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‘Did we … did we argue, do you know? Me and Gareth?’ I pick at the skin around my nails as I ask, not wanting to make eye contact with Liz, as I feel as though I’m confessing to being absolutely hammered last night. You’re a disgrace. The words float through my mind, spoken by someone else, an unseen, unknown someone, and I feel a hot flush of shame. ‘I know he must have left without me, but I just wondered if we’d had a disagreement about things and that’s why he left.’ I raise my eyes to look at her, as she sips from her travel mug again, gripping it tightly in her hands as if afraid I might snatch it away.
‘No, not that I’m aware of,’ Liz says briskly, but her eyes slide away from mine, and I get the feeling that maybe she’s not telling me something. ‘He’s probably at home wondering where you are.’
‘Oh God, probably. I need to go. Thank you for … everything.’ The urge to leave overwhelms me and I push back the chair roughly, slipping my sandals back onto my feet, the straps rubbing across the top of my foot. Startled, Liz gets to her feet but I hurry out of the front door before she can speak again, calling out a goodbye to Neil, and step out into the cold January air. Frost glitters on the front path, and I carefully make my way across the square to my own house, where I can make out the glow of the Christmas tree lights through the front window, calling me home. Home, to Gareth. Hoping that he can shed some light on what happened last night – why I can’t remember anything … and why my body feels as though something, or someone has broken into the very core of my being.
2 (#ulink_fec633b7-4e51-5fd5-831b-221f795036bd)
As I walk up my own front path, the chill morning air making my exposed toes shriek with the cold, I realize that I don’t have a door key. My heart sinks at the thought of having to ring the bell and not only face Gareth’s wrath at not coming home, but also waking him up. Gently I press down on the door handle, sighing with relief when it gives under the pressure. I slide in through the door, closing it on a whisper behind me. Maybe if I can make it into the front room without being seen and get my shoes off, Gareth will just think I spent the night on the couch. I’m not sure why I feel like this is the best course of action, maybe because after everything that has happened between us over the past few months I doubt if he’s likely to believe that I spent the night at Liz’s, alone. I desperately want to avoid us having another row – I don’t want to start the New Year with us fighting. And I don’t know right now if he’ll believe me when I tell him that I don’t know what happened last night.
I blink back the hot tears that sting my eyes and pull off my shoes, before I push open the door to the living room. As I step into the room, Gareth stands from where he has obviously been sitting on the couch, waiting for me. He looks tired, the skin around his eyes grey and wrinkled, worry pulling at the corners of his mouth. He still wears the shirt and jeans that he pulled on to wear to the party.
‘You decided to come home then.’ His voice is flat, his eyes cold. ‘That’s good of you.’
‘Please, Gareth,’ I force the words out, too tired and feeling far too fragile to be able to argue with him right now, not when I can barely stand up straight. ‘Can we talk about this later?’
‘Later? Are you kidding me?’ As the level of his voice rises, so does the pounding at my temples, and once again I have to fight the urge to be sick. ‘Rachel, you don’t get to stay out all night, especially after what you’ve done, and then tell me we’ll talk about it later.’ He snorts in disgust. ‘Look at the state of you, you’re a disgrace.’ His words sting, just as they are supposed to, and I close my eyes against the nausea that the words induce.
‘Look, I didn’t stay out on purpose, OK?’ I rest a hand on the back of the couch, to steady myself, the heightened emotion making me feel dizzy. ‘I was at Liz’s, I swear. I … I stayed in the spare room. Please, Gareth, I don’t want to argue.’
‘Oh right, that’s OK then, isn’t it?’ He steps towards me, a flash of anger in his eyes, and I feel ever so slightly afraid of him at that point, afraid that he’s so angry he’ll go one step further than just shouting at me. When he speaks again, his voice is low, the words catching in his throat, and it’s as if all the rage has suddenly drained out of him. ‘I’m not an idiot, Rachel.’
‘You can ask her!’ I take a step backwards, stumbling slightly as I pull my hand away from the couch, dizziness making me lose my footing. I close my eyes briefly, wanting the world to stop for just a second. ‘I swear to you, Gareth, I stayed at Liz’s. On my own.’ I push away the thought of the soreness in my thighs, the bruise on my upper arms, the layer of fear that sits just under my skin, jangling my nerves and making me afraid to remember.
‘You said you were going to stay for one more drink, Rachel. That was just after midnight, and now you’re only just getting home, ten hours later.’ Gareth raises his eyes to mine and I am shocked to see they are bloodshot and raw, as though he’s been crying. ‘What the hell am I supposed to think? My wife stays out all night, with no explanation, and I’m supposed to just be OK with it?’ Before I can answer he speaks again, his voice hard once more, the flinty edges of his words scraping at my nerves. ‘I saw Ted there, Rachel. Don’t take me for a fool.’
‘Ted?’ Confused, I try to think, did I see Ted? Was Ted there? Nothing, I can’t remember anything, just that gaping black void and a sense of vulnerability. ‘What does Ted have to do with things, Gareth? I told you, anything between Ted and me is over, it’s been over for weeks.’ He huffs out a noise that sounds like laughter, but isn’t, cut with a sharp, bitter edge, before pushing past me towards the kitchen. Angry, confused, and desperate to clear this up so I can just go and lie down and try to get things straight in my head, I follow him as he stalks over to the work surface and snatches up his phone.
‘Gareth, please. Why would I lie to you? I told you it was over with Ted, we agreed that we’d try and make this work, so why would I jeopardize it? I chose you, Gareth.’ I want to reach out to him, but he bristles with animosity, so instead I tug my sleeves down over my hands. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t come home, I slept in the spare room at Liz and Neil’s house, I swear.’
‘Then why didn’t you answer your phone?’ Gareth throws his phone across the kitchen table at me and I fumble to make the catch, almost dropping it. Swiping across the screen I see the unanswered calls and text messages that he’s sent to my phone over the course of the previous evening.
‘I …’ I lay his phone down and run my hands over my hips, even though I know the cheap, tacky leggings don’t have any pockets, and my phone isn’t in there. It hasn’t even crossed my mind to think about my phone, so intent was I on getting home to Gareth. ‘I don’t have my phone; I don’t know where it is. I must have lost it.’ I picture the room I woke up in, Liz’s spare room, but I don’t recall seeing my phone anywhere – definitely not in the jumble of my clothes that I found on the bedroom floor.
‘You had it last night. I asked you, before I left, if you had your phone and you waved it at me. So, if you had it then, where is it now?’ He folds his arms across his chest and waits for me to answer.
‘I told you, I don’t know. I must have dropped it somewhere at the party. I’ll call Liz and ask her if she’s seen it.’ I move towards the landline phone that hangs on the kitchen wall, before I remember that I don’t know Liz’s number, not off by heart. It’s stored in my mobile, like everybody else’s.
‘Leave it, Rachel. I don’t want to hear any more, OK?’ Gareth sighs, and scrubs his hands over his face, wearily. ‘You can tell me whatever you like, stories about staying at Liz’s or whatever, but I don’t want to hear it. Not now. Did you even stop to think about Robbie? About what he might think about you staying out all night?’
‘Where is he?’ Guilt creeps over me in a hot wash, as I realize that Robbie, my boy, the one thing that has kept me going through all of this with Gareth and Ted, will know that I didn’t come home last night. My cheeks burn with shame. ‘Is he home?’ I don’t want him to hear us arguing – he might be eighteen, but he’s had to listen to us rowing for long enough, no matter how hard I’ve tried to protect him from it. When Gareth and I agreed to make this work between us, I swore to Robbie that the rows were over.
‘No, he’s not home. He stayed at Sean’s last night, if you remember.’ Gareth turns away and busies himself by putting the kettle on and I realize this is also eating away at him. Not only did I not come home, but also Robbie stayed at Sean’s last night – at Ted’s, if you want to get technical about it.
‘Sean’s been his best friend since primary school, Gareth, you can’t begrudge him spending time with him just because of what happened.’
‘Oh, you mean when you decided your best course of action was a rampant affair with Sean’s father, you mean?’ Gareth slams a mug down on the counter and whirls round to face me, a deep red flush burning its way up his neck. ‘Just fuck off, Rachel. You can’t tell me how to feel, or how to act when you prance around doing whatever you want, not caring if you make me look stupid, not giving a damn if people think you’re a whore.’ On that last, spiteful word, one that scorches and burns, he slams his hand down on the table and I flinch.
‘I can’t talk to you right now,’ I whisper, my whole body aching as though I have the flu, my head thumping and the fear and disgust that I first felt upon waking beginning to flood through my veins again. I don’t wait to hear if he answers, just run from the room and upstairs to the bathroom, where I lock myself in and let the tears come.
Hot water thunders into the bathtub, and I move slowly and cautiously, aware of the muscles that twinge and pull with every movement I make as I pour in my own blend of aromatherapy oils and reach for a clean towel. I pull the leggings from my body, peeling them away from my skin, leaving my exposed legs feeling clammy and sweaty, before throwing them towards the laundry basket that sits next to the shower. They miss, landing in a heap on the bathroom floor, looking much the same as they did screwed up on the bedroom floor at Liz’s. Sighing, I bend to pick them up, the sudden movement jarring my head and making bile rise in the back of my throat. Shoving the leggings deep down into the basket I have to move quickly to reach the toilet, before the vomit that has been threatening all morning rises up, quickly, urgently, scorching the back of my throat as I throw up the glass of water and anything else that was in my stomach, until finally, I crawl into the bathtub, exhausted and weeping.
I know that something happened last night at Liz’s party … I rotate my arm, brushing away the bubbles that cling to it, in order to inspect the bruise on my bicep. It’s a deep, angry purple colour, sore and tender, clearly the result of someone holding me far too tightly, but who? And what did I do? Did I upset someone? No. I shake my head; despite the way it seems to make my brain roll around inside my skull. My fingers slide into the warm water, smoothing over the skin on my inner thighs. I clear a hole in the bubbles, raising my leg up and out of the water, flinching at the chill air that hits my skin. Peering closely, I can see now that there is more bruising to the inside of my thigh, round greenish-purple dabs, almost like fingerprints, that hurt when I press lightly on them. Jesus.
Sliding my legs back into the water, hiding the bruises from sight, I lay my head back against the cold enamel of the bath, hot tears stinging my eyes. Think, Rachel, you have to remember. Taking a deep breath, I sniff away the tears and try to pull myself together. The only way to deal with this is to try and remember what happened yesterday – then I can decide how best to move forward. Closing my eyes, I let out the breath I’ve been holding and try to concentrate. I remember getting ready…Gareth was in the shower, and I was drying my hair in front of the bedroom mirror, Radio X playing loudly in the background, and I remember feeling annoyed by one flick of a curl that I couldn’t get to lie flat. Gareth came in from the shower, towel wrapped tightly about his waist, smelling of Hugo Boss aftershave and the fresh scent of shaving gel. He had tutted at my singing, as I wailed along to ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ by The Cure, and I remember feeling secretly relieved that he was in a good mood, seeing as he’d spent most of the afternoon complaining that he didn’t want to go to the party.
‘Why are you tutting?’ I had grinned at him in the mirror, while putting the finishing touches to my hair. ‘Don’t you like my singing?’
‘Ha.’ Gareth looked up from buttoning his shirt. ‘Let’s just say … I didn’t marry you for your voice. You have far better talents than that.’
The unexpected compliment had brought tears to my eyes, and I had blinked them away quickly before my mascara could run.
‘I could say the same for you,’ I stood up, pushing the chair away from the mirror, to find Gareth had crossed the room and was standing directly behind me.
‘You look lovely … really beautiful.’ He had looked down at me, brushing that stubborn curl that just wouldn’t lie properly away from my forehead, before giving me a soft kiss on the lips, not even minding my pink lip gloss. ‘Just, please … and I’m begging you, now … don’t sing any more.’
I had swatted him on the arm, laughing, feeling buoyant and as though maybe, just maybe, we could put things behind us. I remember shivering as we crossed the green, on our way to the party, too stubborn to wear a coat, or a jacket, as it would have ruined my outfit and Gareth pulling me into him to keep warm, the huff of his breath on my hair as he laughed at me for being so ridiculous.
So, we were OK, at least when we set off for the party. Tears sting my eyes again, at the difference in Gareth’s tone this morning when I arrived home. Another memory swims into view – the one that came to mind earlier this morning – Liz, pulling the door open and smiling at me, the faint scent of booze on her breath as she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek, Neil’s raucous laugh in the background. That’s all I remember. The rest of the night is just a blank, a darkness so thick and dense that I don’t feel as though I’ll ever see through it. My head feels packed full of cotton wool, fuzzy and blurry, as I wash myself slowly and deliberately, scrubbing every inch of my exposed skin, until I feel raw and sensitive, my usually pale skin shining a vivid pink as I roughly towel myself dry. My fingers skim over my inner thighs again, and I wince, unable to stop myself from pressing down on the bruising that mars the otherwise unblemished skin.
Pulling on clean pyjamas, I climb into bed, embracing the cool of the cotton and the darkness provided by the blackout blinds, trying to think rationally through what I do know. What happened? Did I go upstairs willingly with someone and let them do this to me? No, surely not. Was I angry with Gareth – did we fight? Not that I can remember – I remember feeling happy, as we walked over to the party. I didn’t have that feeling this morning, the one that I’ve woken up to so many times lately – that prickly, miserable feeling that tells me Gareth and I went to bed on an argument. And even if we had argued, I wouldn’t have slept with someone else at the party to get back at him. I wouldn’t have slept with someone else willingly, not after what happened with Ted, and the hurt and upset that caused.
As I try to fall over the edge into sleep I fail miserably, as I attempt to force away the only other answer I can come up with as to what happened at the party last night. The idea clings stubbornly, like a stain that’ll never wash out, which is appropriate really, and every time the words cross my mind I feel that same wave of nausea. Something bad happened. Someone did this to me – someone hurt me, and did things to me against my will. Someone raped me.
3 (#ulink_beb13edd-8411-5a8e-82dc-a102967375f5)
AUGUST – FOUR MONTHS BEFORE THE PARTY
I catch sight of Gareth’s scowling face in the mirror as I lean in to smack my lips together, evening out the pink lipstick that stains them. He is frowning as he buttons up his shirt, his displeasure written across his face, and I sigh.
‘Please, Gareth, I know you’re not keen, but will you try and enjoy today? It’s a barbecue, for heaven’s sake, it’s supposed to be fun.’ Flicking my hair over my shoulders and smoothing the flyaway ends down, I stand, ready to head downstairs and put the finishing touches to the food. It’s our turn to host the cul-de-sac’s annual summer barbecue, much to Gareth’s horror.
‘I’ve got things to sort out – work to finish – this is the last thing I want to do this afternoon. You could have spoken to me before you agreed to it,’ Gareth grumbles, shoving his feet into deck shoes, before marching over to the bedroom door and shouting for Robbie to get a move on.
‘He’s nearly ready.’ I lay a hand gently on his shoulder, wanting to soothe him a little, or at least make him a little less fractious. If we’re going to spend the afternoon and into the evening with the rest of our friends and neighbours on the street, then I want to him to at least be civil, even if he can’t completely shake off the tension that seems to surround him lately. ‘Look, I know it’s not ideal, us hosting the barbecue when you’re so busy with work, but look at it this way – at least it won’t be our turn to host it for a few years after today.’ I give him a smile, but he just rolls his eyes.
‘OK. Let’s get on with it. Hopefully the sooner people get here, the sooner they’ll leave.’ Gareth shrugs my hand off his shoulder and thunders down the stairs, leaving me with a familiar feeling of rejection, one that seems to be all too common at the moment.
The afternoon is warm, the sky a perfect, deep blue, and I’ve made a huge pitcher of sangria that is going down a little too well. I am hot and exhausted by mid-afternoon, having spent much of my time dashing backwards and forwards between the barbecue area and the kitchen, and topping up everybody’s drinks. Gareth has spent the afternoon hunched over the grill, flipping burgers and shouting instructions to me every five minutes, somehow managing to avoid too much interaction with our guests. I’m pretty sure that none of them have picked up on the tension between us, but Lord knows I could do with a drink. Satisfied that everyone is happy for a moment, I double check Gareth has a drink before sliding into the garden chair next to Amy, my best friend. She smiles as she looks up and holds her glass out for me to top up from the jug I’ve brought out from the kitchen.
‘Hey. How’s things?’ She glances over to where Gareth now stands with Neil at the barbecue, beer in hand and seemingly in a better mood, and raises her eyebrows at me.
‘Hmmm. Could be better.’ I take a large sip of the sangria, wincing slightly at the burn of the brandy on my tongue, still feeling raw and ever so slightly hurt by the way Gareth spoke to me before people arrived. We haven’t had an opportunity to speak at all since people got here, apart from his barking instructions at me, and last time I looked he’d still got that frown on his face. ‘He’s got the arse because he doesn’t want to be hosting today.’
‘He seemed OK when I arrived? Well, not miserable anyway.’ Amy looks at me quizzically and I sigh inwardly. Gareth has this knack of turning on the charm when it suits him. No one would believe that he doesn’t actually want any of them to be here, or that we’d had a disagreement before they arrived, he hides it so well, coming across as good old Gareth, so friendly and charming. What a guy.
‘Believe me, he doesn’t want the neighbours to be here. He said he’s got things he should be doing – work, you know,’ I roll my eyes, ‘but it’s our turn. We argued about it before everyone arrived – he said that I shouldn’t have agreed to host, not without discussing it with him first, but what was I supposed to say? We couldn’t very well just say we weren’t doing it, not after everyone else has hosted.’
‘So things are still a bit difficult?’
‘So fucking difficult at times. It’s like a rollercoaster – sometimes he’s just … brilliant. The Gareth I married – funny, kind, the old Gareth, you know? He’ll do something unexpected, something that makes me think, oh, that’s why I love you. And then other times …’ I resist the urge to lay my head on Amy’s shoulder and cry. ‘Other times he’s just … impossible. Constantly in a foul temper, but when I ask him he tells me it’s none of my business, or that nothing is wrong. Either that or he just completely ignores me – literally, he just blanks me when I speak to him, just carries on staring at his phone. And then when he does speak to me, all we do is row. It’s awful for me – it must be hell for Robbie.’ I look over to where Robbie stands with his primary school best friend, Sean, and his father. There’s no sign of Angela, Sean’s mother. The West Marsham rumour mill has it that Ted and Angela are on the verge of splitting up – apparently, she’s been getting friendly with her yoga teacher – and the fact that she doesn’t seem to be spending much time with Ted at the moment is only fuelling the gossip. Robbie says something and they all laugh, Ted – Sean’s father – clapping Robbie on the arm. Ted obviously doesn’t seem to be too bothered by the rumours. Either that, or he has utter faith in Angela’s fidelity. Across from them, Gareth stands alone at the grill, his mouth set in a grim line. I incline my head towards him and Amy follows my gaze.
‘Ahhh. I see what you mean. I don’t know what to suggest – if he won’t talk to you properly, have you tried suggesting counselling?’
I drain my glass, letting out a bark of laughter.
‘Are you kidding? If he won’t talk to me, there’s no way he’ll even consider counselling. To be honest, Amy, Rob’s old enough now … sometimes I think it would be easier to leave him and just start again.’ Abruptly I get to my feet, under the pretence of finding a fresh pitcher of sangria, but in reality, it’s so Amy doesn’t see the tears that spring to my eyes.
‘Rachel!’ Gareth’s voice cuts through my thoughts. ‘Little help here, please!’
I walk over, trying to keep a smile on my face as our guests look on, the empty pitcher dangling from one hand.
‘Can you get rid of these things, please?’ Gareth forces a smile, but you could cut the tension between us with a knife. He leans in close. ‘You did say you’d take the empty trays in to leave me some space.’
‘I was busy,’ I hiss, anxious not to let our guests overhear, ‘I’ve been trying to keep people entertained.’ I snatch up the trays, trying to balance them and the empty glass jug without anything crashing to the floor. Walking away, I don’t wait for Gareth to reply, knowing that whatever I say today won’t help things.
‘Here, let me.’ A voice stops me, and a warm hand lands on my wrist. I look up to see Ted. ‘You look like you’re about to overbalance.’
‘Thank you.’ I smile up at him, letting him take the top two trays and the jug. He walks away, towards the kitchen and I glance over to see if Gareth has noticed. He hasn’t.
I manage to relax a little after that, the tautness of my nerves loosening as the drink flows and the afternoon cools into early evening. Gareth also seems to be more like his old self, putting away the scowl that’s permanently fixed to his face lately and actually engaging with people, now that the food is cooked and he doesn’t have the excuse of the barbecue to hide behind. He still doesn’t speak to me, though, and before long I stop worrying about what he is doing and whether he is making an effort, and try to enjoy the party.
Robbie disappears after a little while, telling me he’s going to meet Courtney, a girl I know he has his eye on. I wish him luck and tell him to make sure he has a door key, before settling back in to conversation with Liz, Amy and Natalie, all of us gossiping and swapping stories. It is dusk when Jonno and Melody, the neighbours from two doors down arrive, Melody greeting me with a hug and Jonno greeting Gareth with a hearty clap on the back, a fug of alcohol already surrounding them as they squeeze into the circle of friends and neighbours that sit around the small bonfire Robbie lit before he left.
Staggering slightly as I get to my feet, the sangria I’ve been steadily drinking hitting me as I stand, I wander towards the kitchen intent on getting drinks for the new arrivals, as Liz greets them with boozy kisses and Neil forages under the cover of the grill to find them a leftover burger. I am humming slightly under my breath as I peer into the wine rack for another bottle of red, the alcohol firing a warm buzz through my veins, when someone grips me tightly by the arm. Shocked, I drop the glass I’m holding and it shatters across the kitchen floor.
‘Shit.’ I pull away, rubbing at my arm as Gareth appears beside me. ‘What the hell did you grab me for?’ Scowling, I open the cupboard under the sink and start rummaging around for a dustpan and brush.
‘Party’s over.’ Gareth pulls at my arm again as I stand, dustpan in hand. ‘Come on, it’s time to wrap it up. You’ve had enough to drink.’
‘What? No, the party isn’t over – Mel and Jonno have only just arrived! I need to clean this mess up. And I’m not drunk.’ I bend and start to sweep clumsily at the glass on the floor, but Gareth shifts so that he blocks my way. ‘Gareth, move, please. Someone could cut themselves.’
‘I said leave it. The party is over. You need to come out and help me tell everyone it’s time to go. Now.’ He leans down and pulls me upright, almost knocking me off balance into the broken glass, as I put out a hand to steady myself.
‘And I said no. Everyone is out there having a good time – everyone apart from you! I don’t know what the problem is Gareth, but I’ve just about had enough – do you realize that?’ My voice is raised, my throat thickening with tears of anger. ‘You’re unbearable at the moment, I don’t know what’s going on but …’
‘Keep your bloody voice down. There’s nothing going on. These people have had our hospitality all day – I said the party is finished, so let’s go out there and wrap it up.’ He grips my upper arm again and I tug away violently, alcohol and the slight buzz of fear making my stomach clench.
‘No. No, I’m not telling people to leave, it’s far too early.’ My palm throbs, and I look down to see a thin line of blood welling up.
‘Fine. If what these people think is more important to you than I am, that’s fine. You do what you want.’ With that he storms towards the front door, leaving me shocked and confused by his outburst, with no idea what has brought all of this on, before shouting after him.
‘Fuck you, Gareth!’
There is a light tap on the bathroom door as I lean over the sink, splashing cold water over my puffy, tear-stained face. I’ve picked a shard of glass out of my hand and managed to stop the bleeding, before dissolving into tears at the thought of Gareth storming out and having to deal with his bad mood when he decides to come back. Thinking it’s Amy checking up on me, I call out a soft, ‘Come in,’ before burying my wet face in a towel.
‘Are you OK?’ The voice isn’t the one I’m expecting to hear, and as I lower the towel I see Ted’s face peering round the doorframe at me, concern in his eyes.
‘I’m fine, thank you.’ Hanging the towel over the edge of the bath I turn back to the mirror, avoiding Ted’s gaze as I fuss at my fringe.
‘I didn’t mean to … barge in on you or anything. I just, well I overheard you and Gareth in the kitchen and I wanted to make sure you were OK. It looked like you’d cut yourself.’ Ted steps fully into the bathroom and gently pushes the door closed.
‘I did. I mean, it’s fine, just a scratch. Oh God, I’m sorry.’ Covering my face with my hands I swipe quickly at the tears that spring easily to my eyes, the way they do when you’ve been on a crying jag, made worse by Ted’s kindness and concern. ‘I’m so embarrassed, I didn’t realize anyone overheard us.’
‘Hey, shhh,’ Ted crosses the room in one easy stride and yanks a length of tissue paper from the holder, handing it to me as I start to sob.
‘I’m sorry,’ I hiccup again, scrubbing at my face with the tissue, but Ted pulls my hand away, his fingers closing easily around my wrist as he pulls me towards him. ‘Oh, God, I have to go out there and tell everyone they need to leave.’
‘I can do that. I’ll tell them that you’ve got a migraine and Gareth is looking after you. Don’t worry.’
I let out another hiccup-y sob at his kindness. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry, I can’t seem to …’
‘It’s OK, Rachel, you can cry if you want to.’ I bury my face in his shirt, inhaling the cool, fresh scent of his aftershave, something sharp and citrusy that makes me think of Italy, and a holiday we spent staying on a lemon grove. I stay there for a long moment, feeling the thud of my heart against his chest, as he breathes in and out, before I look up to see him staring down at me. Without thinking, without even trying to stop myself, I reach up on my tiptoes, planting my lips firmly against his. Holding my breath, I wait for him to pull away but he doesn’t, instead just moves his mouth against mine. I feel light-headed, the booze and the intoxicating smell of Ted’s aftershave making the room spin lightly and I hold tight to his shirt in a wave of dizziness.
‘What about Angela?’ I breathe, pulling back, my heart pounding in my chest. What about Gareth? Yes, I know it’s wrong, and I know that I am probably going to regret this in the morning when I wake up with a raging hangover, my head thumping and my mouth sour, but it’s been so long since Gareth has been anywhere near me that my skin is aflame by Ted’s touch, and I’m not sure what I’ll do if he stops.
‘She’s left. Angela and I aren’t together any more.’ Ted mutters, pulling me back towards him. Our mouths crush together and I can taste beer and cigarettes on his breath. It was just a kiss – at least, that’s what I try to tell myself after, when I wake the next morning feeling sick with shame. One drunken, unexpected kiss when I was feeling low, that eventually leads to so much more. That’s how it starts. That’s how I end up tangled in a dirty, sordid – and if I’m brutally honest – intoxicating, exciting, enjoyable affair with Ted Durand.
4 (#ulink_450d121b-4dbc-596a-99ad-075107322621)
JANUARY – NEW YEAR’S DAY
A dip in the mattress as somebody’s weight leans against the back of my leg pulls me from the uneasy doze I’ve fallen into. I’ve slept for a while – the light is almost gone, the bedroom swathed in darkness with just a faint orange glow from the streetlights outside – but it’s not been a restful sleep; dark images and shadowy thoughts exaggerated in my dreams. Turning from where I lay on my side, I roll over to see Robbie perched on the side of the bed. He leans over to switch on the bedside lamp and I squint slightly as the yellow warmth chases the last of the shadows from the room.
‘How are you feeling?’ He hands me a glass of water and a packet of paracetamol as I struggle my way into a sitting position, the duvet tangled around my legs.
‘Better,’ I lie, swallowing the pills with two huge gulps of water. The insistent thumping in my head starts up again as my brain protests at being upright, but the nausea seems to have subsided a little, so I’m not completely lying. ‘Where’s Dad?’
There is only silence from downstairs.
‘He’s gone out. He said you were up here sleeping it off, but when you didn’t come down for dinner I thought I’d just better check that you were OK.’
‘Dinner?’ I look at the clock on the bedside table, squinting at the numbers in the dim light. ‘Oh Rob, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was so late. Did you eat? I can get up now and make you something.’
‘No, Mum, it’s fine, honestly. Dad made a curry earlier – he said you always like a curry when you’re hungover. We saved you some.’ I give him a grateful smile, even though the thought of food makes my stomach roll.
‘And now Dad’s gone out?’ I frown, the chalky aftertaste of the pills thick on my tongue. ‘Did he take Thor for a walk?’ Thor, our ancient beagle, and possibly the most inappropriately named dog in England. A splatter of rain hits the bedroom window and I frown again, knowing how Thor hates to go out in the rain, and hates to go out in the dark even more.
‘No, I don’t think so. He just said he was going out. Look, Mum, are you OK? You look really pale.’
‘I’m fine, honestly. Just a little bit hungover, like Dad said.’ I can’t tell him the truth – not yet, anyway – that deep-seated maternal urge to protect my child from knowledge that will hurt him is in full swing. I smile to make the lie seem more like the truth, but my mind is whirring away in overdrive.
It’s New Year’s Day – where on earth would Gareth have gone? Surely everything is closed, it’s not like he’s got shopping to do. There is a little tickle at the back of my mind, a familiar one from the summer – the voice that whispered to me that maybe the reason why Gareth was so unbearable – snappy, irritable and secretive – was because he was having an affair. Then that makes me think about Ted, and the party, and what could have happened last night – no, not what could have, what did. My stomach turns over, and I have to swallow down the saliva that spurts into my mouth.
‘I could make you some tea?’ Robbie says tentatively, looking like a small boy again, and I wonder exactly what Gareth has told him about last night. Judging by Rob’s reaction to me, he thinks I’ve just overdone it on the wine and I’ve got a raging hangover.
‘That would be lovely. I’ll be down in a minute.’ Robbie leaves the room, thundering down the stairs like a baby elephant and I lie back on the cool pillows for a moment, before I force myself from the safety of the bed, the comfort of the bedroom, downstairs.
It’s almost midnight before Gareth comes home. Our roles are reversed, and this time it’s me sitting in the dark, nursing a lukewarm cup of tea, with Thor snoring at my feet. Robbie asked me if I minded him spending the night at Sean’s again tonight, and I told him to go, secretly relieved that he wouldn’t be home when Gareth came in, wouldn’t be there to hear what I have to say. My head feels less foggy now after my sleep, and the more I think about things the more I am convinced that whatever happened to me last night happened against my will. I wouldn’t have done that to Gareth – not after Ted, despite what people may think about me now, the thought of an affair never crossed my mind before Ted – and the fact that I can’t remember anything past the start of the evening fills me with terror, especially as I don’t think I drank that much. I hear the front door close, the lock engaging with a snick, and a few seconds later Gareth stealthily creeps into the living room, where I sit, waiting. He gasps as I flick the lamp on, clearly expecting me to be upstairs sleeping.
