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We’re closer now – close enough for me to catch her conversation. ‘Are you sure this is what you want?’ she exclaims, phone clutched to her ear. ‘It sounds like you’re being pressurised, love …’ I fiddle with my watch, wondering why a picture of a weight lifter has appeared on the screen. ‘For God’s sake, Alfie,’ she blurts out, ‘what about the nut roast?’
There’s more muttering, and just as I’m thinking, What d’you think you’re doing, eavesdropping on a stranger’s personal conversation? she finishes the call and shoves her phone into her bag. She stands there for a moment, staring out over the river as if trying to gather herself together, then strides on.
My watch bleeps again. I look down, still catching my breath but cooling rapidly now. Inexplicably, the word ‘Move!’ is flashing on the screen. It’s so bossy, this hideously expensive gadget. I couldn’t make head nor tail of its functions as I squinted at the instructions with the ant-sized print. But now I’m thinking: perhaps it is useful after all? Maybe, on top of monitoring my pulse rate and pace, it can sense my indecision and give me some indication of what to do next?
‘Move! Move!’ my watch commands me.
I move.
Chapter Six (#ulink_803f2f1b-2200-5ec7-8164-7dc8cd7f6931)
Nadia (#ulink_803f2f1b-2200-5ec7-8164-7dc8cd7f6931)
Well, that’s just great. Alfie, who has already delayed his homecoming by some days, isn’t spending Christmas Day with me after all. ‘You don’t mind if I spend it at Cam’s, do you?’ he just asked me, when I was expecting him to be rattling towards Glasgow on the train. Cam – Camilla – is his new girlfriend with whom he appears to be smitten.
Do I mind? Of course I bloody mind!
‘So when will I see you?’ I asked, feeling horribly needy as I marched along by the river. I only came down here because he called, otherwise I’d have headed straight home on the subway. Now I’m so agitated I’m just stomping along, trying to calm myself. But there’s no point in getting angry; I know that. He doesn’t care about the nut roast I’ve already made to take to my sister Sarah’s tomorrow.
In truth, I’m not entirely happy about this vegan business – especially as he let slip that Camilla happens to be vegan too. ‘Don’t make yourself anaemic just to impress her,’ I wanted to say when he declared his new dietary principles a few weeks ago – but I had the good sense not to. Instead, I merely suggested that he should read up on nutrition and treat it seriously. Of course I will, he retorted. I’m doing it properly, y’know. I’m not an idiot … Hmmm. I still wasn’t overly delighted. I’m sure veganism is fine, if you’re motivated enough to swot up on all the food groups and soak things for billions of years. I just couldn’t quite imagine my eighteen-year-old son, who used to virtually faint with delight at the sight of a steak, involving himself with pulses.
‘Aw, Mum, I’ll see you the day after Boxing Day, okay?’ he muttered a few minutes ago.
‘The day after Boxing Day?’ I exclaimed.
‘Well, there are no trains till then.’
‘I could come up and fetch you. How about that? Have Christmas with Camilla, and then I’ll drive up and—’
‘Yeah, but they have a massive party on Boxing Day,’ he continued blithely, ‘and Cam says it’s brilliant. Everyone brings musical instruments, there’s a whole jamming thing going on, it sounds mental. There’s so much food and drink, her dad saves his special wine for it and I really wanna be there for that.’ Ah, right. How fantastically fun. Clearly, the thought of us lot sitting around eating Twiglets and playing Pictionary can’t compare to Camilla and The Special Wine. ‘Your nut roast’ll keep, won’t it?’ he added, trying to placate me now.
‘I’m not sure,’ I huffed. ‘I’ll probably have to freeze it. It’s this gigantic boulder made from ground hazelnuts and about sixty-five other ingredients and it’ll take about three weeks to defrost.’
Alfie chuckled. ‘Sounds awesome, Mum …’ No, it didn’t. It sounded as if it’d have him hurtling to the lavatory. ‘So, I’ll see you on the 27th, all right?’ he added. ‘We’ll have a nice time then.’ Which felt like being offered the flat gold-wrapped toffee from the Quality Street tin after all the best ones have gone.
Never-fucking-mind, I think tearfully as I stride onwards now, my breath forming clouds as I exhale fiercely into the crisp evening air. I’m being silly, I know. It’s only Christmas, and Molly is home with me already; she arrived yesterday. But then so have her friends, so I’ve just seen her as a blur who’s darted in and clogged up the loo with an avalanche of paper before rushing back out again. She found me later, trying to unblock it with a wire coat hanger. ‘What’re you doing?’ she asked.
‘Panning for gold,’ I replied.
‘You’re pretty handy, Mum,’ she said, grinning. ‘Let me know if you find something we can sell.’
The thought of my daughter’s audacity lifts my spirits as I glance across the shimmering river. Christmas will work out okay, I tell myself. Perhaps I should be more like Danny, who never gets in a state about stuff like this; to him, the festive season merely represents an interruption to his work schedule. He spends time with the kids, and sometimes he even pops round to see me – minus Kiki, with whom I have a polite-but-distant relationship. She’s fine, actually. I only tend to see her occasionally, in passing, and apart from her obvious gorgeousness there’s absolutely no reason to feel iffy about her at all.
Anyway … sodding Christmas. It’s up to Alfie where he spends it, I guess, and I just want to kick back and enjoy the holidays with my family. I’ve been working flat-out lately, finishing jobs in the early hours, sometimes tumbling into bed when the birds had started to tweet outside. On top of the textbooks, I’ve completed a series of greetings cards, a travel guide to Scotland and a department store’s stationery range recently. When I finally cleared my workload, and with Molly and Alfie’s homecoming imminent, I scrubbed the flat from top to bottom (as if they’d notice and praise my efforts!). I even bought them new bed linen, as if they’ve been at sea for six months. I don’t plan to spoil our precious time together by moaning about their toast crumbs or tendency to lie in till noon, or constantly demand to know where they’re going and what time they’ll be home—
‘Hi! Excuse me?’
I stop and glance around. At first I’m not sure who called out, assuming it wasn’t directed at me anyway. But then I see a man in running gear striding towards me. As I pat my pockets instinctively, thinking I must have dropped something, and he’s kindly picked it up, it dawns on me that it’s him: the man I encouraged to buy numerous unnecessary products for his daughter.
Oh, God, he’s going to say he knew all along that I was a phoney! And he’ll ask me if I have any other hobbies, apart from impersonating the salespeople in Lush …
‘Hi,’ he says again, smiling hesitantly now as he approaches.
‘Hi,’ I say brightly.
He stops in front of me and wipes his brow with the back of his hand. ‘Erm, you probably don’t remember me, but you helped me in—’
‘Yes, I do remember,’ I cut in quickly as various thoughts dart around my brain, such as: Shall I admit I don’t work there, and how can I do so without sounding mad? And: How is it possible for a man to appear so attractive in jogging bottoms and a running top, all claggy with sweat?
‘Well, um,’ he says, ‘I just thought I’d say hi. Nice to see you again.’ He shuffles from foot to foot. ‘Guess you’re looking forward to your break?’
‘Er, yes. Yes, I really am.’ Because it’s exhausting, being trapped in the back room, slicing up soaps! I’m aware that my smile has set.
‘Pretty hectic in there, isn’t it? In the shop, I mean …’
‘It is, yeah.’ I laugh in a tell-me-about-it sort of way.
He looks up and down the riverside walkway and clears his throat. ‘So, erm, anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for helping me choose all those—’
‘Oh, it’s fine, really …’
‘Just doing your job, of course …’
‘Yes!’ I beam at him, wondering how my cheeks can possibly burn so hotly on a cold December night.
There’s a moment’s pause. ‘Er, so, are you heading straight home now?’ he asks.
‘Erm, yes, I s’pose I am.’
‘To wrap presents?’
‘All done …’
‘Well done you!’ We laugh awkwardly and look at each other, and now I’m thinking rather hopefully: yes, I am going home, but I don’t have to stay there all evening. I could come out later as Molly’s bound to be out again, and my son has chosen to be with his girlfriend whom he has known for all of five minutes instead of his family, and—
‘I hope you don’t mind me saying,’ he adds, ‘but you seemed a bit upset just then.’
Christ, he noticed? ‘Oh, that was just my son,’ I say quickly, ‘telling me he won’t be coming home for Christmas with me after all.’ I shrug.
‘Really? That’s a shame.’
‘The lure of the girlfriend. I suppose I don’t blame him really …’
‘Yeah. Hard for you, though …’
‘I’ll just have to manage without him.’ I smile, aware of that flat-toffee feeling ebbing away rapidly.
The man grins, rather shyly, and I sense that neither of us wants to move on. ‘Um, I don’t suppose you’d like to meet for a drink sometime?’ he asks, pushing back his sweat-dampened hair.
‘Oh.’ I realise I am beaming now, and wonder if he’s noticed the absence of a wedding ring – or perhaps it’s the way I said ‘Christmas with me’ and not ‘us’? ‘Yes, that’d be lovely,’ I say, even as I’m wondering what on earth I’m going to do about the Lush issue. How would I keep up the pretence, if he we did meet up? But what the hell – it’s just a drink he’s suggesting, and if the subject comes up, I’ll swerve him off it …
‘You’re not free later this evening, are you?’ he asks.
‘It’s Christmas Eve,’ I remind him.
‘Yes, it is.’ He gives me what I can only interpret as a hopeful smile.
‘Don’t you have plans?’ I say.
‘Um, well, my daughter’s at her mum’s tonight. Some friends of mine are meeting up later, but it’s nothing definite, nothing important, I mean …’ He pauses. ‘I’m Jack, by the way …’
‘I’m Nadia.’
So we agree to meet. I sense a surge of delicious anticipation as we exchange numbers and say goodbye, with me heading for the subway and Jack jogging home.
Back at the flat, I shower and blow-dry my hair, then rake through my wardrobe, dismissing pretty much everything as being either too scruffy or try-hard. Why don’t more outfits fall into the ‘middling’ category? Now, I’m wishing Molly was here, to vet my outfit (she just knows when things are right). But she’s out on the lash, as far as I can gather – she’s pocket-dialled me twice. All I could make out was a load of exuberant people shouting.
So I end up fishing out a dress that must be eight years old; mid-blue, bias-cut, hovering just above the knee and perhaps a tad dull – but at least it doesn’t scream ‘date’ and is infinitely flattering across my ample bottom and hips. Make-up is applied – twice, as I mess up my first attempt due to being in a fizzle of nerves. Finally, cutting it fine time-wise now, I am ready.
Christ, I reflect, checking my reflection once more: I am meeting a man I wasn’t set up with by my friends. He wasn’t picked for me in a well-meaning attempt to coax me ‘out there’ again; I chose him by myself. I have texted Corinne, who replied, simply, Yesss!! And then Gus, who sent me a selfie with an enthusiastic thumbs-up, captioned GET IN.
I virtually skip out of my flat and into the waiting taxi. And when I step into the thronging pub and see Jack waiting at the bar, all my hurt and upset over the nut roast seems to have miraculously disappeared.
Chapter Seven (#ulink_5468e632-5078-5368-81a3-bca09ab805f7)
Jack (#ulink_5468e632-5078-5368-81a3-bca09ab805f7)
My God, but she’s lovely. I’d thought she was gorgeous in her work clothes, all casual, but in her simple blue dress she really is something else.
‘Are you sure your friends won’t be missing you?’ Nadia asks as – miraculously – we find a tiny table tucked away at the back of the pub.
‘I’m sure they’ll cope without me,’ I tell her as we sit down. ‘So, what else would you have been doing tonight?’
She smiles. It’s a lovely smile: generous and open, but a little hesitant. Her eyes are an incredible shade of green, her skin glowing, her hair long, dark and shiny, falling around her shoulders in soft waves. ‘If Alfie had come home, we’d probably have watched some Christmas movies together,’ she explains. ‘We’d have cracked open the snacks – the nuts, the Twiglets, all the festive delicacies.’ She chuckles, and her eyes seem to actually sparkle, which does something peculiar to my insides. ‘We really know how to have a good time,’ she adds.
‘Alfie’s your son?’ I ask, unnecessarily.
‘Yes – he’s a twin. Molly, his sister, is home already, but I’ve hardly seen her. And Alfie’s spending Christmas at his girlfriend’s parents’ hunting lodge up in the wilds of Aberdeenshire …’
‘A hunting lodge?’ I repeat.
Nadia sips her white wine. ‘That’s kind of misleading. You’d think it might mean a little wooden shack out in the hills, wellies piled up at the front door …’
‘That’s exactly what I’d think,’ I agree, although I can’t say the subject has ever crossed my mind before.
‘Yes, well that’s what I assumed. Alfie keeps insisting they’re not that posh, but I managed to coax him into telling me the name of their place – this lodge – and of course I googled it immediately …’
‘Of course! Who wouldn’t?’
She chuckles. ‘Yep, well, it’s actually a Baronial mansion with twenty-four rooms and a dedicated annexe for falcons.’
‘Falcons. Wow.’
‘Someone’s specifically employed to be the falcon keeper. I mean, that’s all they do.’
‘They probably involve quite a lot of care and attention,’ I suggest.
She laughs and pushes a strand of hair from her face. ‘Sorry. I’m really going on. It’s the time of year, y’know. It’s all a bit … heady.’
‘I know what you mean,’ I say, thinking: heady is precisely the right word, and I want this kind of headiness to stretch on and on. I do hope she’s in no hurry to go home.
‘So, what are you doing for Christmas?’ she asks. ‘You mentioned your daughter …’
‘Yeah, Lori’s fourteen – she’s my only one – and me and her mum take it in turns to have her on Christmas Day.’ I grimace. ‘Have her. I mean, enjoy her delightful company …’
‘And this year?’ Nadia asks with a smile.
‘I’ll see her on Boxing Day when I’m back in town. I’m off to my parents’ first thing in the morning. They’re up in Perthshire, near Crieff but out in the country. They have a dairy farm …’
‘Is that where you grew up? You’re a farmer’s boy?’
‘That’s right.’ I smile, reluctant to bore her to death with my entire life history – although her interest seems genuine. ‘But I moved here when I was nineteen,’ I add.
‘Desperate to get to the big city,’ she suggests.
‘God, yes. No doubt I still smelt of the farm …’
Nadia flashes another smile. ‘Do your parents still have it?’
‘Yes, incredibly – they’re both seventy this year.’
‘Pretty young parents,’ she remarks.
I nod. ‘Yeah – they were still teenagers when Craig, my big brother, was born. He and his wife handle a lot of the day-to-day now.’
‘And there’s just the two of you? You and your brother, I mean?’
‘Erm, we had another brother,’ I murmur, ‘but there was an accident …’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry!’ Nadia exclaims.
‘A long time ago now,’ I say briskly; Christ, the last thing I want to do is heap all that stuff on this beautiful woman whom I’ve only just met. I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s Christmas Eve, she is utterly lovely and I’ve somehow swerved onto the subject of death … ‘So, how about you?’ I ask quickly.
‘Um, you mean … my background and stuff?’
‘Yes.’
‘God, where to start?’ She laughs, and her eyes meet mine, and there seems to be a kind of … moment between us. An understanding, perhaps, that we will talk about other, deeper things; not tonight, but later on, when we know each other better. Because there will be a later on, I’m sure of it already, and I sense she feels it too.
