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That was her first panic attack.
And the beginning of the end.
Chapter 12 (#ulink_fa533577-ec94-5326-89b7-86399f75c4f0)
STELLA
Matt walked into the kitchen and held up Stella’s contraceptive pill sheet in his hand. ‘I think it’s time we threw these in the bin, my darling.’
She watched him in horror as he put his foot on the pedal bin and chucked them inside.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked, appalled and completely thrown by his actions. The subject of children had never been discussed by either of them. He’d made it clear that he didn’t care for them. He often commented on friends’ wives who had succumbed to the dreaded ‘mummy tummy.’
Years ago, Stella had assumed children were part of her distant future. She wanted what her parents had created at home for their family; aspired to give the same to children of her own one day.
But that was a long time ago. Now, she thanked the heavens that children were not part of the madness of life with Matt.
She had to find a way to leave him. But she also knew that if she had children that would never happen. She would be trapped forever. And what if he hit their child too? She felt her body shake in response to that thought.
‘You can’t do that!’ She found her voice, moving towards the bin. ‘It’s a big decision. We need to talk about it. Together.’
He walked towards her and put her face in his hands. ‘Oh my darling, don’t you see? This is the answer to all our problems. A baby will bring us closer together. I was having lunch with Adrian and a couple of the lads today. And all they were banging on about were children. Adrian told me that children had been the making of him.’
‘Just because your boss has kids doesn’t mean that we have to!’ Stella said.
‘Of course it doesn’t. But I see how he is with the other fathers at work. He’s bringing Padriac out to golf on Saturday morning and don’t tell me that’s nothing to do with the fact that they are both bonded over the night feeds! We just need to be careful that you don’t follow in Padriac’s wife’s footsteps. She gained four stone when she had those twins and she’s not lost a pound since.’ He shuddered as he said this. ‘But I’ll keep an eye on your diet. I’m sure we can do this, with minimal damage to your waistline.’
He picked up his iPad and started to Google healthy diets for pregnant women.
The abuse that Matt inflicted on her, mental and physical, that was all on him. But if she allowed a child to come into the equation, that was on her. Pure and simple. Stella knew for a long time that she could not perpetuate the ‘happily-ever-after’ myth. Her staying, on her own, was one thing. Just the thought of a baby made her survival instincts jump up and grab her by her throat.
‘Matt, I can’t just stop taking the pill. I need to go see a doctor first.’ She walked over and retrieved the package from the bin.
‘Why?’
‘Just to be safe. Let me make an appointment to discuss this. Make sure I’m healthy. That my body is ready to have a baby.’
He watched her for a moment. Then shook his head. ‘There’s no need to get doctors involved until you’re pregnant. It might take a few months for it to happen anyhow, but think of the fun we’ll have trying.’
When he touched Stella, when he ran his hand over her breasts and leaned in to kiss her, it took every inch of control not to shudder.
‘We’ll have beautiful babies. Two. A boy, then a girl. One year in between them.’ He said.
‘You have it all worked out.’
‘The perfect family,’ he replied.
And what happens if two girls come along, or two boys, Stella wanted to ask him. What then? Life isn’t perfect. There had been many times in her life that she wished for a do-over. How she wished she’d not fallen for him. A mere 386 days ago. Doesn’t sound like a long time, but it had become endless for her. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
The night she met him, she’d been at her lowest. Weeks of being at home again had unleashed ghosts of her past. She found no peace, no matter how much she tried to block out the memories that haunted her. Everywhere she turned she saw reminders of a happier time and it paralysed her with fear.
So when Matt walked over to her that night, his head cocked to one side, with a big smile on his face, charm personified, he disarmed her. He said, ‘Will you give me ten minutes?’
‘For what?’ Stella was puzzled.
‘To find a way to make you smile. You look so sad. That’s not right.’
She saw compassion and kindness in his eyes. And she needed someone to care about her. She found herself nodding to the chair beside her, and he ordered two drinks for them.
And soon, over that first gin and slimline tonic together, he made her smile, then laugh and eventually her ghosts disappeared for a while.
Ten minutes turned into hours and when he begged her not to leave Dublin the following day, to give him a chance, telling her that life was too precious, that it could be snatched from you at a moment’s notice, she found herself nodding in agreement.
So she stayed, and within weeks they were in love. This charming, sophisticated man, who only wanted to take care of her. Whether it was choosing what she should eat or surprising her with a beautiful new dress, quite unlike anything else she owned in her wardrobe, he just wanted to look after her every need. And at first it felt good. Okay, the dress he bought her was slightly too tight, a size too small. But with a few adjustments to her diet, he told her she’d fit into it, in weeks.
He painted a fairytale life for them, which she now knew was built on lies and half-truths, but sometimes people only see what they want to. Stella allowed herself to believe in the possibility of a happy-ever-after. She blossomed under his loving care.
She winced as Matt touched her side, bringing her back to her crushing reality. ‘Oh, my darling, that still hurts you?’
She nodded, tears stinging her eyes.
‘Rest up, my darling. When you are back to your full health, we’ll start trying for that little baby boy.’
That was her lifeline. ‘Matt. I want a baby too. But my body has to be back to full health.’ She lifted her top and let his eyes rest on her bruised abdomen.
He looked away. He hated to see reminders of his temper, physical evidence of a side to his nature that he preferred to pretend didn’t exist.
‘Just give me another month, then we’ll start trying,’ she said.
He nodded, retrieving her contraceptive pill sheet and giving it back to her. ‘You’re right. Of course you are. Everything will be alright. You’ll see.’ He kissed her lightly and then left.
She waited until she heard his car pull out of the drive. She ran upstairs and hid her pill in one of her rolled-up socks, in case he decided to take matters into his own hands again. She had averted trouble for now, but it was also only a temporary solution. There was no way she could bring a child into a world like this. A world of pain and fear and sadness. Stella looked out her bedroom window, out towards the horizon, where the blue sky touched the ocean in the distance.
Was she strong enough to leave him?
Yes. For the sake of her unborn child, yes.
She’d need some help. There was only one person she could think of. Matt had been thorough over the past twelve months, taking care to isolate Stella from everyone in her life. He’d made her doubt her own sanity and her own voice. As a child, she’d been the outspoken one at home and now the only opinion that mattered in their lives was his. How had she let this happen?
No matter what she did, how hard she tried to please him, she would always do something that made him angry. No combination of words or actions on her part could ever placate the monster that lay within him.
She pulled her mother’s cardigan out of her wardrobe once more and pulled it around her, falling to the ground. She rocked back and forth, crying with shame for the mess she’d gotten herself into.
Chapter 13 (#ulink_71748609-3cc6-5829-ba40-ef074558acea)
STELLA
‘You’d better come inside.’ Rea looked at Stella standing in her doorway, the poise and composure that was normally in place crumbling with gratitude. Her vulnerability made parts of Rea ache.
‘Thank you.’ Stella stepped inside and Rea closed the door behind them.
‘Oh, what a beautiful hallway,’ Stella remarked, as she looked around her. The hall floor had original flagstones in black and white, the walls were painted a pristine white and when she looked up to the high ceilings, the original architraving and cornicing was in pristine condition. ‘So many of the original features in our house next door have been tampered with over the years, it’s incredible to see yours intact. Just stunning.’
‘It’s nice to see it appreciated,’ Rea replied, genuinely flattered by her words. ‘I’ve lived in this house my whole life. As have two generations before me. So we’ve managed to keep it as it was when it was built. This house is a bit like an extra member of the Brady family.’
‘There’s a lovely feel in here. I can sense there was a lot of love in this house. What a beautiful home to grow up in.’
Stella thought about her own childhood home. There was a lot of love there too. Once upon another time, she had been lucky. She had known love. But she also knew that she’d never get the chance to go back and sit at her mother’s kitchen table again. That version of her childhood home was long since gone to her, with all in it.
‘Yes, I am lucky. I daresay I’ll be the last of the line to live here, though,’ Rea said.
‘That’s such a pity,’ Stella sympathised.
‘It’s life,’ Rea replied, gruffer than she intended to. She hated to think about this house being sold to a stranger. She knew what they’d do. They’d tear down walls, creating big open-plan spaces that had no business in a house like this. She liked her rooms defined. Why everyone felt the need to share everything these days she’d never understand. From social media to living spaces. All on display for the world to see. It was too much.
Stella ran her hand along the picture rail in the inner hallway, admiring the yellow wallpaper that hung above it.
Rea couldn’t wait to see her reaction to her front reception room. She proudly led her into the large, highceiling room. She opened the curtains quickly and the beautiful room was transformed as the light flooded in and brought it to life.
‘Oh Rea, how beautiful.’
Rea said, ‘My parents always brought their visitors into this, the “good” room. Whether it was the parish priest calling for tea or great aunts and uncles visiting from the country, they’d all be brought here.’
George and she had continued this tradition. As she always said, no matter the state of the rest of the house, if you had one good room, you were sorted for any surprise visitors.
‘Well, I’m honoured to be in your good room,’ Stella said, smiling, and then took a seat, perching on the edge of the sofa. This was partly because her back and thighs were still bruised and partly because she was so nervous. Coming here was a huge deal, but when she’d brought that package around the other day, there was something familiar about Mrs Brady, though they’d barely spoken two words to each other before. Stella couldn’t quite put her finger on it but she just knew instinctively her gruff neighbour was someone she could turn to and trust.
That didn’t stop her from having the feeling she was about to jump off a high precipice into the great unknown. The hidden dangers lurking in the dark made Stella shiver.
But she couldn’t stay on this cliff’s edge one more moment. She realised that if she didn’t find the courage to leave, if she didn’t find a way to do it, she might find herself pregnant and trapped forever. Or, worse still, her children would live their lives in constant danger. Matt’s mood swings came fast and frequent and he was losing control of his rage. The good part of Matt, the part that she fell in love with, no longer seemed to exist. Hyde had won.
When he had left for work this morning, she’d spent hours pacing her polished hardwood floors, planning, plotting. How she could leave was the hard bit. He had worked hard over the past year to cut her off from everything. She had no family and no money of her own, aside from their joint account. While running out the door sounded like a very fine plan, she would need a few things in place first of all.
When she had woken up this morning, she was alone. A note from Matt told her that he’d already left for the office. She’d showered and dressed slowly, taking her coffee out to the garden. She watched the trees from next door that had grown like weeds over the past couple of weeks tumble over their side of the wall. Matt was furious about the state of Mrs Brady’s garden, often ranting about it the odd time he ventured out back.
‘Lazy old bat, she should be ashamed of herself. It’s bringing down the price of houses on this road,’ he spat.
‘We don’t know her situation; maybe she isn’t able to garden any more. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors?’ Stella replied.
Matt looked at her quickly, to see if she was having a dig, so Stella smiled at him sweetly, thinking, ‘to hell with you, you judgemental bastard’. He might control her every move, but he would never control her thoughts.
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