Confessions of a Kinky Divorcee

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‘You’re a poet and you don’t know it,’ I say. (Terrible rhyme. Shoot me now).

‘You’re insufferable,’ he tells me, but he’s smiling a little, and his gaze softens thoughtfully as he cups the side of my jaw. ‘I’ve been trying to find a woman like you for a very long time.’

Bingo, Kitten. I beam away. ‘In that case,’ I add, ‘you won’t mind if I take a rain-check on the staying over?’ I explain that I haven’t been with a man since my husband dumped me, and Guy’s immediate response is to pull me into a hug. Totally unexpected from Mr Suave! ‘Of course I understand,’ he says, gently. ‘I’m sorry if my sex-patter makes me seem like a bastard. I can be very patient, I promise.’ And just as I get a lump in my throat, because I can’t remember how long it’s been since a man was actually sweet to me, I find he’s taking my face in his hands and kissing me on the mouth – it’s a soft-firm smoulder of a kiss that tastes of Thai ice cream. It’s been years since someone kissed me with such hunger and affection. And phew, I tell ya, I could get used to this, Kitten! I enjoy it so much that when he pulls back I must look like an idiot with my gob hanging open and my eyes all bugged. He smiles before lifting my hand and kissing it. ‘Promise you’ll take that taxi,’ he says. And, before I know it, he’s walking away.

I get a cab home, and when I arrive there’s a woman sitting on my doorstep in nothing but a loosely buttoned shirt that only just covers the tops of her thighs. She’s petite and tanned, with a black Cleopatra bob, and she’s smoking a cigarette with her slender legs crossed. At her side is a saucer – from my rambling rose set! – filled with cigarette butts. She’s clearly been out here a while. She’s a stunning girl and I’m transfixed for a while before realising the front door is ajar. I’ll bet the hallway is filling with smoke – it’ll take me a year to get that out of the curtains.

‘Hi,’ she says, on an exhale. ‘You must be Deborah.’

‘And you’re Lil,’ I say.

‘Jackpot,’ she says, turning her gaze away. And you know, I don’t like her, Kitten. She’s sullen, this one. To a girl with that kind of attitude, eye-rolls come as easy as pie.

‘We don’t smoke in this house,’ I say.

She sighs, slowly raising her gaze. ‘That’s why I’m outside.’

I ask where Janey is and she says, ‘How should I know?’ before drawing on her cigarette again and saying, ‘Look, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude. We’ve fought is all.’ She watches me as she rises to her feet and shakes my hand. Her fingers are slender and cold. ‘Janey’s watching a movie. Her kind of movie.’

‘Right,’ I say. ‘Well, I’m sure you’ll sort it out.’

‘Oh,’ she says, ‘I’m sure I will.’

On the way in, I make a point of closing the door. And you know what, Kitten? I don’t bother to do it quietly.

In the living-room, Janey is asleep along the brown leather sofa, in the most lovely nightwear I’ve ever seen. Her tiny shorts are made of grey silk with polka dots all over them, and her matching top has spaghetti straps – one of which has slipped down her arm – and a trim of black lace. On the TV, a film plays along. There are gunshots and witty quips, but I take no notice. All I can see is this beautiful girl curled up on her side, an arm draped over the edge of the couch, loosely holding the remote control. Her skin is white as a pearl and, with her legs bent up towards her belly, her tiny shorts can’t quite contain her buttocks. Honestly, they’re so smooth and tight and curved that all I can think of is running my hands up her thigh and exploring that beautiful behind. And there’s something so miraculous about the past few days – what with Guy asking me out, and Janey moving in – that I go a little zany. Down I sit on the sofa next to her, and, leaning over the bottom half of her body, I gently stroke a loose strap back into place. She doesn’t even stir, though her breath changes a little and she makes a tiny moan.

Oh, dear God! Burning to touch more of her, I whisper, ‘Janey?’ and when I get no response I rest a hand on her waist. When this doesn’t wake her, I slide my palm round the dip of her hip, down to her perfect buttock, and I gently stroke her there, exploring the tight flesh. Oh, Kitten! I’m an abuser! I’m guilty of assault! But my pussy is burning so powerfully as I stroke and explore that I can’t seem to stop, and Janey lets out more little moans of pleasure – obviously she thinks I’m Lil. And she even whispers, ‘Oh, God, spank me,’ as she rolls onto her front – and even though it’s nothing more than a dreamy murmur, I’ve never felt so turned on in my whole darn life, especially when the flimsy shorts ride up between her bum cheeks and I can see her buttocks perfectly, rounded and ready.

Now, thank heaven you’re only a notebook, Kitten, because what I did next is dreadful. But I promised to tell you everything, so here goes. I part my knees and slip my fingers up between my thighs and rub myself through my lacy knickers as I imagine slapping Janey’s bum. Just the thought of her lying across me while I lay right into her, making her eyes brighten as she claws my skirt, crying, ‘Yes, yes, yes,’ is enough to make me come in mere seconds, arching and groaning as the orgasm swallows me.

As I collapse back, stunned at myself, I hurriedly try to make myself decent, but Janey is still sleeping, thank God. So I sneak away, devastated at what I’m turning into. Tonight I said no to a man who actually wanted to bed me, and came home to assault my twenty-three-year-old tenant.

I’m turning into a pervert. And I need to take action right now.

So upstairs, in my bedroom, I tell myself, ‘Never again,’ and I vow that, tomorrow, I’ll make plans to meet Guy for dinner and this time we’ll screw one another. Then I won’t think of assaulting Janey Prince again because Guy is a man with a cock – and men with cocks are the only thing I’m into. Really, deep down, I’m a man’s kind of girl.

2.30 a.m.

I can’t sleep, Kitten. All I want is to touch my poor pussy, thinking of Janey’s buttocks. But that’s as bad as touching her again without her permission. And I’m not going to do that, I promise, Kitten. This shoe shop manager had a strange, twisted blip, but she’s committed to becoming respectable again. And so, Kitten, goodnight.

Chapter Four

In His Shoes

Wednesday, 7 March

Dear Kitten,

Today was – and still is – grey and rainy. And who buys shoes on a rainy day? Answer: an elderly woman who has a funeral to dress for and shakes her stick when you suggest court heels. I thought elderly people were usually polite, but since I’ve been working at Pussyfoot I’ve met all types. So, by the time lunch break came, I was relieved to meet Gladys for lunch at the Spring Onion Café. It’s our favourite place because it’s never too crowded – plus their baked potatoes are to die for. Turns out, Gladys is making the most of reverting to being a meat-eater by stuffing her face full of sausages, no less. ‘You’ll starve,’ she tells me as I dip into my baked potato. ‘You need some extra weight,’ she says, glancing at my waistline.