Note: To read before the wedding

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Between these poles, from the hot «love» to the icy «hate», our relationship crosses many life meridians. And it seems like both of them loved each other, as they say, but they divorced (about 60 marriages out of every hundred).

Did they love each other well? Was the love strong? And how is it – to love somebody? When can a couple's relationship be called love? With what kind of love can you get a happy marriage, a happy family life, being with him side by side, raising children and earning daily bread, falling asleep on the same bed?

The first step of love during the rose and candy stage is the sweetest period, it is all about honey with a tiny nigger in the woodpile. And even though it has to warn about something, it always remains unheard. Nothing of the kind! Passion, bodies vibrate from hormones, sometimes to a precollaptoid state. And your head is full of dreams. We will have this little things and those, everything will be very good, peaceful, affectionate, mindful, colorful – says the excited mind.

Everyone knows about rose – colored spectacles, but when it begins to happen to him/ her, the chances of those who are close to them to reach out and say that the glasses should be removed are minuscule. And as soon as the romance is gone, the rose – colored spectacles fall off like leaves drop off in the autumn. A newly married couple faces the first difficulties, the tests of the relationship. Both of them were sure then that the love had passed.

The stage of saturation or oversaturation of each other comes after the wedding, especially if you rushed and flew into the marriage as cars fly at speed on the "Formula 1", so that they can change the wheels in a few seconds. Race cars will not be able to continue the race without this – the wheels will blow out. What will burst if you are in a hurry to get married today? Those who got married at speed were not really ready to live together; maybe they were not even going to. Well, it happened. One thing, another, and they got already used to each other, and why do you have to send each other endless messages when you can live together?

This period at the beginning of family life is ostrobogulous. Both of the newly married couple is relaxed. They start to show their individual self with all disadvantages, which were either well covered or dressed in tight jeans for strategic purposes – so as not to crumb the wedding. Love begins to drop from the boiling point to the first ice. After 1–2 years, 16 % of marriages burst, apparently “they did not get along”.

What did they both look at when they checked compatibility? There is no real concern for each other in such a short marriage. We can say that in such marriages there was no love, because they did not have time to look out for each other and to pay attention to each other. And you have to know that already 27 % of divorced women will not get married again. They will never have a chance to care about somebody in family relations! Don't you worry that it might be you? That it can be you who mistakenly got married and then remain alone. The first marriage is bound to be a flop and then you can remain alone for life. The price of the mistake in choosing a husband is huge. It is absolutely impossible to get married in a hurry, remember, especially the “first term”.

THE FIRST MARRIAGE IS BOUND TO BE A FLOP AND THEN YOU CAN REMAIN ALONE FOR LIFE. THE PRICE OF THE MISTAKE IN CHOOSING A HUSBAND IS HUGE.

The most “interesting” in the third stage is – disgust towards the shortcomings of the spouse, quarrels, impatience. The competition for power in the family is heating up. This is where marriages start to crumble like dry crackers. Love can be torn up like an unwanted piece of paper in an office paper shredder. Where is the love? It has gone. And this happens more often than we think. It ran away because one of the two in the couple was not prepared for the difficulties or simply overlooked when signed the important document in the registry office. Those who run into a new relationship and a new marriage immediately, without analyzing, without making "error correction", will again get "bad luck" at the same stage, only with another person. At this stage, divorce statistic is the highest – about 25–30 %. For all those people who are still going to get married, it is worth remembering that a couple of million potential bachelors are drug addicts, more than 10 million have been drinking alcohol heavily. And do not forget about prisoners, psychopaths, patients with uncontrolled jealousy. Most likely, you will have to put up with those who remained. This means that you will have to endure and find compromises much more than you could imagine. It is a real hard work on yourself, sometimes it is a kind of back-breaking toil.

Asking a divorced woman who is about 40 years old, I heard another “classic” answer to my question: "Where is the husband? I do not see the wedding ring? Where is he and how did you choose him, according to what criteria?".

The woman stared at me with round eyes and with a question in soaring intonation: “What? To make a choice? There are not plenty. It is necessary to take the first halfway normal!” There is a reasonable share in her words – it is not necessary to go over and dig in the grooms, but also to marry the “first comer”. To start living with him in a civil marriage is not the smartest choice also.

Therefore, it is good to choose in your youth, while there is someone to choose from, but do not delay the case after 35.

Those people, who are thinking and working on themselves with their life's «scratches» and «abrasions» from broken relationships live on, try, get acquainted on dating sites, where they polish their patience. Now they understand more. They know that quarrels, different views on the routine and obvious manifestations of selfishness are an absolutely normal part of a relationship. It is the same as brushing your teeth every day or cooking. Two always different people with different habits, character buildings and different everything else are getting used to each other. Here the sparks are as great as sharpness of the principles and character of each of them.

The wiser of the two becomes softer in order to preserve relationships and family. The wiser irons out the differences for the sake of love, “for both me and my love”. This can be called the greatest wisdom in family relationships. Love begins to warm up again. It heats up when a person with a promising set of characteristics is next to you. You cannot make anything with an indifferent egoist. He is cold to any gentleness. And you cannot forget about others who are shallow – hearted, those who do not know how to appreciate their relatives and live for them and do something for them.

In the development of such family wisdom the spouses are already thinking not about what he or she owes to the partner, but what he/ she can do for the other. As a rule, these are the most common actions, nothing special but the desire to do something for your beloved gives birth to love. The real desire turns into actions, it does not go astray in thoughts.

Just cover the sleeping spouse with a blanket, make no noise and let him sleep for another hour, vacuum instead of him, go to the dry cleaner, and turn on his favorite music, light a fragrant candle in the room. This is the peak of true love in terms of temperature and actions.

To give more than you get in return is the true expression of love. It is about clear and simple care. Giving your energy, time, and talents caring about your loved one every day – is true love. Receiving care and doing nothing in return, trying only to command, reproach, ridicule, suppress by knowledge of the topic or education in something, put ultimatums, using not “beautiful words” or yelling, live for yourself and your pleasures in marriage – this is hardly can be called ‘love’, this is selfishness with your own servant. What of this have you already seen in your life? What drives you wild?

TO GIVE MORE THAN YOU GET IN RETURN IS THE TRUE EXPRESSION OF LOVE. IT IS ABOUT CLEAR AND SIMPLE CARE.

Example:

“Honey, I love you very much!” When he sits every evening in front of the TV, and the wife first prepares food, then rushes and does in parallel, because there is not enough time in turn, washing dishes, ironing, washing the floors and the rest. At the same time, the husband can repeat more than once in the evening that he loves you, that he has a soft spot for you, that you are the best.

This is not love! Why? Is not the girl supposed to do everything around the house, and the husband's job is to get money? Got it, came, sat down, ate some food, drank, fell asleep a little, limping. After all, in most cases it is!

Let's agree that the book will rarely use the word «love» and vice versa, instead of it – a possible interpretation of its meaning in everyday life and these are – care and actions that confirm that he loves you. And another convention – I will write for girls on behalf of the male sex, but this is also a mirror for young men who choose their own best wife.

Here I want to make a watershed between ‘to love doing nothing’ and ‘to love with caring about your beloved’ in an infinite number of ways. I am for the second option, when you can see the actions in relation to you, and feel the desire to make you even a little happier. Such acts of care and attention cannot include courtship from guys before the wedding, for example, compliments, bouquets of flowers, boxes of chocolates or individual chocolates, theatre trips or evenings in the cafes, going to the parties, birthday parties and so on. Why?

These are just elements of courtship, natural guys’ steps to achieve their goals and intentions. They can be serious and many times more often not serious. Actions can be only for a pastime, for simple carnal delights. And this is exactly what the letters of this book, sequentially folded into tips, and is trying to protect you from.

After saying «a», let's go to «b». You can hear from girls: “I look through a guy and if he only needs me for sex, I immediately drop him”.

Oh… It would be much less reason to write, if most of the young or not very young girls, knew this «subject» on ‘excellent’ mark, they would not be caught like birds in a snare over and over again. Even more often you have to feel sympathetic to the girls’ stories when they fell into this trap and immediately saw so much new in their chosen one that from under the bouquets and compliments was not seen. The chosen one either immediately disappeared after getting what he wanted, or disappeared without getting it.

We will return to the "copybook maxims" for girls more than once. And one of the first essential things, which we briefly have to stop at, because of its location on the surface of the type “let's separate the wheat from the chaff”, is to learn how to separate:

– ostents of love that are not in words and messages, not in moments of hugs;

– lust from a serious relationship;

– how much your chosen one is willing to do something for you and not for himself.

Who among us can love? Why are you asking such a strange question? Everyone can love! It is nothing to do – to love. It is about our desire to be with this special one every minute and every second, to breathe the same air. Then it turns out that love is just sitting next to him or lying down not far from him? Moreover, all this is different with different people. The question is so intimate and unexplained.

Is it worth asking such a question? Believe me, it worth it. This is another key in one of the doors of the suite of your palace of understanding about love. There are many rooms, one after the other, each of a different color and decoration. Open it, let's see what you have there, how you put love on the shelves in this room. And as the word «enfilade» in French means to string on a thread, so you will be interested to see what is on your thread of “the ability to love”.

It is simply necessary to make a small digression here, before the reader loses interest in understanding the theme. The idea is simple: love is not just our sighs, desires and passions. Love is a work in which you can show how do you care about beloved one. You show it all the time – you really love him/ her, you just talk about love – it is obvious that you do not love your partner. At the very beginning of a relationship, excessive talkativeness about feelings and love on the part of a young person is bound to alert, especially if actions with a desire to show it, except for gifts and cafes, are far behind or absent.

The ability to care and love is a real moral work which helps you to calm or encourage, inspire to overcome difficulties, meet your precious after a working day, and many other things like that. And this all has to be learned, just as we first learned to read or write. Moving in the relationship to higher levels is like first we learn how to keep in hand a pen and years after learn calligraphy.

I will use some wonderful images and description of this from the famous author, philosopher, psychologist Erich Fromm from the book "the Art of love".

We learn how to drive a car, we go to courses. We also learn to count at school and learn foreign languages. First, the theory, the rules, and then we go to practice driving, if this is a driver's course. With foreign languages it is the same, everything is very clear – first we learn the rules, then we begin to pronounce the easiest standard phrases. And then we polish this skill for many years, either when we drive a car or speak the new language.

Who said that you can love? Have you studied the theory of how to love? What are the rules, what does the course consist of? Did you study the theoretical part to be able to love? There are so few people. You can safely give an answer – no one even thinks, no one studies the theory. What about the practice? Have you had any practical lessons on how to love (please do not confuse it with sex)? Did you start your practical training with the simplest things of love for your loved one?

Most people are completely sure that they know how to love and that this is not necessary to learn: neither to analyze the theory, nor to engage in incomprehensible practice. This is about as absurd as telling someone who does not know a foreign language that they are already fluent in it, or to convince someone who has never driven a car that he will be able to drive ‘like a snake’ in a car backwards.

The misconception is that people are confident:

– that love is simple;

– that you don't have to learn anything in love.

Therefore, most people are looking for romantic love, a romantic experience that should then lead to marriage. After all, you just need to find an object of love, and then "I know everything and I can do everything". They bend this romantic experience to a person who often does not suit them at all. Not suitable is the person for many reasons, but they do not see it at that moment – it usually happens in the rose and candy period.

ONLY A STOUT – HEARTED MAN CAN PARTLY SACRIFICE HIMSELF TO A LOVED ONE. GIVING YOURSELF TO THE BELOVED FOR MANY YEARS OF FAMILY LIFE IS CHERRY ON THE CAKE!

Love, in which there is no help and care for the beloved – this is another concept, but it is not love. The main principle in love is to give yourself, sacrifice your own energy and capabilities, leaving self-care in the background. What do you like more – to receive gifts, care and attention, or to give? Since giving is the highest manifestation of a person, his spiritual power, it is not difficult for the reader to understand how far or close he is to this level.

Only a stout – hearted man can partly sacrifice himself to a loved one. Giving yourself to the beloved for many years of family life is cherry on the cake! Now let’s have a pause for a minute. Were you taught to give yourself, to live for your loved one? Maybe these thoughts visited you during the most romantic moments? If there is a desire and you think about it – it is good enough! But then, after the wedding, life with a husband is completely different, difficult and complicated. Will you have the desire to give yourself after a working day, after cleaning the apartment, doing homework with the child and cooking a three-liter pot of soup for a week? What do you need to have in your head to make you want this? What should your husband be like, how good should he be, so that you will not change your mind about trying so hard for him?

Here is one of the effective rules of love, in which giving yourself is natural – to show an active interest in the life, rest and development of your loved one.

It cannot hurt to repeat such moments again and slightly «decipher» them. For those who reach out for the development of love, here and now there are opinions that love is (first of all):

– your active actions;

– your desire to do them all the time;

– willing your loved one to live more joyfully, more comfortably, more successfully.

To do this, you need to step outside of your selfishness, your individual self, and your interests, which are "ahead of them" for most people. Selfishness prevents us from doing this, we live first for ourselves. Especially when we live with our parents right before the wedding, before marriage. In well – established families, where there are many children, the older ones help with the education of the younger ones and they know this work. Such work, however, is more of a duty, and we are talking about the desire that arises from feelings for a loved one. Such a desire for a loved one is when you actively take care of him/ her.

Now look back at your relationship, which you have now or it is already in the past. Is your boyfriend active to you, what does he constantly do to make you happier, to make you feel more comfortable, so that you have less household duties and rest more, or cares about your education, getting new knowledge?

If it is so and he really cares about you, I can say that you are very lucky, and he really loves you, he is obsessed with you. You can see his motivation for you. Not only to sigh and reach for intimate overloads.

The ability to love and give yourself can be compared to the overloads that affect a person when falling or taking off abruptly. If a person just stands, he is affected by an overload of 1g. and those who do not know how to love – stand, do nothing, do not give themselves, do not experience the overload of their body, so that you feel better in many ways.

The other person loves, creates, helps to develop, cares to share with you household duties, creates the mood, saves from moral breakdowns… To make a long story short – he/she experiences overload. This person does more than just talking about feelings, more than just hugs and tenderness. Cosmonauts are trained, have special health data and can tolerate overloads up to 4g. And the one who gives himself for his beloved is a “cosmonaut”. He is willing to put up with these overloads for you. Such “cosmonauts” are able to make a girl really happy, saddle themselves with up to 3–4 g.

Are there many cosmonauts among ordinary people? There are units. Are there many guys who are ready to do different actions for the sake of their woman, to work hard, to care about their beloved one? Also not many, you can trust me. Look for them; help them to become such persons. But, above all, such work you should try to do on yourself.

The love of two «cosmonauts» will be beautiful, when everyone is eager to compete in a kind way and is in a hurry to do something for a loved one. Even if one of the two aspires to this, it is already good. In such relationships, romance and the desire to make your own fairy tale in your family are great friends and helpers.

Remember that to love means to endure overloads, to work hard on yourself. And loving your spouse all your life in one marriage is the most difficult work in the life. Do you want to love like that? Are you really ready for it?

14. Without this a marriage is impossible

You should know some very important moments without which your success in self – cultivation, your possible right choice of the happiness, your progress in general, in many ways in life will be impossible or reduced to a minimum.

There is a threshold in relationships that needs to be stepped over. You need to outstep in your intelligence figuratively beyond only your interests in order to see your beloved one better. But not from the outside, as you are used to, but from the inside. It is about learning to understand his actions and the reasons why he does so. Why does he yell if you, for example, remind him of the same request for the tenth time? Why does he always make you responsible for each of his mistakes at work and at home? Why is he always smarter and you are on the contrary? Then it will not be difficult to see your relationship in the future, after the wedding.

IT IS ABOUT LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND HIS ACTIONS AND THE REASONS WHY HE DOES SO.

For example, your boyfriend gets hot under the collar if you slam the door of his car loudly. Perhaps many girls learn a lot about themselves when this situation sometimes happens.

“Don't slam the door”, – is the softest version you can hear every time. Obviously, men love their cars more than their chosen one. They often forget who is in front of them and that they recently called their sweetie ‘honey’ or ‘darling’. Why does your man suddenly forget this? Why does it happen split – second?

There are some reasons. You just have to learn to recognize them. And the easiest way to begin to distinguish – is in minutes of a sharp change in intonation, aggressive shouts, raising the voice, in situations when he arrogantly teaches or reproaches you, when your boyfriend becomes a “stranger”.

Anna, the woman with whom I worked, was very irritated and could not calm down for a long time if customers promised to send an email response in an hour but they sent it in 3 or 4 hours. Or it was about couriers who were late for the appointed time. If someone did not keep their promise, Anna would start to grumble, get angry, and could not continue working without being oppressed. Employees who were more resistant to stress at work, those who were nearby, tried to calm her down, saying: “Do not pay attention, it is not doom and gloom” or "the driver was late because he was in traffic” or "the ticket booking service probably has a lot of orders, they will send the reservation before the end of the working day” etc.

But Anna seemed to be in the squared ring in a hitfest with her worst enemy and she could not control herself, she could not keep calm. It was clear that the reason for such mental breakdowns existed but it was difficult to understand it. Anna was 36 years old, recently married for the first time, she had no children. She had a bachelor degree and was scrupulous at work. Anna did everything she promised. She did everything exactly on time and constantly stressed the importance of this. She scolded people for not fulfilling their promises.

In one of these ‘calmative’ conversations with her, Anna told me a story from her childhood. A boy in kindergarten gave another girl a doll. Then this boy switched and began to take care of Anya. And then one day he promised to bring her a doll. He said that tomorrow he would give it to her but he did not bring it so he did not give it. Anya was very upset and offended. She was offended so much that at her 36 years she would lose the serenity of mind if she met unfulfilled promises like to do something or to do something on time. The doll that was not given to her formed a strong resentment. Now a hidden reason in her heart is bothering her and those around her. “Why did he promise”, – this question had a chip on her shoulder in her offended brain. Now she asks this question everywhere. She is irritated. And also she justifies her resentment with this.

If the husband did not have time to notice this point in Anna before the wedding, then he would regularly hear this reproach at home now. After all, a common everyday life is about nothing but households. There may be a million or more such situations. The husband has two options within the family: to do everything by the promised deadline or to calm the spouse every time if he does not have time or does not do it at all.

It would seem here just like a trifle, unnoticed in a relationship before the registry office. You have to know that it can greatly affect the atmosphere of many family evenings. A husband who comes home tired after a working day can receive a “gift” in the form of an irritated wife who expresses her reproaches instead of saying: “Hello, my beloved! How was your work day? Are you tired? I have a delicious dinner ready for you, please wash your hands, everything is already set on the table.”

And if there are more than one of these reasons, if there are many such things in her head? What will happen if Anna goes off on her husband in this way every day? Will they be happy and pleased with their marriage? How long will the husband be able to tolerate such “pirouettes” from Anna? And after all, this is only her individuality, her challenges and what about her husband? He also has something in his “trunk”. He is a person with his own inner demons. And yet, during the family life, each of the spouses can acquire additional habits that are not compatible with a comfortable relationship. There would be no escape from this – you are already under one roof.

THE MORE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM BEFORE THE WEDDING, THE STRONGER YOUR ALLIANCE WILL BE.

So, your practical way of choosing a husband is (in addition to what you have already known) to understand what kind of person he is, his complexes, the reasons for his irritability, anger, isolation – in everything negative that you may come against. The more you get to know him before the wedding, the stronger your alliance will be. That is why many girls after a few years of marriage say: “I would not marry him now.” Firstly, they grew up, and secondly, they learned about their husband's shortcomings only after they started living together.

Please do not repeat these mistakes, learn to understand his actions, his complexes, habits and every worrisome episode. You have to figure out why this happens, where the ‘roots’ of these disadvantages or vice versa his advantages.

It is extremely important to see such reasons in the behavior of your boyfriend before the wedding, when the relationship has been going on for a long time and everyone can get a little of their qualities from the “basket with shortcomings”:

– if your boyfriend is nervous and insults you when you slam the car door, there is a reason;

– if he raises his voice when you speak on the phone during a football match on TV, there is a reason for this too;

– if he is waiting for a compliment every time he comes on a date, it means a lot and there is a reason too;

– if he never argues with his mother or on the contrary argues with the future mother-in-law, there is a reason for everything;

– if every strife ends only when he is right and you are wrong, there is a reason and it is on the surface;

– if he was wrong, it is okay but when you make a mistake – it is a real disaster;

– if he forgot to fulfill the promise – he can do it, he is a man but if you did the same he would blame you or humiliate you;

– when he needs to drink a bottle or two of beer every evening in order to relax, relieve stress, the reason is visible even through the head;

– or if he occasionally goes with friends on a fishing trip or likes to spend time in the hunting field and at the same time his friends have new photos from a new party in their social networks and there you can see your “best man in the world”;

– if he remembers your mistakes in every row and tries to humiliate you with them.

It is not enough to understand that all these actions have their own reasons. It is more important to make a forecast of your family relations taking into account these reasons. Will there be cloudless fine weather at least a couple of days a month or just a gale warning and fog, ice, falls and fractures?

I want to give you just a couple of examples of such forecast. If each dispute ends only when your loved one is right and you are not – this means that you will get a situation in family life when it is not possible to win the dispute. You will still remain guilty, bad, stupid, etc. Are you ready to abide this and put up with it?

If he tells you that he goes fishing and then somehow you find him on the photo from a party on a friend's page – this is deception and indignity, sell – out of your interests, the absence of fidelity to you. Further, in family life, he will even more often disappear from the house on the ground of various pretexts, even less thinking about where and why. Do you like this prospect?

Learn how to analyze what is happening at the same moment when such events occur. Ask yourself the right question about the reasons for this. You have to research it, ask leading questions to clarify your assumptions about the causes of each situation. What is next – try to imagine yourself as a wife who has to endure all this, to bite the bullet, to put up with it.

The best experience that you can get by sorting out the reasons for the actions of people, especially your chosen one – is to start with yourself. Examine yourself, accurately sort out your own feelings and the motives of your complexes, fears, desires to change something in yourself. Look attentively at what pisses you off when you change your face, voice and grimace at the same time. After all, very few people do this either, they come at the cause of such irritations or fears, or complexes in themselves.

I know a girl who in a quarrel with a guy ate a whole loaf of white bread, she was eating her feelings. Apparently, she would not have been able to think about the reasons for what happened until she had finished the loaf. Understanding the reasons both good and bad for the actions of the chosen one draws the person in all the details. You will understand with whom you are going to live beneath the same roof every day. And what if this is not a loaf but alcohol, or dreams about an idol or ‘crazy’ actions when you want to do something not typical for yourself to spite everyone or someone target-focused?

Having sorted out your feelings, you get a chance to work on yourself, get rid of complexes and instantly understand the reason for your failures, resentments, loss of joy and happiness, obsession for each other in relationships. Things are the same in the assessment of your chosen one – first to notice and then to understand such moments.

There is one more thing. Not always everything is on the surface as, for example, irritation – it is easy to see, easy to feel, to look at and to understand what was the cause. There are also halftones that are covered in words or actions. For example, your boyfriend always has some very good reason not to do something when you are going to introduce him to your parents. Or it happens when the planned purchase of a new fragrance or dress for you have been simmering for years when there already new collections. It is the same in the first and second case. At such moments, the last thing you need to do is to listen to your beloved. Why is this happening? It is more important to look at the strange coincidences that have become a pattern. If he does not want to go to meet your parents, it means that he has no serious intentions about you, so you are a temporary option. If the promised perfume and dresses remain hanging on the shelves and hangers of stores – generosity is not the strongest side of your favorite.