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She pulled the Lexus over to the curb and when she turned back to him, Will could see tears swimming in her eyes. He wasn’t sure what to say. Had he caused this? Will reached out and cupped her face in his palm, brushing away her tears with his thumb. “Why are you crying?”
She shook her head and glanced away, but he forced her gaze to meet his. “Why?” he whispered, his heart aching at the pained expression on her beautiful face.
“Because there was a time when I could have talked you out of taking such risks. And now I wonder if I’m the reason you take them.” She drew a ragged breath. “Please tell me you didn’t choose that job because I sent you that letter.”
“I did choose it. But I chose it because it was a great opportunity and the pay grade was good.” He shrugged. “I save a lot of lives. And a lot of limbs.”
In truth, he’d chosen the job because it would force him to focus and he’d thought it would put her out of his head. He’d spent far too many nights thinking about her, and far too many days rewriting their history. EOD had forced him to move on with his life.
Of course, he couldn’t explain that to her. Or the fact that after seeing her again, he realized it had only been a temporary solution. He wasn’t over her at all. No, telling her that would be far too cruel.
Will drew a deep breath. “I could really use that cup of coffee right about now.”
Liv nodded and pulled the car back out into the street. “Me, too.”
2 (#u440ba7bb-aa77-5de0-a2e6-c3c28595925c)
BY THE TIME they reached the coffee shop, Olivia had managed to gather her wits. She chose a table near the windows and Will followed her, taking the seat that faced the door. The shop was nearly empty except for a trio of high school students discussing homework at a nearby booth.
As Will studied the menu, she watched him, barely able to contain her curiosity. She wanted to press him further on his specific injuries, on the medical prognosis for his recovery, on treatments he’d already had. It was easier for her to react like a doctor—only because it was impossible to accept what she’d done to him as a woman.
Not a woman, a child. She’d reacted to his decision to enlist like a spoiled brat, angry that he’d had the temerity to choose the military over her. At twenty years old, she had been completely self-absorbed, certain that Will’s sole purpose in life had been to make her happy. The memory made her wince.
She’d had their whole life planned out for them, the wedding, the house, the family, all without bothering to get his opinion. She’d been aware that he’d always wanted a military career, but sure she could talk him out of it. After all, how could she attend medical school if she had to follow Will around the country?
And when she’d sent him the letter, she’d meant to punish him for all the lonely nights apart and all the shattered dreams. Olivia had assumed that he’d come home on leave and they’d work everything out. But he’d never written or called. And he’d never come home. She knew he must have had the opportunity, but he’d stayed away.
After finishing college, she’d left for Chicago and medical school. And with that, the end of what they’d been was final. She had other dreams now, she reminded herself. After all, she’d just received enough grant money to set up a string of local wellness clinics for the residents of the UP, a dream she’d had since med school.
She reached out and wrapped her hands around her coffee mug. “How long will you be home?”
“I’m not sure. I can’t go back until the medical board clears me for active duty. I know I’m not ready yet. I was supposed to check in at the VA hospital in Iron Mountain and then they’d check me out and find me a local doctor to handle my case.”
“I could do that,” she said.
Will shook his head. “I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to play doctor.” He grinned and raised his eyebrows and Olivia pictured the two of them, alone in an exam room.
“I could recommend someone, then,” Olivia countered, her cheeks warming with a blush. “I’m familiar with all the doctors in the area.” She took a sip of her coffee. “How are you going to get down to Iron Mountain if you don’t drive?”
“J.T. was supposed to take me. We were supposed to drive down this morning, but he got a job so I had to cancel the appointment.”
“I could drive you,” Olivia offered. “I have a couple days off next week. We could go then.”
“I won’t get in on such short notice.”
“I’m sure if you call, they’ll take you right away.”
“You don’t know the VA.”
“I could call them,” she said.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ll take care of it.” Will reached out and grabbed a packet of sugar. He tried to tear it open but his hand trembled. He met her gaze and she could see a flicker of frustration in the blue depths.
“It comes and goes,” he murmured. “It’s worse when I’m tired.”
“What else is going on with you? You can talk to me.”
“I don’t want to complain about my problems,” he said. “I just want to get better and get back to my unit.”
“Are you taking any medication?”
“I don’t like the drugs. They don’t help. And they make me...fuzzy.” He shook his head. “Can we talk about something else? How are your parents?”
Olivia shook her head, surprised by the ease at which he’d turned the tables on her. “You really want to talk about my parents?”
“We’re done talking about my medical condition.”
“My parents are fine. They’re divorced now, but they’re fine. My mother lives in San Diego. She’s got a studio there and she’s had a couple of very successful shows. My father retired from Michigan Tech a few years ago and he’s teaching physics at the high school in Houghton.”
“I didn’t hear about the divorce. What happened?”
“There was a disagreement between them that they couldn’t get over.”
“About?”
“My mother never bargained for a life as the wife of an unimportant college professor. She’d always imagined herself as an artist, living in an Ivy League town on the East Coast, not stuck in some frozen wasteland in the UP. She put her dreams aside to follow her husband, but after a while she decided she didn’t want to live his life.”
“Well, that clears up a lot of questions I have about her feelings toward me,” Will said.
Olivia wanted to reach out and touch him, to cover his hand with hers. The need for physical contact was nearly overwhelming, but she held back, knowing that the attraction would only lead to trouble. The whole point of this talk was closure, not to pick up where they left off. “How so?” she asked.
“She didn’t want you to follow me around. Hell, I don’t blame her. Military life isn’t for everyone.”
“She wanted me to become a doctor and she wouldn’t let anything get in the way of that—not you, not my father, not even me. She never stopped pushing. And I guess I was such a mess after you left that she finally convinced me she was right.”
“Was she?” Will asked.
Olivia thought about the question for a long moment. In truth, she’d been thinking about that question for years, since the day she’d dropped the letter in the slot at the post office. “We were so young.”
“We were in love,” he replied softly. Their gazes met for a long moment, and then he glanced away. “I should go. I have to meet my sister and her kids for dinner.”
“You haven’t finished your coffee,” Olivia said.
“It—it was good. This place is nice.”
“I’ll drive you,” she offered.
He quickly shoved his chair back and stood. “No, I can walk. I’d rather walk.”
“It’s freezing out there.”
“And I’m sure I’ll survive.”
Olivia decided to let him go. The aftereffects of his brain injury had become apparent to her even in the short time they’d spent together today. His mood could shift in the blink of an eye. He often jumbled his words, which put him even more on edge. Will had never been the type to accept his imperfections, and she could see that it wore on him. So she understood why he would prefer to be alone.
Olivia held her breath as he leaned over the table and brushed a kiss across her cheek. But this time, he didn’t take the opportunity for more. “Take care,” he murmured.
She watched as he walked out the door, then disappeared down the dark street. There were moments when he seemed more like a ghost than a real man. She could just barely detect the Will she’d once known, but he was a strange, vague being that could suddenly vaporize in front of her eyes.
The emotions surging up inside her were hard to describe. They were so twisted with regret and guilt that Olivia wasn’t sure whether it was affection or pity that drove her forward. How could she keep her distance when he needed her? It was her duty as a physician—and a friend—to help him heal. And maybe then she’d be able to let him, and the guilt, go.
* * *
“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” Elly said when he entered the restaurant. “I’ve been worried. You can’t just wander off like that, Will. You don’t have a car and it’s bitter cold. I was about to call the police.”
“I’m not a goddamn child,” Will shot back, rubbing the ache in his temple. “I am perfectly capable of caring for myself, so just chill the hell out.”
Elly, her husband, Jim, and their two boys stared up at him, wide-eyed, their pizza dinner spread out on the table in front of them.
Will glanced around the small pizzeria, suddenly realizing that he’d been a bit too loud in his response. His first instinct had been to react defensively. But everyone in the place was watching him now, wondering what was going on. The place was too crowded, the patrons too close. He mentally calculated the fastest path to the door, then gritted his teeth. It took every ounce of his patience to remain calm and rational. She had a right to be worried.
“Sorry,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have used language like that. Kyle, Nate, it was wrong.”
Nathan, the five-year-old, nodded. “At least you didn’t use the F word. That one is the worst.”
Kyle nodded in agreement. “Worse than the S word.”
“Daddy says the S word all the time,” Nate countered. “It just means poop.”
“We don’t need a rundown on naughty words,” Elly said, switching her attention to her sons as she refilled their drinks from a plastic pitcher of cola. “You could have called, Will. I’ve been trying your cell phone, but you didn’t pick up.”
“I left the cell phone back at the cabin,” Will explained.
“You should always keep that with you,” she scolded. “I gave it to you to use in case of emergency. How hard is it to put it in your pocket?”
“You’re right,” he said, his jaw tight. “I’ll try to remember next time. Sorry. Mom.”
This brought a round of giggles from Kyle and Nathan. “She’s not your mom,” Nate said. “She’s our mom.”
“Sometimes she feels like my mom,” Will said.
Elly studied him for a long moment, clearly unnerved by his comment. “Were you with Olivia all this time?”
To Will’s surprise, her question didn’t anger him at all. There was no flood of temper or defensive reaction. “No,” Will lied. There was also no point in getting Elly’s hopes up. He didn’t need her constant meddling. Elly had always been of the opinion that he and Olivia were destined to be together. “I was just walking around town.”
“Well, sit down and have something to eat,” she said.
“I’m not hungry. Can I have the keys to your car? I want to go back to the cabin.”
“Sit down and have some dinner. I’ll drive you to the cabin after you eat.”
“No,” he insisted, shaking his head. “I have to get back now.”
“You’re not supposed to drive.”
“I’m not supposed to, but I can.” Will held out his hand. “Please. I’ll return it tomorrow. Early. I promise.”
“No, I’m not going to—”
“Give him the keys, El,” Jim said softly. “He knows whether or not he can drive.”
She glared at her husband. “But he—”
“Give him the keys. It’ll be all right.”
Will sent his brother-in-law a grateful look.
“I’ve got to do an estimate out that way in the morning,” Jim continued. “I can pick the car up. I’ll have one of my guys drive me out.”
“What about school?” Elly said.
“I’ll leave late and take the boys.”
She glanced back and forth between her husband and Will. Finally, with a muttered protest, she grabbed the keys from her pocket and held them out to Will. “Be careful,” she warned. “You’re not used to driving in snow.”
“There’s snow in Afghanistan,” he said. She fixed her gaze on him, a slow, simmering glare that he’d seen when she’d reached the end of her rope with Kyle and Nathan. “I’ll be very careful.”
Will turned and strode to the door. He found the battered Jeep Cherokee parked in the side lot, the windows covered with snow. He used his sleeve to clear them, then hopped in behind the wheel. Bracing his hands on the wheel, he took a deep breath before flicking the ignition.
Fear pricked at his determination. It had been over four months since the accident. His ability to do everyday tasks was slowly returning. But was he ready for this?
Will put the SUV into gear and reversed out of the parking spot, then headed to the street. Between the swirling snow and the streetlights, visibility wasn’t ideal. Everything seemed to have a strange, wavering halo around it. Focusing on the road in front of him, Will headed toward the highway and the route back to his cabin.
In his mind, he replayed the events of that evening. It seemed like a dream, as if he’d imagined seeing Liv again. But then he remembered the kiss—the way her mouth tasted, how her face felt beneath his fingertips. She was everything pure and simple and beautiful. And she was the antidote to all his fears and insecurities.
Had she been any other woman, he would have taken what he wanted and then walked away. But he cared about Liv and he wasn’t about to take advantage of her sweet and generous nature.
Besides, the last thing he needed to do was fall in love with her all over again. Especially if there was no possibility that she’d return the sentiment.
By the time he reached the road to the lake, the snow had stopped and the moon was visible in the night sky. Will turned toward the boat ramp, steering the SUV out onto the ice. The shadowy hulks of ice-fishing shacks loomed in the narrow beams of the headlights.
He put the SUV into Park and stepped out onto the ice. The wind was still sharp, biting at his face as he looked up into the star-filled sky. How many times had he stood in a desolate spot in the Afghan countryside and done this very thing, trying to imagine home and the people who waited for him there?
He’d avoided this place for so many years. Though he’d taken leave occasionally, he’d never once gone home. He’d learned to push his fear aside while defusing bombs, and yet he’d been a coward when it came to facing his personal life.
How much longer could he go on like this? What if he wasn’t cleared to return to active duty? What if that IED had ended his military career? He’d have to make a life for himself somewhere, among normal people.
Clenching his fists, Will tipped his face to the sky and screamed as loud as he could. The wind swallowed the sound before it could echo. Frustrated, Will spun and slammed his fists against the driver’s-side door.
