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Avril chips in, ‘Or at least smash it up a bit.’
I see four heads jerk, and in the corner of my eye I detect one smile, Lawrence’s smile, so secret that even he lowers his own eyes.
Rachel laughs, ‘Well, don’t let us stop you, Av, if you feel so strongly,’ but suddenly she is serious: ‘I do think that we should do something; I do think that something should be done.’ She stops to look around us, to check that she is speaking for all of us.
I have to point out, ‘Not something that will put us in a similar correctional institution, but for a lot longer than a week.’
She slots her hair down behind her ears, a decisive movement, the opposite of a shrug, to imply that she had already thought of this; and pointedly says nothing, Goes without saying.
I stand up and take a few paces to stretch my legs, to uncoil the blood that is sunk deep in them. The blood moves so slowly that it feels granular. I stroll down a wall of books. The spines are slotted so tightly together that I cannot imagine how any of them are ever taken away from the others. Many of them are ringed with combinations of various leathers, coloured from yellow to mahogany, and finished with a chain of gold letters. But, oddly, I am drawn to the pamphlets which are placed here and there in the impressive display. Their spines are too thin for the labels of their catalogue numbers, which are wrapped around regardless like tatty and useless plasters. I start with one of these pamphlets, reach and hook a finger over the top of one of the furry cardboard spines and beckon it down to me. It falls easily from two swollen hoary spines and drops into my hands like a dead butterfly. I walk across the room, the blood purring now in my calves, and push my pamphlet between two bulky books.
As I turn around, Susie stands so abruptly that it is as if a line has been cut and she has bobbed to the surface. Her walk, though, is purposeful. I am not sure that I have ever seen her like this, and certainly not this week, when her only freely-chosen movement has been her stumble down the corridor to the phone. Now she selects a big book, the weight of which seems to surprise her, but to which she rises. She carries this book in a firm fold of arms which is further clamped by a frown of concentration. On the other side of the room, she swaps the book for another, which she swaps for yet another to cover her tracks.
With Trina, it is different. She stands with a slap of the table, skips to the wall to snatch a slimmer book which she moves to the shelf below, and runs with the newly-displaced volume to other shelves where she shuffles books. Whenever she pushes a book into place, she delivers an extra slap to the spine. Rachel has been watching us, levered high on her arms: her gaze scans us and in a few seconds she has seen the implications. Suddenly she is up, and busy with books. She zigzags the room more than we do, seems to cut deeper into the order of the shelves. Avril moves one pamphlet, but when she returns to her chair, her face is transformed, full and vivid with a smile. Lawrence pauses to decide where to put his book but in the end fails to manage anything worse than a clean swap, which is better than nothing.
After a minute or two, we clunk back into our chairs, on to our table. The library is no longer fully functional, but looks no different from before, remains beautiful. The damage is invisible, and beyond repair. There are too few misplaced books to raise suspicion: if a book is missing from its place on the shelf, then it is on loan, or it is a unique loss; if a book is found in an inappropriate place, then this is a simple mistake, a small carelessness. No one will ever know what we have done. The return of books to their proper places will be haphazard and piecemeal. Eventually some books will wash up, but never all of them; some will stay sunk on these shelves forever.
3 TIE-BREAKER (#ulink_adc6a523-0943-597f-bead-e3fb62f10583)
I kick open the kitchen door, my hands full of my colouring book and pens.
Inside, Mum is telling Dad, ‘She should have a proper meal.’
I slide onto a chair, sit up at the table.
Mum says to me, ‘Can’t you go in there?’ and her head jerks towards the door, the living-room.
‘I need a surface.’
Noisily clearing too much space for my book and pens, she continues, ‘I don’t want her to go back again without having had some proper food.’
She means Alison.
‘Well,’ Dad says cheerily to his newspaper, ‘she said she’d have salad.’
‘But when she says salad, she means salad cream. She pushes the salad around her plate then mops up the salad cream with bread; haven’t you seen her do that?’
‘Her grandmother is a greengrocer, remember; I’m sure that she has plenty of greens.’
‘Her grandmother works too hard, her grandmother is too old and tired to play mum. I wouldn’t be surprised if the last thing that she wants to see at the end of the day is a green; I wouldn’t blame her if she nips two doors down to Giuseppe for chips.’
Whenever Mum takes us into the shop, Alison’s grandma gives each of us an apple: this means three apples now that Michaela has teeth. Eliza and I say Thanks-Mrs-Mortimer, Michaela’s version is Ta-Mi-Moma. None of us are keen on apples, but we pretend. Mum tells Dad that the apples are embarrassing, that they make us look like scroungers; but when he says that she can always go somewhere else, her answer is I’ve shopped there since the day I was married and I suppose I’ll shop there until the day I drop.
Dad says, ‘I think that Mrs Mortimer and Tim are coping very well.’
Mum’s hands are propped on her hips, they look like claws. ‘Coping. They’ll need to do more than cope. You think she’s coming back, don’t you. You’re a fool, like Tim.’
Uncle Tim, Alison’s dad, has a gold tooth in the corner of his smile. I love that tooth, it must have a story to it, like a locket or a scar. Mum says, That tooth always surprises me, you’d never think that he was the type. I could try a gold tooth for the face I am drawing in my book; but of the pens that I have, the closest to gold is yellow. And yellow is not quite the same. A yellow tooth would be quite different.
Across the table from me, Dad warns, ‘Shhh,’ and cocks his head towards the door.
‘Oh, she knows,’ Mum says. ‘It’s you men who won’t believe that her mother has abandoned you.’
Another, ‘Shhh,’ but this nod is for me.
‘Oh, Madam’s oblivious when she’s drawing.’
I hardly even remember what Alison’s mum looked like; she went away so long ago. She was not around for Christmas last year, or even the summer holidays. Of course I remember her hair, the colour of her hair: close to the colour of Uncle Tim’s tooth. One of the tricks of the trade, was Mum’s joke, because Auntie Anne had been a hairdresser. Perhaps she is a hairdresser, in her new life – Mum told me that she has a new life. She was supposed to have given up when she married Uncle Tim but she never quite did, because sometimes we were put on a high stool in the middle of her kitchen so that she could trim our hair. When she was trimming my hair, I could smell her perfume, handcream, and washing powder, I would close my eyes and listen to her special scissors, her sleeve on her arm, her high heels whenever she took one of her definite steps to one side or the other. Sometimes a cold blade would brush my forehead, the tip of my ear. Feathers of hair would fall and settle on my shoulders, then eventually topple and fall onto the tiles in a circle around me. My fallen hair was darker than Eliza’s: we dropped trails of hair that did not mix. And then, not wanting to leave her out, Auntie Anne would graze Michaela’s baby fluff with her blades.
Dad leans harder over his newspaper but says sideways to Mum, ‘You worry too much, Alison’s hardly tubby.’
‘Oh, I know that; that’s my point: she’s a scrap, she’s looking poorly.’ Mum has come to the table and picked up my black pen, she is tapping the tabletop with the white lidded tip.
Dad says, ‘She’s missing her mum.’
‘Aren’t we all, but we have to keep going.’ The pen returns to the others, is slotted into line.
‘Her brother seems better.’
‘Oh, that bruiser. I’m glad we never had a boy.’
‘But, he’s older, he has friends.’
And today he is with those friends, playing football somewhere, leaving us in peace. The boy in my picture is wearing shorts which are too long to be football shorts. His knees are chubby, like the girl’s cheeks; I am going to have to use a lot of pink.
When Mum went to have Michaela in hospital, Eliza and I had to stay with Auntie Anne whenever Dad was at work. Just like Alison and Jason, now, staying sometimes with Mrs Mortimer. Mum had problems with Michaela, she was in hospital for weeks before Michaela was born. So for weeks I stayed in Auntie Anne’s kitchen while she cooked, washed up, tidied, ironed. And this was what I wanted: I did not want her to worry over me, I wanted to colour in the pictures in my books while she hummed and turned between the sink, the cooker, the cupboards. I wondered about Mum: where she was, what she was doing, and what if she never came back. While I was colouring, I liked to listen to Eliza playing with Jason and Alison in the garden, their laughs sliding into the kitchen on the sunshine, over the blue and white tiles. I liked to hear Auntie Anne’s laugh, too, when she was on the phone in the hallway: there was something in this laugh of hers which told me that she had forgotten that I was there.
During the summer, I moved from the kitchen down the hallway to the living-room, to try to draw some of Uncle Tim’s tropical fish: drawing from life, Auntie Anne called this. I drew and coloured a whole book of fish. The day when Mum came to fetch us, she took brand new Michaela into the kitchen and stayed for a while. I could hear her laughing and complaining that Michaela had been born early, a few weeks before Auntie Anne’s birthday, because otherwise they could have shared the same birthday. Whenever I looked up, I could see her and Auntie Anne through the serving hatch. They were both sitting on those high stools. Auntie Anne’s legs were crossed, but so closely that her bare feet were side by side on the same rung; her legs looked like a long silvery tail. I called through to ask Auntie Anne how old she was going to be. Her quick laugh could have been a cough. ‘Rox!’
Mum said, ‘Twenty-one,’ and smiled without moving her mouth.
Then Auntie Anne told the truth: ‘Twenty-one years older than you, I’m going to be twenty-seven.’
‘I’m six.’ I was thinking aloud, although not very loudly.
‘I know you are,’ she said, more quietly.
And now I am eight. Like Alison. Alison and I are the same. Our mums were the same, too.
Now Mum leans back on the twin-tub and complains about Alison: ‘What’s she doing in there? She watches too much telly. And much too close to the screen. Kids – why do they do that? What do they think they’re going to miss?’ Her voice sweeps towards me. ‘Why do you kids do that?’
I look up at her as I have been told to do when she talks to me, but I keep my pen moving and, below me, blue felt-tip is turning a piece of my picture into water.
And she is already telling Dad, ‘I’ll call her in here to choose what she wants for her salad, then perhaps we won’t have to suffer that painful pushing of stuff around her plate.’
But Dad says, ‘I don’t think she’s watching telly, I think she’s listening for the phone.’
And I know why.
‘Phone? Why? Who’s ringing her? I told Mrs Mortimer that I’d take her home, around seven. In fact, I told her twice, because I know that she never listens; and, yes, I do know that she tries hard, but the fact is that she never listens.’
Dad says, ‘She thinks there’ll be a call for her when they’ve drawn the raffle.’
‘You bought her a ticket? And she thinks she’s going to win?’ Mum’s eyes look harder than normal.
‘That’s why you enter a raffle, isn’t it? To win?’
‘That’s why you enter a raffle, perhaps. That’s why dreamers enter raffles.’ A quick, deep breath. ‘Why did you buy her a ticket? You know what she’s like, you know what she was like with the Win-a-Pony competition. Why did you raise her hopes like this?’
‘There’s no harm in hoping.’ Dad frowns over his newspaper.
‘There’s every harm in hoping,’ Mum continues to the top of his head, ‘because she’s going to lose, and don’t you think that she’s had to face enough disappointments?’
Dad dares to peek up at her. ‘Perhaps she will win.’
But Mum folds her arms and crashes them on to her tummy. ‘Reality is where you keep a holiday home: one ticket? Swilling around in that bin with all those hundreds?’
‘Five tickets,’ I have to tell her. Alison stands a much better chance than us because Dad bought a whole book of tickets for her, but the usual one ticket each for Eliza and me, and none for Michaela because she is too young and, anyway, she was on the other side of the field with Mum. Every year, the prize is the same, and every year this day is more important to me than Christmas, but I know that we have to be nice to Alison because her mum has a new life.
‘Five tickets?’ Mum’s eyes flash the ceiling, several flashes, as if she is searching for more words.
Dad gives up on his paper, huffs back in his chair. ‘Alison’s in bad need of some fun.’
‘And I’m in bad need of some housekeeping. Whatever made you think that we could afford five tickets?’
‘Oh come on, Gina, this was a one-off.’
‘A one-off here, a one-off there. Are we going to be doing these endless one-offs for the next ten years? The kid needs bringing up, not showering with presents.’
Dad’s hands open in front of him. ‘Five little raffle tickets –’
‘We have to put this behind us, now; we have to continue our lives as normal.’ But suddenly she has turned away, and mutters to the window, ‘Six months and no word from her mother.’
Quietly, Dad answers back, ‘She has written to Mrs M.’
‘Yes, and what exactly did she tell poor old Mrs Mortimer?’ Turning around, Mum’s face is as white as the sunny window. ‘That she has gone away to think.’ Now she is near to Dad, leaning over him, and I hear the rattle of her earrings in her hair. ‘Think.’
Now her eyes switch to mine. ‘What’s up?’
This has made me jump: nothing is up.
She bashes her hair behind one ear. ‘You’re not going to make a fuss about salad, are you? Because I’m not in the mood for one of your fusses.’
Have I ever made a fuss about salad? Tomato is my fourth favourite food, cucumber my sixth. But as she has asked, I decided to try my luck: ‘No lettuce?’
‘No lettuce,’ this is amazingly quick, but she adds, ‘although I don’t know why, because don’t you want healthy bones?’
What would unhealthy bones be like? Do I have them already? Would I know if I had them?
Her eyes have turned back to Dad. ‘Perhaps we should talk to Tim about a pet for Alison. Surely he could manage a cat.’
‘I did talk to Tim.’
‘You did?’
‘And he says that she isn’t interested.’
‘In a cat?’
Mum always says that Animals are trouble, but cats are the best of a bad bunch.
‘In anything.’
She takes several steps nowhere in particular, but bumps into the corner of the table, rattling my row of pens. ‘But these competitions! That ridiculous business of the Win-a-Pony, and now this!’
‘I know, I know,’ Dad’s hands rise but stay, hovering an inch above the tabletop, ‘but she seems to want to win one.’
‘But that’s silly,’ Mum hisses. ‘Why do kids do this? Why do they have to be so impossible about everything?’
His hands are back on the table. ‘This seems to be something that she wants to do on her own.’
‘Well, fine: she could save up. She has pocket money, you know; Roxanne tells me that she has two shillings every week from Tim, and Mrs Mortimer seems to slip her more than the odd sixpence. Isn’t that right, Rox?’
I look up from the blank bucket which I have topped with blue water, look from Mum to Dad, and nod. And now will Dad realize that I am badly off for pocket money, compared to everyone else?
He looks but does not seem to see me. He tells Mum, ‘Tim says that she’s more than happy to save for the food and everything, she has saved, but she refuses to spend this money on buying the animal: she wants to win one.’
‘Well, this is silly.’ Mum joins us, drops into a chair, drops her elbows onto the table and her chin into her hands.
The corners of Dad’s mouth fold in and down, they press dimples into his cheeks.
I wish that I could draw dimples, but whenever I try, they look like boils.
He says, ‘She wants to be lucky, I suppose.’
‘Well, I’m afraid that I hope that she’s unlucky with this one. Because what would she do with a racing greyhound?’
I put down my pen. I have to explain this to Mum every year on the day of the kennel fête: ‘You don’t have to do anything with the greyhound, Mum. If you win him, then you’re his owner, you make up his name, you can go and see him whenever you want, but he lives in the kennels and they feed him, train him, race him.’ The ideal dog, surely, in her opinion. The only dog, I suspect, that she would ever allow us to have. Because she says that They’re worse than kids; they’re always under your feet or mating with your leg; they’re noisy and smelly and they have to be taken everywhere; they eat that foul food and they poo everywhere.
Dad says they do not poo everywhere if they have been trained. And he knows, because his family had lots of them when he was little. He seems to remember them by how they died: Bruno as a puppy from a virus, Jake in old age from diabetes, Slipper by mistake from rat poison.
Across the table, Mum shuts her eyes hard, then opens them hard: a sign that she refuses to say a word.
Once, I pointed out to her that Grandma’s poodle, Rebel, has never mated with our legs, but she said, ‘That yapping perm is incapable of mating with anything.’
And so we have Leo: for my fifth birthday, I was allowed to choose from the box of kittens and I chose him because he looked sad and trodden on, but this is how he has behaved ever since, he has never grown happy or clever. We hardly ever see him: the only evidence that he lives here is his two bowls on our kitchen floor.
One of Mum’s arms flops down onto the table; her head stays in her other hand. ‘But how on earth would Tim find the time to keep running Alison up to the kennels? He’s forever ferrying her from home to school to Mrs Mortimer.’
