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I thought she felt the same about me as well.
That she, too, had dreamt of that kiss.
We left the room and Pedro, her older brother, who was eleven, blocked our path; he had seen the kiss.
He came towards Carla, seized her roughly by her right arm and looked like he was about to hit her in the face. I intervened immediately to prevent him from hitting her but with a single punch to my abdomen he knocked the hero to the floor. Carla tried to help me but couldn’t, her brother gave her a slap and dragged her away. I saw him dragging her from my position on the floor. They disappeared from my view and I never imagined that would be the last time I would see her.
I still think of that day during my eternal sleepless nights, imagining what might have become of her, what fate awaited her, what destiny had in store for her. Where had she ended up?
Ten minutes later I got to my feet and ran to look for Carla but my aunt had already heard what had happened, blocked my path, took me by the arm and marched me forcibly to my bedroom. Once we were inside, she gave me such a beating that I did not sleep for the whole night.
VI
The next day they took me to a boarding school claiming that it was best for my education. That was just a pretext. It was a good way for them to get rid of me and simultaneously put some distance between Carla and me, as well as preventing my aunt’s husband from finding out her secret.
They put me in a black van. I looked up at her window. Maybe she was behind the tinted glass watching my departure in tears, bidding me farewell from afar.
I sensed that she loved me. Perhaps it was simply a delusion, a daydream, a hope. A hope that I needed to sustain myself with life. A life I already regarded as lost, but she was the dream, my reason to live, to see her again one day and kiss her lips once more.
We arrived at the boarding school which was not the least bit pleasant. The walls were stained, the floors were in a state and there was a tense atmosphere. Wire mesh fences four metres high and the presence of numerous security guards gave the place the appearance of the prison that in reality it was. A prison for my aspirations, a confinement of my soul, my dreams, my life, my love.
We were received by the headmistress, a woman very advanced in years. She was called Josefina. She was very sour, unpleasant, had never married and therefore had never had children. She didn’t want to admit me to the school because I still did not have my identity card since my birth had never been formally registered. Officially, I had neither a first name nor a surname. My aunt gave her some money and told her to call me “Lorenzo”. The old lady accepted.
We know that problems can always be resolved like that. Those tricky situations. Money is the king of humanity. Of that sick humanity that thinks money solves everything. It buys many things but it will never buy happiness, not true happiness. Money is power and my aunt was demonstrating it.
Once we were inside the boarding school, doña Josefina preached a long sermon at me that seemed like it was never going to end. I pretended to pay attention. She read me the rules of her institution, but I have forgotten them.
They gave me a uniform and I was ready for my first day of lessons with the PE teacher.
Miss Rosa was the youngest of the teachers at just seventeen years of age. She had long legs, raven black hair, honey-coloured eyes and an angelic face. She welcomed me with an enormous smile and hugged me as though we were old friends.
The lessons went smoothly and without incident, so much so that I began to feel at home. That night my classmates got together to prepare a welcome for me. Or so I imagined.
When I went into the dormitory, they all gathered round me. I was scared, I thought they were going to beat me up but no, they just hugged me without saying a single word and went to their beds. I felt good. I thought that finally I had found a good place to live. It wasn’t like that. Things were about to change.
VII
At midnight they woke me up with punches, undressed me and threw me in a bath of freezing cold water.
They all laughed and shrieked, ‘Welcome to hell.’
In that institution there was a group of pupils made up of ten classmates who ruled the roost. The gang’s leader was a boy called Sebastián and his second-in-command was Marcos Maldonado.
I endured midnight beatings for years and there was nobody at all to defend me.
Once I went to the headmistress but Sebastián was the son of a successful businessman who was a great friend of doña Josefina, people told me. I was almost beaten for making false accusations.
‘I only have one rule,’ she said, ‘Never lie because if you do I will take it upon myself to correct your bad habit.’
She told me this while brandishing a bullwhip.
They didn’t let me sleep at night. They hit me and made fun of me.
Only one child watched from a corner. A boy who seemingly did not want to involve himself in this sort of problem. A boy who was isolated from all the others, perhaps with psychological problems, a boy whom I met and saw again.
We were children but we seemed like adults. With no responsibilities and full of hatred. A hatred that consumes you and burns you inside and that only revenge can extinguish.
I had to look for somewhere else to sleep.
I needed to flee from Sebastián’s mob.
I found a bath to sleep in. It became my sanctuary.
VIII
I reached ten years of age and I realised things had to change. I wasn’t willing to continue being the pathetic punch bag who puts up with everything without complaint. I didn’t want to keep on being the butt of jokes by all the mediocre people around me.
I had to do something to make everyone start to respect me.
I took one of the tablets that the school doctor had prescribed me. Those tablets really helped me to relax and feel more certain of my decisions. I can’t remember what they were called but I do remember that they helped me.
I got everything ready for my revenge.
I went to the kitchen without anyone noticing.
The cooks had gone home.
After cleaning up they had two hours off. I knew that. I had studied their routine.
This was my chance.
I picked up the knife, took it to my dormitory and hid it under my pillow.
I was ready to kill Sebastián. I had it all planned. When he went to bed, I would stab him in the chest with the knife.
I went to the bathroom and waited.
I was nervous. I didn’t know if I would be brave enough to do it.
I was filled with hate. I had never killed, not even an animal. My courage was seeping away but I had to do it. I took another tablet to calm myself down.
Midnight struck and I went up to the dormitory trying not to make any noise.
I opened the door that never closed properly; it almost creaked but I didn’t let it. I took a step forward, managing not to trip over the shoe rack, and made my way towards Sebastián’s bed. He was fast asleep. I lifted my hand ready to plunge the knife into his chest but my courage deserted me, I couldn’t do it, I had a sudden attack of morality that wouldn’t let me do it, or perhaps I was just scared of what might happen.
I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t brave enough.
I put the knife away under my pillow and went to my sanctuary.
The next morning the cleaning lady found the knife in my bed and informed the headmistress.
The headmistress sent for me straight away.
I went into her office and found her waiting with the bullwhip in her hand.
She didn’t ask me what the knife was doing in my bed, nor did she let me speak. She just started to whip me so hard that I ended up in the boarding school’s sick bay.
I hated the headmistress and after that thrashing I just wanted to kill her, although she did me a favour in a way since in the sick bay at least I finally had a rest from Sebastián’s group and for once I could sleep in a bed with a blanket and a pillow, which I kissed imagining it was Carla.
I was discharged after five days.
I dressed in my uniform, picked up my school rucksack and headed for the classroom but there was nobody there, the chairs were tucked neatly under the desks, there were papers on the floor; it looked as though nobody had been there for a while. I went to look for my classmates and found them in the dormitory.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked Miss Rosa, who was crying.
‘Someone killed Sebastián! Someone killed him!’
This news didn’t have much effect on me as I hated him and the rest of my classmates.
‘Come here, Lorenzo,’ commanded the headmistress who had spotted my presence and the fact that I was smiling.
I approached her and she promptly frogmarched me to her office.
‘You killed Sebastián, didn’t you?’
‘No, I didn’t do it,’ I answered.
Sebastián’s chest had the kitchen knife stuck in it and as I had taken it five days previously she was perfectly entitled to think that I had taken his life.
‘You’re a murderer,’ she said.
‘I didn’t kill him.’
‘Then who did?’
‘I don’t know. How would I know?’
‘You had the knife. Why did you steal it?’
I didn’t reply.
‘Answer me. If you don’t answer me, I’ll give you another thrashing.’
I still didn’t reply.
She didn’t thrash me but she locked me in a room she called the punishment room, for incorrigible children, for rebellious children like me. I don’t know what happened outside, nor did I want to know. Fear overwhelmed me; being alone in that dark room, the darkness terrified me, I didn’t like being locked in. I think I suffer from claustrophobia. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t kill Sebastián.
Someone opened the door and the bright light prevented me from seeing who it was. When my eyes adjusted to the light I saw her, it was the headmistress, she was drinking a cup of coffee and looking at me closely.
‘What am I going to do with you, Lorenzo?’ she sighed as she sipped her coffee. ‘You are too troublesome and I am not willing to put up with you any longer, you don’t have anybody and I am not going to carry on looking after you.’
She looked me straight in the eyes as she drank another mouthful of coffee. Her look was a mixture of loneliness, bitterness and resentment built up over many years.
‘You are a problem child. Nobody wants you. You are a blight on society.’
Her words hurt and humiliated me but the worst thing was, they were true.
‘But I remember now that you do have someone.’
And then she stopped. She dropped her coffee cup and fell to the floor.
I didn’t understand what was happening or know what to do. She might have fainted or be dead – I didn’t want to find out. I ran from her office without knowing what had happened to the headmistress. Nobody would have believed my version anyway.
I ran all over the building looking for a gap in the bars that I could squeeze through but there was no chance of escaping. I was desperate, imagining myself locked up in jail for something I didn’t do. My head was spinning, I felt sick, I didn’t know what to do. I heard footsteps approaching rapidly and without a second thought I ran, looking for somewhere to hide. I found myself staring at my classmate’s coffin and realised that perhaps it was my only hope of escape.
There was no other way to get out of that place.
I remembered something the headmistress had said. ‘Only the dead get out of here.’
IX
The footsteps were getting closer and I decided to take Sebastián’s place. It was not pleasant but if the headmistress was right, then I would leave as a dead person.
I removed Sebastián’s body as quickly as I could, put it under a desk the teachers used and took his place in the coffin, putting my fear to one side.
Miss Rosa came in but she didn’t see me.
She walked towards the coffin.
My classmate’s parents had just finished the paperwork to remove their son’s body and give him a final farewell.
As they were wealthy people, it was all settled very quickly. There were no hitches.
The only thing pending was the threat of closing the place down because of what had happened.
Miss Rosa started to move closer to the coffin, intending to see her pupil one last time and say a last goodbye. She could have done it later – what was the hurry? I was worried she would see me.
I became frightened.
The teacher continued walking towards me. She was bound to discover me.
Standing next to the coffin, she raised her hand to lift the lid but she didn’t open it; instead she made sure it was shut properly.
‘We are ready whenever you wish, sir,’ interrupted Sebastián’s father’s servants.
‘Very well. Let’s go,’ he ordered.
They lifted the coffin onto their shoulders and Miss Rosa stood back to give the men room.
