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‘Want to talk about it? Did someone muck things up? Fry your sound boards, or something?’
Xane spluttered vodka over his lap and the nearby furnishings. ‘You think I’m swilling this muck because of a blown amp?’
‘I don’t know.’ She folded her hands into her lap. ‘I guess not. What did happen, then?’
‘We split up. It’s over. Black Halo are no more.’ He stood and gave a theatrical bow, though it was obvious his mockery was a mask.
‘No.’ Dani shook her head, praying that if she denied it then it wouldn’t be real. But his speedy getaway, not wanting to speak to Ash, and now the vodka – it all added up. So did the soul-deep hurt swimming in his eyes.
‘Dead. Dead. Dead,’ he reiterated, as if he were stabbing the remains just to make sure.
Still, for a moment her brain refused to process the message. Then her stomach lurched. The vodka she’d swallowed burned a second time as it clawed its way back up her throat. She didn’t vomit, but a cold sort of emptiness filled her chest, making it painful to fill her lungs. It couldn’t … it couldn’t be. Why would they split? They were doing so well. Their popularity and fan base grew with each successive album. She couldn’t quite make herself ask him the reason. Everyone knew he was the band’s driving force, and that he lived and breathed it. It was that passion, his dedication, which had made Black Halo into the global success story they were.
‘You’re lying,’ she said clutching at straws.
‘No.’ His lips pursed tight.
The blood drained from Dani’s face. The room swirled.
‘Hey!’ Xane nudged her shoulder. ‘I thought I was the one who got to be melodramatic about it.’ When she didn’t respond, didn’t even look at him, he leaned closer still, with his eyebrows quirked upwards. ‘It’s my band. My life that’s gone to hell. That means I’m the one who gets to have a breakdown, not you.’
Chapter 7 (#ulink_948c092f-3c28-5b2d-8255-d791e725d087)
‘No, no, no!’ Dani refused to believe that Black Halo had split, on stage. That was mega! Not some little tiff over artistic differences that would be mended in a couple of days.
‘Are you going into shock?’ Xane worried the ring in his lip. ‘Shit! You are.’ He dropped the vodka bottle in order to catch her. ‘Sit down. No. Lie down.’ He forced her onto her back along the length of the leather sofa. ‘Christ! Chill out, woman.’
Dani did feel odd, sort of hollow and prickly. Not numb though. Numb would have been preferable.
Xane swayed in and out of her field of vision. ‘Hey, it’s not that fucking big a deal. It’s just a band.’
Except she knew from the way he said it that he didn’t believe that any more than she did. It wasn’t just a band. It was his life.
‘Just don’t pass out, OK?’ He lifted her legs so that her feet rested on the sofa arm.
She didn’t want to keep still. This was a major deal. If the media had picked up on the story, the group’s demise had probably already been reported on the late-night news. Music journalists would be picking over the carcass, interviewing anyone available for their opinions. This couldn’t be. Other bands split up, but Black Halo was a constant. The only constant in her world that wasn’t associated with effing St Agatha’s.
‘You’ll re-form,’ she managed to croak. Tears were beginning to gather in her eyes. Soon enough they’d spill, and then she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stop them.
Xane shook his head. ‘No.’
Why did he have to be so blunt – so bloody honest? Couldn’t he at least pretend it was an option?
‘I ought to have known something would go wrong with this evening. I couldn’t experience an ordinary trip out to a gig to see my favourite band. Oh, no, I get punished for it. Anyone else that meets you gets their shirt signed. I get … I get … this!’ She threw her arms wide for emphasis. It wasn’t fair. Didn’t he realise that he was breaking her heart. Black Halo were her lifeline – the little bit of rebellion that made everything else, all the shit she endured, more palatable.
She began to hyperventilate.
‘Stop it,’ Xane growled. ‘I mean it. Really, fucking stop it. You’re scaring the shit out of me, lady. And I don’t let anyone scare the shit out of me.’ He was big enough and menacing enough for her to believe that. Given his six foot two frame, she doubted anyone had ever managed to truly cow him. He’d laugh off Sister Anna’s threats.
And it wasn’t that she was trying to be dramatic. She just couldn’t deal …
‘Goddammit. I was hoping we didn’t need to do this.’ Xane kissed her square on the lips. Not a peck, or anything soft, but a full-on smacker of a kiss.
He tasted of alcohol and sin and … whoa!
‘There, does that help?’
How in God’s name was that supposed to help? Now she had no breath left in her body, and her heart didn’t know what to do. It stuttered, trying to decide between triple time and cardiac arrest.
‘Again?’ Bastard smiled grimly at her, showing off his crooked demon’s teeth.
He didn’t wait for an answer, which was lucky, because she couldn’t have formed one. He just dived right in and did it, like it was no big deal to be kissing a woman he hardly knew in order to save her from passing out. Although she suspected that more often he caused women to faint.
Damn, he tasted good, of peppermint and fire; much nicer than the starched linen of her pillowcase, which had so often stood in his stead.
Xane’s fingers slid across her cheek and into her hair.
Dani closed her eyes and arched towards him. Mm, yes, that was nice. Not so shocking this time. Her brain was functioning well enough to treasure the brush of his lips against hers, and acknowledge the odd pressure of his lip ring. She responded too. Not with fire, but with total submission. She let him have his way. Let him stamp his mark on her.
Her body went limp. Her mouth opened, allowing him to slide his tongue inside. No one had ever really kissed her like this before. She’d never desired them to. Normally, kissing seemed quite messy and silly, a bit slobbery and gross.
Xane rewrote the experience as a new and fabulous thing, possessed of subtleties and glorious sensuality. He led her in a merry breathless dance, their tongues duelling for long precious moments.
Xane held himself above her, his body stretched out, though she couldn’t recall him taking that position. He just seemed to arrive, and it felt right.
Not that they were touching anywhere save their lips and where his hand cupped her head.
When he finally pulled away, Dani looked up at him with her mouth open. She wanted more. No pretences. He could sink right down onto her – into her, even, maybe … Her gaze strayed along the length of his body, taking in the tautly drawn muscles that she longed to explore.
What if she actually put her hands on him? Touched the firm stretch of skin between his belly button and the top of his fly? Something about that part of a man fascinated her.
Xane was breathing hard. His gaze locked upon her face. ‘Getting ideas?’ His lip curled slightly as he spoke. ‘Suppose I should be thankful you’re not about to expire any more.’
‘I wasn’t going to.’ She pushed at his shoulder, suddenly aware of how close they were.
‘Good. I don’t need any more drama.’
‘You didn’t have to do anything. I’d have been all right. It was just a shock.’
‘Yeah, right!’ He crossed his arm defensively, which rather suggested he didn’t believe her.
Dani couldn’t work him out. A few minutes ago he’d been annoyed over the fact that she might desire him, and now he seemed riled that he’d kissed her – but she hadn’t initiated it, and she wasn’t pressing him for more, quite the opposite, because she was scared stiff of where more would lead to.
They stared at one other uncomfortably until Xane lowered his head as if he meant to kiss her again, causing her to gasp. But he rolled off the sofa instead.
‘Stay there. I’ll fetch you a blanket.’
Dani sat up. ‘I don’t need a blanket.’ She was calm now. Well, OK, not exactly calm. Her heart rate had at least doubled in the last five minutes, but she wasn’t feeling quite so traumatised.
‘I’ll get one anyway.’ He hurried away, leaving her even more confused. Only by following Xane’s movement did she realise the cottage had another floor, accessed by a stairwell set into the wall behind the front door.
Xane returned more quickly than she’d anticipated, carrying a duvet he must have snatched straight off his bed.
‘This isn’t necessary,’ she protested, as he swaddled her in cloth.
‘Lady, you nearly passed out a minute ago. Maybe you’d like to explain what that was about? And maybe you’d like to tell me your surname before I have to accompany you to A&E.’
Dani chewed her lip. OK, maybe her reaction had been a little over the top, but he’d taken her by surprise. ‘You’ve got me through some bad times,’ she said, feeling her eyes fill up. ‘It’s hard to hear you won’t be around in the future.’
‘I’m not dead.’ Xane cleared his throat. ‘I didn’t say I was going to stop making music, just that the band’s defunct.’
Yes, but was it even possible for him to go it alone? The metal genre consisted of bands, not solo artists. Xane Geist belonged in a rock band. And that band had to be Black Halo, because when it came down to it, it wasn’t only Xane who made up the group. Ash, Spook, Rock Giant, Elspeth, even Steve Matlock on drums, they all had their roles to play. It was their combined influences that made the band. Wasn’t it?
‘Will you speak to Ash tomorrow?’ she asked, recalling the lead guitarist’s attempt, when they were leaving the arena, to set a timetable for negotiation. Not that she’d understood at the time that’s what it was.
‘No.’
‘Why not? He might have a plan to get you through this.’
‘He won’t.’
‘But how do you know if you haven’t talked …’ She stopped, Xane wasn’t listening, and he’d returned to the bottle. Only a small dribble remained in the bottom, most of the contents having spilled onto the floor. He stared morosely at the dregs, then swallowed them.
‘You know getting plastered isn’t going to help. You need a clear head to patch things up.’
‘And you need a hearing test. It’s over. And you still haven’t given me a surname.’
‘It’s Fosbrook, OK, and I’m not about to pass out.’
‘Next of kin?’
Dani shook her head. No. They weren’t going there. Xane was never, ever, ever meeting her mum, talking to her mum or getting anywhere near anyone who could be vaguely construed as her family. If something happened to her while she was with him, then it was better they weren’t informed.
You’ve kissed the devil, Dani. You’ll have to atone.
She quickly shut out the voice of Sister Anna in her head.
She hadn’t kissed the devil, only a man. And really he’d kissed her. She hadn’t initiated anything. They couldn’t chastise her for that. It was totally in the spirit of St Agatha. She’d been passive and meek.
But you enjoyed him kissing you. You want him to do it again. Admit it, you little whore, you’re dying for him to take off your shirt, fondle your breasts and pull down your knickers. You want him to shove his great big dick inside you. You’re turned on just by the idea of looking at it. That’s why you keep sneaking glances at those photographs.
Not to mention the ones she was stealing at his crotch. He might have an overly high opinion of himself and a sucky attitude, but, whether he understood it or not, he’d seen her through many lonely nights. Perhaps it was only fair that she saw him through this one in return.
‘I’ll sleep on the couch,’ she announced.
‘Will you now? I don’t remember offering.’
‘You just handed me a duvet.’
‘I’ll be needing that back on my bed. Maybe that’s what you’re angling for.’
‘No.’ She pushed herself into the corner of the sofa away from his glorious body and his heady scent, fighting the near irresistible urge to say ‘yes’ and jump right on top of him. ‘I’ll be fine here.’
‘I’m not fine,’ he said as though he didn’t expect anyone to acknowledge he’d spoken. For a moment, his mask slipped and she saw right into his heart, knew his pain, recognised him as the man who’d written all those lyrics that made so much sense to her.
Taking a deep breath, she asked, ‘Why have you split up?’ Maybe if he shared the problem it wouldn’t seem so insurmountable.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Xane huffed, shaking his head. He chucked the empty vodka bottle in the direction of the waste bin. It missed and rolled back towards him, so he kicked it under the sofa. ‘It’s just how it is. Everything has to end sometime. Now’s that time for Black Halo.’
She didn’t buy his attempt at being philosophical.
‘But something must have caused it. Maybe if you told me what it was I could …’
Xane’s jaw locked so rigidly she could see the tick of his pulse beating beneath the skin.
OK, scratch that idea. He wasn’t going to get into the nitty-gritty of why he’d taken a machete to her dream band, because – and she had to remind herself of this fact – they weren’t actually friends. Xane didn’t know her from any of the other countless women who fought their way backstage on a nightly basis to meet him. The nights they’d spent together supporting one another through untold woes were fantasies, nothing more.
Contrary to what Ginny believed, and what Xane himself had assumed, Dani’s primary fantasy about him didn’t involve sex, although she wasn’t entire guilt-free in that department. Certainly, if he kissed her again she’d probably make a complete twit of herself, by not being able to keep her hands off him, thus destroying the façade that she wasn’t interested in screwing his pants off.
Primarily, Xane was her silent guardian. The person she spoke to in the dark when she was alone. Xane was the one who understood her pain. When he sang, he expressed all the things she couldn’t: her fears, her stolen childhood, the hollow ache left behind by her father’s departure. Xane held her hand and chased the monsters away.
One could hardly blame them for running. He was pretty scary in all his stage paint. Even now, when he was so obviously hurting, his shocking visage still had the power to scare the beejeezus out of somebody.
‘Should I phone someone for you? Maybe if you had a close friend come over, they’d be more help.’
‘I don’t have any close friends. I spend all my time with the band.’
‘OK.’ It looked as if it was her or nothing. She lifted one corner of the duvet, inviting him in. If he refused to communicate, maybe they could sit in companionable silence. They didn’t have to talk, or drink or kiss. They could simply be here together for a while. ‘How about we forget the band for a while. Why don’t you tell me what you’re feeling instead? And why you’re so chewed up inside.’
Xane contemplated her invitation without moving. He stared at her as if he wasn’t convinced she was real. After a long, uncomfortable pause he asked, ‘Do you know what it’s like to have to give something up because it’s so bad for you it’s destroying you? Has anyone betrayed you like that? Someone you thought you could trust? Someone you really loved?’
‘Yes,’ she admitted. Yes to all of it.
They way he looked at her with those pale-grey eyes, like he could see right into her, made her feel horribly exposed, but she endured it, and fought the urge to clam up.
‘I’m not suggesting what we’ve been through is the same, but you’re like me – you’re hurt in the same way. You’re tearing yourself apart trying to please people, while utterly failing to please yourself. It’s all in your lyrics. That’s why I liked you.’
She’d said it now, everything she’d ever really wanted to say to him. Admitted it all, and there was no way of taking it back.
‘I see,’ he said, biting his knuckles. He turned away.
‘Xane,’ she said tremulously.
He froze with his shoulders hunched. Very slowly, he looked back at her. ‘I need a shower. And to wash this crap off my face.’
Dani caught hold of his hand. ‘I like it, even if it’s smudged.’
His fingers curled against hers and briefly squeezed tight. She thought he was saying thank you, until she looked up and realised he was swaying and was probably just holding on for support.
