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There was so much she had expunged from her life. Colour, impulsiveness, walking along a beach at dusk with the wind blowing salt-tinged tendrils of hair into her face. Enjoying the here and now.
She might have chosen a controlled, sleek, beige, stone and black existence. It didn’t mean that she hadn’t occasionally hungered after something a little more vibrant. But vibrancy had a price she hadn’t been prepared to pay.
In the end control was worth it. It allowed you to plan, to achieve.
But, damn, the music had felt good. The right here, right now felt good. Even those ridiculously bright cocktails had been—well, not good, exactly but surprisingly palatable. Maybe coming back wasn’t such a terrible thing after all.
‘How are you getting back?’
Lawrie jumped, every sense suddenly on high alert. She didn’t want to look Jonas in the eyes in case he read the conflicting emotions there. There had been a time when he’d been able to read her all too easily.
‘I was planning to walk,’ she said.
‘Alone?’
‘Unless there are suddenly bloodthirsty smugglers patrolling the dark streets of Trengarth I think I’ll manage the mile home okay.’
‘There’s no lighting on your gran’s road. I’d better walk you back.’
Lawrie opened her mouth to refuse—then shut it again, unsure what to say. Whether to make a joke out of it, point out that after negotiating London streets for the past few years she thought she could manage a few twisty Cornish lanes. Whether to just say thank you.
Jonas took her silence for acquiescence and strode off towards the door. Lawrie stood indecisively, torn between a childish need to stand her ground, insist she was fine, and a sudden hankering for company—any company—on the walk back up the steep hill.
She had been all too alone these last weeks.
Without thought, almost impulsively, she followed him.
The night was warm, despite the breeze that blew in from the sea and the lack of cloud, and lit up by stars shining so brightly Lawrie could only stand and stare, her neck tilted back almost to the point of pain as she tried to take in the vast expanse of constellation-strewn night sky.
‘Have you discovered a new planet?’
Lawrie ignored the sarcastic tone. ‘I’m not sure I’d realise if I had,’ she said. ‘It’s just you never see the sky like this in London. I had almost forgotten what it was like.’
Another reclaimed memory to add to the list. Just how much had she shut out over the last nine years?
And how much could she bear to remember? To feel?
The shocking ache of memory—the whispers of ‘what might have been’. If she hadn’t walked in on Hugo she would still be in London, with Trengarth a million miles away from her thoughts, her ambitions, her dreams.
It was all so familiar. The dimly lit windy street, the harbour wall on one side and the shops on the other—a trendy mixture of surf-hire, arty boutiques and posh grub for the upmarket tourists who sailed or stayed in the village throughout the summer.
As they turned up the steep, hilly road that led to Lawrie’s gran’s house the shops became more prosaic: post office, grocer’s, buckets and spades and souvenirs.
She stole a glance at the man strolling along by her side, walking up the hill with ease. He too was still the same in so many ways, and yet there was something harder, edgier. His very silence was spiky, and she had an urge to break it. To soften the mood.
‘So...’ Was that her voice? So tentative? She coughed nervously and tried again—this time loud, abrasive. More suited to a confrontation than casual conversation. ‘Are you married? Any children?’
He didn’t break stride or look at her. Just gave a quick shake of the head. ‘Nope.’
‘Anyone special?’
‘Not at the moment.’
So there had been. What did you expect? she asked herself fiercely. That he’s been living like a monk for the last nine years? Would you even want that?
She wasn’t entirely sure of her answer.
‘A couple of times I thought maybe that there was potential. But it was never quite enough. I’m an old-fashioned guy.’ He slanted a glance at her, cold, unreadable. ‘Marriage should be for ever. Failing once was bad enough...’
‘We didn’t fail.’ But her words had no conviction. Lawrie tried again. ‘We just wanted different things.’
‘If that’s the way you want to remember it.’
Now this was familiar. The flush of anger, the ache of frustration as they stood on either side of a very deep chasm. No, Lawrie told herself. Don’t say anything. What was the point in dredging up old arguments, conflict that should be dead and buried?
Only she had never been able to resist the opportunity to fight her corner.
‘It’s the way it was.’ Cool, calm. As if it didn’t matter. And of course it didn’t. It was history.
Only it was her history. Theirs.
It was her job, knowing when to argue a point, knowing when to let it lie. There was nothing to gain from rehashing the same old themes and yet she felt compelled to go on.
‘There’s no shame in admitting something isn’t working, in moving on,’ she persisted as they reached the top of the hill and turned down the hedge-lined lane that led to the cottage. The bumpy road ahead was hard to make out, lit just by the brilliant stars and the occasional light marking out driveways and gates. ‘I couldn’t stay here, you wouldn’t move—what else could we do? It all seems to have worked out for you, though. You seem to have done well for yourself.’
‘Surprised?’ The mocking tone was back. ‘You always did underestimate me, Lawrie.’
‘I didn’t! I never underestimated you!’ Her whole body flushed, first with embarrassment, then with indignation. ‘We grew apart, that’s all. I didn’t think...’
‘Didn’t think what?’
How could those smooth, cream-rich tones turn so icy?
‘That I was too naïve, too small-town for your new Oxbridge friends?’
‘Wow—way to rewrite history! You hated Oxford, hated London, disliked my friends, and refused to even consider moving away from Cornwall. It wasn’t all me, Jonas. You wouldn’t compromise on anything.’
He laughed softly. ‘Compromise suggests some kind of give and take, Lawrie. Remind me again what you were willing to give up for me?’
‘That’s unfair.’ She felt tired, defeated. She had just presided over the death of one relationship—did she really have to do the post mortem on this one too?
‘Is it?’
The worst part was how uninterested he sounded. As if they were talking about complete strangers and not their hopeful younger selves.
‘Actually, I should thank you.’
She peered at him through the star-lit darkness. ‘Thank me?’
‘For forcing me to grow up. To prove you, my parents, everyone who thought I was a worthless, surfing bum wrong.’
‘I never thought that,’ she whispered.
An image flashed through her head. A younger, softer Jonas, his wetsuit half peeled off, moulded to muscular thighs. Naked broad shoulders tapering down to a taut, perfectly defined stomach. Water glistening on golden tanned skin. Slicked-back wet hair. Board under one arm, a wicked smile on his mouth, an invitation in his eyes. A sudden yearning for the carefree boy he had been ran through her, making her shiver with longing. How had he turned into this cold, cynical man? Had she done this to him?
He laughed again, the humourless sound jarring her over-wrought nerves.
‘Oh, Lawrie, does any of it matter? It was a long time ago—we were practically children. Getting married in our teens...we must have been crazy—it was always going to end in tears.’
‘I suppose it was.’ Her voice was tentative.
Was it? Once she’d thought they would be together for ever, that they were two halves of one whole. Hearing him reduce their passion to the actions of two irresponsible teenagers nearly undid her. She fought against the lump in her throat, fought for composure, desperate to change the subject, lighten the mood which had turned as dark as night.
‘Here you are.’
He stopped at the gate that led into the small driveway and Lawrie skidded to an abrupt stop—close, but not touching him. She was achingly aware of his proximity, and the knowledge that if she reached out just an infinitesimal amount she would be able to touch him made her shiver with longing, with desire, with fear. She wanted to look away but found herself caught in his moonlit gaze, the blue eyes silvered by the starlight.
‘It wasn’t all bad, though. Being a crazy teen.’
The cream had returned to his voice. His tone was low, almost whispered, and she felt herself swaying towards him.
‘No, of course not. That was the happiest time of my life.’
Damn, she hadn’t meant to admit that—not to him, not to herself. It must be the cocktails talking. But as the words left her mouth she realised their truth.
‘The happiest time,’ she whispered, so low she hoped he hadn’t heard her.
Just one little step—that was all it took. One little step and she was touching him, looking up at him. Her breasts brushed against his chest and just that one small touch set her achingly aware nerves on fire. She felt the jolt of desire shock through her, buzzing through to her fingers, to her toes, pooling deep within her.
Jonas’s head was tilted down. The full focus of his disconcertingly intense eyes on her. Lawrie swallowed and licked suddenly dry lips, her nails cutting into her palms as she curled them into tight fists. The urge to grab him and pull him close was suddenly almost overwhelming.
‘Jonas?’
An entreaty? A question? Lawrie didn’t know what she was asking him, what she was begging him for. All she knew was that it was her birthday. And that she hadn’t felt this alive for a long, long time.
‘Jonas...’
He stayed still for a long second, his eyes still fixed on hers, their expression unreadable.
And then he took a step back. The sudden space between them was a yawning chasm. ‘Goodnight, Lawrie. I’ll see you in the morning. Don’t be late—there’s a lot to go through.’
Lawrie suppressed a shudder. It was suddenly so cold. ‘I’m never late.’
‘Good.’
She stood by the gate, watching as he turned and began to stride down the path, ruthlessly suppressing the part of her that wanted to call after him, run after him. Yet she couldn’t ignore the odd skip her heart gave as he stopped and looked back.
‘Oh, and, Lawrie... Happy Birthday.’
And then he was gone. Swallowed up by the velvety blackness like the ghost of birthdays past.
Lawrie sagged against the gatepost, an unwelcome mixture of frustrated desire and loneliness pulsing through her. If this was how one night with Jonas could make her feel, how on earth was she going to manage a whole summer?
She forced herself upright. She was vulnerable right now, that was all. She would just have to toughen up even more—harden herself.
And stay as far away from Jonas Jones as she possibly could, boss or not.
CHAPTER THREE
LAWRIE WAS DETERMINED to be early.
‘Don’t be late’ indeed.
Even if she had gone to bed long after one a.m., and even if she had spent half the night lying awake in a frustrated tangle of hot sheets and even hotter regrets, there was no way she was giving him the satisfaction.
Besides, she might be in Trengarth, not Hampstead, and in her old, narrow single bed and not the lumbar-adjusted super-king-size one she had shared with Hugo, but it was nice to retrieve a little of her old routine from the wreckage of the last week.
She’d been up at six sharp, showered and ready to go by seven.
So why was she still standing irresolutely in the kitchen at ten past seven, fingering the scarf Jonas had bought her? It looked good teamed with her crisp white shirt and grey pencil skirt, softening the severe corporate lines of her London work wardrobe, and yet she didn’t want to give Jonas the wrong idea—come into work brandishing his colours.
She began to unknot it for the third time, then caught sight of herself in the mirror. Face drawn, anxious.
It’s just a scarf, she thought impatiently, pulling the door shut and locking it behind her. Not an engagement ring. She looked down at her left hand, the third finger bare—bare of Hugo’s exquisite princess cut diamond solitaire, of Jonas’s antique amethyst twist.
Two engagement rings before turning thirty. Not bad for someone who had vowed to remain independent. Her mother had been married three times before thirty; maybe Lawrie wasn’t doing so badly after all.
It was another beautiful day, with the sun already shining down from a deep blue sky completely undisturbed by any hint of cloud, and the light breeze a refreshing contrast to the deepening heat. This was Cornwall at its best—this was what she had missed on those dusty, summer days in London: the sun glancing off the sea, the vibrancy of the colours, the smell of grass, salt and beach. The smell of home.
Don’t get too used to it, Lawrie told herself as she walked along the lane—a brighter, far less intimate and yet lonelier walk in the early-morning light. This is just an interlude. It was time to start focussing on her next step, giving those recruitment agencies a quick nudge. After all, they’d had her CV for nearly a week now. She should have plenty of free time. How much work could organising a few bands be?
* * *
Five hours later, after an incredibly long and detailed hand-over by the sofa-bound Suzy, Lawrie was severely revising her estimate of the work involved. Just when had Wave Fest turned from a few guitars and a barbecue on a beach to a three-night extravaganza?
Walking back into Jonas’s office, files piled high in her arms, her head was so busy buzzing with the endless stream of information Suzy had supplied that Lawrie had almost forgotten the ending to the night before—forgotten the unexpected desire that had flared up so hotly, despite thinking about nothing else as Fliss drove her through the narrow country lanes to Suzy’s village home.
But walking back into the Boat House brought the memory flooding back. She had wanted him to kiss her.
It wasn’t real. This was Jonas Jones. She had been there, done that, moved on. Besides, Lawrie told herself firmly, she couldn’t afford any emotional ties. She was already mentally spinning this volunteer role into a positive on her CV. This could be the way to set her aside from all the other ambitious thirty-somethings hungry for the next, more prestigious role.
Volunteering to manage a high-profile project raising money for charity—an environmental charity, at that—would add to her Oxford degree and her eight successful years at an old City firm and she would be a very promising candidate indeed. She might even have her pick of jobs.
Only, Lawrie thought as she clasped the large, heavy files more firmly, negotiating contracts was a very different skill from organising a festival. She was used to representing multiple companies who thought they had first dibs on her time all the time, but at least there was uniformity to the work, making it simpler to switch between clients. This was more like running an entire law firm single-handed, handling everything from divorces to company takeovers.
There didn’t seem to be an aspect of Wave Fest that Suzy hadn’t been in charge of—that Lawrie was now in charge of—from budgets to booking bands, from health and safety forms and risk assessment to portaloo hire.
And there was a file for each task.
