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“MAN! I HOPE THAT’S the last one,” Carol mumbled through her mask after Danni had delivered another baby safely, verified the sponge count and started the routine stitching.
“Yep,” Danni said while she tied off a stitch. “It’s that damn moon, folks.” She raised her voice. “Brings in the pregnant ladies like a truckload of pumpkins.”
The weary team chuckled in agreement from behind their masks.
But Carol merely inflated hers with a sigh. Danni glanced into her friend’s bloodshot eyes. “After this,” she said in a low voice, “you’re going home.”
“And what about you, Doc? You going home?” Carol reached across for more suture, a flip of her wrist conveying that she’d stay as long as Danni did. After three years of working side by side, Danni and Carol read each other’s movements like Morse code.
Danni said nothing. Only three years in private practice and already it was all getting to her. Carol’s aggressive protectiveness. The full moon. Babies.
Babies.
Babies.
Danni’s hands shook a little as she opened a palm for the subcuticular suture. Carol shot her a sharp, appraising look before she slapped the hemostat down on her glove.
Danni pursed her lips behind her mask. Damn Carol and the way she saw through everything, through everyone. Damn her with her big, brown, understanding eyes. Why were nurses always so ridiculously kind and well-adjusted?
Danni finished the suturing, stripped off her gloves and announced, “I’m taking a snore. Don’t wake me until the next one’s ears are out.”
She heard Carol order someone else to dress the incision, and sensed her friend right on her heels as she hurried to the doctors’ locker room.
The door hadn’t even swung back before Carol banged it open again. Danni was just lowering herself into the recliner where the doctors slept fitfully while they monitored troubled cases in the wee hours.
“What is eating you?” Carol asked calmly as she reached up and took a blanket from the top of the lockers. “I mean, besides the fact that the whole month of August has been chaos, and now the moon is full to boot—” she shook the blanket out “—and it’s three o’clock in the morning and you’ve done four deliveries and three emergency C-sections in the last twelve hours—” she spread the blanket out over Danni “—not to mention stitching up Mr. Universe downstairs.”
Danni reached up, pulled off her surgical cap and tugged the tourniquet from her tangled hair.
“I mean, I’ve never seen you like this. What the hell was that laughing business?”
Danni winced, remembering how she’d acted in front of the firefighter. “Me?” she countered. “What was that stuff you were pulling?”
“Huh?” Carol’s expression was all innocence.
“You know what I mean.” Danni adopted a mimicking tone. “You are being stitched up by the best of the best.”
“Hey. I was only trying to help. The guy was cute. And I think he liked you. Somebody’s gotta help you meet men.” She pulled her own cap off and ran her fingers through her thick, graying curls as she studied Danni’s face. “What on God’s green earth is eating you?”
“Nothing.” Danni twitched around under the blanket for a second, then sighed. “Oh, all right, it’s just that... Oh, I don’t know.” But she did know, and trying to hold it back gave rise to a spurt of sudden, surprising tears. For heavens sake, don’t bawl now, she commanded herself. Not with Stone coming back any second. He’ll assume you can’t handle the pressure.
“You do know,” Carol said flatly. She dragged a plastic chair up beside the recliner. “Out with it.”
“No, I don’t know, exactly. I mean, I’ve got everything I ever wanted. A thriving practice, a gorgeous house, my horse and my dogs...” Then why the tears? she wondered without Carol having to ask.
Carol extended a tissue. Danni dabbed her eyes and blew her nose. “I never cry,” she said. “But tonight, it seems like every little thing brings tears to my eyes. I almost cried when I first saw that fireman in the E.R”
Carol shook her fingers as if they’d been burned. “Me too, honey.”
“No! I mean when I found out he’d been a rescuer at the bombing.”
Carol grew solemn. “He was?”
Danni nodded. “But all kinds of other things have been getting to me, too. I’m just not myself. That inappropriate laughter...” Danni twisted the tissue. “It sounds weird, but I honestly think what’s really bugging me is all this damned...fecundity.”
Carol’s eyebrows shot up. “Fecundity?” she repeated.
“Yes, fecundity,” Danni sniffed. “I’ve got everything I ever dreamed of while I was struggling through med school and that hellish residency. The trouble is, I guess I didn’t dream hard enough. The trouble is... ” Danni’s eyes filled with tears again as she stared at the acoustical tile ceiling. What was the matter with her?
But Carol Hollis was a trusted friend, and when Danni felt Carol’s warm, plump palm close over her forearm, her defenses crumbled.
“Trouble is,” she went on, “I’ve ended up with this manless, childless, loveless life for myself....” Danni threw an arm over her eyes. What she couldn’t express aloud was the terrible fear that she would always be manless, childless, loveless, and the reason why.
“The trouble is,” Carol said softly, “you’re a human being. And a female human being to boot. And when you saw that hunk in the E.R. tonight, maybe he reminded you of what you’re missing.” She gave Danni’s arm a squeeze, and Danni nodded but didn’t lower her other arm. Admitting it was bad enough; she couldn’t look into Carol’s eyes at the same time. And she couldn’t possibly tell her the rest of it, could she?
“And, let’s see, you’ll be thirty-three on your next birthday,” Carol continued.
“Thirty-four,” Danni corrected in a croaky whisper.
“Right. And at thirty-four, it’s time for a reality check. Your biological clock is ticking away. You’ve seen this reaction often enough in patients. Why should you be any different?”
Danni gave a rueful laugh. “I always said I’d never have kids. Not after—”
“Not after what?” Carol prompted when Danni wouldn’t continue.
But Danni couldn’t go into that story now—not with patients out there needing her. “It’s a long story. The point is, lately, my biological clock’s been bonging louder than Big Ben!” She lowered her arm and looked at Carol, frustration with herself momentarily overcoming her pain. “But don’t you think thirty-four’s kind of young for that? I mean, rationally I know—”
“Rationality has very little to do with some things, hon. Maybe it’s not so much biology as other factors. As you said, your practice is booming. You’ve proved yourself here at Holy Cross and now you’re getting ready to take on a couple of partners. Looks like you’ve got it made, career-wise.” Carol emphasized the last words.
Danni pulled the recliner upright. “You’re right. I’ve been striving for so long, I haven’t had time to think about my personal life. And suddenly, now that I’ve succeeded...”
“You want love, and a family, perhaps, along with everything else.” Carol shrugged her shoulders. “Wanting to love and be loved is not exactly a crime.”
Danni felt a tiny bubble of hope rising. Yeah. Love. Why shouldn’t Dr. Danni have a family just like everybody else? Just like all her patients? “Yeah,” she said aloud. “Why shouldn’t I have a baby of my own—”
“And a man, too?” Carol suggested.
“Oh. Oh, yeah. And the man, too,” Danni said vaguely. She had a sudden flashback to the fireman propping his head up on his muscular arm, only this time the image didn’t make her laugh, and neither did the memory of his compelling.blue eyes.
Carol gave her a dubious look. “I don’t understand you twenty-first-century women. When I was your age, babies were the by-product of the man, not the other way around.”
Danni grinned, feeling in control of herself again. “When you were my age, you and George had already created a lot of by-products.”
Carol chuckled. “Blame it on the moon, honey. But I wouldn’t trade my four boys for anything.” Then she patted Danni’s arm. “Listen, speaking of the moon, you’d better catch some sleep. A couple of the patients are already dilated to eight.”
“Right.” Danni was relieved to close her eyes, because she was afraid that if they talked about men and babies anymore, the tears might start again. And she hated tears.
She’d convinced herself long ago that she could not afford to let tears begin. Not while she was at work. And long ago, she’d decided that she could never risk telling anyone about her sister’s death—not if she wanted to remain calm and professional and take care of her patients.
As far back as medical school, Danni had learned not to even say Lisa’s name out loud. That was why she hadn’t told Carol the whole story just now. But then, who had she ever told? No one. She barely understood her feelings herself. That was the real problem.
No. The real problem was that Lisa had died.
And that would never change.
CHAPTER THREE
LATER, IN THE GRAY predawn hours, as she turned off Peoria Avenue onto her own street, Danni’s mood had not improved. The glamorous life of a doctor, she thought ruefully as she struggled to keep her eyes open, grateful that she lived less than a mile from the hospital.
Precisely the reason she’d chosen this upscale, historic neighborhood in Tulsa’s Woodward Park area.
She drove her BMW up the gentle incline of her driveway and wearily clicked the remote control. The garage door slid up with a flawless hum and Danni pulled into her immaculate, uncluttered garage, then punched the button again to seal out the world. Letting herself in through the utility room, she entered a completely dark, silent house.
Her silver weimaraners, Pearl and Smoky, rose like ghosts from their beds and brushed against her legs. “Well, hello,” Danni crooned as she reached down and petted them. “How are my doggies?”
She pressed the intercom button on the security panel. “Jackie?” she called, and waited for her housekeeper to awaken and answer from upstairs. “Jackie?” No answer. Was it Jackie’s night off? She reached over to punch in the security code, then realized the alarm was off.
Dadgum that harebrained girl, she thought. How many times did she have to remind Jackie to turn on the security system when she went out? Danni hit another button and soft safety lights illuminated the stairwell, bathrooms and hallways of the entire 3,700-square-foot house. Last spring, Danni had hired the top builder in Tulsa to renovate this vintage house on a split lot, with impeccable attention to details like copper awnings, custom stonework, and real plaster walls with bullnose moldings. Underneath the gracious antique facade was every amenity of modern construction imaginable, from zoned heat and air to underground sprinklers. The house with everything, Danni sometimes thought, except people to share it with.
She took a sharp right into a central hall where a narrow oak stairway wound upward and a smaller hallway veered back toward the study and master suite. Arched doorways from this central hall led to the kitchen/great room, and the formal dining living areas. The dogs padded off in the direction of the kitchen.
Danni stood in the hallway, feeling like a laboratory mouse choosing between competing drives. The bathroom? The kitchen? The bed? She needed them all at once.
She trudged as far as the small guest bathroom next to her study, then washed her hands and splashed cool water on her face.
As she blotted dry she studied her reflection in the mirror, and didn’t like what she saw: sallow complexion, bloodshot eyes, limp hair. She gave her high cheekbones a pinch. Precious little color appeared, and her skin felt oily and coarse. She looked down at her bluntly trimmed nails and bleached, cracked cuticles. Well, scrubbing for surgery wasn’t exactly a manicure. She backed away from the mirror, pulled off her wrinkled scrubs and dropped them in a heap at her feet.
Hopeless, she thought as she turned sideways and sucked in her tummy. That bulge was the result of too many fast-food meals on the run, those hips from too much horseback riding and not enough jogging, and these—she pushed her D-cup breasts up a notch in the utilitarian support bra—what could she possibly do about these?
Disheartened, she cut through the study to the master suite where she threw on her trusty old pink chenille robe, then, pushing back the guilt by telling herself she deserved some comfort food, she headed for the fridge.
The kitchen/great room, a massive area with atrium doors flanking a huge stone fireplace, would have been dark except that, predictably, Jackie had not drawn the drapes. Moonlight streamed in through a bank of Colonial windows on the south wall, casting an eerie glow over the space. By daylight this was a stunning room with its pale taupe cabinetwork, oak flooring, and muted tapestry fabrics, but tonight it seemed as cold as a cave.
She hit the replay button on her answering machine as she rounded the granite-topped island in the kitchen, then padded to the double-sided refrigerator. She jerked the door open and stood in the blast of artificial light and cold air, surveying a staggering array of food. Jackie could cook—Danni would give her that.
Beep. “Danni, dear!” It was her mother’s voice, sounding annoyingly cheerful at four in the morning. “Are you never to be found in your lovely home? Aunt Hetra and Aunt Dottie and I are going shopping at Utica Square tomorrow and I thought we’d drop by first so they could see how beautifully your house turned out. Would that be okay? By the way, Wesley Fuerbome’s mother called me today, and guess what? Wesley is coming back to Tulsa! Isn’t that nice?”
Danni rolled her eyes. Would her mother never give up? Wesley Fuerborne. Danni hadn’t seen him since college. Their relationship had seemed to please all of Tulsa society—everybody but Danni. What was it about Wesley? Well, for one thing the sex had been terrible. Awkward and juvenile. Had that been her fault or his? Didn’t matter. It certainly hadn’t been good enough to offset Danni’s irrational fear of becoming pregnant every time their relationship had gotten physical, despite the precautions she’d insisted on.
Her mother’s voice was going on brightly. “Such a nice young man. He wants to see you while he’s here, and I was thinking maybe you two could join me for the Tulsa Performing Arts Gala.”
Pearl and Smoky had positioned themselves on their haunches at Danni’s feet, staring expectantly upward. She tossed them each a chunk of cheese and said, “Go lie down!” in a stern voice that the dogs ignored.
“Call me soon, sweetheart. We’ll drop by tomorrow.” Beep.
Danni rolled her eyes again and focused on the food. She passed on the sensible tuna-and-pasta salad, and grabbed a grilled pork chop. She stood at the kitchen island and devoured it without benefit of silverware as she stared out at her moonlit backyard.
That moon.
Silent. Waiting. Calling.
How far the moon was from Earth, yet how intimately close it felt. How compelling. And how she hated the haunting sight of it.
Danni wasn’t even aware of her movements as she wandered around the island and dropped onto the leather couch facing the southern windows. She keeled to her side and lay there, watching the moon float high over the trees.
She was so, so tired.
She wanted to sleep, not visit her old, sad memories; not think about all that she had seen tonight. “Sometimes I hate this job,” she murmured to the moon, and closed her eyes, willing that last scene at the hospital—especially that one—away.
The things a doctor saw—birth and death and everything in between—were frequently heartrending, but sometimes they actually marked your soul. That was the risk.
By three o’clock this morning, Labor and Delivery had slowed down enough for Danni to dash out to Postpartum to check on the burn victim. The patient was stable, Carol had called in the social worker and the chaplain to counsel and console, and there had been little else they could do. But Danni had wanted to make sure the woman’s sedatives were working. As she’d approached the patient’s door she’d heard her, quietly sobbing.
Danni turned to go back to the nurses’ station to get more sedative when she heard the firefighter’s deep voice. “I’ll stay here as long as you need me.”
Danni frowned and crept back to the doorjamb and looked in. He was standing by the mother’s bed, holding her hand, with his back to Danni. He had put his fire pants back on under the hospital gown, and now wore paper hospital shoes.
“I’m so afraid,” Danni heard the mother say.
“They’re doing everything they can. You just have to be strong,” his deep voice answered.
The mother broke into fresh sobs and Danni watched him bend forward and wrap his uninjured arm around her in a protective hug, causing the hospital gown to gape open, exposing his tanned back.
“Th-thank you for saving my babies!” the woman sobbed, and clung to his bare skin.
“I only wish I could have gotten them out sooner, ma’am.” Danni heard a tightness in his voice. Was he crying? She turned to go, thinking she shouldn’t eavesdrop, when something the mother said stopped her.
“Do you pray?” the woman asked.
For some reason Danni wanted to know. Did he?
He straightened and took the mother’s hand again. “Yes, ma’am. I started praying about four years ago. It helps a lot.”
“Would you pray for my babies?”
“Yes, ma’am.” He got down on one knee, and still holding the mother’s hand, began to pray so quietly, so reverently, that Danni had to strain to hear the words.
“Lord, we’re coming to you now to ask you to help this mother and her babies. We ask only that—”
He stopped as if he had to consider what, exactly, to ask in these dire circumstances. Danni leaned forward.
“We ask that you take the babies into your care. We’re turning them over to you, Lord. We trust in you and your will. Please give this mother the strength she needs... And give her peace. Amen.”
Danni backed away from the door and went down the hall to get the sedatives, knowing that she could not match what this fireman had offered through his presence and his prayers.
Now, the memory of that scene caused tears to spring into Danni’s eyes as she lay on her couch.
That poor, poor woman, Danni thought. She’d needed Matthew Creed’s company and support tonight. Danni hoped there were people in the woman’s life who would give her the strength she was going to need. We all need people, Danni thought, suddenly feeling more lonely than she ever had in her life.
