скачать книгу бесплатно
Ali watched as he began to read a stack of papers he’d brought with him, apparently not noticing her. Ali ducked behind Michelle and picked up her water glass, wishing again that maintenance would do something about the air. It was stifling.
“—so that’s why I looked for a fantasy man.”
Ali looked at Michelle, hoping she hadn’t missed much. “Fantasy man?”
Michelle laughed and pushed away her plate. “It sounds pathetic, but every store I went into I looked at picture frames hoping to find just the right model’s face behind the glass—someone who could seem real to me—the kind of man I’d be attracted to and go out with if given the chance.”
“Did you ever find one?”
Michelle smiled. “Not in a picture frame. I met Kevin on a cruise—one that left the same day I was inseminated. And as they say, the rest is history.”
Ali peeked around Michelle and caught “Darling” Brad staring at her, those damnable blue eyes boring into her, and she felt a pink tinge travel up her neck. He didn’t smile or acknowledge her in any way. Maybe he was trying to remember where he’d seen her before. Or maybe he knew exactly where and that was the problem.
“Ali? Are you okay?”
“Uh…sure. Fine.” She waved her hand in front of her face. “Just off in la-la land. I do that sometimes.”
“Overactive imagination?”
“Something like that.”
“Was that all you wanted to ask me?”
Was there anything else? Only one thing came to mind.
“I don’t mean to sound like a wuss, but did it hurt?”
“More than I had anticipated, but not too bad…and it’s over rather fast. A lot faster than the other end of the process, believe me. I’m sure you’ll hear enough of those stories when your time comes.”
When her time came. Not if. Michelle believed it would happen. Ali hoped she was right and that her sisters’ problems wouldn’t plague her, too. Over Michelle’s shoulder she saw Blue Eyes leave the room, papers under his arm, empty tray in front of him. He had a confident yet not cocky gait, and again she noticed his narrow waist, long, lean legs and sinewy arms. And he had to be smarter than the average bear in his profession. Good genes, she thought. What more could she hope for?
“Do you have a time table in mind?”
He disappeared around the corner and Ali gave Michelle her full attention. She hadn’t even told her sisters this, but Michelle had been so forthright it seemed okay to do. Besides, she’d been dying to tell someone. Who better than a trusted friend who’d been there?
Still she felt herself blush when she said, “Actually…any day now.”
Michelle reached for her hand and squeezed it. “That’s wonderful, Ali. I wish you luck. I know this is a very private matter for you, but if you ever want to talk again, I’m more than willing to meet you anytime. Just call.”
“Thank you. I will.” It was good to talk with someone outside the family who didn’t see her as a child. Even though Michelle was closer to Lynne and Barbara’s ages, she had never treated Ali as anything other than a peer.
They walked slowly to the tray deposit area and Ali was tempted to tell Michelle more—how she thought she had found the perfect fantasy father. But in the end she decided some things were better kept to one’s self.
After work, in the privacy of her apartment, Ali went to her desk and found the long list of potential donors from the Midwest data bank. Retrieving her planner from her purse, she flipped to the memo section and read Brad’s file number that she had jotted down at work. With fingers trembling she scanned the donor pages, searching for the unique number. On page five she found it. Next to it read: five-foot ten inches, 175 pounds, blue eyes—oh, yes, very blue eyes, she remembered—and black hair. Field of work: medicine.
Before she could change her mind, she raced into the kitchen and dialed the cross-town clinic. When the secretary answered the phone, Ali read her selection in a shaky voice and said to expect her later in the week, probably Thursday or Friday. She was assured all would be ready and waiting.
But it wasn’t until Saturday morning, the day of the football game, that Ali discovered the time was right. She’d tested herself twice and come up with the same results both times: she was finally ovulating. Fortunately it was only 6:00 a.m. The clinic opened at seven. There was still time to make the game if she hurried. She called and said she was on her way.
Traffic was light as she drove I75 north to Royal Oak and she was making good time. Her stomach grumbled from lack of food, but there was no way she could eat. Her heart felt as though it were racing to keep up with the speedometer.
Finally she pulled into the clinic’s parking lot, took a few calming breaths and ran through everything again—family history of fertility problems, good men were hard to find, nothing wrong with wanting a face for the baby’s father. She lingered on the last one. Michelle had felt the same way, so this wasn’t unusual. And it wasn’t as if she planned to hold the guy up for child support or anything. She didn’t want a thing from him. Just a real person behind the sterile vial.
Lastly she thought about child care. She could ask her sisters for help if she wanted to return to work, or if she didn’t, thankfully the income from her wise investments was large enough so she could stay home and be a full-time mom. The latter sounded most appealing. She closed her eyes and imagined the soft skin of her baby’s cheek against her neck, the fresh scent of baby powder…and the beautiful sky-blue eyes of the father.
Yes, this was the right thing to do. Today was the day.
Three
Back in her bed midmorning, Ali wiped away another tear. All the way home she had cried. She was surprised there was anything left.
Everything had gone well. Too well. More like coldly efficient. Her hand circled her belly and she wondered what was going on in there. Maybe it had happened already. At the clinic they had warned her not to get her hopes up too high, that it often took a few tries. But they didn’t warn her that she might feel so blue. In spite of all the facts she had collected, this wasn’t how she had imagined things would happen.
Yes, she had wanted a baby, but always in her dreams there had been this wonderful man who adored her, who she loved with total abandon, whose arms would be wrapped tightly around her at a time like this.
She never felt so alone in her life.
She closed her eyes and tried to summon up the blue eyes, the dimpled smile. Only a vague blur, nothing in focus.
The phone on the nightstand rang. She let the machine pick it up. Then she heard Lynne’s voice and she rolled over and grabbed the receiver.
“I’m just leaving the house. Pick you up out front in about twenty minutes.” When Ali didn’t respond immediately, Lynne said, “Are you all right?”
“Hmm? Oh…just a little sleepy.”
“Well, go splash some cold water on your face and wake up. It’s a beautiful day out. Wear something lightweight.”
Ali replaced the receiver and gingerly lowered her legs to the floor. She knew she was being overly cautious, but she dreaded standing and walking around. She had a mad desire to stand on her head in the corner. She’d heard somewhere that it helped increase your chances.
Suddenly she laughed out loud at her weird musings. This was a day to celebrate, not to be maudlin. She’d been taking herself far too seriously and it was time that changed. She opened the closet bifolds and stared inside.
Lynne and the game would be a fun diversion…as long as she didn’t tell her sister about this morning. No, before she talked to her sister about things again, Ali would wait until there was real news.
She found a short-sleeved maize pullover with University of Michigan stitched in blue over the breast pocket. She changed quickly and after tucking her top into a pair of jeans, she stood in front of the dresser mirror, meeting her eyes head-on.
Did she look different somehow? She told herself no and raced for the elevator.
But as she stepped into the lobby and strode out the door she felt as though a neon sign hung over her head announcing to the world what she had just done.
With two minutes left in the first half, Michigan was ahead by ten points. Ali turned to Lynne and said, “Think I’ll head up to the concession stand before the line is too long. Can I bring you anything?”
“Hot dog with mustard and a diet Coke. Want me to come along?”
“Not unless you want to. I can manage.”
“I’ll stay here, then. Not in the mood to fight the crowd.”
Apparently others had had the same idea as Ali; when she approached the concession all the lines were at least twenty deep. She queued up and scanned the crowd looking for familiar faces. With attendance exceeding one hundred thousand at every game there were many times she would never see a person she knew. It looked as if today would be one of those days.
“Ali?”
She turned at the sound of her name. Just behind her in the next line she spotted Michelle. She stepped closer and the two women embraced.
“I didn’t know you were coming,” Michelle said. “We could have driven together.”
“I’m with my sister Lynne. Is your husband here?”
“Somewhere in this chaos.”
“I’m glad he got some time off.”
“Well, he’s not totally off. He brought a couple of young doctors with him. He’s got his eye on one of them to sponsor as a surgical resident.”
The lines inched forward and they talked about the game and the beautiful weather, while all along Ali itched to tell Michelle about this morning. But the crowd had packed in tighter and there was no way their conversation wouldn’t be overheard. She had a fleeting vision of the whole area falling dead still at the exact moment she uttered something such as “sperm bank,” and she chuckled under her breath.
“If your sister isn’t in a rush to go home, why don’t the two of you join us for pizza after? We’re going to the State Street Grill. We like to eat first and avoid the worst of the traffic jam.”
“I’ll ask her. Thanks.”
Ali reached the head of the line and placed her order. Before she stepped away from the counter, Michelle said, “We’ll never find each other later, so why don’t you just come if you can. We’ll save two extra seats.”
“Okay. If we don’t show, let’s try for lunch early next week.” Michelle nodded and turned in the opposite direction.
When Ali sat next to Lynne, she told her about Michelle’s offer, and Lynne said it sounded like a good plan. They ate their hot dogs and only spilled half of their Cokes when Michigan scored again early in the third quarter. The band played another round of “Hail to the Victors,” and Ali and Lynne shouted out the lyrics along with the rest of the packed house.
It was just as far to the car as to the restaurant, so Ali and Lynne decided to walk. The sidewalks were teaming with fans, all regaling each other with highlights of another big win.
The excitement was infectious and Ali lifted her face to the sun and smiled. What a glorious day. Great weather, great game, great company. And most of all, she very well may have realized one of her life’s biggest dreams. Now she wondered why she had indulged in such a melancholy morning.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Lynne said just outside the restaurant.
“Oh, just enjoying this perfect day.” Lynne opened the door and Ali followed her inside. “Can’t wait for you to meet Michelle. I know you’ll like her.” And Ali couldn’t wait to meet Michelle’s husband. She’d heard so much about Kevin.
The room was elbow to elbow, televisions blasting replays of the game over the din of the crowd. In the back corner Ali spotted Michelle waving her arm and they inched their way through the press of bodies to the rectangular-shaped table along the wall. At one end of the table was a distinguished-looking man she assumed was Kevin. There was gray at his temples with smile lines at the corners of his eyes. His face was tanned, warm and very open. She could see why Michelle—
The two young doctors across from Michelle turned in unison and the air rushed out of Ali’s lungs.
Him! Oh, no. Not today.
Never one to be shy, Lynne had already slipped into the seat next to Michelle and was introducing herself, which meant there was only one seat left at the end of the table. Next to…him.
Michelle introduced her husband and the two young men, Craig and Brad. Ali smiled and choked out an appropriate response as she met each man’s eyes. But when she came to Brad she saw a hint of anxiety on his face, leaving her no doubt that he recalled exactly where they had first met. Thankfully her sister cut the awkward moment short.
“Ali tells me you two have twin preschoolers. That must keep you busy.”
Michelle looked at Kevin lovingly and then back to Lynne. “Yes, they do. But we’re lucky to have such wonderful sitters. Gives us a break now and then. Their grandmothers are probably spoiling them rotten this very moment.”
“Both of your mothers are at home with them?”
“Well, not exactly. My mother died before Abe and Abbie were born, and Kevin’s mom lives in Europe. We’ve sort of adopted a pair of elderly sisters as grandmothers.” Michelle laughed and took Kevin’s hand. “We met them on a cruise the same day we met each other, and they’ve been in our lives ever since.”
Kevin chuckled. “Millie and Hazel are quite the characters. They volunteer at the hospital. You’re bound to run into them someday.” He shook his head and chuckled again. “And believe me, you’ll know them when you do.”
Kevin and Michelle took turns telling about the relentless matchmaking efforts of the older sisters on their cruise, but Ali found it difficult to concentrate. She munched on pizza crust and stared straight ahead, feeling Brad’s eyes fixed on her. Mercifully the conversation drifted to work and he became engaged in a long discussion with Kevin. Finally she felt the tension ease.
With his face turned toward the other end of the table, Ali studied Brad’s pleasing profile. She loved how strands of unruly shiny hair fell across his forehead, giving him a relaxed, uninhibited look. And of course there were his eyes, every bit as powerful as she remembered. They were watching Kevin’s face now. Intense, thinking, processing, never drifting. She liked a person who kept eye contact while conversing. So many didn’t. She liked—
She liked everything she saw. And the nearness of him was driving her crazy. How absurd this whole thing was—her sitting here, acting calm, cool and collected, while at this very moment she may be carrying this man’s child.
Yet as absurd as it seemed, her imagination ran full steam ahead. She wondered if they might go out sometime…if he danced. If maybe—
If maybe she was crazy. She could hear it now. I’d like you to meet my date, Ali. She works at the sperm bank where I make donations.
The waiter came with the check and Kevin picked it up. Everyone had thanked him and they were finishing their drinks when Craig, who had been fairly quiet, looked at his watch. “Gee, it’s later than I thought.”
“Got a hot date waiting?” Brad teased.
“As a matter of fact, yes. But that’s not what I was thinking. I was thinking it’s going to be dark before we get home.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll protect you from the boogeyman.”
“Gee, thanks. But it’s your old lady I was thinking of.”
Ali felt everything inside her go rigid and cold. And Craig’s explanation to Kevin and Michelle did nothing to ease her disappointment.
“Sally will be sitting in the window watching for him when you drop him off. Just wait and see.”
“You’re just jealous you don’t have anyone waiting for you at home.” Everyone laughed as they stood and gathered up their belongings. Everyone except Ali and Lynne, who was looking sympathetically at her sister.
Ali stood, feeling numb, and pushed in her chair. She hated men calling their wives “old lady.” It showed no respect. At the very least Brad could have corrected Craig by using a more endearing term. She sighed. Who was she kidding? It wasn’t what he’d called his wife that bothered her most. It was the fact that he had one.
She lagged behind the others as they made their way to the exit, not wanting anyone to see her face. Tears burned at the back of her eyes. Why had she assumed he was single? The clinic certainly didn’t require it. She swallowed hard and told herself it shouldn’t matter that he was married. She had never planned to have a relationship with the donor anyway. He was strictly a face for the father.
Yet as everyone said their goodbyes and walked their separate ways she realized how much she had hoped for more.
“Wouldn’t you know?” Lynne said, stepping up the pace back to her car.
“What?”
“Brad. I was getting all excited for you, thinking maybe here was a good one. Then the ‘old lady’ remark. I’m feeling frustrated for you, sweetie.” She put her arm around Ali’s shoulder as they walked.
Ali shrugged, trying her best to seem unfazed. “Easy come, easy go.”
They got into the car and Ali found a classical radio station and reclined her seat-back. After twenty minutes of talking about little Keri, Lynne fell silent and Ali was relieved. She was tired of sounding lighthearted. She didn’t have to pretend with Lynne; she could have told her the truth about the source of her emotional pendulum today. But she felt too vulnerable to hear any reproach in her sister’s voice. Besides, she had her pride. If she gave voice to her sadness right now, it would be tantamount to admitting she’d made a mistake.
She hadn’t, she lectured herself. She would be a good mother and surround her baby with love and affection. That was what this morning was about. That was all it was about. If she had made any mistake, it was in letting her imagination run rampant with thoughts of Brad.
If only he’d remained a stranger. But sharing a meal with him, knowing each other on a first-name basis, having mutual friends…
