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‘I have to tell you, Ellen, that a pregnancy could kill you,’ he’d warned. ‘The extra demands on your heart and circulatory system will make the condition much worse. I have to recommend that you think about being sterilised. The Pill is contraindicated in women with your condition, so it’s the only sure way of preventing a pregnancy.’
The words on top of her diagnosis had crushed her. All her life she’d longed for a family. A real family where there was love and approval and laughter. Could she bear to work as a midwife again, knowing that she would never hold her own baby in her arms? She didn’t know. All she could think of at the moment was the need to be with her grandmother. Like a wounded animal, she’d come looking to find shelter and comfort while she found a way to deal with the terror that filled her life.
Ellen forced herself back to the present. ‘Mum will never change, Gran. We both know that.’
‘Aye, but I can’t help hoping that one day she’ll realise what a wonderful daughter she has in you and how much she’s missing out on.’ Maggie sighed and touched Ellen on the shoulder. ‘Maybe I’m hoping for a miracle.’
Ellen took Maggie’s hand and squeezed it. ‘It’s okay, Gran. I accepted Mum’s career would always come first a long time ago. But she’s still my mother and I love her, whatever her faults. And anyway, I’ve got you. You’ve always been around for me.’
The two women shared a smile.
Ellen changed the subject. ‘But tell me about you. How’s the hip?’ Her grandmother’s joints had been giving her trouble, but so far she had refused point blank to go to the doctor. She had told Ellen that a few aches and pains were only to be expected, given her age.
Maggie dismissed her question with a shake of her head. ‘With Sean here to do the heavy stuff, I manage fine.’
Ellen suppressed a smile. Good old Gran. Never one to complain. Being with her was exactly what she needed right now.
‘When did he come back? Why didn’t you tell me he was here? All you said was that he was renovating his family home. You might have told me he was living in the gatehouse, and planning to stay.’
Maggie buttered a scone and placed it in front of Ellen. ‘And if I’d told you, would you have come?’
The soft words stopped Ellen in mid-bite.
‘What do you mean?’ Ellen concentrated on her tea, avoiding her grandmother’s searching look.
‘Because over the last eight years, if I mentioned Sean was here on holiday, you’d suddenly change your mind about coming to stay. You may have thought you were subtle about it but, well, you weren’t. I know how you felt about him when you were younger, Ellen. You were never very good at hiding your feelings. At least not from me.’
Ellen’s cheeks were burning. Had her feelings really been so obvious?
‘I did have a crush on him but that was a long time ago,’ Ellen retorted. ‘I’m a different person now and so, I imagine, is he.’
‘Well, that’s a shame. I think you two would make a lovely couple. That man needs someone to settle him down.’
‘He must have a girlfriend, surely?’ Ellen tried to ignore the surge of pleasure she felt at the realisation that Sean wasn’t married.
‘Oh, he’s had women. Plenty of them as far as I can tell. But none that seem to last.’
Gran looked at Ellen, a small smile playing on her lips. ‘And your crush on Sean has nothing to do with the fact you’ve never had a serious relationship?’
‘I’ve never had a serious relationship, Gran, because I’ve not met the right person yet. Besides, my work keeps me busy. I have friends, my hobbies, a whole life that I love …’ She tailed off as it hit her again that she didn’t know for how much longer she would have any of it. Whether Sean was in a relationship or not was immaterial, she wasn’t exactly in the market for a long-term relationship. A lump was forming in her throat and she swallowed hard. ‘So how long has Sean been here?’
‘For someone who’s not very interested, you sure ask a lot of questions!’ Maggie said with a smile of satisfaction. ‘Sean came back a few months ago. Took a post at the Royal Highland in the city. Said he wants to make his home here so he can be close to his beloved mountains. He’s the doctor with the Mountain Rescue Team, you know.’ Maggie sounded as proud as she would have been had Sean been her grandchild too.
Ellen hadn’t known that Sean was working here. Although she had thought about Sean a lot since that summer eight years ago when he had kissed her, she’d never expected to see him again. In fact, as her Gran had guessed, she’d done her best to avoid him. It all seemed so silly now.
Just then the door opened with a gust of wind and Sean strode in to the kitchen. He indicated to Maggie to stay sitting and walked over to the range and helped himself to a cup of tea before grabbing a scone from the table and wolfing it down in two bites. He was clearly at home here.
‘I’ve stacked the logs under cover and brought in a couple of baskets. Just give me a shout when you need more, Maggie.’
He eased his tall frame into a chair by the stove and eyed Ellen thoughtfully. ‘I hear you’re working as a midwife in London,’ he said.
‘I was. I mean I am. I’m taking a bit of a break for a few months.’
Sean frowned at her. ‘A break? For a few months? Why?’
It was a perfectly reasonable question. Just one she didn’t want to answer.
‘Personal reasons,’ she said tightly. She didn’t owe this man any explanations.
Getting to her feet, she forced a smile. ‘If you don’t mind, Gran, I think I’ll go upstairs and unpack. I’ll bring in the rest of my bags later. I didn’t want to risk not being able to get the car back out of the drive.’
Sean was on his feet almost before she’d finished speaking. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll do that for you. Can’t have you lying around in the snow again.’
He cocked an eyebrow at her and the glint in his eye sent more shock waves through her body. Damn. Was her body going to behave like this every time she was near him?
‘Would you? I’d appreciate that. It’s been a long day.’ A wave of tiredness washed over her and she swayed slightly. Almost without seeing him move, she felt a steadying hand at her elbow. She looked up to find quizzical blue eyes staring intently into hers.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Cool fingers were surreptitiously feeling the pulse at her wrist. He frowned and glanced at Maggie, but she had turned away to stack the dishes in the sink. ‘Pulse is fine.’ His hand moved to her forehead. ‘No temperature, but you are pale.’
‘Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t sort out,’ Ellen said brusquely.
Sean looked unconvinced but let his hands drop to his sides. ‘You’re probably right. I’ll look in on you later.’
It was the last thing she wanted. She had the uneasy feeling nothing much escaped him, and she was far away from letting anyone know her secret. Not when she could barely acknowledge the truth to herself.
She forced another smile, hoping that this one would be more successful. ‘Honestly. There is no need. Thank you anyway. Am I in my old room, Gran?’
‘Yes, darling. I aired the bed for you and put on a fire so you should be cosy enough.’
‘I’ll make us supper when I’ve had a rest,’ Ellen promised, and on legs that felt as if they were filled with liquid rather than bones, she left the room.
‘I’d better be going too, Maggie. I’ll reverse Ellen’s car down and bring in her bags first, though.’
‘What would I do without you, Sean?’
‘You’d manage fine. They don’t make them as tough as you any more. And now you have Ellen for company.’
Sean saw a flicker of worry in Maggie’s eyes. It wasn’t there for long, but it was enough. There was something going on here that wasn’t quite right.
‘Is Ellen okay? She looks … different … somehow,’ he asked.
‘It’s a long time since you saw her, Sean. What? Seven years?’
‘Eight.’
Not that he’d been counting. Ellen had been the pesky kid from next door who had hung around with him and his pals despite their best attempts to shake her. But, boy, she had changed. Eight years ago she had been all bones, an impish smile and red mop of wayward hair. She’d also had a disconcerting habit of getting into difficulty. If he remembered right, that last summer he’d had to fish her out of a pub when she’d got involved with some less than salubrious locals. And—the memories came thick and fast—ten years before that he’d had to jump into a stream to pull her out when she’d decided to try and mimic him and his friends as they’d used a rope to swing from one side to another. He’d had no idea she’d been following them. An hour earlier she’d been furious when he’d ordered her home and unbeknownst to him had followed at a distance. The memory made him smile. She’d been impossible, but he’d always secretly admired her courage and gumption.
But she had changed. Somewhere along the way she had become almost unrecognisable. Her prettiness had turned into an almost ethereal beauty. She was so pale her skin was almost translucent, and she was so slight, it seemed as if a strong blizzard would blow her away. It wasn’t just that, though. There was no light in her eyes, no spark of mischief, no smile, no look as if she were about to dissolve in a fit of giggles. And apart from that, she’d seemed almost cool towards him. He was only too aware of the crush she’d had on him; their last meeting eight years ago had left him in no doubt of that. Of course he wouldn’t expect her still to have feelings, but this nothingness? It wasn’t what he’d expected either.
‘Sean?’ He suddenly became aware that Maggie was watching him curiously. He gave himself a mental shake. The mystery of Ellen, if there was one, would have to wait. He was due back at the hospital for a ward round, he still had Ellen’s car to shift, and, after his earlier exertions, was in need of a shower. Ellen wasn’t going anywhere for the next couple of weeks at least, so he would have plenty of time to satisfy his curiosity.
Ellen stood a little back from the window, watching as Sean expertly reversed her small car down the driveway. She wondered if he remembered the last time they had seen each other. She hoped to hell not. Her cheeks still burned every time she recalled what an idiot she’d made of herself. She had practically thrown herself at him, virtually begging him to kiss her. And he had, but then, as she’d leaned into him, wanting more, he’d gently disentangled her arms from around his neck. She remembered every second of that kiss. Before it, she’d been waiting so many years for him to notice that she’d grown up. She had dreamt so many girlish dreams of what it would be like to have Sean Jamieson kiss her. It had been her last chance. He had been going to Glasgow to complete his training and she had been going to London to start hers. What an idiot he must have thought her. How cringe-makingly embarrassing, her gauche and increasingly desperate attempts to get him to notice her. Then she’d made up that stupid story and he had kissed her, and that had made her fall in love with him even more, if that was possible. When he’d removed himself from her arms, she had wanted to die from mortification. Not that he had laughed, although she was certain she’d seen laughter lurking in his eyes, or even suggested by word or gesture that he’d known how she’d felt about him, but he had been too much of a man of the world not to have noticed.
But that was a long time ago. What did it matter that once, eight years ago, she had made a fool of herself? These days it was hard to care about anything. Over these past weeks, all she’d felt was numb. Numb and frightened. So frightened some nights she could hardly sleep. Maybe instead of coming here to Gran, she should have gone to her mother? Maybe under these desperate circumstances Mum would have been able to comfort her, be the mother to her she’d never been when she was a child. Mother loved her. She just wasn’t able to invest any of her considerable energy into parenting her. She had always known that and until now it hadn’t mattered. She’d always had Gran. Gran had more than filled any gaps left by her mother. But Gran couldn’t fix this. No one could.
Ellen’s head was spinning. She had to stop thinking that anyone could help her. She had to pull herself together. Work out how she was going to live the rest of her life.
She looked out of the window. Sean had driven her car down the drive and was removing her suitcases from the boot. He disappeared from view and she could hear his deep voice coming from downstairs. She sighed. There was something so vital and solid about him that still drew her. As a child she’d always felt Sean was invincible and anyone in his sphere was automatically included in that invincibility. But she was no longer a child. And her problems were certainly of no interest to him.
As he stepped out of the door, something made him look up at her window. For a moment their eyes locked and everything spun into the distance. Breathless, she stepped back. Her heart was beating like a bass drum. Why? Any feelings for Sean Jamieson had disappeared with the girl she used to be. And even if there was something still hidden there, she was in no position to be even contemplating a love affair. That part of her life was over, finito. Not even a remote possibility.
With a sigh, she turned away from the window and set about finishing her unpacking.
CHAPTER TWO
A COUPLE of days later, Ellen came down to breakfast to find Sean sitting with his feet propped up on the range, munching on a bacon sandwich.
He stood up and grinned at her.
‘Good morning. I’m afraid I’ve been taking advantage of Maggie again.’
‘Wheesh now, Sean. You do more than enough for me, a wee sandwich is nothing.’ Maggie turned to Ellen. ‘Sean’s just got back from a night on the mountains. I happen to know he doesn’t keep much in that larder of his so I told him that he wasn’t going home until I had fed him.’
Ellen helped herself to tea from the pot and took a slice of toast from a heaped plate. She wasn’t hungry but if she didn’t have something Maggie’s suspicions would be aroused and she would give her no peace until she had wheedled information out of her. As it was, her grandmother had spent the past couple of days trying to tempt Ellen with home baking, complaining that women weren’t meant to be so thin.
‘What happened?’ Ellen asked Sean.
‘We had a climber with a broken leg about halfway up the mountain. We found him easily enough but the rescue ‘copter couldn’t land because of poor visibility. These boys take chances and they nearly came to grief trying to get a winch down, but in the end they had to back off. It took the six of us almost eight hours to get the stretcher down the mountain.’
It was all said matter-of-factly but Ellen knew that conditions must have been horrendous. It hadn’t stopped snowing since she’d arrived and last night there had been strong winds too. However, looking at Sean, no one would have guessed he’d been out all night. Apart from a five o’clock shadow, which Ellen decided suited him, he looked more refreshed than she felt.
‘Is the casualty going to be okay?’
‘I expect the hospital will discharge him later today once they’ve put him in plaster,’ Sean said. ‘My biggest worry was hypothermia, but we managed to keep him warm enough.’
Sean stood up and stretched lazily. As he did so, his sweater rode up, revealing the dark hairs on his lower abdomen. To her dismay, Ellen felt a strange buzzing sensation go through her. Wasn’t her crush on him well and truly a thing of the past and didn’t she have enough on her plate without reacting to Sean Jamieson? On the other hand, after the past two weeks, when she hadn’t been able to think of anything except her illness, it was a welcome relief to realise she was still functioning as part of the human race and that she could still feel something.
‘I should go into town and get some supplies,’ Sean said. ‘I can see from the way your car is hidden by the snow, Ellen, that you haven’t been anywhere. You could come with me if you like.’
‘Thank you, but no.’
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, child, you haven’t been out of the house these last two days,’ Maggie scolded. ‘As long as you wrap up, a bit of fresh air will put some colour in those cheeks. And, besides, we do need some things from the shop. If the snow carries on like this we may well be snowed in and I’m not sure we have enough in the larder to keep us going.’
‘But Sean must be tired,’ Ellen protested. ‘And what about work?’
‘I’m used to doing without sleep. I’m on call tonight so I have the morning off.’
‘Okay, then,’ she said reluctantly. She didn’t want to be alone with Sean but she could hardly refuse to get some shopping for her grandmother.
Sean and her grandmother shared a look. Ellen realised she had sounded rude and ungrateful. Sean was only being polite. He wasn’t to know that she didn’t trust herself to spend any more time with him than was strictly necessary.
She made herself smile. ‘Thanks for the offer, Sean. I really don’t fancy having to dig my car out.’
‘Good. I want to check up on one of my patients, though. If you don’t mind, perhaps we can call in at the hospital on the way back? It’s sort of on our way.’
Alarm spiralled down Ellen’s spine. She didn’t want to go into the hospital. She most certainly didn’t want to go to the maternity ward. She simply wasn’t ready yet. She forced the panic away. She could stay in the car. He couldn’t make her go inside. She was getting het up over nothing.
‘If you give me a couple of minutes,’ she said, knowing she didn’t have the energy to argue with both Sean and her grandmother, ‘I’ll go and change into something warmer.’
‘So how long do you think you’ll be staying?’ Sean asked as they drove along the narrow roads made even narrower by the drifting snow piled up on either side. Her grandmother’s croft house was around ten miles from the city centre and all the major supermarkets. Although there was a village within walking distance, it only stocked the basics.
Ellen looked out of the window. She had no idea how long she was going to stay. She hadn’t thought that far. The need to come to her grandmother’s house had been overpowering and instinctive. She had asked for and been granted three months’ leave by the hospital where she worked. One day she’d have to decide what she was going to do, she certainly couldn’t live with her grandmother indefinitely, at least not without working, but every time she thought about going back to her empty flat in London and the midwifery unit, a sick feeling washed over her. Perhaps she could get a job in the village? In one of the shops maybe?
‘I’m not sure. A few weeks, maybe longer. I haven’t made up my mind.’
The look Sean shot her was full of curiosity. She didn’t want him to ask her any more questions, so she changed the subject. ‘How is your family?’
‘Mary and Louise moved to Ireland so my parents sold up and bought a house there. Patricia’s in Australia with her husband. My mother hates not being near my siblings, especially now that they have children of their own,’ Sean said. ‘She and my father go out to Australia for three months every winter—they’re there at the moment, in fact. My mother has six grandchildren now, so she’s blissfully happy.’
‘Gran told me that they’d moved to Ireland.’ Mary, Louise and Patricia were Sean’s sisters. Ellen wasn’t surprised his parents had followed their children to Ireland. The Jamiesons had always been a close family unit. The opposite from her family in every way possible. ‘It seems strange not to be going straight over to your mum’s house to say hello, like I always did.’
‘What about your mother?’ Sean asked. ‘I read articles by her in the British Medical Journal almost all the time. She has quite an international reputation. You must be proud of her.’
‘I am,’ Ellen said simply.
‘And she must be proud of you.’
Ellen smiled wryly. ‘I wouldn’t go as far as that. Mum wasn’t exactly happy when I told her I wanted to be a midwife. She thought my choice of career was second best and that with my grades I should be studying medicine. Now that would have made her proud.’
Sean sent her another sharp look. He wasn’t to know that it was her hero-worship of him that had given her the idea to pursue a career in maternity. She’d loved hearing his stories of drama in the maternity unit when he was a trainee. But it wasn’t hero worship that had kept her in the job. She knew she had found her vocation from the first moment she’d stepped onto the midwifery unit and, when she’d delivered her first baby, it had only strengthened that conviction. Now she didn’t know if she would ever be able to bring herself to return to the job she had once loved and she despised the weakness in herself.
‘If your mother knew you at all, she wouldn’t have wasted her breath trying to persuade you to change your mind. It was obvious to everyone, apart from her, that you were a determined kid.’ The smile on his face made Ellen wonder if he was remembering the time down by the river.
Before Ellen could think of a response to this, Sean’s phone rang and he pulled over to answer it. Forced to listen to his side of the conversation, it only took her a few moments to realise something was wrong.
‘I’ll be right there,’ Sean said, and disconnected. He turned to Ellen. ‘I’m sorry, but the trip to the shops is going to have to wait. That was the labour ward. They’ve had a call from one of our patients. She’s in labour but can’t get to the hospital. She lives in a croft house way off the beaten track and with the recent snow, the ambulance hasn’t a chance in hell of getting to the house.’ He rubbed a hand across his chin. ‘They’ve called in the RAF but they might not be able to get there in time. Besides, we’re closer and this vehicle can handle most conditions.’ While he was talking he had turned the car back in the direction they’d come. ‘I’m afraid you’re going to have to come along for the ride. Come to think of it, it’s good you’re here. I might need help.’
A bubble of panic rose in Ellen’s chest. He had no idea what he was asking of her. How could she tell him that there was no way she could help deliver his patient’s baby? She was barely holding it together as it was, how would she manage if she had to hold a baby in her arms? But what other option did she have?
She tucked her shaking hands under her thighs lest Sean notice. So this was it. Before she was ready and before she had a chance to prepare herself, she was going to have to deal with a baby.
There was no way she could refuse. Not when someone was in trouble.
‘Is this her first?’ she asked, pleased her voice didn’t betray her anxiety. ‘What’s the problem?’
‘Yes, it’s her first. She was due to be admitted for an elective section next week. Her baby is breech. We tried to turn it around at 37 weeks, but failed. Damn. Perhaps I should have insisted that she come in earlier but she was determined to stay at home for as long as possible. On top of that, her husband works on the oil rigs and hasn’t been able to get home because of the weather. To cap it all, she has an elderly mother with early Alzheimer’s and she didn’t want to leave her on her own for too long.’
Ellen felt a pang of sympathy. It seemed she wasn’t the only one whose life had been turned upside down. Maybe concentrating on someone else’s problems was just what she needed. Oh, God, please give her the strength to cope with the next few hours.
