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50 Ways to F**k the Planet
David Glick
Mark Townsend
In a world where we're bombarded with advice on going green, authors Mark Townsend and David Glick take a refreshing line and tell us how NOT to go green. Indeed, they're here to help us f**k up the planet good and proper. And it's easier than you think.An irreverent celebration of environmental doom and gloom, 50 Ways to F**k the Planet takes the 'eco-handbook' in an outrageous new direction, exposing fifty very real and very scary threats facing the world today and showing just how entertaining and easy it is for us to make them worse.Forget the future. Why expend our energy on a lost cause? This is the defeatist (but not altogether unrealistic) stance taken by Townsend and Glick as they revel in the dire fate of our planet. Combining bleak facts with hilariously ironic commentary, the authors applaud our environmental incompetence and stick two fingers up at the whole damn thing. Punctuated with checklists and handy hints to f**k things up faster, this book is for those who want to stop pretending they are responsible world citizens and just get with the party. How much you get involved is up to you, but don't be fooled into thinking that doing nothing is any better.From the familiar honeybee, whose dwindling numbers have huge repercussions on our food chain, to the environmental implications of the smoking ban, the topics cover endangered species and declining terrain as well as social (mis)conduct and the devastating effects of commerce. Outspoken and unabashedly brazen, this is your ultimate countdown to the end of the world.
50 Ways to F**k the Planet
Mark Townsend & David Glick
50 Ways to F**k the Planet (#ulink_f640fd96-b79d-5ad6-8e57-029f16b4c27d)
‘Forget carbon footprints or ozone layers. The dangerously high level of sarcasm contained in this book could destroy the planet singlehandedly…’
ZOE BALL & NORMAN COOK
‘A fresh approach to serious issues, this is one book about environmental issues that people should read.’
DAVID DE ROTHSCHILD, ADVENTURER AND ENVIRONMENTALIST
‘I wholeheartedly support this book. It’s a clever way to get people thinking about our future’.
HARVEY GOLDSMITH CBE
‘A book launch that I actually want to do the cooking for.’
GEORGIO LOCATELLI, CHEF
‘What a great, irreverent approach to this hugely challenging issue.’
ALEXANDER MCQUEEN CBE
‘What a refreshing read. A really amusing book with green credentials that doesn’t preach. Hallelujah!’
PETE TONG, DJ
The statements, comments or opinions expressed by the authors of this book are entirely their own. Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of information but it cannot be guaranteed. Neither the authors nor the publishers can be held responsible for the actions of any individuals, or groups, believed to be misusing the content of this book.
Table of Contents
Cover Page (#ucaf52817-d6fc-540e-9218-d54f94065657)
Title Page (#uab07b0bd-93d0-52f6-9557-b5ac66e691a3)
Dedication (#u958d6883-1a9d-5160-b891-36160772f2a6)
Introduction (#u7b2c3749-a31e-515d-9646-0a8920e73005)
Tested on Animals (#udccad349-d75a-5323-819e-25cf88871a2f)
1 To bee or not to bee (#u412c3c3a-d98f-5c61-960c-7eca260cd0e8)
2 A hard halibut to break (#u7d78a0b9-d9fb-5ad4-8e79-52f11c7635de)
3 Space invaders (#u928fcac0-abac-5e86-9cf8-b7d53480155f)
4 Chemical reaction (#u351359f4-b6d6-5d83-834d-674e0e1aa495)
5 Tusk, tusk (#u0d943886-5141-5af9-b887-e40a36f55718)
6 The krilling fields (#ub2be8706-9cba-586d-8409-47e23773afd1)
7 Seed the world (#u044596e4-ab40-51e2-a327-c3c82a9b8332)
8 Blow me (#u0564cb0c-1847-56bf-b6f8-c8543a8b3a0f)
9 Erode to hell (#u74f6f7ab-8aa2-5807-9cb7-d045b58584ad)
10 Seal you later (#u2bfec172-988b-5f40-9e10-7324b1c83cf6)
11 A whale tragedy (#ue1a90483-11c8-56dd-8090-20d32c9a2845)
12 Water shame (#ua8687cde-c13b-5de6-8cc9-66403a21c19c)
13 One helluva fungi (#u563a619f-2068-51fe-aac7-5400c494b9c3)
14 Going ape (#u272005ad-2311-5dfc-9899-563f1fbd4e26)
The Ends of the Earth (#u8d9bfb5f-9602-59a7-8159-1920d765848d)
15 Spruced up (#u5f5447fa-db87-5f9a-8236-d4344dadc192)
16 Con with the wind (#ud493f020-86cc-5169-bff8-1d4f884afe76)
17 Bottom trawling (#u41f00186-cc0b-5a8b-afaf-c2ac16b926fe)
18 Palm feeder (#uee39bf9a-381d-54a6-a6d6-9ff8b5e90a52)
19 Eau naturel (#ud6b4152d-ce67-5f5a-8513-18036de524c8)
20 Not soya good (#u72f66412-81dc-5ca3-ae5a-84c7af627e71)
21 Sea of change (#ue73fefdd-8f10-5811-86ce-52888054d1b0)
22 Arrested development (#u66e0d9e7-4227-5752-931f-2af0b6c2a32c)
23 Green light (#u4c0cf73c-9f30-512d-b470-aa9918aacc57)
24 Radiating fury (#ucae5001d-2a61-5284-8b7b-0fa1256cb1e3)
25 Climate of fear (#ud4bea062-58f1-5ba4-8cfd-b15395d73e1a)
26 Germ warfare (#uc03e5aef-3898-5a35-bf8e-61315994d2c0)
27 Not so slick (#ua371b7ac-225b-5a1e-8663-3a63ca24546c)
Politically Incorrect (#u2387d25d-77c3-55e0-90ad-45951d4df542)
28 Grin and beer it (#ub5d2b069-960a-5679-a19c-b925ae900568)
29 When Porsche comes to shove (#udc515819-638e-5396-9a3c-b9854ca36aa6)
30 Greenwash (#uc8e1da6d-facd-5fa8-9aca-e80bdea72f5d)
31 The final frontier (#u0cbaec05-f962-5e2c-9a69-acf80789be68)
32 Appetite for destruction (#u2b30e994-f9ca-5df0-9d61-276945740784)
33 Flying low (#u4a1a3a15-c62d-591e-86ad-ed3e6bdf7638)
34 Nuclear wasters (#u961ecc60-36d0-5b5f-b7e8-a99f78d60dfe)
35 Going bananas (#uc9bfccb1-d937-504a-91dc-ad281742b152)
36 Great wail of China (#u6ecd79cf-7a6d-5fad-92db-d763b53ddeff)
37 The sex factor (#u1715b379-8657-5db2-8223-4d686e71f89a)
38 Pulp friction (#u43014424-2e0d-581d-ad19-9d954be46114)
39 The butt stops here (#u15dcdebf-f361-54a0-8dcf-5990b1fb1fb4)
40 Warm front (#ua0dd25d9-c99b-5976-b7f5-8b0c1d02c9e9)
41 Emission impossible (#u7436b1ba-400b-510d-be71-90c672dd0027)
42 Oh my green god (#u1b9782f9-35c9-54aa-9c0f-dad690f143a0)
43 Cold comfort (#u63f9e7be-e29c-52eb-9ee5-999c7975b57c)
44 Food fright (#ueb23cbfa-b27b-5240-9320-61b502e44dbf)
45 Green gas (#ubc853b1a-63cd-5cbc-93e1-c07ab5a934a8)
46 Material world (#u2f2a9ae9-9af8-5c62-ad2e-8e6d193439ce)
47 Eco worriers (#u22fcd034-0d5e-581a-843e-0941ffff8288)
48 Brothers in arms (#u282d8942-ec18-53ca-b6a6-11fb0e5b92d5)
49 Rock squalid (#u6ac99bfe-d2d0-5c4b-910a-25743a4ae7e8)
50 Blaze of glory (#u8a5ec704-f01a-54ea-b390-d6a8e7744667)
Resources (#u04fba28f-9118-51e9-a425-f80ba3feb3f3)
Index (#u91f36131-5e78-51a4-8fb9-dde9b5a13d78)
50 Ways to F**k the Planet (#uea4acf01-2fab-52aa-9f95-c9ca2f1754fb)
Acknowledgements (#u2ed49752-67dc-5b14-bfb7-6c4687053313)
Copyright (#uf4582d8e-bd6b-5769-9968-82e138a0edb5)
About the Publisher (#u05945448-b4ad-5f71-aa39-87ef5495f219)
Introduction (#ulink_8647b1c8-f81f-54f0-87bb-cff0b00a3084)
We have all dreamed of living for ever. Possibly even the planet, at some point, imagined itself to be invincible. Then along came humans with their revolutionary industrial activity and started upsetting the natural order. About now Mother Nature must be wondering whether she will even reach the menopause. Reality bites, sweetheart.
So how should the average human respond to this impending doom? Three choices present themselves. First up is the path of true virtue. Your every waking decision must be factored to minimize your footprint on the planet. Don’t fly. Don’t flush. Pass judgment on everyone else whilst you weep over a plate of sustainable steamed spinach at the goddamn wastefulness of it all.
Then there’s the middle-way. You recycle the odd beer can and wipe your behind with green loo roll. You cycle when sunny. Your conscience is salved. It’s a nice, comfy way but one that is taking us anywhere but a nice place.
The final option is all about the future. In short, that there is no future. Only today. Hell, optimism went out with square wheels. Treat every day as if it is your last and one day it will be. So, put your foot down like never before, it’s time to enjoy the planet. Why deny yourself its fruits? These days, self sacrifice is only for those intellectually bankrupt enough to believe they can actually make a difference. It’s far too late. Earth is in the terminal cancer ward with tubes rammed up its nose. It’s dying for a cigarette and so are you. Go on, light up and enjoy one last gasp together. Who says the collapse of planet Earth need be all doom and gloom? Take a look at the major corporations, the politicians, the neighbours across the way with their big cars and whirlpool jacuzzis. They’re all having a laugh. They appreciate the virtue of living for the moment. Ignore the do-gooders. History will articulate their actions as no more than the final Band-aid to be slapped on the Thames Barrier as it sinks beneath the rising tide.
This book is for all those who are courageous enough to cease pretending that they are doing something worthy. It’s a fifty point manifesto that’s honest enough to encourage what no-one dares admit. Ostensibly, it tells you how to f** k the planet, royally, with a great, steaming rocket shoved up its overblown behind. It tells you how to murder polar bears, mangle seabeds, eradicate honeybees, torch large forests, trigger a nuclear apocalypse, spread killer germs and become morbidly obese. In addition, instructions abound for how to create the most environmentally challenged eco-fashion label, manufacture an excessively extravagant rock band, throw the party to end all parties and, of course, how to die (because immortality doesn’t exist, remember?) in a suitably wasteful manner.
The guidance in this book is strictly reserved for those who are deadly serious about ruining the planet in the shortest time possible. Some suggestions require minimal effort; some you might, quite laudably, already be engaged in. Some demand like-minded participants, others require individuals with the rarefied wealth and political access only a few can boast. But do not fret; you’ll be surprised at the support you’ll be able to count on. There’s something here for everyone.
Even if you pursue only a modest selection of the suggestions that follow, take heart from the knowledge that you have contributed to Mother Earth’s mid-life crisis. In fact, you will have played a part in the most seismic chapter of her existence. Your dreams of immortality might not be realised, but your actions will change the course of history. Enjoy the party my friend, you did in fact make your mark on the Earth.
Tested on Animals (#ulink_cd00b00c-f064-5a17-9900-85801787718d)
1 To bee or not to bee (#ulink_94867513-b538-5a30-a58b-14feb1662b41)
Buzz off
AGENDA
* Wipe out honeybee population
* Enjoy your picnic in peace
* Destroy countryside and crops
* Save your £1 coin for something better than a wonky trolley
It may be small but it’s certainly not lacking in fertility. The honeybee is a rampant member of the insect world, visiting flower after flower in a frenzy of pollination. Humans rely upon its promiscuity for flora, fauna and food. In your efforts to totally f**k the planet, there’s an easy way to eliminate this bumbling competition. Very soon the bee will not be.
