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The Hero’s Guide to Storming the Castle
Christopher Healy
The second book in this fast-paced and hilarious fantasy quest in the grand tradition of Shrek and The Princess Bride, starring four very unlikely, but likeable, heroes.Prince Liam. Prince Frederick. Prince Duncan. Prince Gustav. You’ve never heard of them, have you? But you’ve probably heard of Prince Charming, the guy who rides in at the last minute to save the girl. Well that’s them, all four of them. They are all Prince Charmings. Only in reality, they are a little less heroic than you might expect.After saving the kingdom(s) together, you’d think the princes would finally be able to relax. But after this heroism, do they finally have respect? Nooo… the bards have again made them even more of a laughing stock then when they started…But at least they have each other now – or do they? When Prince Liam is kidnapped and forced to marry the evil Briar Rose, they must unite again to save him. But can they really overcome their differences for long enough to save the day again? With The Bandit King, an evil warlord, and Briar Rose all working against them, they may need a little help from the Princesses this time…
For Noelle
Title Page (#u15717203-5f9d-5425-b62f-a841468f6231)
Dedication
Map of the Thirteen Kingdoms (#u5e3b8244-1eb6-5a20-8e7a-dec3b638c56b)
Prologue: Things You Don’t Know About Heroes (#ulink_809daaed-e749-5344-b5d2-5423703f7293)
PART I: CRASHING THE WEDDING (#ulink_c85d5b55-6cc2-5c46-9b42-3eb7cd56346d)
1. A Hero Has Narrow Feet (#ulink_0936f253-c43a-5b18-88df-b7fb05db3088)
2. A Hero Is a Carnivore (#ulink_a4ee515d-60db-54bc-8654-9a07004f4b5d)
3. A Hero Doesn’t Remember What He Did That Was So Special (#ulink_54e0c640-9944-580f-a7f8-b764f942b490)
4. A Hero Doesn’t Appreciate Good Comedy (#ulink_e7b6c6e3-e2ae-5a27-b6af-2568a8b80b0c)
5. A Hero Cries at Weddings (#ulink_fa0c7be3-1f64-51d3-ad75-9005cc9c1491)
6. A Hero Has a Fancy Closet (#ulink_7698c0e1-b8ae-5a31-a6f3-6ccc59c28f24)
PART II: UNCOVERING THE PLOT (#litres_trial_promo)
7. A Hero Has No Idea What’s Going On (#litres_trial_promo)
8. The Villain Redecorates (#litres_trial_promo)
9. A Hero Makes It Up as He Goes Along (#litres_trial_promo)
10. A Hero Takes No for an Answer (#litres_trial_promo)
11. A Hero Is Grossed Out by Sticky Floors (#litres_trial_promo)
12. A Hero Has No Sense of Direction (#litres_trial_promo)
13. The Villain Feeds the Fish (#litres_trial_promo)
14. A Hero Starts New Traditions (#litres_trial_promo)
15. A Hero Has a Ball (#litres_trial_promo)
16. A Hero Forgets the Lyrics (#litres_trial_promo)
17. The Villain Just Wants to Have Fun (#litres_trial_promo)
18. A Hero Has Friends in High Places (#litres_trial_promo)
PART III: STORMING THE CASTLE (#litres_trial_promo)
19. The Villain Pulls the Strings (#litres_trial_promo)
20. A Hero Acts Like a Clown (#litres_trial_promo)
21. A Hero Gets Dumped (#litres_trial_promo)
22. A Hero Hates Seafood (#litres_trial_promo)
23. A Hero Knows How to Count (#litres_trial_promo)
24. A Hero Smells a Rat (#litres_trial_promo)
25. The Villain Gives Two Thumbs-Down (#litres_trial_promo)
26. A Hero Tells It Like It Is (#litres_trial_promo)
27. A Hero Invites the Villain to Drop In (#litres_trial_promo)
28. The Villain Wins (#litres_trial_promo)
29. A Hero Doesn’t Know Where to Go Next (#litres_trial_promo)
29 1/2. The Villain Sheds a Tear (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgments (#litres_trial_promo)
Back Ad (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
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true hero plays the flute.
A true hero always carries an eyebrow comb.
A true hero smells faintly of melon.
Are any of these things true? It depends on the hero you’re talking about, of course. But you can find all these definitions of “hero”—and many more—in the how-to-be-a-hero instruction manual being written by one Prince Duncan of the kingdom of Sylvaria. Duncan’s original title for his book had been The Hero’s Guide to Saving Your Kingdom, but he decided that was too specific. So he changed it to The Hero’s Guide to Everything in the Whole World. But that had kind of the opposite problem. He eventually settled on The Hero’s Guide to Being a Hero.
Now, you may be asking yourself, Who is this Prince Duncan, and what makes him such an expert on heroes? To which I will respond by saying that perhaps you may have skipped a book on your way to this one. You should probably check on that.
But even if you know who Prince Duncan is, you may still be asking yourself, What makes him such an expert on heroes? And that is a very good question. Duncan is a former Prince Charming, sure; but he is barely more than five feet tall, gets distracted by squirrels, and has a tendency to walk into walls. Does that say “hero” to you? Not that any of Duncan’s colleagues in the League of Princes would necessarily fit your definition of “hero” either: Prince Gustav has anger management issues; Prince Liam gets easily flustered by bratty princesses; Prince Frederic collects fancy spoons and considers “dirt” his archenemy. And yet the League of Princes did manage to save not one but five kingdoms from the diabolical plans of an evil witch. Does that make all of them heroes? Duncan certainly thinks so, as evidenced by the introduction to his book.
Fig. 1 DUNCAN, author
Hello! I’m Prince Duncan of Sylvaria. You may remember me from bard songs such as “The Tale of Snow White” or “Cinderella and the League of Princes.” Although that first one never mentions my name and the second is full of factual inaccuracies. For instance, I did not escape the Bandit King by donning a magical “ring of flight” as the song suggests; I simply fell off his roof.
But at least it gets one thing right: I’m a hero. But did you know there was a time when I didn’t even realize I was a hero? It’s true. In fact, I thought I was kind of a loser. That’s what everyone always told me, anyway. But then I joined the League of Princes, and along with my good friends Liam (the one from “Sleeping Beauty”), Frederic (the one from “Cinderella”), and Gustav (the one from “Rapunzel”), I outwitted the trolls, vanquished the giant, tamed the dragon, and destroyed the evil old witch, What’s-her-name, without even breaking a sweat. Because sweat is gross.
—from THE HERO’S GUIDE TO BEING A HERO by Prince Duncan of Sylvaria, aka Prince Charming (the one from “Snow White”)
Admittedly, Duncan’s description of events skims over quite a few details. But at least his account is more accurate than the version of the story told in the popular bard song about that episode with the witch (referenced by Duncan above) that initially earned the League its fame:
Listen, dear hearts, to a tale most alarming,
’Bout a gathering of princes, all formerly charming.
’Twas fair Cinderella who bade them unite
For help with a powerful witch she need fight.
The nameless old crone held us bards as her captives
And threatened to silence our melodious octaves.
A world without music! That was her aim.
But Cind’rella would stop her at her wicked game.
She knew for this mission the allies she must have:
Prince Liam, Prince Frederic, Prince Duncan and Gustav.
Not one was a coward who shudders or winces.
These were the men of the bold League of Princes.
With the maid as their leader, the heroes set off
Into the dark woods with a grin and a laugh.
—from “CINDERELLA AND THE LEAGUE OF PRINCES” by Pennyfeather the Mellifluous, royal bard of Harmonia
Hardly any of that is correct.
Not that it matters. While Pennyfeather did indeed turn the former Princes Charming into household-name heroes with that particular bit of verse, he very quickly went on to embarrass them all with his next story-song, aptly titled “The Embarrassment of the League of Princes.”
The celebration for these mighty warriors
Ended abruptly—and they couldn’t be sorrier.
For the Bandit King (who deserves forty whacks)
Had pilfered the League’s statue from behind their backs.
The Bandit had played with these princes like toys—
Appropriate, since he’s a ten-year-old boy.
—from “THE EMBARRASSMENT OF THE LEAGUE OF PRINCES” by Pennyfeather the Mellifluous
That one’s basically true. While the princes were busy touting their victory over the witch, Deeb Rauber, the young Bandit King, humiliated the team by brazenly stealing their victory monument.
The League of Princes dropped out of sight after that. They never officially disbanded, but they all thought it best to stay out of the public eye for a while. Gustav decided to tough it out in Sturmhagen, even while his brothers continued to get credit for his heroic deeds. Duncan nestled back into his woodland estate in Sylvaria to work on his book (a choice his wife, Snow White, was quite pleased with). And Liam, still on the run from his wedding-hungry fiancée, Briar Rose, returned to Harmonia, home of his friend Frederic—and Frederic’s fiancée, Ella (aka Cinderella).
But don’t worry. It wouldn’t be long before the princes reunited and put the fate of the entire world in peril. That’s just sort of what they do.
It all begins in Harmonia, where one prince’s moment of distraction starts a chain of events that will force the whole League to tackle a perilous quest—a quest during which both lives and pants will be lost. And if you’re really worried about whether our heroes will succeed on this mission, you may not want to look at the title of Chapter 28.
Fig. 2 STATUE, pilfered
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The path to hero-hood will be fraught with danger, risk, and adversity. But it will all be worth it in the end when someone writes a factually incorrect song about you.
—THE HERO’S GUIDE TO BEING A HERO
rederic wasn’t always helpless. Sure, he’d spent most of his life having his servants cut the crusts off his toast, and he once fainted after merely thinking he had a splinter in his finger (it was really a biscotti crumb). But then he joined the League of Princes and managed to hold his own against bandits, giants, trolls, and witches. And if you had seen him throw himself under a falling stone pillar to save the life of a friend, you would have assumed he’d gotten over his general Fear of Everything. But only ten months after that near-death experience, there Frederic was, fleeing madly down the corridors of his own royal palace, squealing like a startled piglet.
“You can’t run forever,” his pursuer called out. “I can hear you panting already.”
“I’m aware of that,” Frederic wheezed. The pale, slender prince ducked into a corner, squatted behind a large ceramic flowerpot, and poked the tip of his sword out from behind a lush, green philodendron.
“Aha!” he shouted, peeking between the feathery leaves. “I win.”
Prince Liam stopped right before the big ornamental planter, lowered his sword, and shook his head. His long, burgundy cape fluttered down behind him. “Frederic,” he said. “You know that if this were a real fight, I could easily cut through that shrub and get to you. It’s a bush, not an iron shield.”
“I think the philodendron might technically be a tree, but I concede your point,” Frederic said, standing, hiking up the waistband of his gold-trimmed slacks, and straightening out the collar of his baby-blue velvet jacket (his “workout suit”). “However, this is not a real fight. And in this particular situation, the philodendron is a perfectly safe place to hide. So I’d say I outwitted you.”
“No, you didn’t,” Liam retorted. “You won because you changed the rules. You knew I wouldn’t attack the plant because I don’t want to hear your father lecturing me again about ‘defacing his royal foliage.’ But in these training exercises, I’m not me; I’m playing a bad guy. A bad guy who wants to hurt you. How will you learn to defend yourself if you don’t treat these bouts like real fights?”
“He’s right, Frederic,” said Ella, Prince Frederic’s fiancée and Prince Liam’s other sword-fighting pupil, who had raced down the hall to witness the climax of Liam and Frederic’s “duel.” She shook her head. “You weren’t even supposed to leave the training room.”
“But there’s nowhere to hide in the training room,” Frederic said.
“That’s the point,” Liam and Ella said in unison. They smiled at each other and laughed.
“Watch,” Ella said to Frederic. “This is what you can learn when you apply yourself.” She quickly drew the rapier that hung at her side and leapt at Liam.
