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Sahm I Am
Meredith Efken
Mills & Boon Silhouette
For the members of a stay-at-home-moms' email loop, lunch with friends is a sandwich in front of the computer. Where else could they discuss things like…Success: Her workaholic husband is driving Dulcie Huckleberry around the bend. It's hard to love someone when he's never home!Art: Let children express themselves, opines Zelia Muzuwa, and then her son's head gets stuck inside a kitty scratching post….Health: Surely aches and pains are normal in an active little boy, yet those of Jocelyn Millard's son don't seem to go away.Motherhood: Teen-mom-turned-farmer's-wife Brenna Lindberg can deal with the mud and the chickens, but what about her husband's desire for a child of his own?Indiscretions: They can come back to haunt you, learns pastor's wife Phyllis Lorimer.Amends: These could stand to be made between officious list moderator Rosalyn Ebberly and her sister. Perhaps the other SAHM I AMers can teach them something about sisterhood.
To my best friend and husband, Jason, for your
unconditional love and unwavering belief in me,
To my daughters, Jessamyn and Catrin,
for giving me the blessings of mommyhood,
And to my brother, Timothy,
for laughing at my stories of domestic bliss
and encouraging me to write them in a book.
SAHM I Am
Meredith Efken
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
Acknowledgments
My own mommy stories alone could never have filled an entire book. I am especially grateful to the following moms whose humorous anecdotes and life experiences inspired or helped me create many of the events in my book: Joan Hall, Daisy Witherell Déry, Nicole Small, Allison Wilson, Kathy Fuller, Vickie McDonough, Barbara Curtis, Tina Pinson, Megan DiMaria, Tricia Nguyen and Amy Kampfer.
A young mom like me finds it difficult to travel around the country to find out what autumn is like in Washington, or how to “talk Texan,” so I rely on my many Internet friends to help me research their local settings. Anything I got right is due to their help, and anything I got wrong is my own fault. A big thank-you to these friends who shared with me what life is like in their corners of the U.S.: Linda Baldwin, Wanda Brunstetter, Sunni Jeffers, Lynette Sowell, Mary DeMuth, Eileen Key, Staci Stallings, Marion Bullock, Karen Witemeyer, Donna Gilbert, DiAnn Mills and Kathleen Y’Barbo.
I could not have brought life to the fictional SAHM I Am e-mail loop without having experienced the joys and trials of belonging to several e-mail communities. The loop for members of American Christian Fiction Writers is an excellent example of the support, encouragement and friendship available through the Internet, and I thank God for the privilege of being part of their fellowship.
Writing a book can be a lonely experience, but thanks to a support network of authors, agents, editors and friends, I’ve found my heart gladdened and my writing skills sharpened. A special thank-you to Ron Sammons of A Finer Choice, LLC, for making my author photo look so nice. He’s been a friend to my family for many years, and it was a privilege to have him involved with my book in this way. I so appreciate those who have read my manuscript, in whole or part, or who have helped me with other aspects of writing this book: Camy Tang, Kristin Billerbeck, Mary Griffith and Brandilyn Collins. In addition, the following people have my deepest respect and appreciation for the contributions they’ve made in my life and my career:
Deb Raney—fellow author who has given me encouragement, advice and a great education about the behind-the-scenes life of an author. When I first started writing, I begged God to give me a mentor, and in Deb, He supplied more than that. He gave me a special friend.
Andrea Boeshaar—part coach, part cheerleader and 100% wonderful agent who believes in me even when I doubt myself, and whose hard work and commitment to my books helped me turn my dream of becoming an author into reality.
Randy Ingermanson—another dear friend and fellow author who read my manuscript in draft form and gave me a great critique. In addition to sharing my book with his daughters (who decided to give Rosalyn’s “Father’s Homecoming” ideas a test-drive, resulting in much hilarity in the Ingermanson household), he always looks for a chance to encourage me, promote my book, make me laugh and help me become a better writer. His generosity and friendship is such a blessing.
Stephenie McBride—my best friend and former college roommate. It’s not often that a writer is blessed with a friend who is also an avid reader and an expert in the book’s subject matter, but I am so blessed. Steph read my book in manuscript form and also helped me with several areas of research. I’m grateful for her feedback and for sharing her experiences with me and for being a sister of my heart for so many years.
Krista Stroever—my editor at Steeple Hill, who was willing to take a chance on my crazy book, nontraditional format, unique subject matter and all. I’ve learned a lot working with her, and I’m a better writer because of it.
CONTENTS
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
BEGIN READING
SAHM I Am
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. With which one of the characters do you most strongly identify? Why? How does that make you feel?
2. The “Green Eggs and Ham” girls (Dulcie, Jocelyn, Phyllis, Brenna and Zelia) have close friendships, despite knowing each other only through the Internet. How do you think they developed that relationship? What are some cultural barriers we face today in forming close friendships? How can we overcome these barriers, and how important is it to do so?
3. Which character is the “voice” of the many expectations placed on women and men? What are some expectations you feel pressured to meet, and how do you feel about this? Where do these expectations come from and why do they exist? How reasonable are they? What do you think can be the result from trying to perform to these standards?
4. During the weekly discussion concerning what books the SAHM I Am loop members are reading, there is a lot of talk about nonfiction versus fiction and the relative merits of each. Compare the attitudes of Rosalyn and Connie on this subject with Phyllis’s view of it. What does it mean for a book to “nourish the soul,” and what books have you read that have accomplished that in your life? What role, if any, does entertainment play in this nourishing process?
5. During a discussion on what their lives were like before they had children, Phyllis makes this comment: “I love my children. I love my husband. But there are days when I feel like I am living their lives instead of my own. And I have a feeling that some morning, after they’re grown or gone, I’m going to wake up and realize my life ended a long time ago, that Phyllis Lorimer died without anyone—including me—noticing.” In what ways can you identify with this statement? How can we balance our own individuality and personhood with the demands of caring for our families or fulfilling other responsibilities? Why is it so difficult to find time to maintain this balance? What happens if we neglect this balance and either live totally for ourselves or totally for other people?
6. What is the source of most of Dulcie and Tom’s marital conflicts? If you were Becky (Tom’s sister) or one of Dulcie’s friends, what advice would you give them about their relationship with each other?
7. Dulcie’s self-image is a constant source of stress for her. What aspects of your own self-image are a struggle for you? From where do our unrealistic expectations of ourselves come? What can we do about it? What does Dulcie mean when she says, “There’s more to being content with myself than fitting into a certain clothing size”?
8. Think about the characters in this story who have been, or will be, touched by adoption in some form or another. Do you know people who are part of this “adoption triangle”—adoptee, adoptive parent or birth mother? What are some of their feelings about adoption? How are their experiences, or the ones of the characters in this book, different than the typical portrayal of adoption in the media or in books? What do you think about the following conversation between Brenna’s husband, Darren, and their daughter, Madeline, regarding her new understanding of adoption?
“Well, I was thinking on the bus about it. And it’s sort of like God, you know?”
“God? In what way, squirt?”
“Well, you know, like how God made us part of His family—when we’re born again. That’s what they say at church. So, are we adopted, Daddy? Are we?”
9. Brenna and Darren struggle with accepting Darren’s infertility. Both male and female infertility can be devastating for a couple who desire a child. Why is this? How do you think our culture (both secular and Christian) views people who are infertile? What should our response be toward someone in this position? How can we create a more accepting and supportive environment for people dealing with this problem?
10. Phyllis and Jonathan are deeply wounded by the church they were serving. In what ways do our churches most commonly wound people? Why does this happen when Christians are supposed to be known by their love? How can we be part of the solution in preventing such wounds from being inflicted? What is the most healthy way to respond when a Christian hurts you? How can we show love and concern for a person who has been hurt by the church?
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
Our current notion of “stay-at-home mom” grew out of the Victorian era of the Industrial Revolution, when it became fashionable for middle-class and wealthy women to stay home while their husbands went off to work. Prior to this, most families, except the upper class, operated cottage industries from their homes, requiring both parents to work together to maintain the business as well as raise children. During the post-WWII years, women were encouraged to stay home in order to create job openings for the men returning from war. The Stay-At-Home Mother became the ideal for motherhood—the calm, gracious, well-groomed perfect housekeeper, always ready with milk and cookies, whose children were the epitome of good manners and obedience.
Is this reality for any of you? Yeah…me neither. Yet, it seems many of us are still trying to attain that myth of domestic perfection, and when we fail, we feel guilty. Let’s face it—for a lot of us, being a SAHM is not the Utopia we are often taught to expect. Our tasks are myriad, tedious and repetitive, and the pay is often loneliness, frustration and a sense of failure. The rest of the non-SAHM world tends to view us as pathetic creatures who are wasting our talents and abilities on wiping noses, changing diapers and cleaning house. Honestly, some days, it feels like they’re right!
Even though we know in our hearts that what we are doing has incredible value and that staying home with our kids is really and truly a special privilege and blessing, it’s often hard to remember this in the middle of a child’s temper tantrum or while cleaning up the globs of jelly on the kitchen floor. That’s why I wrote this book. Somehow it’s easier to handle the challenges of this life when we have someone give us a hug and say, “I totally understand.” Consider my story that empathetic hug.
It’s hard to be empathetic without being realistic, though. So, in this book, you’ll notice that the characters tend to be pretty frank with each other and deal with issues that are as messy as a two-year-old eating spaghetti. I tried not to give easy answers or the typical Christian platitudes most of you are tired of hearing. In fact, my goal wasn’t to give answers at all—they’re not mine to give. But if you read this story and come away feeling encouraged, understood or having a better comprehension of what being a SAHM is really like, then I’ve done my job. And if you have a bit of fun in the process, all the better.
I want to give you some additional information regarding a few of the issues in the story. You or your friends may be dealing with these things, and it’s nice to know where to find helpful resources. This is by no means a complete list, but it should get you started:
Embryo Adoption: Endorsed by Focus on the Family as an excellent way to provide frozen embryos a chance to be born and grow up, embryo adoption is an ethical alternative to many of the more controversial infertility treatments. The Snowflakes program at Nightlight Christian Adoptions has more information about this unique, beautiful way to build a family, www.snowflakes.org.
Motherhood: Christian Mommies, www.christian-mommies.com. Extensive site with lots of articles, a discussion board and other resources.
Infertility: Hannah’s Prayer Ministries—Christian Support For Fertility Challenges, www.hannah.org. This online ministry includes support for both male and female infertility as well as miscarriage, the death of a child, etc.
International Adoption: RainbowKids, www.rainbowkids.com/index.chtml. This extensive Web site is a great starting place to begin researching international adoption and related issues.
Stay-At-Home Mothers: Hearts At Home, www.hearts-at-home.org. This Web site offers a magazine, conference info., bulletin boards and extensive links.
Women: Her Well-Being, e-mail discussion group, www.groups.yahoo.com/group/her-wellbeing. “A practical how-to list for Christian women, offering a listening ear, practical advice and a safe place to talk about ‘women’s stuff’ and share our stories and concerns.” Also, Christian Women Today, www.christianwomentoday.com, an extensive Web site with articles, discussion forums, advice columns and just about any other resources to help and encourage women in all stages of life.
E-mail loops like the one in the story can be found for most of these topics and just about any others through Yahoo Groups (www.groups.yahoo.com) and similar sites. You can do a search for your subject and peruse the list of available groups, then subscribe to the ones you are interested in. Some groups are more nurturing and considerate of people’s feelings than others, so you might have to try several before finding one that is a good fit for you.
Visit my Web site, www.meredithefken.com, for more information about me, my upcoming books, additional articles and resources on some of these subjects and support for writers. I would love to hear from you and give you the opportunity to receive my newsletter, so please send me an e-mail at meredith@meredithefken.com or snail-mail me c/o Steeple Hill, 233 Broadway, Ste. 1001, New York, NY 10279.
Thank you again for choosing my book to read. May God richly bless you.
Hey Honey Sis!
Just little ol’ me, letting all y’all know we’re home from Italy. Great to be back on our native TEXAS soil. Frank and I were so disappointed you couldn’t make it to the wedding, though we understand it was short notice, bless your heart. Mama and Daddy said it was the most beautiful wedding in the world. I thought that was a tad insensitive considering your wedding was pretty, too, but I do believe mine was the day of my dreams—designer gown, gorgeous Italian husband, sunset on the beach, all my friends. And dear Patricia gave me a promotion and a raise as a wedding gift. You’d have had to scrape me off the floor I was so surprised! I’ll be headed back to work tomorrow with a ring on my finger and the title of senior public relations manager for the biggest marketing firm in Houston!
I wish you could see how great Ashley, Courtney and Stanley took to their new Nana and Papa. Mama and Daddy were fussing over them so much, you’d never know they already have three grandchildren. How ARE y’all’s sweet little kiddos, anyway? I can’t hardly wait for them to meet my stepchildren. My darlings and me just love each other to pieces already—the poor dears needed a mother. Frank and them treat me like I’m some hero, bless their hearts. And Mama said if there was a mother-of-the-year award, I deserved it, taking on a 9-, 6-, and 4-year-old, and me only 30 years old! I said, “Well, Rosalyn just turned 32, and she has 3 kids.” Mama laughed and said, “True, but she doesn’t have any career or social life, so what else could she do but have children?”
I’m attaching pictures of the wedding and our Italian honeymoon. Frank took all the Italy pictures, and he’s already griping about the wedding photos. But he’s such an artist about his photography, I didn’t expect nothing else. So there ya go. Enjoy!
Ciao,
Mrs. Veronica Marcello, WIFE of Francesco Marcello (doesn’t that sound beautiful?)
Blessed Mothers,
I hope you are having a FABULOUS day at home with your precious little ones. I know I am. It’s a sunny, beautiful morning here in Hibiscus, WA. Jefferson, my five-year-old, just gave me a bouquet of flowers he picked from our garden. He gave me a kiss and said, “Daddy gives you flowers so I wanted to, too.” Isn’t that just the sweetest thing?
Our Topic of the Week is all about how to have a healthy self-image without being self-centered. Some ways I do that are:
1) Make a list of all the nice things people say about me. (This took a while since there were many things to write.)
2) Make a list of all the things I’m good at.
3) Make a list of my best accomplishments.
4) Make a list of things I need to improve. (Fortunately, this was relatively short.)
5) Write out all the verses in the Bible that talk about how much God loves me. (I whipped this one out during my quiet time this morning. It only took two hours, leaving me with enough time to go jogging before my children woke up and DH had to leave for work.)
As you can see, I’m into lists. What about you ladies? What can you do to promote a positive self-image?
As always, humbled to be serving you as,
Rosalyn Ebberly
SAHM I AM Loop Moderator
“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:27 (NASB)
’cause Griffith just ate one.
Z
Zelia,
No, he’ll be fine. Tyler ate a lizard when he was 2, and he’s managed to survive to the ripe old age of 8. Don’t worry.
Speaking of Tyler, you all have to cheer for his soccer team tomorrow night. Go PIKES!!!
Jocelyn
That’s a relief. Of course, I should be more worried about whether or not Seamus will live to see his 7th birthday. Turns out, he talked little brother into swallowing the worm. Threatened to cut the head off Griffith’s Big Bird if he didn’t chow down. When Tristan got home, Seamus had to confess it all to daddy.
So Tristan puts on his James Earl Jones voice, all low and rumbly with that Zimbabwean/English accent (oooh, gives me tingles just thinking about it) and looks WAYYYY down at Seamus, whose little brown body is now trembling in boxer pj’s. “Seamus,” he says, “did you force your brother to eat a worm?”
Seamus has the nerve to squeak out that he did not FORCE Griffith to eat the worm, he merely SUGGESTED that it might be the only way to save Big Bird. So Tristan says, “Son, you will go TO your room, and I will dee-al with you in a moment.” I tell you, even I shivered at that. No one is as good at sounding ominous and foreboding as my husband!
Daddy’s little girl, Cosette, knows no fear. She marches over to him, looks up with those huge brown eyes and says, “Daddy, be careful with Seamus. He’s still in his formative years.”
Tristan remains granite-faced. He taps Cosette’s nose and says, “Yes, little one, and so he shall be formed, while there’s still time for it.” I just LOVE how he talks!
The short of it is that Seamus will not be able to go with us to the children’s museum tomorrow, but instead has to stay with Molly—a friend of mine who has a five-year-old girl, Allison, who loves to play “getting married” and makes Seamus be the groom every time we visit. A worse punishment couldn’t be found!
So, to quote the Bard, “All’s well that ends well” and “Come, come, you froward and unable worms!”
Z
Hi Girls,
Loop Mom Connie here. I just wanted to send a friendly reminder to put OT for “Off Topic” in the subject heading of e-mails not pertaining to the weekly topic. We have over three hundred moms on this loop, and including OT in the subject helps us sort through the e-mails we aren’t interested in. Not that I’m not interested in all the little details of your lives, like worms and soccer games, but we really need to focus.
TTFN,
Connie Lawson
SAHM I AM Loop Mom
I really don’t think anything related to children could reasonably be considered off topic in a discussion group for stay-at-home moms.
Z
Zelia Muzuwa wrote:
<I really don’t think anything related to children could reasonably be considered off topic in a discussion group for stay-at-home moms.>
