5ec3-a5ce-a486eecc76b1)
The future is not set, there is no fate but what we make for ourselves.
I was counting the seconds until the plane hit a comfortable cruising altitude. My hands shook. I had barely gotten three hours of sleep and I was pretty sure I was still drunk. I needed a coffee just to keep me upright. Sitting in the window seat almost at the back of the plane, I held hope that the middle seat in my row of three would stay empty. Just as the crew swung the cabin door closed, a cheerful red-faced guy pushed in, banging every person on the left-hand aisle in the head with his briefcase, apologizing to each. Of course, he wedged in next to me, where his hammy forearm was now hogging the armrest. I was freezing, but I didn’t dare push the call button for a blanket lest I draw attention to myself and give him a reason to speak to me.
What had Maggie been thinking, sending me to the ends of the earth to chase down a crabby chef who wanted no part of me? As I walked through the temporary hallway-on-wheels, I told myself to simply turn around and go home. I didn’t have the guts to defy Maggie, though. So here I sat, trapped next to Sunny McSausagefingers, being forced to inhale his fresh and grassy aftershave.
Contorting my body in the tiny space, I fished between my legs to root around for my (Brenda’s) pashmina. I felt a hard, rectangular something wrapped in crinkly paper. I wedged it out of my bag and into my lap. It was a present, with a card on the front.
Dear Shay — I was saving this for your birthday, but I want you to have it now to keep you company on this trip. I know you must be scared, but I have a feeling you’re going to get everything you ever wanted. Love, Mags. P.S. If you have the chance to leap into bed with a sexy aul Irishman (anyone but my cousin Des!) do it. What happens in Ireland, stays in Ireland.
What did Maggie know about being scared? She was a luck magnet and her future was being paved for her in gold, brick by brick. I knew Maggie loved me and that her goal was to reach down and pull me up with her. I knew how lucky I was to have her pushing me. And yet… and yet… why everyone else and not me? My guilt at thinking this about my best friend made my muscles tight. Was there any feeling worse than covetousness? I had to talk myself down off a ledge. As they say, “compare and despair.” I reminded myself that Maggie wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and shifted my focus to the positive. After all, she’d set the wheels in motion to help me fix my life and she’d packed me a gift to boot.
I slid my present out of the wrapping paper. It was a beautiful journal, covered in nubby, sage green, handmade paper with yellow dried flowers pressed into it. It looked like a spring field. It was almost too pretty to write in. There was even a pen to go with it — just the kind I liked, with a clicker on top, a clip for attaching, and a nice heavy weight. It was a retro sunny yellow color. The words Kate’s Paperie appeared in demure typeface on the inside of the back cover of my new journal Maggie knew that was one of my favorite stores in all New York. I turned the book over in my hands. I admired it. Maggie intended to make me happy with this gift, pure and simple. I noticed a little sheet sticking out. It read,
This present is not for saving, it’s for using. Signed, Margaret Doyle, Queen of Everything.
I lay my head back against the seat, smiling about my new gift. Packing a neck pillow would have been a good idea. I was tired, but so tense at the same time. My shoulders were in knots. “I’ll just close my eyes for a minute, just until the beverage cart come by with some coffee,” I thought. I tried to rest, but my mind wouldn’t quiet.
Tracing my fingers lightly over the relief of the flowers on my new journal, I remembered the daffodils that pushed up at my grandparent’s house upstate, sometimes before it was really even warm outside. My mom grew up in that house, situated on the east bank of the Hudson River. I toured colleges up that way: Vassar, Bard, Concordia. Hank pushed for Columbia or NYU so I wouldn’t have to leave the city.
“New York is the capital of the world,” he told me. “It’s the place to grab life by the balls.” At the time, the idea of grabbing anyone or anything by the balls seemed out of my wheelhouse. I needed to proceed at a slower pace; to test the waters. We compromised on Sarah Lawrence. “Good for writers; close to urban life,” so Hank said. The scholarly and artistic atmosphere suited me. That, and the culture of accepting hairy legs and a wardrobe of sweat suits. My seminars required prep time. I didn’t have the time or energy to doll up for classes.
When I was a little kid, mom and I had spent summers with my grandparents in Rhinebeck. I could almost smell the tomatoes she grew; she loved them so much, sometimes we’d eat them straight from the vine, still warm from the sun. And Grandma had her wonderful black and white Border Collie, Pip. I was so sad when he had died. Poor old Pip. When his time came, he was so weak Grandma fed him baby formula from a dropper to keep his mouth moist. His breathing became more and more rattled with each hour. That last night, we curled up next to his fuzzy donut bed by the fireplace and laid our hands on him as his body shook in one last violent spasm before he lay quiet. She and I spooned together and cried. We didn’t bury his body till the next morning.
I pushed away my thoughts and lay my head back, trying to blank my mind.
“Focus on one breath in, one breath out, breathing in a circle,” the yoga teacher from the one class I’d ever taken tried to teach me. I didn’t want to think about Pip, or Grandma, or how scared I was to be going halfway around the world alone. I pictured the tension in my shoulders liquefying, draining away. My body craved sleep. Breathing in, breathing out. The buzz of the aircraft and the vibration of the seat lulled me. The voices of the other travelers, popping of the soda cans, the thump of tray tables all faded away.
I emerged from the nothingness walking the hallway of Hank’s Upper West Side apartment, or at least it seemed like Hank’s place. Vines adorned the ceilings. They crawled with hissing cockroaches and tiny birds that shrieked occasional high-pitched complaints. I didn’t want to walk underneath these creatures.
It was very cold and dimly lit. I was only in my nightgown, wrapped in a red duvet, but when the elevator door opened, I got on anyway. Lizbeth and Jordan Silver were on, too. I stayed still so they wouldn’t see me. On the ground floor, I hugged Dmitry and told him I’d miss him, and that he’d been like a father to me. He tried to hide the cigarette in his hand. The smoke choked me but I said, “No, please smoke. You have every right to make yourself happy.” And I meant it with all my heart. He waved, smiling, as I walked out the door. Instead of exiting onto West End Avenue, I walked onto Grandma’s lawn.
The grass was cool on my feet, but the sun was warm on my face and shoulders, so I threw off my duvet. Pip was barking, and frisking; he beckoned me to follow. Seeing him made me so happy, it felt like my heart was filled with helium. I screamed, “Good boy! Good boy!” But it only came out as a wheeze. I chased after him, and he led me to a big double bed covered in soft pillows and pastel quilts. Mom was tucked in and she stretched her arms out to me. I climbed in and snuggled into a hug. Pip sprung aboard, turned around several times, and curled into a nose-to-tail circle. “I love you, my girl,” Mom said. Tears of joy flooded from my eyes. I could hardly make out Mom’s face through the water, but I could see that she was smiling.
As I wriggled around to get comfortable, the sheets started to feel scratchy. The sprawling bed was now a tight hospital cot and my spine scraped against the metal bedrail. Mom’s skin felt cold against my hand, so I smoothed back her hair. It came out in a clump. I couldn’t shake it off my hand. Her skin felt waxy. I pressed her shoulder to wake her up, but she wouldn’t rouse. I sobbed. Pip stood up, pinning my leg with his front paws, and barked. “Yip! Yip! Yip!”
“Miss…Miss. Miss!”
I opened my eyes to see my seatmate holding out a package of tissues and a concerned flight attendant holding out a steaming paper cup.
“There, there, love. Wipe your eyes.” The heater had been aimed in my direction and I was covered in an Aer Lingus blanket. “You were shivering, so I took the liberty of covering you up. Hope you don’t mind. The air hostess here has a cup of strong tea for you, with lots of sugar. Sure, it helps the shock. Drink up.” The flight attendant was looking at me with such warm concern, I immediately felt better. .
I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue. I sipped the hot, sweet tea. The fragrance and the taste seeped into me, the warmth soothed the back of my throat, and lit a path down through my chest to my gut. It was so good. I finished the cup in greedy gulps. It was like that cup of tea was what I’d been waiting for all my life.
“Better now?” asked the pretty girl in the crisp, white blouse and green scarf.
I nodded.
“You wouldn’t have an aul snack for the girl in the back there, wouldja?” my seatmate asked. “It’s only that dinner’s not on, and she’s under the weather.”
“Gotcha. Back in two shakes,” she said.
On what planet are people this nice? I wondered. Certainly not planet New York City. Back in the office, I’d dragged myself in with the flu for a mandatory staff meeting on the coldest day of the winter. Not only did Matty refuse to get me a cup of tea citing “very real SARS concerns,” Lizbeth tagged me to run down to Pick-A-Bagel to check on the breakfast order. And I’d grown up with Hank. From an early age I’d learned to rely on myself or do without. Apart from Maggie, I hadn’t experienced people falling all over themselves to help me out of sheer kindness in forever. Since Mom. Since Grandma.
“Brian Lynch,” the man said, holding his huge hand out for me to shake. I blushed, thinking of the mean things I’d said in my head about him. I had a wild moment thinking he could read my mind, but judging from his genuine smile, I could see that he expected the best from me.
“Shayla Sheridan,” I replied.
“Good to know you, Sheila. I have a daughter near your age, and two married ones, a bit older. Pretty girls, all, just like you. Now, don’t let me trouble you. Go and get your rest.”
“No,” I said. “I just had a rough morning. And,” I paused. He was looking at me with really kind eyes. I dropped my defenses and sighed a cleansing sigh, “I had a bad dream. I’m good now.” I rolled my head around on my shoulders. The tightness had subsided. I took a moment to check in with myself. Was I OK? I really was.
“Then tell me, Sheila, what brings you to Ireland?”
Maybe it was that loneliness that comes along with flying far above the oceans that spurred me on, but I broke my own rule about never talking to strangers on a plane, and told Brian Lynch the whole story. An excellent listener, he interjected with “Say it’s not so!” and “You’re joking!” and “Too right!” at all the appropriate intervals. In mid-story, Moira — that’s the flight attendant — brought me two scones, a tiny jar of jam, and a pot of clotted cream. “Put that inside you, it’ll do you a world of good” she said. “And here’s something to wash it down with.” More tea. I didn’t object.
I tried to imagine any young, hip girl in New York insisting that I eat a dense sugary bread roll spread with the creamiest, fattiest, sweetest ambrosia anyone’s ever tasted on this earth. For those of you who’ve never had clotted cream, I can only tell you that it must be mother’s milk from an angel. When I’d dug out all I could from the little foil cup using my plastic airline knife, I couldn’t stop myself from licking it clean.
“Good girl,” was Brian’s response.
My tray was cleared and I came to the end of my story. I took out the folder to show him Tom O’Grady’s photo.
“Ah, sure I know Tom O’Grady. He was in the papers not long ago, shaking hands with your president, and the prime minister, and all the rest. The missus and I stayed in Castle Stone on our silver wedding anniversary, back before they refurbished the place. Lovely then, of course, with the horses trotting the paths, and the manicured gardens, and the old chapel for mass, but I’ve heard it’s splendid now.”
“Care for some dinner?” Moira interrupted. “Would you like the pasta, the chicken, or the beef? Pasta, chicken or beef?” The cart had made it down to our row. Brian took the beef, so I figured, “when in Rome.” We arranged our trays and tore the tops and wrappers off of all our little packages. The second the smell of the gravy hit my nose, I was ravenous. It was like the scones never happened. I was thrilled to see chunks of carrot and potato nestled in with the cubes of roast.
“Care for something to drink? Sparkling water, beer, wine, a cocktail?”
“Orange juice for me, please,” Brian said. “Car’s parked at the airport. I don’t live far, only on the north side of Dublin, but I never risk it.”
I almost ordered a vodka and soda with lemon, just out of habit, but I really didn’t want a drink. I liked chatting with Brian, and I was feeling sharp. I felt better than I had in weeks. “Orange juice for me, too, please.”
“Full of vitamin C,” Brian declared. “Won’t do you a bit of harm.” I liked the way he said ‘vit-amin,’ rhyming ‘vit’ with ‘bit’. We ate our meals companionably.
“I understand your man Tom gave up the high life in London to go home and help out the old Lord.”
“He’s not my man!” I corrected, shocked. “I’ve never even met him.”
“Turn of phrase,” Brian explained. “Anthony Stone, Earl of Wexford’s the name. I read something in one of my girls’ tabloids about the place falling to ruin, the family not being able to keep up with the taxes or what have you. You see that kind of thing more and more these days. The titled losing vast tracts of land that’s been with them for centuries.”
“So what does that have to do with Tom? Tom O’Grady, I mean.”
“That part I can’t tell you. The magazine was one of them girly jobs. Only paper I had with me on the train one day, so I read it cover to cover. It talked more about him splitting with that girl he had the television show with. Something about her demanding a yellow diamond for an engagement ring, and him leaving London heartbroken, barely able to lift his head. Said he took to the drink. To tell the truth, I’m embarrassed to know all this. Those papers are pure gossip and lies, all. I shouldn’t be repeating what they say.”
I finished every scrap of my dinner, including the little Bakewell tart in a cup, topped with custard. Brian and I chatted comfortably while the meal was cleared. We took turns excusing ourselves to go to the lavatory, and stretched our legs by standing in the galley with Moira for a while. He showed me pictures of his wife and daughters and I told him what it was like to grow up with a famous father. “But don’t tell anyone, please,” I entreated.
“Your secret’s safe with me, pet.” When I thought about it, it kind of was. Brian though my name was Sheila. He hunkered down in his seat, and in that way old men have, dropped off to sleep almost immediately, snoring softly. This time I didn’t mind his arm on my armrest.
Careful not to awaken him, I took out my journal and cracked the stiff spine open to the first creamy blank page.
Dear Mags, I watched my hand write. Strange. I’d kept journals over the years, but I’d never written “to” anyone. I’d never even used the salutation “Dear Diary.” Oh well, I was writing in ink, so I decided to go with it. “I owe you an apology. I’ve been thinking vile thoughts about you all day, and I’m so sorry. All during the ride to the airport, I convinced myself that you’d cooked up this scheme to get rid of me. In my head, you’d jettison me to another country, go into HPC and laugh about me over cocktails at my desk with Matty, and move in a new roommate who is more fun and who actually has a job, like maybe Carly the Intern. I’m so bad! If you hated me, would you have stayed up all night straightening my hair so I could look like a modern, urban writer? All you did was try to dig me out of a hole, lend me money, and throw in the most perfect gift I’ve ever received in to boot. On second thought, you really are trying to show me up, aren’t you? Kidding! Thanks for wishing me sex, too, though that prospect is highly unlikely. If what I hear about Ireland’s climate is true, even Colin Farrell would have to cut me out of my long underwear using scissors! Anyway, my parts must be frozen from lack of use. Whatevs! Totally unimportant because I’m going to be in and out of there like a cat burglar. I plan to find O’Grady, get him to tell me a few colorful stories about leprechauns or shillelaghs or potato famines, or whatever, and get this book written. I will not be long in the land of flat caps and frizzy hair. Boom! Brenda will kvetch and kvell, I’ll be her hero, and there will still be plenty of time to call Ray Diablo on his personal number before he hires another writer. Uh oh! They’re calling for seatbacks and tray tables. I’ll call T O’G (how do they do initials with apostrophes??!) in the morning from your aunt’s house. Today’s the 20th and you have me coming home on the 24th. I know your aunt offered to keep me the whole time, but I think after I nail this, I might treat myself to a hostel in Dublin and do a little sightseeing. I’d tell you to wish me luck, but you already have. Love, Shay.”
I patted myself on the back for not having checked luggage. In reality, I had Maggie to thank for that. She’d edited a book about packing and organization, and she’d internalized all the flight attendant’s tips. Besides, I’d only be here a few days. She brutally cut out all but the essentials, but tucked every manner of jewel and accessory one could imagine into the toes of shoes, the inner circle of rolled up belts, and between layers of flat, folded clothing.
When Brian and I parted at customs, I felt sadder than I expected to.
“You look after yourself, Sheila,” he said. “I don’t like the thought of you being on your own. If you need anything, anything at all, you ring me.” He gave me his card. “Brian Lynch, GlobeCo, Director of Sales and Distribution, Ireland-UK-US.”
“Anything at all, hear? I couldn’t bear the thought of one of my own daughters wanting for anything in a strange country. I’m as near as the telephone.”
I gave him a hug, not the sort of thing I usually do, but I really didn’t want to let him go. His kindness had shone a spotlight on my loneliness. He patted my back in a fatherly way.
“Thank you,” was all I could manage. I smiled and walked away quickly. I didn’t like goodbyes in general and this one hurt more than it should. I waved without turning around, and heard him call, “Keep outta trouble, Sheila!”
As I stood in line, waiting to go through customs, I realized I’d left my winter coat in the overhead compartment. Shit. Should I try to reboard? There was nothing in the pocket except my gloves; I’d either get it back or I wouldn’t.
With only my carry on, and my small rolling suitcase I felt small and underprepared. The longer I stood waiting, the more dread I felt. On the plane, where I was being fed and watched over, everything seemed fine. Now dread poked me in the ribcage. Closer to the front, I could just make out the conversations of some other travelers, reminding me that the more you reveal at customs, the more questions they ask you. I’d keep it simple.
“Welcome to Ireland,” the kind-faced agent said. “Are you here for business or pleasure?”
“Pleasure,” I declared firmly, looking her straight in the eye.
Chapter Seven (#u96507adc-a14b-5ec3-a5ce-a486eecc76b1)
Need teaches a plan.
As I exited the building and breathed in my first fresh air in nearly a day, I was surprised at how warm it was. As promised, Maggie’s cousin Des met me right on time outside the terminal. I must have looked lost, because he spotted me right away, and jumped out of the car.
