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Ellie stood beside the phone, arms tightly crossed, trying to hold herself together, determined she wouldn’t allow her disappointment to spill over into tears. She’d shed enough tears over Joe Madden to last two lifetimes.
It had taken considerable courage to ring him. She was proud she’d made the first move. But what had she expected? Warmth and delight from Joe?
What a fool she could be.
If Joe came to Karinya, it would be to sign the papers and nothing more. He would be businesslike and distant with her and with Jacko. How on earth had she once fallen for such a cold man?
Blinking and swiping at her eyes, Ellie walked softly through the house to the door to Jacko’s room. Her little boy slept with a night light—an orange turtle with a purple and green spotted bow tie—and in the light’s glow she could see the golden sheen of his hair, the soft downy curve of his baby-plump cheek.
He looked small and vulnerable when he was asleep, but in the daytime he was a ball of energy, usually good-natured and sunny, and gleefully eager to embrace life—the life he’d been granted so miraculously.
Ellie knew Joe would melt when he saw him. Surely?
Perhaps Joe sensed this possibility. Perhaps he was afraid?
Actually, that was probably close to the truth. The Joe Madden she remembered would rather face a dangerous enemy intent on death and destruction than deal with his deepest emotions.
Ellie sighed. This next phase of her life wasn’t going to be easy, but she was determined to be strong while she and Joe sorted out the ground rules for their future. The impending divorce had been hanging over them for years like an axe waiting to fall. Now, she just wanted it to be over. Finalised.
But she planned to handle the arrangements with dignity and good sense, and she aimed to be mature and evolved in all her dealings with Joe.
It probably helped that they were more or less strangers now.
* * *
This was a bad idea. Crazy.
The more Joe paced in his motel room, the more he was sure that going back to the homestead was a risk he didn’t want to take. Of course he was curious to see his son, but he’d always anticipated that his final meeting with Ellie would be in a lawyer’s office. Somewhere neutral, without memories attached.
Going back to Karinya was bound to be painful, for a thousand different reasons.
He had to remember all the sane and sensible reasons why he’d suggested the divorce, beginning with the guilty knowledge that he’d more or less trapped Ellie into marriage in the first place.
The unexpected pregnancy, their hasty marriage followed by a miscarriage and a host of fertility issues.
Now, since Jacko’s arrival, the goalposts had shifted, but Joe had no illusions about a reconciliation with Ellie. After four years in the Army, he was a hardened realist and he’d seen too much injury and death to believe in second chances.
Of course, today hadn’t been the only time Joe had landed back in Australia to find himself the sole father in his unit with no family to greet him. He was used to seeing his mates going home with their wives and kids, knowing they were sharing meals and laughter, knowing they were making love to their wives, while he paced in an empty motel room.
Until today, his return visits had always been temporary, a short spot of leave before he was back in action. This time, it was unsettling to know he wouldn’t be going back to war. His four years of service were over.
Yeah, of course he was lucky to still be alive and uninjured. And yet, tonight, after one phone conversation with Ellie, Joe didn’t want to put a name to how he felt, but it certainly wasn’t any version of lucky.
Of course, if he hadn’t been so hung up on leaving a widow’s pension for her, they would have been divorced years ago when they’d first recognised that their marriage was unsalvageable. They could have made a clean break then, and by now he would have well and truly adjusted to his single status.
Almost certainly, there wouldn’t have been a cute complication named Jackson Joseph Madden.
Jacko.
Joe let out his breath on a sigh, remembering his excitement on the day the news of his son’s birth came through. It had been such a miracle! He’d even broken his habitual silence about his personal life and had made an announcement in the mess. There’d been cheering and table-thumping and back slaps, and he’d passed his phone around with the photos that Ellie had sent of a tiny red-faced baby boy wrapped in a blue and white blanket.
He’d almost felt like a regular proud and happy new father.
Later, on leave, when his mates quizzed him about Ellie and Jacko, he was able to use the vast distance between the Holsworthy Base and their Far North Queensland cattle station as a valid excuse for his family’s absence.
Now that excuse no longer held.
He and Ellie had to meet and sign the blasted papers. He supposed it made sense to travel up to Karinya straight away.
It wouldn’t be a picnic, though, seeing Ellie again and looking around the property they’d planned to run together, not to mention going through another meeting with the son he would not help Ellie to raise.
And, afterwards, Joe would be expected to go home to his family’s cattle property in Central Queensland, where his mother would smother him with sympathy and ply him with questions about the boy.
As an added hurdle, Christmas was looming just around the corner, bringing with it a host of emotional trapdoors.
Surely coming home should be easier than this?
CHAPTER TWO
WHEN ELLIE’S PHONE rang early next morning, Jacko was refusing to eat his porridge and he was banging his spoon on his high chair’s tray, demanding. ‘Eggie,’ at the top of his voice.
For weeks now, Nina, the nanny, had supervised Jacko’s breakfast while Ellie was out at the crack of dawn, delivering supplements to the cattle and checking on the newborn calves and their mothers.
Now Nina was in Cairns with her family for Christmas and as the phone trilled, Ellie shot a despairing glance to the rooster-shaped kitchen wall clock. No one she knew would call at this early hour.
Jacko shrieked again for his boiled egg.
Ellie was already in a bad mood when she answered. ‘Hello? This is Karinya.’
‘Good morning.’ It was Joe, sounding gruff and businesslike. Very military.
‘Good morning, Joe.’ Behind Ellie, Jacko wailed, ‘Eggie,’ more loudly than ever.
‘Would Friday suit?’
She frowned. Did Joe have to be so clipped and cryptic? ‘To come here?’
‘Yes.’
Friday was only the day after tomorrow. It wasn’t much warning. Ellie’s heart began an unhelpful drumming, followed by a flash of heat, as if her body had a mind of its own, as if it was remembering, without her permission, the fireworks Joe used to rouse in her. His kisses, his touch, the sparks a single look from him could light.
In the early days of their marriage, they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other. Back in the heady days before everything went wrong, before their relationship exploded into a thousand painful pieces.
‘I could catch a flight that arrives in Townsville around eight a.m.,’ Joe said. ‘If I hire a car, I could probably get to Karinya around mid-afternoon.’
‘Eggie!’ Jacko bawled in a fully-fledged bellow.
‘Is that the kid crying?’
His name’s Jacko, Ellie wanted to remind Joe. Why did he have to call him ‘the kid’?
Holding the receiver to one ear, she filled a cup with juice and handed it to Jacko, hoping it would calm him. ‘He’s waiting for his breakfast.’
Jacko accepted the juice somewhat disconsolately, and at last the room was blessedly silent.
‘So how about Friday?’ Joe asked again.
At the thought of seeing him in less than forty-eight hours, Ellie took a deep, very necessary breath. ‘Friday will be fine.’
It would have to be fine. They had to do this. They had to get it over and behind them. Only then could they both finally move on.
* * *
Joe was an hour away from Karinya when he noticed the gathering clouds. The journey had taken him west from Townsville to Charters Towers and then north through Queensland’s more remote cattle country. It was an unhappily nostalgic drive, over familiar long, straight roads and sweeping open country, broken by occasional rocky ridges or the sandy dip of a dry creek bed.
The red earth and pale, drought-bleached grass were dotted with cattle and clumps of acacia and ironbark trees. It was a landscape Joe knew as well as his own reflection, but he’d rarely allowed himself to think about it since he’d left Queensland five and a half years ago.
Now, he worked hard to block out the memories of his life here with Ellie. And yet every signpost and landmark seemed to trigger an unstoppable flow.
He was reliving the day he and Ellie had first travelled up here, driving up from Ridgelands in his old battered ute. No one else in either of their families had ventured this far north, and the journey had felt like an adventure, as if they were pioneers pushing into new frontiers.
He remembered their first sight of Karinya—coming over a rise and seeing the simple iron-roofed homestead set in the middle of grassy plains. On the day they’d signed up for the long-term lease they’d been buzzing with excitement.
On the day their furniture arrived, Ellie had raced around like an enthusiastic kid. She’d wanted to help shift the furniture, but of course Joe wouldn’t let her. She was pregnant, after all. So she’d unpacked boxes and filled cupboards. She’d made up their bed and she’d scrubbed the bathroom and the kitchen, even though they’d been perfectly clean.
She’d baked a roast dinner, which was a bit burnt, but they’d laughed about it and picked off the black bits. And Ellie had been incredibly happy, as if their simple house in the middle of hundreds of empty acres represented a long and cherished dream that had finally come true.
When they made love on that first night it was as if being in their new bed, in their new home, had brought them a new level of connection and closeness they hadn’t dreamed was possible.
Afterwards they’d lain close and together they’d watched the stars outside through the as yet uncurtained bedroom window.
Joe had seen a shooting star. ‘Look!’ he’d said, sitting up quickly. ‘Did you see it?’
‘Yes!’ Ellie’s eyes were shining.
‘We should make a wish,’ he said and, almost without thinking, he wished that they could always be as happy as they were on this night.
Ellie, however, was frowning. ‘Have you made your wish?’ she asked.
‘Yes.’ He smiled at her. ‘What about you?’
‘No, I haven’t. I...I don’t know if I want to.’ She sounded perplexingly frightened. ‘I...I don’t really like making wishes. It’s too much like tempting fate.’
Surprised, Joe laughed at her fears. He ran a gentle hand down her arm and lightly touched her stomach, where their tiny baby lay.
‘Do you think I should make a wish?’ Ellie’s expression was serious now.
‘Sure.’ Joe was on top of the world that night. ‘What harm can it do?’
She smiled and nestled into his embrace. ‘OK. I wish for a boy. A cute little version of you.’
Three weeks later, Ellie had a miscarriage.
Remembering, Joe let out an involuntary sigh. Enough.
Don’t go there.
He forced his attention back to the country stretching away to the horizon on either side of the road. Having grown up on a cattle property, he was able to assess the condition of the cattle he passed and the scant remaining fodder. There was no question that the country needed rain.
Everywhere, he saw signs of drought and stress. Although Ellie would have employed contract fencers and ringers for mustering, she must have worked like a demon to keep up with the demands of the prolonged drought.
He found himself questioning, as he had many times, why she’d been so stubbornly determined to stay out here. Alone.
He stopped for bad coffee and a greasy hamburger in a tiny isolated Outback servo, and it was only when he came outside again that he saw the dark clouds gathering on the northern horizon. Too often in December, clouds like these merely taunted graziers without bringing rain, but, as he drove on, drawing closer to Karinya, the clouds closed in.
Within thirty minutes the clouds covered the entire spread of the sky, hovering low to the earth like a cotton wool dressing pressed down over a wound.
As Joe turned off the main road and rattled over the cattle grid onto the track that led to the homestead, the first heavy drops began to fall, splattering the hire vehicle’s dusty windscreen. By the time he reached the house the rain was pelting down.
To his faint surprise, Ellie was on the front veranda, waiting for him. She was wearing an Akubra hat and a Drizabone coat over jeans but, despite the masculine gear, she looked as slim and girlish as ever.
She had another coat over her arm and she hurried down the front steps, holding it out to him. Peering through the heavy curtain of rain, Joe saw unmistakable worry in her dark brown eyes.
‘Here,’ she yelled, raising her voice above the thundering noise on the homestead’s iron roof, and as soon as he opened the driver’s door, she shoved the coat through the chink.
A moment later, he was out of the vehicle, with the coat over his head, and the two of them were dashing through the rain and up the steps.
‘This is incredible, isn’t it?’ Ellie gasped as they reached the veranda. ‘Such lousy timing.’ She turned to Joe. Beneath the dripping brim of her hat, her dark eyes were wide with concern.
He wondered if he was the cause.
‘Have you heard the weather report?’ she asked.
He shook his head. ‘Not a word. I haven’t had the radio on. Why? What’s happening?’
‘A cyclone. Cyclone Peta. It started up in the Gulf yesterday afternoon, and crossed the coast mid-morning. It’s dumping masses of rain further north.’
‘I guess that’s good news.’
‘Well, yes, it is. We certainly need the rain.’ She frowned. ‘But I have a paddock full of cattle down by the river.’
‘The Hopkins paddock,’ Joe said, remembering the section of their land that had flooded nearly every wet season.
Ellie nodded.
‘We need to get them out of there,’ he said.
‘I know.’ Her soft pink mouth twisted into an apologetic wincing smile. ‘Joe, I hate to do this to you when you’ve just arrived, but you know how quickly these rivers can rise. I’d like to shift the cattle this afternoon. Now, actually.’
