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Sad for Nanna, Hope wrapped her arm around the old woman’s shoulders and held her tight. They were in God’s house. Surely here of all places He could gaze into the old woman’s heart and see the loneliness—and now the hurt.
Please help her feel young again, Hope prayed. With the days she has left, let her know love one more time.
Chapter Five
Matthew knew what his mother was up to the minute that he saw Hope through the Sunshine Café’s front window.
“Look, there’s Nora and her granddaughter.” Mom flashed him a not-so-innocent smile. “I told Nora to get a table big enough for all of us. I thought brunch sounded like just the thing. I told Harold to meet us there, but it looks like Helen might be coming, too.”
“Mom, tell me you didn’t invite Hope and Nora to join us.” Matthew kept tight hold on Ian and Kale as he stopped in his tracks in the middle of the sidewalk crowded with after-church traffic. “Tell me you wouldn’t meddle in my life like that.”
“It’s just brunch. Nora’s been so housebound I thought—”
“You didn’t think. You just decided what you wanted to do and lied about it to me.”
“Lied?” Her jaw sagged and her free hand lighted on the back of his. “I did no such thing. I just didn’t tell you—”
“The truth?”
“No, that Hope would be joining us.” Mom looked so proud of herself, as if she truly believed she was doing what was best for him. “Well, look, Nora’s waving at us through the window. It’s too late to back out now, but if you want to—”
Matthew’s jaw snapped tight. He hated it when his mother did this. She meant well, and he figured she didn’t want him to be as lonely as she was, but that didn’t mean she could break open his heart like this and make him remember everything he was missing.
“Daddy!” Ian complained loudly, tugging hard against Matthew’s grip. “I wanna hamburger.”
“Hamburger, Daddy,” Kale demanded. “I’m hungry.”
They went inside, but he didn’t like it. The boys were already counting on devouring one of their favorite meals and he wouldn’t disappoint them. Not that he could stomach his mother thinking that her plan was working.
“Look at those darling boys,” Nora crooned, welcoming them all with a bright hello.
Hope sat at her grandmother’s side, somehow elegant and country-fresh at the same time in a lavender cotton dress, the kind that swirled around her woman’s form, making her look as tempting as spring. She met his gaze and shrugged, letting him know she’d been as tricked into this as he was.
“It’s the lady!” Ian raced straight to Hope and climbed onto the empty chair beside her with a clatter.
Hope held the chair steady as the boy settled down next to her. “I like your shirt.”
“Trucks.” Ian looked down at his shirt and slapped his little hand across a red truck imprinted there. “This is a fire truck—” he moved his fingers “—and a ladder truck and a tanker truck.”
Matthew hefted Kale onto a chair at the end of the table, leaving his mother to deal with the booster seats the waitress was lugging toward them, and went to rescue Hope.
“He’s into trucks,” Matthew explained as he bent to haul Ian out of the chair next to Hope, where he clearly didn’t belong.
“So am I, as a matter of fact.” She laid her warm fingers on his forearm to stop him from lifting the boy away, and her touch and words surprised him. “Ian, guess what? I saw a dump truck yesterday.”
“I seed a fire truck and…and it had water and everything.” Ian looked proud of himself.
Mom, at the end of the table, shot a happy look at Nora and beamed as if she’d discovered a big pot of gold.
“Okay, that’s enough.” Matthew grabbed Ian around the middle. Hope might be a good sport about his mother’s meddling and she was being kind to his son, but she clearly wasn’t into children. It wasn’t as if, at her age, she was married with kids of her own. “Little fireman, let’s get you over here with Gramma so you can’t bother Hope.”
“He can stay, Matthew.” Her words were velvet steel. “If you want to move him, fine, but he’s not bothering me.”
“He’ll be like this through the whole meal.”
“I like Ian. He’s a fellow truck lover.” The truth shone in her eyes—she seemed to really want Ian beside her. “Look, if you don’t trust me with him, sit right here with us and make sure I don’t start a food fight.”
“Are you kidding? Look at those two old meddling women.” He looked up to find both Mom and Nora watching him.
“Watch who you’re calling old, young man,” Nora admonished but looked undaunted as she winked at him. “Look at how your little boy takes to Hope.”
Help. That’s what he needed. Big-time help. Before he could protest, Hope spoke up.
“Nanna, you know I like children, so stop torturing Matthew or I’ll burn your supper tonight.” Hope flashed her grandmother a warning look, but her words held no real threat.
The door behind him snapped open and Helen walked through, escorting Harold. As the older women turned to greet the newcomers, Matthew knelt beside Hope and lowered his voice. “If we don’t protest this with a united front, they’ll think their matchmaking tricks are working.”
“So? Let them.” There were shadows in Hope’s eyes, too, and he watched her press a hand to her stomach, as if she were in pain. “Sooner or later they’ll figure out the truth and they’ll be happily married by then.”
She looked confident and somehow unhappy, too, and that troubled him. He wasn’t the only one hurt by this. As Helen and Harold made their way to the table, settling down on the far side of Nora, Matthew couldn’t help leaning close to whisper in Hope’s ear. “What about Helen?”
“Good question.” She swept a lock of hair from her face, an unconscious gesture that drew his gaze, and he couldn’t look away from her beauty. Her skin looked silken-soft, and she smelled like sun-kissed wildflowers.
Why couldn’t he stop noticing?
Hope caught Matthew alone in front of the egg trays at the buffet server. Grabbing a plate, she slid into line behind him. “Those women are incorrigible, using little children to further their matchmaking plans. Look at them.”
Matthew peered over his shoulder toward their table situated near the front of the café, where Patsy straightened up from pouring ketchup on Josh’s plate. His mom flashed him a triumphant smile that might mean, “See, I was right.” Seated next to Helen, Nanna laughed, caught in the act of spying.
“I see.” He reached for a serving spoon, trying to control a building anger. “They look pleased with themselves.”
“Too darn pleased.”
“You’re encouraging them.” Matthew spooned a heap of scrambled eggs onto his plate. “And I don’t like it. It’s not like I want Mom to think there’s a chance I would want—”
He paused. No, those words hadn’t sounded right. That wasn’t what he meant.
“Oh.” Hope heard his words and her fingers knocked against a serving spoon with a clatter. “That’s fine, Matthew. I’ll straighten things out once we get back to the table.”
He’d spoken without thinking, out of anger and hurt and frustration. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean I wouldn’t want to be seen with you.”
“It’s okay. You have every right to your opinion.” She scooped up a poached egg and plopped it on her plate, concentrating very hard so she didn’t have to look at him. “I wasn’t the nicest person in high school, I’ll grant you that. But I was young and with the way my family behaved, I didn’t know any better. That must be what you see when you look at me.”
“That’s not what I see.” His gaze shot behind her to where customers were grabbing plates from the stack, and moved forward to the heated trays of crisp bacon and spicy sausages. “I meant, why would a beautiful woman who has everything want to hang out with me.”
“Really, it’s okay.” Hope grabbed blindly for the tongs and dropped a bunch of sausages on her plate, then circled around Matthew, leaving him alone.
It wasn’t okay, and she didn’t know why, but a horrible tightness was squeezing into her chest. When she reached the table piled high with fruit and breads, she set her plate down and took a deep breath.
This was irrational. Completely insane. She should get a grip before someone noticed how upset she was. Taking a deep breath, she ladled melon slices onto her plate and tried not to take flight when Matthew eased beside her, reaching for a few sweet breads.
“Cinnamon rolls, for the boys.” His shoulder brushed her arm as he arranged the sweet-smelling pastries onto his crowded plate. “Hope, I’m sorry. I just meant that it’s not like either one of us wants half the town thinking we’re together. Rumors spread fast in a small town.”
“I see your point.” Trying to hide her hurt, she released the spoon too quickly, and metal clattered against the glass bowl. “For your information, I’m not all that bad to be around, at least, I’ve had other people think so. I might not be the best person in the world but I’m not the worst, thank you very much.”
Without looking at him, even as he was opening his mouth to say whatever it was that would just make her angrier, she grabbed her plate and stormed toward the table, no longer caring who noticed.
“Have a nice chat with Matthew?”
Hope set the plate on the table in front of Nanna and glared at her grandmother. She caught Patsy with a withering look and willed her voice to be quiet but firm. “No more matchmaking. I’ve had enough of it, and so has Matthew. Believe me, there’s no chance in a blue moon that we’ll ever have anything in common, so not another word. Not one more word.”
“She’s right.” Matthew towered behind her, square jaw clenched, broad shoulders set and a look of fury in his eyes. But his anger was controlled as he looked from his mother to Nanna, and then it seemed to fade away. “You heard Hope. We’re from different worlds and whatever you two have in mind is never going to work.”
“Don’t they say that opposites attract?” Patsy looked ready to launch into a full-out, charming defense but seemed to change her mind when she saw the look on her son’s face. “I only wanted to help, that’s all. Look at these little tykes. They need a mother’s care.”
“Yes, that’s right, and we love you both. We want you to be happy.” Nanna didn’t look one bit sorry. “Now, enough with this nonsense. Matthew, sit down and tend to your boys. Look what they’ve done with the ketchup.”
Matthew caught Kale before he wiped ketchup on his brother, distracted from the issue at hand, but Hope wasn’t fooled. She knew that Nanna had survived a life filled with losses and loneliness with an indomitable heart, and nothing would derail her, especially not something she felt was this important.
Frustrated, she kissed her grandmother’s cheek and headed for the buffet table to fill a plate for herself. Her stomach burned and even if she wasn’t hungry, she had to eat.
It wouldn’t be easy, sitting next to Matthew’s son and feeling Matthew’s solid presence all through the meal…and maybe feeling his dislike of her.
There was no way he would ever make Mom understand. Matthew fought frustration as he opened the refrigerator and hauled out a yellow pitcher. He slammed the door and rummaged in the cupboard for a plastic glass.
Sure, Mom was sorry but she didn’t understand. She thought he was lonely and that he was holding onto Kathy’s memory so that he could keep his heart safe from the risk of loving again. Well, she couldn’t be more wrong.
After pouring, he left the pitcher on the counter, snatched the glass and headed through the house. His footsteps echoed in the too-quiet rooms, and the dark shadows made him all too aware that he was alone. A wife would have turned on the lamps and maybe put on some soothing music. That’s what Kathy always did. His heart warmed, remembering.
He switched on the lamps and shuffled through the CDs, but couldn’t find anything that felt right. Silence was okay; he didn’t need to cover up the sound of the empty hours between the triplets’ bedtime and his own.
Matthew sat down in the recliner, put his feet up, drank some juice and grabbed the paperback book lying facedown on the end table. But when he flipped to where he’d left off reading last, the printed words stared back at him and he couldn’t concentrate.
He kept seeing Hope storming away from him in the café, hiding her hurt feelings behind cool anger, and he slammed the book shut. Frustration and conscience tugged at him. He wanted to head outside and keep going until the darkness and the cool night air breezed away this horrible knot of emotion and confusion tightening around his heart.
As he launched out of the chair, his feet hit the ground with a thud and he flew across the room. The silence felt thunderous and the emptiness inside felt as endless as the night. The doorknob was in his hand and the next thing he knew he was pounding down the front steps and into the cool darkness.
The crisp winds lashed across him, tangling his hair and driving through his shirt and jeans. He shivered, but at least he was feeling something besides heartache. Besides loneliness.
The wind rustled through the maple leaves near the house, and the rattling whisper of the aspens along the property line chased away the silence still ringing in his ears. He breathed in the scents of night earth, grass and ripening alfalfa from the nearby fields at the edge of town as a distant coyote called out and was answered. An owl swooped close on broad, silent wings and cut across the path of light spilling through the open door. He missed Kathy so much.
Father, help me to put an end to this.
There was no answer from the night, no sense of calm, no solution whispering on the wind.
“Daddy?”
Matthew heard a sniff and spun around. Josh huddled on the doorstep, rubbing at his eyes with both fists, his spaceship printed pajamas trembling around his small form. “What are you doing out of bed, hotshot?”
“I’m thirsty.”
“Then come have some water with me.” Matthew scooped his youngest son into his arms and held him close. He headed back into the house, shut the door with his foot and carried Josh into the kitchen.
The boy didn’t want to let go, so Matthew balanced him on one hip while he searched for a second glass and found a clean one in the top rack of the dishwasher. He filled the glass while Josh clung to him.
The small boy was too sleepy to talk. He drank, smacked his lips and closed his eyes. Matthew’s heart tightened with love for his child. For Kathy’s child.
With Josh’s head bobbing against Matthew’s shoulder, he carried his son down the hall to the dark bedroom where a Pooh Bear night-light cast a faint glow across the two other boys sound asleep in their beds, teddy bears clutched in small hands.
“Sweet dreams,” Matthew whispered as he laid Josh down on the spaceship sheets and covered him with the matching comforter.
Josh murmured, reaching out. Matthew spotted the bear lying forgotten against the wall and pressed it against his son’s chest. The boy yawned, eyes closed, and sleep claimed him. He didn’t stir when Matthew kissed his brow.
Kathy would have loved this, tucking in the boys, basking in the peace and quiet. She would have treasured the sense of rightness, of a day well spent and the blessing of three healthy sons asleep in their beds. With every beat of his heart, he missed her.
She was no more than a blurred face in his mind, the distant memory of a kind voice, and maybe that’s what troubled him most of all. The real reason he was on edge with his mother and had hurt Hope’s feelings. Because his beloved Kathy was fading from his memory, a little bit at a time, leaving a void in his heart. He could no longer recall the exact tone of her voice or the exact shade of her blond hair. And her smile, her touch, her presence…
She’d been the love of his life, and she was fading away from him slowly, piece by piece, memory by memory.
Clenching his fists, Matthew stood, crossed the room and pulled the door closed behind him. The empty feeling of the house seemed to vibrate around him, and he knew what he had to do. He’d behaved badly today, and it tugged at his conscience like a fifty-pound weight.
After looking up the number in the white pages, Matthew punched the lighted buttons on the pad, glowing a faint yellow, and glanced at the kitchen clock. Not ten yet. Maybe she’d still be awake.
“Hello?” Hope’s voice answered after the second ring, gentle as an evening breeze.
“It’s Matthew. You have every right to hang up on me, but I wanted to talk with you. I need to apologize.”
“It isn’t important.” A reserve crept into her words, now that she knew he was the caller.
“What could be more important than your feelings?” He waited while the seconds ticked by.
“Fine, apology accepted.”
“Wait, give me a chance to actually apologize. And there’s something I wanted to talk about with you—”
“Good night, Matthew.” There was a click and the line went dead.
It was worse than he’d thought. Hope was truly angry with him. You sure handled that just fine. Did he call her back and tell her what Harold had told him today?
The static on the line seemed to answer him, and he dropped the receiver into the cradle. The night, the shadows and the loneliness remained, and now he could add being a horse’s rear to the list.
Troubled, he paced through the house, locking the doors, checking the windows, turning out the lights, feeling empty inside. A verse came to him, quiet as the night. So if you are suffering according to God’s will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for He will never fail you.
The frustration and pain raging inside him eased, and he no longer felt alone in the dark night. Father, I’m struggling. Please show me the way.
Nanna looked old, older than Hope had ever seen her. Bright, fresh morning light teased at the window and tossed lemony rays across the foot of the old four-poster bed. Heart heavy, Hope lifted the breakfast tray laden with untouched food as Nanna curled on her side, pale with pain and still from the effects of the medication.
“She overdid it yesterday.” Kirby tried to reassure Hope in the kitchen, where she sat at the table bent over her paperwork. “Nora isn’t young anymore, and an injury like this is hard on a woman her age. Try not to worry so much. The new dose of painkiller seems to be working, so let’s hope she sleeps through the morning.”
