Beyond Desire

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“I’m planning to ask for an hour off this afternoon,” Jerzy explained. “Oh, yeah,” he said, as though in afterthought, “you aren’t planning to sell the factory, are you?” Marcus stopped raising the window, and turned toward his trusted small-strings expert.

“Of course not. Why do you ask?”

“A man came here just after you left yesterday asking about inventory, profit, outstanding debt and a lot of other things that I told him were none of his business. If you aren’t planning to sell, how’d he get the nerve?”

“Beats me. But I’ll check on it. Let me know if you see him around.” Marcus could hardly wait for his bank to open. He called Allen Baldridge, the president, and learned that it was the bank’s policy to list large mortgages on commercial property in the hope of unloading them if the debtor defaulted. The bank had already had several offers for Marcus’ mortgage, but had refused in view of its long relationship with the Hickson family. However, in the event of a default, the bank would sell to the highest bidder.

Marcus reflected on that news for a while after hanging up. His father and the man with whom he’d just spoken had been roommates at Morehouse College and as tight as peas in a pod. When you had your hand out, he recalled, you didn’t have friends in high places, only some big shots you’d once known who now considered themselves your superior. He’d show them; he’d work that much harder to repay that bank loan. It wouldn’t be without a struggle, and he hadn’t thought it would. Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars of debt plus what he considered exorbitant interest was an enormous short-term load for any small business. His stomach tightened with uneasiness. He had mortgaged his house and his business, sold his car, Steinway and Stradivarius, given up his credit cards and left himself with nothing but his clothes and his tools. In the end, he’d given up his freedom. But if Amy walked again, he’d have no regrets. He realized for the first time that he could easily lose the fruits of twelve years’ hard work. Everything he had.

Three hours later, emotionally drained from grappling with the problems he faced, he put the felt on the last hammer of a concert grand and looked over at an employee working near him. “Let’s go out for coffee,” he said to the man. “If you feel as old as I do right now, you can use a pick-me-up, too.” Surprised that his boss would take a mid-morning break, the man raised both eyebrows and started for the door.

Amanda awoke early the next morning to discover that Marcus had already left. She decided that he’d probably done that to prevent her from giving him breakfast, and that was just as well. When he was untangling her hair, he had suggested that she might have tried to seduce him, and she couldn’t help laughing at the idea, wishing she knew how. He had been the seducer, and she figured that if he were as clever as he seemed, he’d know that. She dressed in a navy, ruffled skirt and pink peasant blouse and went to the hospital. Anyone who knew her situation would consider her reckless, but she was beyond caring. After reading the second chapter of a novel to a patient with impaired vision, she made her way to the children’s ward, where she identified herself as a volunteer—which she was—and asked directions to Amy’s room. She found the child looking listlessly out of the window, ignoring the other children in the four-bed room. She gave Amy a cone of vanilla ice cream that she’d gotten from the vending machine and asked her whether she’d like to read some stories. To her surprise, the child’s eyes sparkled excitedly at the prospect of reading stories. Amanda read Winnie the Pooh to her, talked with her for a bit and promised a return visit. She had liked Amy, an attractive, bright child, and wanted to see more of her, but she decided not to tell Marcus that she had met his daughter.

Walking down State Street later, after having bought her first maternity clothes, she passed a toy store and couldn’t resist the yellow floppy-eared bunny that gazed beady-eyed at her from the window. Amy hadn’t had a single toy, so she bought it for her, ignoring the warning that sounded from both her conscience and her common sense. She walked briskly up State Street, humming an old tune, feeling happy and even lighthearted, in anticipation of her Sunday visit with Amy while Marcus worked at his factory in Portsmouth.

“Morning, Sam. Lovely Saturday morning, isn’t it?” She hadn’t seen him for weeks and had wondered about him. She couldn’t imagine State Street without Sam with his archaic four-wheel trash cart, battered hat and highly polished, though worn shoes. She stopped, as always, to greet him, and his black, weathered face immediately became wreathed in smiles.

“Mighty glad to see you feeling better, Miss Amanda.” Sam always called her “Miss Amanda,” which was the Southern custom even if a woman was married. He leaned against his old trash cart and peered at her. “Last time I see’d you, you was a mite troubled. I said prayers for whatever it was that was bothering you.”

Deeply moved at his caring, Amanda reached out to touch his bony shoulder and then, on impulse, leaned over and brushed a kiss on his unshaven cheek. “Oh, Sam, I was troubled, but your prayers must have worked.” It was rare that anyone stopped to talk with Sam, and she realized what her brief greetings meant to him. She told the stunned, happy old man, “Since I last saw you I got married. My name’s Hickson now, and next year I’m going to be principal of the junior high school. Thanks for the prayers.” She waved him goodbye as he ducked his head, but not quickly enough to prevent her seeing the old man’s tears.

Amanda looked at her watch. Marcus wouldn’t be back in Caution Point for another four hours, so she could go back to the hospital and take Amy the bunny. She had enjoyed the little girl’s enthusiasm and warmth and couldn’t wait to see her expressions of delight when she gave her the stuffed animal. She went directly to the child’s room and found her in a deep discussion with Winnie the Pooh, lecturing the imaginary little bear about his bad habit of sticking his nose in honey. Amanda couldn’t resist a laugh, and she thought her heart would burst when Amy’s face blossomed in smiles at the sight of her.

“Lady! I thought you were coming tomorrow.” She walked over to the bed, and when Amy raised both arms to her, leaned over and hugged her.

“What’s in that package, Lady?” Precocious little thing, aren’t you, Amanda mused. She handed her the package, sat down in the nearby chair and watched in awe at the child’s patience; in all her years as a teacher, she’d never known a child to unwrap a package with such care. She supposed pain would do that to a child, but this one showed no ill effects of her ordeal; bright, happy and bubbling with energy, Amy had the personality of a child who had known deep love and caring and who expected to be loved. If anyone knew how much Marcus loved his child, she did. Excitement that dissolved into shivers coursed through her at the memory of his passion and, though she fought the image, in her mind’s eye, she saw him as a lover. Her lover. She forced her attention to the little girl, hoping to banish Marcus from her thoughts, but she could have saved herself the trouble. Amy was Marcus incarnate, with the same curly black hair and honey-brown eyes.

“Lady! Lady! Is it mine? I love him. I love him.” Her squeals brought a nurse running to the room. In answer to Amy’s question, the nurse assured the child that she could keep the bunny. Amanda didn’t doubt the difficulty the nurse would have had if she hadn’t allowed it.

“Thanks,” Amy said, wearing the famous Hickson smile. “I’m going to name him Peter.” Amanda left immediately, in spite of Amy’s pleading; she couldn’t risk Marcus’ arriving early and finding her there.

Marcus stared unseeing at the console in front of him. He had been working on that piano for hours, and he might as well have been in Caution Point; he hadn’t done anything right. Normally, he would have had those hammers positioned within an hour; he was, after all, a master craftsman. But not today. On that Sunday morning, his mind was not on his work; it was on Amanda Ross Hickson and their torrid kiss a few nights earlier. Why couldn’t he keep a level head around her? What was it about her, he mused, that made him lose sight of things that were so important to him? And why couldn’t he have found a way to call a halt to it without making her feel as though she might have done something wrong? He’d been gentle, but he suspected that she’d felt hurt nevertheless. She hadn’t been the one to start that…that heated kiss. He groaned. He didn’t want to think of it. He’d been married, and he had known other women, as well, but he couldn’t recall ever having a woman respond to him the way she had. She hadn’t cared about anything, except her need of him. Only him. He got up and walked around, trying to shake off the sensation, the feeling that her scent and warmth still surrounded him. He had never known a woman like Amanda, but he knew that if ever she was in his arms in his bed, she would give him everything and drive him wild in the process. He swore loudly as the telephone interrupted his woolgathering.

“Hickson. We’re closed today.”

“If you’re closed, what are you doing there?”

“What’s up, Luke?” Luke explained that he’d called Marcus at home and learned from Amanda that he was at the factory.

“How about meeting me for lunch? River Café all right with you?”

“Yeah. Twenty minutes.”

“Why so long? It’s only around the corner from you.”

“Yeah. Right.” He hung up. He loved his only brother, but he was not keen on seeing him right then. Luke was the most perceptive person he had ever been around and had been able to read him accurately even when they were growing up.

Marcus didn’t remember having seen River Café almost empty at noon, but this was the first time he’d been in the place on Sunday. The thought that he might be out of step with most of Portsmouth’s working men didn’t give him a feeling of virtuousness; instead, he suddenly felt tired. When would it end? They found their favorite table, sat down and ordered beer.

“Why are you working on Sunday?” Luke asked. Marcus told him of his conversation with his bank’s president, adding that he regretted having taken out all of his loans with one bank and paying them off would be a Herculean job.

“Don’t blame yourself, Marcus; our grandfather banked there. If that’s Baldridge’s policy, I’ll move my account. What kind of contingency plans do you have if you can’t make those payments?”

“I’ve got an order to repair a priceless seventeenth-century harpsichord. As soon as I get all the parts I need, I’ll start on it. I’ve placed orders with master craftsmen in London and Leipzig. When that job is finished and when my suit with the insurance company liable for Amy’s injuries pays up, I’ll be in the clear. Otherwise…” He threw up his hands. “It’s anybody’s guess.”

“When is the hearing on your claim or have you decided to settle out of court?”

“I’m going to court, but I’m having trouble getting my suit on the docket.” He added that his lawyer was working on it.

“Good. I may be able to call in some favors, if you have trouble with it.”

Marcus nodded his thanks. He looked around for a waitress, saw one who wore a short tight skirt and had streaks of yellow in her black hair, reminding him of Iris Elms. He told Luke of his conversation with her.

“She’s a source of trouble, Luke.”

Luke nodded. “I’ll say she is. Have you told Amanda?”

Marcus shook his head. “No. She almost panicked when I told her the old man might try to take the child. I hate to upset her with this.”

“I don’t agree with you. That’s a fox in the henhouse. Amanda is that woman’s boss. You have to warn her.”

“I’ll tell her to watch her back, and I’ll do what I can to protect her, but I’m not going to alarm her unnecessarily.”

“Yeah. Well, if you need me…” The waitress arrived. Luke ordered pan-fried Norfolk spots (a small sweet fish) with hush puppies, and Marcus settled for Cajun fried catfish, French fries and coleslaw. They each ordered another beer.

The waitress didn’t seem anxious to leave. Finally she asked, her tone flirtatious, “Anything else?”

Marcus groaned in disgust, but Luke seemed to think it funny. “Not at noon, honey,” he said, winked and dismissed her. Then he turned to his brother. “What’s eating you, Marcus? And don’t say that nothing is. You can’t even appreciate a little harmless flirtation.”

“I’m a married man.”

Luke snorted. “Really? You’ve consummated this marriage? Congratulations. That’s the best news I’ve heard since we got the result of Amy’s operation. By the way, how is Amy?”

“Amy’s doing great, and my marriage is still one of convenience. Don’t push me, Luke. I’m not in the mood for it.”

“How are Amanda and Amy getting along?” Marcus had low tolerance for Luke’s meddling, but he knew Luke didn’t care. Lately, his older brother seemed to regard their six-year age difference as a license to interfere in his affairs.

“They haven’t met.” There was no point in hedging.

Luke narrowed his eyes. “You haven’t taken Amanda to meet her stepdaughter? Are you out of your mind?”

“I told you not to push. I’m not going to expose Amy to any unnecessary unhappiness. When this year is up, I’m coming back here, and Amanda will be staying in Caution Point. I don’t intend to have Amy’s heart broken. This marriage is a bargain, and I plan to treat it like one.”

“I’m astonished that you can live in the house with a woman like that one, talk to her, eat with her, joke and tease with her and keep your hands off of her. You are keeping your hands off her, aren’t you?” It wasn’t a fair question and it irritated Marcus, because Luke knew that he wouldn’t lie.

“Well, aren’t you?” Marcus knew that his silence was worth a thousand words. Not only had he had his hands on her, but he couldn’t swear that he would refrain from doing it again. He looked at his all-seeing brother and slowly shook his head.

“She gets to me, Luke, like no other woman I’ve ever known. I know I haven’t given her a fair shake. She gives, and I take. She offers everything, and I’m offering her nothing because I don’t have anything to offer. The only time I’ve felt in control, felt comfortable and at times even contented in this situation was when she fell in the bathtub and needed me. And I was there for her, because I wanted to be, because I needed to be. But I had to back off. She’s carrying another man’s child, and all of a sudden I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t intend for this to be a marriage, but the other night I came pretty close to making it one. I initiated it, but after I got myself in line, I might have made her feel bad. I don’t know. I hope not.”

Luke laid a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “And it’s eating away at your conscience. Why are you so afraid to care for her? If you’d talk with her about the circumstances, as I did, you’d be more understanding and less wary. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to tell you this, Marcus, but she was a virgin, a thirty-nine-year-old virgin, and the guy showed so little regard for that fact that she had to be treated in the hospital emergency room. She told me that the night I spent with the two of you, and I checked her story. She got there in bad shape.”

Marcus brought his head up sharply, as he sucked in his breath, pulled air through his teeth and released a stinging profanity. “Too bad he’s not around. I would have loved to smash his face.”

“Marcus, go home and look at what you have there. Amanda isn’t a shell of a person like Helena. I told you before you married Helena that she was too self-centered, that she wouldn’t be able to handle the demands of marriage. You loved her, and that was what she wanted—constant admiration. She enjoyed the glamour of being seen with you, of other women envying her. Good-looking woman with good-looking man. Amanda is different, very different, and you know it. There is great depth to her. Real substance. And you’re not going to forget her just because three hundred and sixty-five days have elapsed. You won’t ever forget her. Legally and for all practical purposes, it’s your child she’s carrying. It will bear your name and call you father, and you will always want to know how it’s getting along. Always. Like it or not; those are the facts. And don’t forget that she’s given your Amy a new life; you can’t do any less for her child.”

Marcus nodded as the bright light of knowledge penetrated his mind, and he mulled over words that found their mark and pitched him into distress. “I know all of that, and you know very well that I’ll do the right thing by her. What bothers me is that I don’t have any viable options. The chemistry between us is so strong. Most couples go through a process of getting to know each other, having the attraction between them grow, mature. We started backward with both of us at a disadvantage and with a powerful mutual attraction.” Luke nodded. Marcus knew that Luke had seen it for himself the night that he had slept at their home.

Marcus spoke reluctantly, unaccustomed to sharing such intimacies, even with his brother. “A man wants to protect and care for his woman but, from the outset, I couldn’t have that role. And I don’t want to be married again. I won’t risk it. Not ever. Amanda is a born mother hen and a special woman, but what she wants from a marriage is the whole nine yards. I don’t blame her. It’s her right. But not with me, and I’m going to get out as soon as I can. I’m just going to try not to hurt her anymore. She doesn’t deserve it.” His sigh must have exemplified all that he felt, his hurt and longing, for Luke stared at him. Then he added, “But she’s sweet, Luke. God, she’s so sweet.”

His thoughts of that conversation still plagued him the following afternoon when he went to the hospital, something that he no longer dreaded.

“Hi, Daddy. Do you know about Winnie the poop?”

Marcus beamed at the love of his life. He hadn’t thought that he would ever again see Amy smiling and cheerful and free of pain. He leaned over and kissed her. “You mean, Winnie the Pooh. Yes. But how did you learn about Winnie?”

“A nice lady came and read it to me, Daddy. And she brought me a bunny, too.” He’d noticed how she cuddled the stuffed toy that was almost as big as she. Her toys had been removed to prevent her moving around too much after the operations.

“So you can have toys now?”

“The nurse said I could have Peter.” She kissed the bunny. “Oh, Daddy, bring a book when you come. I already know about Mother Goose and Daddy Goose, too, and I like Daddy Goose the best.”

A tired Marcus looked at his precious little angel. She hadn’t shown any interest in anything for so long. His heart swelled with joy. “Daddy Goose? She read you a story about Daddy Goose?” he asked, disbelieving.

Amy laughed excitedly. “No, Daddy. She told me that story. I said I wanted a story about a daddy goose. She didn’t have the book, so she told me the story. And you know what? Daddy Goose sounded just like you. I liked him much better than Mother Goose. It’s my favorite story.” It had been a rough weekend. He hadn’t gotten much done at the factory and, last night, relations between him and Amanda had been strained. But as he gazed down at the one person who needed him, his mirror image, he felt some of the weight ease from him. His smile came easily, as he squeezed her tightly.

“What’s the lady’s name, honey?”

“I don’t know, Daddy. I just call her Lady.” He kissed her goodbye and left. Somehow, he didn’t want to go home. Amanda would confront him about his inconsistent behavior with her. He didn’t know when, but it was a certainty, and he was not ready for that tonight. Hardly thinking about it, he found himself at Jack and Myrna’s home and knew at once that going there was a mistake. He didn’t want to talk about himself and Amanda. So he drank a mug of coffee, and after an interminable hour of evading their questions, went home, wondering when he’d begun to think of the place as home.

Guilt shot through him when he found her note in a sealed envelope taped to the outside of the front door. She hadn’t told him that she would have an amniocentesis test nor that she had the results. And he hadn’t known, either, that the test could pose problems. Now, she threatened a miscarriage and had gone to the hospital. He went in the house and called a taxi, too drained for the long walk back. Marcus wondered what else was going on that he didn’t know about, and knew that their lack of communication was his fault. Worried and anxious for his wife, he leaned back in the taxi, strung out.

He caught himself rubbing his chin with the thumb and forefinger of his right hand, a signal that he faced a moment of truth, and exhaled deeply in an attempt to shrug off his thoughts. But he couldn’t escape the fact that his feeling for Amanda was not the casual interest that one might have in a friend’s well-being, but a deep and personal desire, an increasingly intense concern for her health and happiness. A caring that had nothing to do with lust. When he’d read her note, he’d had a sensation of marbles rattling around in his belly. He didn’t want to care for her nor about her, but he had to admit that fate seemed to be refereeing their game with no consideration for his preferences. He leaned forward.