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A Reason For Being
PENNY JORDAN
Penny Jordan needs no introduction as arguably the most recognisable name writing for Mills & Boon. We have celebrated her wonderful writing with a special collection, many of which for the first time in eBook format and all available right now.She'd unleashed his fury with her jealous lies. Ten years ago teenage Maggie had fled her beloved Deveril House - driven off by Marcus Landersby's savage outrage. Her falsehoods, an attempt to hang on to Marcus, her attractive older step cousin, had backfired horribly. Now Maggie had returned to her home. Reluctantly she'd been drawn back by an urgent letter form Marcus' schoolgirl half-sisters, Susie and Sara.The two motherless girls desperately needed her. But Marcus would never tolerate Maggie's presence. Too many bitter memories stood in the way - and so did his malicious fiancée, Isobel…
Celebrate the legend that is bestselling author
PENNY JORDAN
Phenomenally successful author of more than two hundred books with sales of over a hundred million copies!
Penny Jordan’s novels are loved by millions of readers all around the word in many different languages. Mills & Boon are proud to have published one hundred and eighty-seven novels and novellas written by Penny Jordan, who was a reader favourite right from her very first novel through to her last.
This beautiful digital collection offers a chance to recapture the pleasure of all of Penny Jordan’s fabulous, glamorous and romantic novels for Mills & Boon.
About the Author
PENNY JORDAN is one of Mills & Boon’s most popular authors. Sadly, Penny died from cancer on 31st December 2011, aged sixty-five. She leaves an outstanding legacy, having sold over a hundred million books around the world. She wrote a total of one hundred and eighty-seven novels for Mills & Boon, including the phenomenally successful A Perfect Family, To Love, Honour & Betray, The Perfect Sinner and Power Play, which hit the Sunday Times and New York Times bestseller lists. Loved for her distinctive voice, her success was in part because she continually broke boundaries and evolved her writing to keep up with readers’ changing tastes. Publishers Weekly said about Jordan ‘Women everywhere will find pieces of themselves in Jordan’s characters’ and this perhaps explains her enduring appeal.
Although Penny was born in Preston, Lancashire and spent her childhood there, she moved to Cheshire as a teenager and continued to live there for the rest of her life. Following the death of her husband, she moved to the small traditional Cheshire market town on which she based her much-loved Crighton books.
Penny was a member and supporter of the Romantic Novelists’ Association and the Romance Writers of America—two organisations dedicated to providing support for both published and yet-to-be-published authors. Her significant contribution to women’s fiction was recognised in 2011, when the Romantic Novelists’ Association presented Penny with a Lifetime Achievement Award.
A Reason For Being
Penny Jordan
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
CHAPTER ONE
‘SO YOU’RE really going to do it.’
‘I don’t see that I have much choice, after a letter like that,’ Maggie muttered through the biscuit she was munching.
The letter in question lay on the coffee-table where Maggie had placed it. It was written in a round, schoolgirlish hand, the letters neatly formed, much like her own handwriting at that age.
‘Mm,’ Lara, her flatmate, agreed, sipping the coffee Maggie had made them both. ‘But girls of that age are prone to exaggeration, you know. Are you sure the situation’s as dire as she says? What does she say, exactly?’ she added curiously.
‘Read it for yourself.’ Maggie got up, and Lara watched thoughtfully as her flatmate walked over to the small table. Maggie never ceased to fascinate her, even now, after the length of time they had known one another. There was something very compelling about Maggie: a power she herself wasn’t aware she possessed, a warmth that drew people to her. That she was beautiful as well seemed to be another unfair advantage fate had handed her. When they first met almost ten years ago, Lara had felt envious of the tall, slender redhead with her creamy skin and mysterious dark green eyes. Her envy had not lasted long. Although they were roughly the same age, Maggie had had a maturity about her, a sadness which Lara felt instinctively but had never been allowed to penetrate, Maggie being a very private person. She still possessed that slightly melancholy-tinged mystery, that aura of having withdrawn slightly from the rest of the world to a secret and inviolate place.
Maggie picked up the letter and handed it to her. Lara read it out loud, dark eyebrows lifted in faint amusement.“‘Come home quickly. Something terrible has happened and we need you.” Oh, come on, Maggie,’ she exclaimed wryly. ‘You surely aren’t taking this seriously? If there was really something wrong, someone would have been in touch with you…a telephone call…’
‘No,’ Maggie told her fiercely, her expression changing from its normal one of sweetness to an unfamiliar hardness that made Lara’s eyes widen slightly. She and Maggie had known one another ever since Maggie had first arrived in London and, despite her red hair, Maggie was one of the most placid and gentle people she had ever known. Which was perhaps why she had opted out of the aggressive and demanding world of art and instead used her talents to provide herself with an excellent living illustrating books.
‘But surely someone would have got in touch with you,’ Lara protested. ‘Some older, more responsible member of your family.’ She groped in her memory for more concise details of Maggie’s family and couldn’t find any. In fact, until the letters in that round, schoolgirlish hand had started arriving eight months ago, Maggie hadn’t had any contact with her family at all.
She never talked about them other than to say that her parents were dead and that until their death she had lived with them in the Scottish borders where her father taught at a small private school. After their death she had gone to live with her grandfather, and Lara had rather gathered from her silence on the subject that the relationship had not been a happy one and that that was why, when she had come to London, Maggie had cut herself free of all her family ties.
And yet, from the time of the receipt of that first letter, forwarded to her by the publishers, and the others which had come after it, Maggie had changed. Not discernibly perhaps to those who didn’t really know her, but the difference in her was obvious to Lara and she was intrigued by it.
What was it that lay in her friend’s past that caused that unmistakable aura of restless tension to possess her when the letters arrived? What was it that made the swift hunger fly to her face when she opened the letters, only to be quickly controlled, as though she was desperately afraid of it being observed?
Since the arrival of the letters, Lara had realised what it was about Maggie that set her so unmistakably apart from others. It was the protective cloak of withdrawal she wore at all times to distance herself from others; she was a part of their lives at the same time as she was refusing to allow them to enter anything more than the periphery of hers. Almost as though she was afraid of allowing anyone to get too close to her.
A result of her parents’ death, perhaps, which must have come as a traumatic shock for a sensitive child in her early teens. But Lara suspected there was more to it than that, although she was puzzled to know exactly what.
In another woman she might have ascribed the withdrawal to an unhappy love affair, but Maggie had been seventeen when she’d arrived in London, and since then the men-friends she’d had all been kept strictly at arm’s length.
‘I’ll have to go up there,’ Maggie told her, ignoring her question, her forehead pleating into a frown of concentration. ‘I don’t know how long I’m likely to be gone, Lara. I’ll make arrangements about paying my share of the mortgage etc. while I’m gone. I’ll have to get in touch with my agent…’
As she listened to her, it came to Lara that something deeply buried inside her friend was almost glad of the excuse to go home. While she talked, underneath the anxiety there was a light in her eyes that Lara had never seen before, and with startled perception she realised that she had never really seen Maggie herself before. It was as though the real Maggie had suddenly stepped out from behind the shadow-figure she had used as concealment.
‘You know…you look like someone who’s just been told they’re no longer an outcast from paradise,’ she told her softly.
Instantly Maggie’s expression changed. Wariness crept into her face, her body tensing, as though she was waiting for a blow to fall, Lara recognised. Panic flared in her eyes, obliterating the wariness, and she said edgily, ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’
‘Am I being?’ Lara asked her quietly. ‘We’ve known each other a long time, Maggie, but I think I can number on the fingers of one hand the times you’ve mentioned your home and family, and yet when you do…I wonder what you’re doing living here in London when you would so obviously rather be with them.’
She saw Maggie go pale as though she was going to be sick, her eyes betraying her shock, but, rather to Lara’s surprise, she made no protectively defensive rebuttal of her comment, saying only in a huskily tense voice, ‘I have to go back, Lara. Susie wouldn’t have written like that if they didn’t need me.’
Much as she longed to ask who ‘they’ were, Lara held her tongue. She could see that Maggie was perilously close to the edge of her self-control—another rather odd circumstance in a woman whose smilingly calm manner was normally such a feature of her personality.
‘I don’t suppose you’ll know how long you’ll be gone?’
‘No,’ Maggie agreed shortly, impatiently pushing her hair off her face with one of the narrow, elegant hands that Lara, with her more stocky frame, had once envied so desperately.
‘You’ll have to let Gerald know you’re going,’ Lara reminded her.
Gerald Menzies was the latest in a long line of men who had dated Maggie. Ten years older than her, he was urbane and sophisticated—divorced, with two sons at public school and an ex-wife who was determined that, divorce or not, she was still going to live in the manner to which Gerald’s wealth had accustomed her. He owned a small but extremely fashionable gallery, which was where Maggie had met him. Lara had introduced them, following an approach from Gerald to show some of her work.
Their affair, if indeed their relationship could be described as that, which Lara privately doubted, had endured for nearly ten months. They dated once or twice a week, but as far as Lara could tell Maggie felt no more for Gerald than she had done for any of the other men she had dated over the years.
No, Maggie had never been short of men willing to admire her, but as far as Lara knew she had never been deeply emotionally involved with any of them.
Indeed, at twenty-seven, they were probably the only two of their year at art school who were still not involved in a partnership of one sort or another. For Lara it was because she had ambitions that she knew were going to be hard enough to fulfil, without the added burden of a husband and potentially a family.
But for Maggie it was different. Maggie didn’t share her ambitions. Maggie was made for love, for giving and sharing, but Maggie held everyone who might want to share her life at bay. Carefully, gently, almost without them being aware of it—but keep them at bay she did.
‘I’ll telephone him once I’m there,’ she responded rather vaguely to Lara’s comment.
‘I’ve got a better idea,’ Lara told her firmly. ‘Why don’t you telephone home and find out exactly what the problem is before you go haring up there?’
She could see that her suggestion didn’t find favour with her friend, and for a moment she almost disliked herself for making it. She could see that Maggie was struggling to find an acceptable explanation for her refusal, and, since there was something about Maggie that made you want to be kind to her, she found herself offering, ‘Or perhaps they aren’t on the phone?’
‘Yes…yes. They are, but…’ Maggie had her back to her, but now she turned round. ‘Yes, you’re right. I ought to ring.’
The telephone was on a small table beside the settee. She snatched up the receiver almost as though it was hot to the touch, Lara thought, watching her punch in the numbers with shaking fingers. Numbers which she had quite obviously had no trouble at all in remembering, Lara recognised on a wave of compassion.
She touched her arm, not really surprised to discover the tension of the muscles beneath the fine skin.
‘I’ll leave you to it,’ she whispered, but Maggie shook her head and grabbed hold of her, her colour suddenly very hectic and hot.
‘No…please stay.’
And, because Maggie was holding her so tightly, she was standing right beside the receiver when the ringing stopped and a harsh male voice said, ‘Deveril House?’ with a brusque impatience which, although rather off-putting, was surely no reason for Maggie to start shaking violently. The blood drained from her face and she slammed the receiver back down, holding it there while she shivered and trembled and the delicate bones of her small face stood out in proud relief.
Despite all the questions clamouring in her brain, Lara managed to restrain herself from saying anything other than a dry, ‘A rather formidable gentleman.’
‘My stepcousin,’ Maggie told her shakily. ‘Marcus Landersby.’
And then she dropped down on to the settee with her head in her hands, her body racked by such deep shudders that Lara was genuinely frightened for her. Whatever else Maggie was, she was most definitely not emotionally unstable, rather the opposite, and yet here she was virtually falling to pieces in front of Lara’s eyes. And the explanation for this so out-of-character behaviour lay, Lara was quite sure, with the owner of that enigmatic and grim voice.
Marcus Landersby. She tried to visualise what he might be like, but couldn’t. It was like being given a jigsaw puzzle with too many of the pieces missing to form any kind of real picture.
She left Maggie and went into the kitchen, raiding their small supply of drinks to pour her a restorative brandy.
Maggie shuddered as she drank it, her eyes blank with despair when she raised her head and looked at her flatmate. ‘Sorry about that,’ she apologised thickly.
‘That’s quite a talent this stepcousin of yours has,’ Lara commented lightly, watching the colour come slowly back to her skin. ‘Instant and abject terror…He wouldn’t happen to be related to Dracula, would he?’
Now Maggie was flushed where she had been pale.
‘I can’t talk about it, Lara,’ she apologised huskily. ‘I’m sorry…I must pack. It’s a long drive home, and I’d like to get there while it’s still light.’
So, for all that they had been good friends for ten years, Maggie was still not going to confide in her.
‘I’m sorry,’ Maggie apologised awkwardly a second time. ‘It’s just that…that there are some things that it’s impossible to talk about, even to as good a friend as you.’
‘I’ll help you pack,’ Lara offered, resisting the impulse to press her for at least some hint of what had happened between her and her stepcousin in the past to elicit such a reaction.
‘Thanks.’
ONLY ANOTHER few miles. It was ten years since she had left here, and yet nothing had changed. Of course, she was seeing the countryside at the best time of the year: summer. In the winter these hills were covered in snow, these small villages totally cut off. In the winter it was quite easy to imagine what it must have been like centuries ago, when these border hills were the preserve of the notorious bands of border reivers, both Scots and English, who robbed and killed one another, often conducting vendettas that went on for generation after generation.
Her own family had been one of the most notorious of all such reivers, until they turned respectable during the middle of the eighteenth century when one son’s marriage with a wealthy sugar heiress had removed the need for such nefarious activities. The need, but perhaps not the desire, Maggie acknowledged wryly. It took more than money to eradicate that.
She was in the village now, driving past the small church with its dark graveyard. She gave an intense shudder of fear, remembering the starkness of the new stone that marked her parents’ grave.
With the facility she had learned over the years, her mind switched itself off, protecting her from the pain of memories she could not even now endure.
Turned away from her home, alone, terrified almost out of her mind by what had happened, unable to take in how her world had fallen apart around her, she had fled to London, desperate to lose herself and her shame in its anonymity. She shivered despite the warmth inside her car, a moment of blind panic attacking her. What was she doing coming back? She must be mad. She had to be mad…
She almost turned the car round, and then she remembered Susie’s letter. ‘Come home quickly…we need you.’
How could she ignore that desperate, childish plea?
Susie had been six years old when she’d left, Sara only four—the children of her uncle’s marriage to Marcus’s mother. Her cousins and his half-sisters.
And it had been to Marcus’s care that her grandfather had consigned his underage granddaughters in his will, so Susie had told her in one of her letters.
They were a fated family, the Deverils, or so they said locally. Fated and, some said, cursed, and who could blame them for such thoughts? The death of her own parents in a car crash, followed so quickly by the deaths of Marcus’s mother and her uncle, murdered in an uprising in South Africa when they were out there on holiday, seemed to be evidence that it was true.
Now there were only the three of them: herself, Susie and Sara…and of course, Marcus. But Marcus wasn’t a Deveril, for all that he lived in Deveril House and administered its lands. While she…while she had been cast out of her home…like Lucifer thrown out of Heaven.
And now she was doing what she had once sworn she would never do. She was coming back. She started to tremble violently, and had to grip the steering wheel to control the shuddering tremors. So much guilt…so much remorse…so much pain. When she looked back now across the chasm of the decade which separated her present-day self from the teenager she had been, she could only feel appalled by the enormity of what she had done.
No, she couldn’t blame Marcus for telling her to leave.
She was a different person now, though. A person who had learned the hard way what life was all about. A person who had learned to control those teenage impulses and emotions. Marcus would see that she had changed…that she…
Appalled, she swerved to a halt, for once uncaring of her driving, but luckily she had the road to herself. Was that why she was going back…to prove to Marcus that she had changed? No…of course it wasn’t. She was going back because of Susie’s letter…nothing else. What she had once felt for Marcus had died a long time ago. The shame and agony she had endured when Marcus had ripped aside the fantasy she had woven had seen to that. Not one single vestige of those teenage feelings was left. She was like a burned-out shell…a woman who outwardly possessed all the allure of her sex, but who inwardly was so scarred by what she had endured that it was impossible for her to allow herself to love any man.
That was her punishment…the price she had had to pay. And she had learned to pay it with pride and courage, unflinchingly facing the ghosts of her past whenever they rose up to taunt and mock her…whenever a new man came into her life, and she felt…nothing, nothing at all.
What she had done…What she had done lay in the past, and if Marcus tried to make her leave her home a second time she would have to remind him that, under the terms of her grandfather’s will, Deveril House was one-third hers.
Although she didn’t know it, the burning glow in her eyes was that of someone who had found a longed-for purpose in life. Her cousins needed her…quite why, she did not know yet, but she would find out, and, no matter how Marcus might choose to taunt or humiliate her, while they had that need she was not going to be moved from her determination to help them.
Coming back wasn’t going to be easy—there would be the curious speculation of the village to face—but the long, arid years away had taught her how much her spirit craved what only this place seemed able to give her.
She had found peace here after her parents’ death, and she had bonded herself to the land which had belonged for so long to her family. That she had bonded herself also to Marcus she preferred not to think about, because to travel down that path meant travelling down into the mouth of Hell itself. It struck her like a bitter taste in the mouth that, concealed within her desire to help her cousins, there might also be a kernel of her old abject and foolish need to receive absolution…to receive forgiveness…to be freed from the burdens of her past and able to walk upright once more, no longer chained by guilt and pain.
But no, that wasn’t so. She had learned the hard way to come to terms with what she had done, to acknowledge that, after the way she had injured Marcus, there could be no absolution. Not from herself, and certainly not from him.
As though it was yesterday, if she closed her eyes she could still see the fury in his eyes, smell his rage like sulphur in the air, feel the shock of her pronouncement as it ricocheted around the room.
‘No!’ he had cried out passionately. ‘God, no. None of it is true!’
And her grandfather, looking into her face, had seen for himself that she had lied. She would carry the memory of the look in his eyes with her for the rest of her life. That, and the knowledge that she had deserved every acid barb, every cruel word Marcus had thrown at her.
She leaned her head on the steering wheel, sweat dampening her upper lip, nausea clawing at her stomach, while her whole body shook with the violence of her emotions as the memories she wanted to suppress tormented her from behind the barriers she had erected against them.
But she had not wasted the last ten years, and the hardy way she fought back and regained her self-control showed the value of the lessons she had learned. Hard lessons…necessary lessons…sometimes shockingly abrasive lessons to a seventeen-year-old who, until she ran away to London, had experienced very little reality.
Guilt had motivated her in those early years, fuelling a cool independence as she fought not to give in to her need to go home.
‘Get out. Get out of this house and never come back,’ Marcus had said…and she had done just that, losing herself in the harsh anonymity of London’s seething streets.
What might have happened to her if Lara hadn’t found her? Lara, who had been toughened by her parents’ divorce and the reality of travelling the world with her journalist father, living in nearly every one of its great cities. Lara, who had come across her crying her eyes out in one of London’s famous parks. Lara, who had insisted on dragging her home with her. Lara, who, on learning that, like her, Maggie should have been starting art school that autumn, had prevailed upon her father to finance them both.
He was living in Mexico now, John Philips, married and retired, and they rarely saw him, but Maggie knew she would never forget him.
Financially she owed him nothing, she had paid him back every penny, and he had let her, knowing how much it meant to her; but there were other debts…and none as great as the one she owed Lara. She felt guilty that she had not confided in her friend, but right from the start she had been grimly determined that no one else should know of her folly and humiliation. Because, despite the fact that she had known what she had done was wrong, she had genuinely believed that Marcus loved her. She had genuinely believed that.
It was selfish, this dwelling on the mistakes of her past; she had come here for one reason and one alone. She had missed her two young cousins, the children from her uncle’s second marriage to Marcus’s mother, but she would never have tried to make contact with them if Susie hadn’t chanced to see her name on the jacket of a book she had illustrated, and written to her care of the publisher.
They had been corresponding for eight months now. Letters she was quite sure Marcus knew nothing about.
The sickness gradually wore off and she started the engine wearily. These dauntingly draining bouts of nervous reaction had gradually lessened over the years; she had learned to recognise the symptoms which heralded their arrival and to take evasive action. It was noticeable that she was far more vulnerable to them at such times as Christmas and family celebrations…times when the past refused to stay locked away in the deepest recesses of her memory.
