The Rules for Marriage

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Be thrilled if your fiancé shows this much interest. Go along with his enthusiasm even if you’re not as into it as he is. Some brides are not as fortunate …

If your fiancé shows little or no interest in wedding plans, he thinks it’s a woman’s thing and goes along with ‘whatever’ – just as happy to exchange vows with just your immediate families and a few close friends in attendance and a vase of flowers in his studio flat – do not force him to get involved. Don’t analyse his indifference or nag him to be more involved, just accept that some men are simply not interested in the intricacies of a wedding, even their own. They will show up at the altar, but that’s about it. If this is the case, plan the wedding with your bridesmaids, family and friends.

As for disagreements, try to take them in your stride. Suppose you and your fiancé have different ideas about the size of the wedding? You want a big do, he wants a small one. You want a band, he wants a DJ. You want to hire a professional photographer, he wants to ask his friend Joe to take snapshots … you get the idea! Don’t throw tantrums, act like a diva and insist on having your way. Maybe a small wedding isn’t such a bad idea, especially if he’s trying to save money for buying a house and starting a family. Whatever his reasons, we think it’s important to listen and consider his point of view. Don’t impose your fairytale images of a lavish Cinderella wedding on him. Cut him some slack – he pursued you, proposed, bought you a ring and has made a commitment to spend the rest of his life with you. If you demand a big expensive wedding and he’s not into it, neither of you will be happy. Besides, bickering a lot before the wedding is not a fun way to walk down the aisle!

Rule 2 (#ulink_e35548dc-c843-5796-9ec7-af6808688a48)

Continue to Be ‘a Creature Unlike Any Other’ (#ulink_e35548dc-c843-5796-9ec7-af6808688a48)

When you are single, being ‘a creature unlike any other’ is all about looks and self-confidence. When you’re married, it’s not about being self-absorbed, but exuding a feminine touch – i.e. the ability to turn a house into a home.

Remember how we told you to wear short skirts and get weekly manicures when you were dating? Well, now that you’re married you can relax a little! Your husband is not looking for a beauty queen every day, but a warm, loving partner. So don’t think you have to prance about the house in a negligée and cover yourself in perfume from head to toe. It’s perfectly OK to hang out in a T-shirt, shorts and sandals with your hair in a ponytail – everyone we know does! You don’t have to look like a Hollywood starlet to have grace and style. It’s more important that you maintain composure and are organized about your home, your life, your kids, your work; that you’re not a wreck every time your husband comes home late or things go awry.

You’re neat, clean, responsible, loving and nice – that’s sexy. You’re not trying to compete with his 25-year-old secretary. You don’t have to wear fake eyelashes or nail extensions. Two coats of mascara and short, clean nails are fine. No need to look into liposuction or breast implants. Maybe you have 5 or 10 pounds to lose? That’s OK too. Your husband is not looking for a mannequin. He would rather you be nice than a supermodel.

On the other hand, don’t let yourself go. Don’t pack on 2 stone after the wedding or walk around the house all the time in oversized pyjamas looking like you just got out of bed. You take care of yourself. Try to exercise two to three times a week, to maintain your shape and energy level, and try to wear clothes that flatter your figure.

Wear your hair long even though it would be easier to wear it short. Long hair reminds you that you’re a woman, and your husband likes it long and you want to please him. Don’t walk around with dark roots; touch up any grey in your hair. You believe in helping Mother Nature. Brush your hair and wear a dab of makeup before leaving the house even to go to the supermarket. You never know whom you’ll run into.

But being a married ‘creature unlike any other’ is more about attitude and character than looks. We told you how to act confident and hold your head up high to attract a man in our first book, The Rules. Now we are telling you how to apply this way of being as a married woman to the rest of your life. Exactly what do we mean? Here are some examples:

Maintain a positive attitude. It helps to be optimistic, not cynical – and to look at the glass as half-full. You still believe in love and marriage, even if some of your friends are divorced or this is your second marriage. You smile a lot. You’re easy to be with. You’re not a grievance-collector. You don’t hold grudges because you know that grudges hurt you more than the other person and add wrinkles and years to your life, so you don’t tolerate them for more than five minutes. You believe that good things happen to good people most of the time, so you try to be good. You don’t care if people think you are naïve. It makes you happy to think this way, and that’s what counts.

If you work, do your work and go home. Don’t make work your whole life. You are balanced. You believe in family first, business second. Your priorities are straight, and you’re not jealous of what other people have or do.

Don’t make mountains out of molehills. For example, if you trust your husband and he talks to an attractive woman at a party, don’t spend the entire car ride home grilling him about her. ‘So did you think she was pretty? If you were single, would you have asked her out?’ Leave him alone. Your husband is allowed to talk to another woman or find her attractive. It just means he’s a man and has eyes. Sometimes a married woman will call us to complain that her husband’s ex-girlfriend calls every few months or once a year just to say hello. She wants to know how she should handle this. We tell her to do nothing – the less you care, the better. As long as your husband is not the one calling his ex, there’s no problem. Some single women have a hard time letting go of a relationship and continue to call old boyfriends out of friendship or loneliness, but these men’s wives really have nothing to worry about.

Be organized. When your child is sick, it’s better not to have to look in five places for aspirin and a thermometer. You have a medicine cupboard and it’s amply stocked. At this point in your life, your husband would rather see you wearing a T-shirt and gym shorts than high heels, so long as there’s plenty of Calpol in the house. Keep a pad of paper and pen next to every phone in the house, so you don’t have to leave people on hold every time you have to write something down. Don’t be a hoarder. After you read a magazine, throw it away. Things don’t fall out of your cupboard when you open the door. There is no rotten cheese in your refrigerator or stockings with ladders in them in your drawer. When a friend or your in-laws ring your door bell unexpectedly, you don’t have to pretend you’re not at home because the place is upside-down. You’re on top of things. You don’t have to frantically try on 15 outfits every time you go out because ‘nothing fits’. You stay in shape. You’re in control.

Make an effort to be calm. Whether you practise yoga or meditation, the 12 Steps, read the Bible or go to temple on Saturday or church on Sunday, try to figure out a way to rise above the daily craziness of life, the trivialities, the petty annoyances. Stay centred, know that the daily discipline of exercise or prayer or whatever it is you do will give you the strength to get through everything, so you set aside the time to take care of yourself in this way. Hence, you don’t live from crisis to crisis. Your life is not a soap opera. You don’t let people or events ruin your serenity. You know that happiness comes from within.

But you’re no evangelist. If you are into some self-improvement programme, are anti-fur, a vegan, an ex-smoker or ‘born again’, you are not trying to convert everyone you come into contact with. (Nobody likes zealots. They’re boring.) You know that you just have to live your life and not try to change anyone. You believe in live and let live – beginning with your husband and your children – and you are serene.

In the rest of this book, you will find ways to help you continue to be a married ‘creature unlike any other’.