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Juliet answered Sam’s knock at the door. He’d changed out of his uniform and was now wearing jeans and a pale green polo shirt. Juliet didn’t recognise the shirt and she wondered when he’d bought it. Sam never shopped, he spent so much time in a uniform he said he didn’t need many civvies so Juliet had always bought his clothes for him. Who was choosing them for him now? The shade of green was a perfect foil for Sam’s tanned skin and highlighted his green eyes. Juliet couldn’t imagine Sam choosing the shirt deliberately so he either got lucky with the colour or someone else bought it for him. It wasn’t her business any more but she couldn’t stop the flash of jealousy that raced through her.
She stepped back to invite Sam in just as Edward hurtled past her, launching himself at Sam like a little blond rocket. Sam caught him easily, scooping him up against his broad chest and carrying him inside. Juliet had been wondering whether or not to greet Sam with a kiss on the cheek but Edward’s body formed a wall between them, taking that option out of the equation. Had they just set a precedent for all future greetings?
‘Where’s your sister?’ Sam asked Edward.
‘Dunno.’
‘She’s in her room,’ Juliet replied, and Sam veered right, carrying Ed into Kate’s room.
‘Here’s my gorgeous girl?are you ready for dinner?’
Juliet followed behind them, stopping in the doorway. Kate was still getting ready?aged eight, she already spent more time in front of the mirror than Juliet did. She was sliding a clip into her brown hair and Juliet smiled, Kate had been doing her hair for the last ten minutes, trying out different styles with varying accessories?clips, headbands and bows—but Sam’s arrival seemed to have sped up the process. Kate finished her hair and grabbed her swing coat before crossing the room to greet her father with a hug and a kiss.
‘Where are we going?’ Edward asked.
‘Sofia’s.’
Juliet’s throat was tight and hot tears stung her eyes. Eating at Sofia’s Italian restaurant was a family tradition and it hurt to find that the tradition was going to continue without her. She blinked back tears, desperate to stop them from spilling over onto her cheeks. She couldn’t believe she was still so wound up, she would have thought she’d cried enough earlier in the day to last her a while.
‘Yay! Can I have gelati?
Sam laughed and punched Edward lightly on the arm, immediately starting a play fight. ‘Spaghetti first and then gelati.’
Juliet let Edward wrestle his father for a minute before calling a stop to the physical stuff. ‘Okay, enough, guys,’ she said. ‘Time for dinner.’
‘Your mum’s right, champ,’ Sam said as Edward started to complain that their game had been halted prematurely. ‘The taxi’s waiting.’
Juliet hadn’t considered how Sam had got to their house but as she herded them through the front door and into the driveway she saw a cab parked behind her car. ‘You can take my car if that’s easier. I don’t need it.’
‘Aren’t you coming with us?’ Kate picked up on Juliet’s wording.
‘No, darling, this is Dad’s treat.’
Sam stopped, extending her an invitation. ‘You’re welcome to join us, Jules.’
‘Thanks, but there’s some stuff I want to do here. Let me get the car keys.’ She turned away from Sam, not wanting him to see the lie on her face. She grabbed her keys from the hall table and returned to find Sam had sent the taxi off. She handed him the keys and kissed her children goodbye. She watched them climb into her car and waited as they waved to her before they disappeared down the street.
She turned, picking up a stray football that was lying in the front garden, and took it inside with her, the vision of Edward’s fair head stuck in her mind. He was the spitting image of Sam to look at, a little ball of muscle. They were both bundles of energy and Ed was already mad about ball sports, although, living in Melbourne, he preferred Aussie rules football over Sam’s choice of rugby union.
Juliet had grown up in Sydney where rugby was the main winter sport, and although she hadn’t been a huge fan she now had a soft spot for rugby as that was how she’d first met Sam. She moved through the house, tidying up bits and pieces as she let her mind wander.
She was still finding it difficult to reconcile herself with the idea that Sam was no longer her husband. He would always be part of her life, connected to her through their children, and she needed to work out how they were going to deal with that. After twelve years of marriage she couldn’t expect to accept that it was over without some regrets but she knew she had to get past that.
The house was quiet, too quiet, but she had to be prepared to be alone. She wasn’t exactly looking forward to having the house to herself but she thought the solitude might at least give her a chance to make some sense of the day.
In some respects twelve years seemed to have passed in the blink of an eye. Mostly, if it weren’t for the changes she saw in her children and for the strands of grey appearing in her dark hair, changes that made it hard to ignore the passage of time, she wouldn’t believe she was nearer forty than thirty.
Other days she felt all of her thirty-six years. Today was one of those days. She felt tired, physically and mentally. She wasn’t surprised to be emotionally exhausted. It wasn’t every day one had to appear in court to get divorced but if she was honest with herself she’d have to admit that she was often physically tired by early evening. Realistically she knew it had nothing to do with being a single mother, she’d been a single mother for long stretches of time when Sam had been away on naval exercises, but she hadn’t been able to pinpoint any other change, except perhaps stress. She should probably go and get a check-up, she thought, she couldn’t afford to get sick.
She took some clean laundry into her room. Her bed was freshly made, the pillows plumped and inviting. The house was still. It couldn’t hurt to lie down for a few minutes, could it? Maybe a catnap would lift her spirits.
She lay down, trying to remember what she’d looked like thirteen years ago when she’d first met Sam. It was easier to recall exactly what he’d looked like. A gorgeous, blond Adonis, and it had been lust at first sight. She’d been twenty-four and had moved from Sydney to Canberra, the nation’s capital, to do her Master’s in international law at the Australian National University. Her flatmate, Stella, had dragged her to a rugby game between the engineering faculty of the ANU and a team from the defence force academy. It had been an annual event, a huge social day with the rugby match followed by a party, and Stella had been chasing one of the university players, so Juliet had been her moral support. Juliet had expected to help Stella meet her man, she hadn’t expected to find one for herself.
Canberra, 1995
Juliet was standing with Stella and a group of friends on the boundary of the rugby pitch when a man, a glorious, blond man, raced towards them, flying down the wing. He had the ball tucked under his right arm and his rugby jumper was moulded to his body. Juliet could see the outline of his biceps and deltoid clearly defined by the contours of his top. She was a sucker for good arms and there was no doubt that this guy had them. She watched as he fended off an opposing player with his left hand, a quick shove to the chest upsetting his opponent’s balance, and he was away, strong legs pumping as he headed for the try-line. He goose-stepped over a diving defender, his quick movements belying his size. He had to be at least six feet of solid muscle but he moved with the agility of someone much lighter.
Juliet could see the last line of defence, a pair of opponents, blocking his path, lining up to double-team him. She saw him look around quickly, assessing his options. He had a teammate coming up on his outside. He didn’t slow his pace but ran in a slightly diagonal line towards the centre of the pitch, straight towards the oncoming defenders. Juliet held her breath, willing this glorious stranger safely past them. She couldn’t see how he could possibly manage to evade them—as solid as he was, the others were bigger again and there were two of them. They had the typical build of rugby players?massive limbs, thick necks and take-no-prisoners looks on their faces. They looked like two enormous tree trunks in the middle of the field.
Juliet waited, expecting to see the blond demigod attempt to dodge around the opposition?she was convinced he’d be fast enough to get around them but he kept running straight at them. She watched him drop his left shoulder and spin to his right as the full backs crunched into him, slamming him into the ground. Even on the soft grass the thud of bodies colliding was loud and painful. Her hands flew to her mouth?somewhere under that man mountain lay the most divine male she’d seen in a long time—how many pieces was he going to be in when the dust settled?
She felt someone bump against her, the crowd around her was screaming and yelling, people were jumping up and down. She saw the ball come sailing backwards, arcing through the air. Had he managed to release the ball before he’d been crunched?
The diagonal path he’d chosen, the path that had led him straight into danger, had given his teammate a chance to gain some ground and Juliet watched as the ball landed securely in the teammate’s hands. He was ten metres from the opposing try line with no one to beat.
Juliet celebrated the try with the crowd, caught up in the moment, caught up in one man. She nudged Stella as the celebrations continued. ‘Do you know who number fourteen is for the defence force?’
Stella shook her head. Juliet wasn’t surprised; Stella was there to cheer for the university side—she had no allegiance to the defence academy. But that didn’t mean Juliet couldn’t adopt the defence force team as hers.
‘Can I have a look at the programme?’ she asked.
Stella handed over the paper she’d been holding and Juliet scrolled down the page. Number fourteen?Sam Taylor. It wasn’t much, but it was better than nothing.
Juliet spent the rest of the half with one eye on Sam and the other on the crowd, trying to determine if anyone seemed to be following Sam particularly. There were plenty of supporters yelling for him whenever he got the ball, which seemed to be a frequent occurrence, but it was hard to tell if any of them were as focussed on Sam as she was. In the end she gave up and spent the rest of the time enjoying the spectacle and vowing to introduce herself to him after the match.
The spectators gathered in the university rugby club bar at the end of the game and wasted no time before ordering drinks. Juliet was careful to stay in control. The rugby players had all gone to shower and change and she wanted to be prepared for Sam’s return. She was going to make sure she made a good first impression, for reasons she didn’t fully understand but which seemed vitally important.
She and Stella positioned themselves between the band and the bar and kept an eye on the doors. The players were beginning to drift in now. They were easy to pick out of the crowd as most still had damp hair from their showers. The university boys were in civvies but the defence force boys were in their dress uniforms. In Juliet’s opinion the defence force boys had an unfair advantage over the university boys. Dress uniforms trumped casual clothes any day.
Sam came through the doors, his white uniform immaculate. She’d always been a sucker for a man in uniform. He was six feet of muscle impeccably dressed. His hair was damp from the shower so it was a darker blond now, thick and wavy. Juliet wondered if there was a regulation about hair length in the navy. Sam’s hair looked longer than most, although it stopped short of his collar. His shoulders were broad and straight and he looked like a perfect gentleman, strong and protective, chivalrous. Juliet knew he might be none of those things but he could certainly sell the illusion.
She scanned the room, waiting to see if anyone went to claim him. A couple of his companions broke away to meet their girlfriends but Sam continued walking. From her spot on the far side of the room she could see him sweep his gaze across the crowd. Was he looking for anyone in particular? He hadn’t stopped scanning the room and she was concentrating so intently on his movements that she was unprepared when his gaze swept her side of the room. Before she had a chance to look away their eyes locked. She tried to relax. After all, he couldn’t know she’d been watching him ever since he’d stepped inside, and she thought she’d pulled it off until he winked at her. She felt herself blush and was tempted to dive behind Stella, but at least he’d noticed her. That was a good thing, so she smiled at him before looking away. She still had time to play it cool and work out her plan of attack.
She waited until he was at the bar then offered to fetch Stella another drink.
‘Excuse me, would you mind if I squeezed in here?’ People were packed tightly together along the bar, giving her the perfect excuse to cram herself in beside Sam.
‘Not at all,’ he said, moving over to make space for her. He smiled at her and Juliet felt her heart skip a beat. She’d always thought that was just a saying but there was no other way to describe the effect of his smile on her. If he was gorgeous when he was running around a rugby field, he was absolutely superb when he smiled. His smile was wide and white and started at the right-hand corner of his mouth before spreading to the left and finally reaching his eyes. Crinkles appeared in the corners of his eyes, but they didn’t detract from his looks. He looked like a man who smiled often and easily. The moment his smile lit up his face Juliet knew she was in big trouble. Sam had to be hers?there were no two ways about it.
Her eyes were still locked on his as she thanked him for making room. ‘I enjoyed the game. Congratulations on winning.’ She paused for a fraction before deciding nothing ventured, nothing gained. ‘It’s Sam, isn’t it? I’m Juliet,’ she said, holding out her hand.
He shook her hand and Juliet had the strangest sense of déjà vu. His touch was familiar but she knew that was impossible, yet she could sense a memory, almost as though her skin had felt his touch before. It was slightly unnerving but Juliet couldn’t force herself to remove her hand.
‘Have we met before?’ Sam asked. He was frowning and a crease appeared between his eyes.
‘No.’ Had he felt the same strange familiarity or was he only asking because she’d used his name? She could explain one reason but not the other. ‘I looked you up in the match programme after that first try. I wanted to know who everyone was cheering for.’ Juliet let go of his hand.
He smiled again, his right-to-left smile, and said, ‘What about you? Who were you cheering for?’
‘No one really…not for the first fifteen minutes anyway. I came with a girlfriend to cheer for the uni team but I might have swapped allegiances.’ She gave him a sideways glance, hoping he’d pick up on her invitation.
‘So you don’t have a boyfriend on the uni team who’s going to get upset if I buy you a drink?’
‘No boyfriend.’
And that had been it. Somewhere along the way Juliet had remembered to give Stella her drink and had been relieved to find her in a group that included the boy she was keen on, but after that Sam had been the only one who had held any interest for Juliet.
They’d had such passion and she still found it hard to believe that it hadn’t been enough to sustain them. Hard to believe they hadn’t made it.
She’d only ever had eyes for Sam but passion was no match for reality.
The sound of the front door opening brought Juliet out of her reverie. Initially she thought Sam and the children were home but then she heard Maggie calling her. Her sister had gone for a run and was now probably wondering where everyone had disappeared to. The house was in darkness as Juliet hadn’t turned any lights on and it probably seemed abandoned.
‘In here, Mags,’ she called out, letting Maggie know she was home.
Maggie stuck her head into Juliet’s room. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Nothing,’ Juliet said as she sat up.
‘It’s very quiet. Are the kids already in bed?’
‘No, Sam’s taken them out for dinner.’
‘He’s still in town?’
‘He goes back tomorrow,’ Juliet said.
‘And then what?’ Maggie crossed the room and sat on the bed beside Juliet.
‘I’m not sure. That’s what I’ve been thinking about. Where do I go from here? On one hand nothing’s changed but on the other…’
‘Everything’s changed.’
Juliet nodded.
‘You could have gone with him.’
‘I could have but moving every three years or, worse, every six months wasn’t the right thing for the children, especially Kate. Regardless of her issues, moving constantly once we had a family wasn’t our plan and I thought that given the childhood Sam had he’d want to keep his family together. I thought it would be important to him. But the navy was more important and Sam couldn’t, or wouldn’t, give it up.’ Juliet picked at the quilt cover as she spoke. ‘I made him choose between the navy and us, and I lost.’ She shrugged. ‘No point sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I’ll just have to get on with things.’
Maggie hugged her. ‘You know I’ll always be here if you need me.’
‘Thanks, but I can’t expect you to jump on a plane and fly down to Melbourne at the drop of a hat. You’re here now and I do appreciate that but I’m an adult, and I should be able to manage on my own.’
‘You can manage but there will be times when it’s tough to do that and Sam won’t always be able to help you with the kids in a crisis?he could be on the other side of the world. I’ll only be in Sydney so if you need me, I want to know. You’ve done it for me and I’d be upset to think you wouldn’t call me. Okay?’
Juliet nodded. ‘Thanks, Mags.’
Maggie squeezed her shoulders. ‘No probs. Now, can I make you a cup of tea before I jump in the shower?’
‘No, I’m fine really. The kids should be back soon. Have a shower while there’s still some peace and quiet.’
Maggie disappeared into the guest bathroom and was still in there when Sam and the children returned. Juliet met them at the door and Sam handed her the car keys and a pizza box. ‘We thought you probably hadn’t eaten. It’s a Margherita.’
‘Thank you,’ she said as she took the box from Sam’s hands. Margherita was her favourite. Sam had always been good at the little things but it was the big things that had torn them apart. He could remember her favourite pizza topping and how she liked her tea but couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to move house every three years for the rest of her life.
Let it go, she reprimanded herself, it’s over.
She took the pizza into the kitchen and she could hear the children asking Sam to tuck them into bed before he left. She let Sam help them brush their teeth, change into their pyjamas and read them a story while she ate a couple of slices of pizza, leaving some for Maggie. When the children were ready for bed she stood and watched as Sam kissed them goodnight, amazed as always that she and Sam had created two incredible little people. Two miniature versions of themselves.
But the similarities between her and her daughter were physical rather than psychological. Kate, with her thick dark hair and bright blue eyes, was the spitting image of herself at the same age but she was far more reserved than Juliet had ever been. Juliet was stubborn and headstrong and prone to making quick decisions; Kate was far more measured and in control of her emotions, even at the age of eight. Juliet sometimes wondered if Kate’s dyslexia had influenced her personality. Had she learned to take her time with her responses to ensure she made fewer mistakes or was she simply less volatile than her mother?
Edward and Kate were as different as chalk and cheese, both in looks and behaviour. Edward had inherited his father’s looks and much of his personality. They were both adrenalin junkies, both attracted to danger. She was constantly on the lookout around Edward because he was still too young to assess risk. Sam liked order and routine, he liked to follow the rules and would never make a rash judgement. Juliet hoped Ed would develop some of his father’s sense as he matured but she was worried because she suspected Sam might have always had that slightly sensible gene and that healthy regard for the rules may have been reinforced by his defence force upbringing. Sam’s love of order and routine had certainly helped him to cope with the frequent moves that he’d been exposed to as a defence force brat. From what he ate for breakfast and how he read the paper to the system in his wardrobe and in his bookshelves, Sam was a creature of habit. Even the kids’ bedtime routine had been started by Sam. And now Juliet had taken away some of that.
She followed Sam’s lead, kissing the children goodnight as an unwelcome thought burrowed its way into her head—other than their children, they hadn’t made much of a success of their life together.
CHAPTER THREE
August 2008
JULIET was rushing around the house, trying to get several last-minute jobs out of the way before fetching Edward from kindergarten, when she was interrupted by a knock at the door. A postman waited with a letter, registered mail. She showed the postman her driver’s licence as identification and signed for the envelope with a shaky hand. She knew what the envelope contained? it could only be one thing. It had been a month and a day since she and Sam had been in court.
This was it. Her self-imposed D-Day.
She’d been delaying a whole host of things, things she couldn’t put off any longer. She hadn’t set a date exactly but she’d decided that once the divorce was final and she had the paperwork that said so, she would have to face facts.
She took the envelope to the kitchen and slit it open with a knife.
It had been a month and a day since she’d seen Sam, one month and a day since they’d been in court. Her divorce was absolute. It was there in black and white in front of her. She was now officially a divorcee.
Before she could procrastinate again or let herself be distracted by the children, she did the two things she’d been avoiding. She slid her wedding and engagement rings off her finger and slipped them onto her right hand. It was a slightly tighter fit but she wasn’t ready to be without them totally, though she also had no cause to still be wearing them on her left hand. The rings felt heavy on her right hand and her thumb automatically fiddled with the bands. She supposed she’d get used to the sensation.
One more task to do. She picked up the phone but hesitated before dialling. She put it onto the kitchen bench while she deliberated. What if she didn’t need to make this phone call after all? She palpated her left breast with her fingers, hoping, once again, that maybe the lump had disappeared. But it was still there, about the size of a small walnut. She retrieved the phone and made a long-overdue appointment with her doctor.
‘Good morning, Juliet,’ Dr Wilson said as she called her into the consulting room. ‘What can I do for you today?’
‘I’ve found another breast lump,’ Juliet said as she sat down. She had a history of benign nodules and she’d had various tests done in the past but thankfully they’d all come back negative for any malignancy.
‘When did you notice this one?’
‘A few months ago,’ she answered honestly.
‘Any changes in this one?’
‘I think it’s got bigger.’
Dr Wilson looked at her with one eyebrow raised. ‘Any reason why you haven’t been in to see me sooner?’
Juliet knew that the change in the size of the lump should have sounded warning bells. It had, she just hadn’t had the time or energy to deal with it. Part of her had also tried to pretend that this lump was just like all the others and they’d been fine, hadn’t they? But she knew that this lump wasn’t the same—it had kept on growing.
