488 Rules for Life: The Thankless Art of Being Correct

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Unless you are explaining the solution to a quadratic equation, or you happen to speak in riddles worthy of a cryptic crossword, then it’s safe to assume that most people will be able to follow what you’re saying. So there’s really no need to keep checking in and saying ‘know what I mean?’ every couple of sentences.

89

Don’t use words you don’t need, like ‘literally’

Most of us don’t speak in metaphor and simile, we almost always speak literally, so there is rarely the need to qualify your sentence by adding the word ‘literally’. As in ‘Oh my god, she ate the whole piece of cake, like, literally the whole piece of cake.’

It would be highly unusual for someone to assume that ‘piece of cake’ meant something else in this instance so you can do away with the word ‘literally’.

However, if you were talking about your dog and how he chewed up one of your board games, then in that instance you might want to qualify your statement with a ‘literally’: ‘We were playing Yahtzee the other day and then Bongo came along and ate the whole box and dice, literally the whole box and dice.’

CONVERSATION

Conversation is the mainstay of any social event, be it a date, a dinner party or a work function. It’s something we get to practise all the time, yet very few of us are any good at it and I include myself here. I can talk for an hour and a half on stage at people no problem, but it’s very different in social situations.

I get particularly nervous at parties. I have a real knack of grinding the conversation down into a series of dull questions that the other person has no interest in answering. I’ve noticed I also ask ‘closed questions’ a lot of the time, questions that require a short one or two-word answer and never lead to a broader discussion. I know for a fact that I am often ‘that person’, the one you get trapped talking to and have to invent an excuse to get away from. My saving grace is that I’m aware of my shortcomings and when I sense I am dragging someone into one of my conversation death spirals, I will try to help them get away. I will be the one who suggests they move on, saying something like, ‘Look, I won’t keep you, please go and get yourself a drink’, while magnanimously gesturing at the bar with an extended arm, thereby showing them the exit route.

A truly good conversationalist has an uncanny knack of making the person they are talking to feel interesting. It’s an amazing skill—usually you don’t even realise you’re in the presence of a good conversationalist, you just start thinking, Gee I’m telling some good stories today. Good conversationalists are few and far between, which is a shame because they make social occasions an absolute joy.

Obviously, as a person completely lacking in conversation skills, I needed to consult some experts to help formulate the following rules. Luckily I know a couple of excellent conversationalists. One is my best friend Glenn. Another is my fellow rule-maker Sophie. I also know a third expert called Dan, a colleague whom I see only occasionally but who never fails to make me feel both interesting and interested. I have watched him have animated and lively discussions with anyone and everyone in a room, including people I would have written off as dull and boring. I reached out to him by email to ask for his tips on how to be a good conversationalist but he didn’t reply. I can only assume he was too engrossed in a conversation to answer me.

90

Turn-take

This is the basic rule of conversation. You each take a turn to speak. And you each take a turn to listen. This second bit is quite important. Listening is different to just watching the other person’s mouth and waiting for it to stop moving so you can start talking again.

91

The onus is on you to make the conversation interesting

Don’t immediately write someone off as boring; most people have something interesting to say and, if you can find a way to ask good questions, you should be able to have an interesting conversation with anyone.

92

Don’t interrogate

The vibe you’re going for in a conversation is ‘gentle inquisition’. No one wants to feel like they’re being cross-examined at a murder trial. Subtle coaxing to extract further detail is permissible but don’t badger them like a lawyer going after an uncooperative witness.

93

Keep your questions to ten words or less

You’re not on Radio National trying to expose a politician for misuse of public funds.

94

Move on rather than resort to air filler phrases

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, you just run out of stuff to say. Always move on before you start filling the awkward silence with phrases like ‘Ahhh, wouldn’t be dead for quids’ or ‘C’est la vie’ or ‘Well, here we are’.

95

Don’t ask vegetarians why they are vegetarian

It’s a question that they are forced to answer every time they sit down for a meal with a new person. It’s boring for them and if you’re lucky they will shut you down with a non-committal shrug and a vague ‘I just prefer not to eat meat.’ But if you’re unlucky you’ll come up against a fundamentalist who will redirect the question right back at you and ask why you’re NOT vegetarian. They will then rail at you about cruelty to animals, about how your love of meat is destroying the planet and basically make you feel really guilty about your choices. Either way, there’s no satisfactory answer so don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, asking the question.

The exception is if you’re talking to comedian Dave Hughes, who has quite an interesting answer, which relates to the fact that he used to work in an abattoir and it put him off eating meat for life. It will probably put you off eating meat too, not necessarily for life but at least for a couple of days, so that’s good—you can do your bit for the planet, even if it’s just for a day or two.

96

Always, however, ask converts why they converted

There is something quite bizarre about grown-up people with solid, tertiary educations converting to one of the traditional book religions. As someone who grew up Catholic and experienced the pointless rituals and praying first-hand, I have never understood how a rational, thinking adult can choose to adopt formalised religion. It’s different when you’re born into it, you don’t know anything else and besides, it’s your family, it’s your culture.

97

Know when the small talk well is running dry and bail out

‘Got any travel plans?’ is an acceptable question when you’re struggling to sustain a floundering conversation; however, if you then follow it up with ‘Oh that’s nice … so, when do you go away?’ the conversation is officially dead in the water. So make an excuse and exeunt. Unless you’re planning a burglary of their house, there is nothing to be gained by garnering the exact dates of an acquaintance’s holiday.

98

Recounting a TV series to someone in great detail does not constitute good conversation

I do this a lot. Sorry everyone.

99

Have a few emergency ‘go-to’ questions for when the conversation stalls

Basic conversation starters like:

‘Who do you fancy in the Australian Open?’

or

‘What’s your favourite soup recipe?’

or

‘Would you rather be deaf or blind?’

or

‘If you could ask Jennifer Aniston one question, what would it be?’

or

‘Hand on heart, if you’d had an attic, would you have let Anne Frank hide in there?’

PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES (#ulink_7a16f986-fc0f-5a12-ad17-ae2ae122ec43)

A word about air travel

I admit I seem to have an excessive amount of rules pertaining to planes and airports, but that’s because I do a lot of touring and I spend an excessive amount of time on planes and in airports.

I realise there are many people who only fly occasionally and when they do it’s almost always for the purpose of a holiday. That puts you in a completely different mindset to those who travel for work purposes. Being in holiday mode means you are far more likely to be in a good mood