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• irregular heartbeat and breathing in tiny babies
• inability to regulate temperature in tiny babies
• adults woken from this sleep may be disorientated
NREM Sleep
• more peaceful sleep
• 50% of all sleep at birth
• 80% of all sleep for adults
• no dreaming
• slow and regular heartbeat and breathing
• harder to wake from
• occurs mostly in the early part of the night for adults
• the immune system is boosted
• physical growth occurs
If you watch your child sleeping, you may notice that there are times when, eyes closed, he seems to be watching some particularly frenetic cartoon. Beneath his eyelids his eyes may flick from side to side and he may frown or smile and wiggle his fingers and toes. If your baby could watch you he’d see the same thing happening from time to time, though not so often. This is REM sleep, which stands for Rapid Eye Movement. This sleep state is also called active sleep. Adults and older children dream during REM sleep but it’s difficult getting a straight answer out of a baby, so there is no way of knowing whether babies do or not.
New-born babies spend about half their sleep time in REM sleep, and babies born before 30 weeks’ gestation initially spend a massive 90% of their sleep time in REM sleep; whereas for you and I, REM sleep only accounts for 20% of our sleep. The point about this is that most of the arousals your baby makes from sleep are from REM sleep. Which explains why premature babies wake more often than term babies and all babies wake more often than adults. However, don’t lose heart if your baby was born prematurely because premature babies are often better than term babies at soothing themselves back to sleep.
As they get older, babies have less REM sleep and therefore wake less often.
When he’s not in REM sleep your baby will, perhaps obviously, be in non-REM sleep or NREM sleep. This sleep state is also called deep sleep or quiet sleep. NREM sleep can be divided into four stages. Stages 1 and 2 are lighter, and stages 3 and 4 deeper and harder to wake from. You are more likely to wake up during stage 2 sleep than in any other part of NREM sleep. In NREM sleep things are more peaceful – no eye movements, with slower, more regular heartbeat and breathing. There is a theory that NREM sleep is the time when bodily processes are restored, when the immune system gets boosted and physical growth can occur.
Sleep Gates/Windows
• Just as active (REM) sleep is followed by quiet (NREM) sleep, so we have active and drowsy periods during the day as well.
• Look out for signs that your baby is tired and put him down to sleep then – it will be easier for him to fall asleep at this time.
• Start to get him ready for sleep when he is still in an active phase so that he can enjoy his bath and be dried and dressed just in time to feel drowsy.
• If you miss one drowsy period you may have to wait an hour or so for another, as the whole cycle takes about this long to complete.
Cycling Through Sleep
NREM and REM sleep alternate through the night in both adults and babies. Babies cycle between the different types of sleep faster than adults. At birth it takes your baby about 50–60 minutes to complete a cycle, whereas it takes you about 90–100 minutes. The reason that this matters is that as you come out of REM sleep, ready to drop back down into NREM sleep, you arouse briefly. Your baby does the same. These brief arousals may or may not become complete awakenings depending on what you or your baby make of being awake alone.
Naturally, as your baby moves through the REM/NREM sleep cycle once every 50–60 minutes there’s a chance that he could wake you every 50–60 minutes. What’s more, these arousals happen with greater frequency towards dawn (Carskadon and Dement, 1989), just when you are having most of your REM sleep, the sort that helps you cope mentally with the day.
REM Sleep
• Pessimistic?
• Lacking in energy?
• Upset over trivialities?
• Can’t see the wood for the trees?
Maybe you’re not getting enough REM sleep. When you have a baby you may need more REM sleep than usual to help your brain ‘organize’ your thoughts and feelings, and file away yesterday’s business.
People who are deprived of REM sleep for a long time become depressed and disorganized. They are unable to focus on what is important because they haven’t been able to deal with the debris of the previous day before they start the next. Try to arrange things so that you can get a block of REM sleep at least every other night – you’ll feel more energetic, optimistic and self-confident the next day. Try the following:
• Go to bed earlier than usual, so that you get to your REM sleep before your baby gets to you.
• Ask your partner to be responsible for the early morning shift from 4am onwards – at least once in a while.
• If you’re breastfeeding ask your partner to listen out for the baby and to bring him to you in the early hours.
Researchers have found that when adults are woken while in light sleep it makes little or no difference to their day; when woken from deep sleep they tend to be a little tired; but when woken from dream sleep they find it extremely difficult to cope with their tasks the next day (Ferber, 1985, and Rotenberg, 1992).
Babies cope with frequent night-time wakings better than their parents because they set the pace.
2 But What do You Want? (#ulink_ce3dfb45-8382-5ade-bfd3-0e5035d6c5d8)
‘If you have a baby who sleeps, you are considered lucky, but if you have a baby who doesn’t, you are considered to be doing something wrong.’
Harriet and Will, parents of Emily, ten-and-a-half months
‘You can think that you’ve cracked it and that you know yourself and then you find that you haven’t and you don’t.’
Buff, mother of four, who has an ‘appalling’ sleeper after two ‘good’ ones
It doesn’t matter which of the suggestions you take away from this book. The important element in whatever you choose is that you have chosen it and made it fit with your way of parenting. Solutions need to fit relationships. There are no universal panaceas.
What matters to your baby is that you have confidence in yourself and in him. But in the beginning, and especially with the first baby, many parents find it hard to decide how they want things to be, and what will work for their baby. Sometimes it can be hard just finding out who you are, now that you’re a parent. Be patient with yourself – it will come. Confidence emerges when you know your baby and yourself well and are able to be loving and predictable. Most new parents find that when they relax and just do what comes naturally they become predictable. Loving, predictable and relaxed – it’s a confident combination.
That Certain Something
Some people know how they want to handle their baby’s sleep from the beginning. Melissa, mother of Jessie, read a book and was convinced:
‘About three weeks before Jessie was born I read a book called The Continuum Concept which convinced me that the best way to sleep was together. It’s been no problem at all since she was born. Sometimes Jessie’s a bit restless and John has to lie on his front to protect his sensitive parts, but putting her in another room just seemed such hard work. After a couple of weeks she never really woke at night, she just goes around looking for milk. She sleeps through to eight or nine and sleeps really deeply. We have a 5ft 3in bed which is a great family bed. We built a big sleeping platform with rails at one side and the wall at the other. Possibly we are more relaxed because we don’t have to think “Shall we let her cry?” I think our relationship (John’s and mine) was improved because we both slept well.’
Jane, mother of Thomas, Esther and Isaac knows what works for her:
‘It was important for us to have an evening so we wanted the baby upstairs on his own, in his own space. Simon felt very stressed having the baby around him and I was very worried that I’d spoil the baby by not having a routine. I was happy for a little baby to lead me, but there came a time when I needed some time and I needed to instil some routine. So, from ten weeks once he had his bath in the evening, he didn’t come downstairs. It was bath, feed, bed. It felt like we were back to normal.’
Others know that they want to make a decision with their baby:
‘My itinerary is totally unaffected by Alistair’s need to sleep. He sleeps anywhere and everywhere as soon as he’s tired, and at night he sleeps with me in my bed. Even strongly disapproving grandparents have to admit that he is a charming, pleasant, well mannered and very independent little boy. Child-led parenting isn’t a panacea, but it works well for a significant number of families. Too often “experts” seem to be trying to persuade us that our babies are tyrants needing strict regimes and hard-hearted discipline.’
Monica
What all these families have in common is a sense of certainty. The parents believe in what they are doing, and in their baby’s ability to fit in with it. It seems that babies who feel a sense of their parents’ certainty sleep well.
Every time a new baby is born he brings with him an infinite range of possible relationships. For both of you it is a time of enormous change, and some of the changes may seem awkward and not ‘you’. But by listening to your baby as well as to your inner voice, it is possible to smooth out most conflicts and to become confident of your ability to deal with any problems.
Listening to Your Baby
Take some time to get to know your baby and yourself. Do whatever feels right – gaze into your baby’s eyes, massage his tiny body (more about this in Chapter 8), sing songs, tickle, talk about life, the washing up and the cat, but especially listen and respond to what your baby has to say. Once you and your baby know each other well he can feel how much you love him, and he will be quicker to respond to you. And you can relax, because you know that, whatever happens, he can cope and that you will be there to support him while he does.
‘I really don’t think I was in tune with Laura as a baby. I don’t remember knowing when she wanted feeding, when she wanted sleep. I think I relied on mum more for interpreting her cries. It got worse as I got more fatigued. I had a honeymoon period between three and five months, but then I got postnatal depression.’
Sally, mother of Laura and Annie
Listening to Yourself
If you feel ambivalent about your baby’s sleeping patterns it may be because you haven’t acknowledged what your own needs are.
‘It would be funny if I wasn’t so tired. The other day I was watching him through closed eyes so he couldn’t see that I was awake. He was sitting in bed in between us and just playing and then he looked around and realized that we were both asleep, or so he thought, and he reached over and hit Mike on the back. Mike turned over and mumbled something to him and then fell back asleep. So, Jonathan turned towards me and whacked me until I “woke up”. I thought “Who’s running the show here?” I don’t know. I’d like to have our bed back but Jonathan really seems to need to be with us.’
Sarah, mother of Jonathan, aged seven months
Sometimes practical problems cloud the issue further:
‘I tried to put her in her cot but she didn’t sleep for long. I just didn’t leave her for long. I couldn’t get a routine because I had the other children, and sometimes I was doing different things. She ended up being in our bed and I think I wanted her there. I kept giving her targets. I said: “By the time I get to six weeks she’ll be on her own.” So I felt under pressure a lot of the time. I felt I was letting Pete down. He’s not pushy at all, but every so often he jokes about it.’
Kim, mother of Camlo, five, Evie, two, and Eden, nine months
And sometimes the way we live our lives stops us doing what we want even when we are sure what is for the best.
‘When Bernard was seven weeks old my step-daughter came to live with us. As we only have two bedrooms and our lodger had the second, my step-daughter slept in the sitting-room. This meant I couldn’t bring Bernard downstairs if he woke up. So, because my partner works long hours I would put him to me immediately so he didn’t disturb my partner’s rest. Now our lodger has moved out, my step-daughter is in the second bedroom and I can again use the sitting room at night.’
Clare
You and Your Baby’s Needs
Part of the job of becoming a family is to discover what you all need. Some parents meet their own needs vicariously by letting their baby’s needs come first. This is how Pauline and leremy, parents of Hannah, Joshua and Martha, like things,
‘Martha has three or four stories and then one of us sits beside her bed until she is asleep, or outside her room, depending on her wishes.’
And Caroline, mother of four, says:
‘I didn’t have my children to ignore them. The health visitor just didn’t understand that. She kept saying “What about you, what about you?” Well, I’m sorry, but my children come first.’
Other mothers recognize that they need to meet their own needs first. Ruth, mother of less, four, and Alice, two, knew she needed her sleep:
‘I knew I had to work so they had to sleep. My going to work is not negotiable and I cannot function if I haven’t slept. Both of my children have slept through the night from four to six weeks. From very early on I’ve put them down awake – from five, six, seven weeks. You could always rely on feeding them to sleep, but I decided I wasn’t going to do that any more. I take them upstairs and I’m down in 15 seconds. A kiss and in the cot. I don’t believe that any child needs to be fed and comforted every hour-and-a-half, and I’d be very unaccepting of a child like that. I believe there’s a range of needs, but I don’t believe that a baby has needs in the middle of the night. I think the lack of ambiguity is crucial – if they feel that they can stay awake then they will.’
If you know you can’t manage on five hours interrupted sleep a night, and want to do something about it, you shouldn’t feel guilty. On the other hand, if your own needs are met by being available for your baby through the night then there is no reason that you should feel that those who choose a different method are doing a better job.
Certainly your baby needs to feel secure before he can sleep. But his security comes in part from your loving, relaxed predictability – not just from your presence. You don’t have to be there when he goes to sleep and you don’t have to leave him either.
What is essential is that you communicate your needs clearly, negotiate ground rules and stick to them. Don’t try to be nice or to please. If you have to grin and bear it, something’s wrong.
Discovering Boundaries
In the early days many mothers find that they love the enveloping closeness of their relationship with their baby.
‘When I fed Rachel and she sucked and slept a little and then sucked some more I didn’t ever want it to end I just felt so complete – like we were still a part of each other and that Rob was some protective giant.’
Kate
For others, unclear boundaries are more difficult.
‘The first months with Bryana were shattering and confusing. I’d waited so long to have her, but somehow it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t connect with what I felt I should be feeling as a mother. All the time I was sitting and “calmly” feeding in my mind I was frantically thinking how to be off doing something else.’
Rose
After the first few weeks or months many mothers feel ready to put a little more space between themselves and their baby and many fathers are equally ready to develop an increasing sense of their place in the relationship. Many babies move from sleeping in their parents’ room to sleeping alone at this time. Yet sometimes, and especially when you haven’t found becoming a parent a smooth ride, it’s hard to find comfortable new boundaries between you, your partner and your baby. Sometimes it can feel almost impossible either to put your baby in his cot and leave him to sleep or to have him in your bed without feeling guilty.
Saying goodnight to your baby can stir up ambivalent and powerful feelings, which may be difficult to face.
Sleep Problems May Occur When…
• You feel anxious
• You feel isolated
• You have postnatal depression
• You hadn’t planned this baby
• You don’t love this baby
• You feel as though you are abandoning your baby
• You haven’t been able to grieve for a loss, maybe even a loss that is unconnected to the baby
• Your baby seems to need you to be there
• You have marital problems, or there is a lot of tension in your home
• Something from your childhood still bothers you
• You have been sexually abused
• You work outside the house during the day and feel that your baby is missing some important closeness which makes night-time separations harder to bear
