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CHAPTER FIVE (#ulink_4c4aaef4-9cb0-5432-a643-d72140cf2375)
“Margaret! Open the door.” Father’s muffled voice carried through the solid wood that separated us. The fire in the hearth crackled, startling me. I blinked, my skin taut from the dried tears that caked my cheeks.
I forced myself to roll over. Everything had become more difficult as my pregnancy had progressed. Even simple tasks like rolling over in bed had me nearly sweating with the effort. I scanned the room. I knew Jackson was there, but he hadn’t become corporeal since Father told him to break it off with me.
The most important men in my life had broken my heart into a thousand pieces and replaced it with a hole as black as the night sky. Sliding a hand over my belly I closed my eyes. Even though this baby was half Tristan’s, it would be more than half of me. It would grow to become a special part of the After.
“Margaret,” Father called again.
“It’s open,” I snapped.
The door swung open and I glanced over at Father, his mouth turned downward. He crossed his arms over his chest.
“I suppose you want me to come down for dinner?”
“It would be nice for you to share a meal with your family at least once this week.”
I had ordered all of my meals to be taken in my room for the past few days. I couldn’t face Tristan or Gemma. Even though Tristan and I did share a bed at night, he only came to me in the late hours of the night; presumably after seeing my sister. The sight of either of them made me sick to my stomach.
“Why bother? I’ll be transformed soon enough and leave all of them behind.”
“Your child needs a father,” Father said.
“Jackson can be the father.”
Father narrowed his eyes. “That’s not how this works.”
I sat up as quickly as I could. “If you would have just stayed out of this I would know more about how this works. But you destroyed it.”
Father raised his voice. “You will not speak to me like this—”
“Why does it matter?” I matched his tone. I swept my hand across the bed, encompassing the room. “None of this will matter.”
Father leaned over the bed, inches from me. “This. This is what is supposed to matter. If Jackson had told you everything he should have explained that humans are who we protect. We are not above them.”
I snorted. What did he know? He chose to stay on the Living Realm after his wife had passed instead of moving on. I would have never done that. Once this baby was born and I was transformed I was out of here, with Jackson. We would go somewhere and start a new life together.
Father’s eyes flicked up toward the fireplace and my head snapped in that direction before his gaze slid back to mine. The flames in the hearth made his eyes gleam, but his expression was anything but happy.
“I see that I have to resort to other methods to get you to understand.”
I sat up, still staring at the space near the fireplace. Even if I couldn’t see him, I knew he was there. “Understand what?”
“Your infatuation with your Guard is unnatural. He was meant to stay with the family while you move on. But it appears that you are unable to look past this.” His eyes flicked back toward the roaring fire. “This is not the way of our world. You will understand that someday, but I will do what I have to. You will end this, or you will never see him again, in this life or the next.”
My chest ached. “Never.” I shoved off the bed and glared up at my father. “When I transform—”
“It will be done long before you transform.”
I narrowed my gaze. “If that happens I will live the rest of my life making you regret that decision.”
“What happened to you?” His voice was low and I knew I hovered on dangerous ground with him.
My eyebrows furrowed. “I am the same person I’ve always been. You just keep trying to change me.”
Father shook his head slowly. “No.” He lunged forward, his eyes sparkling manically as I scrambled away from him, but he grabbed my arms and yanked me until I was inches from him. My skin crawled and I attempted to lift my arms but he held them in place.
“Let go of me,” I growled, needing to get away from this crazed man.
“You aren’t even a shadow of my daughter anymore.”
“Let me go!” I shouted, shoving away from him.
He let me go and I dashed for the fireplace and balanced myself with one hand gripping the mantle. I wasn’t sure exactly where Jackson was but I knew he was close by. Just the thought of him near me made my heart race.
“What did he do to you?” Father asked.
I inhaled and let go of my breath slowly. It was something the midwife taught me in preparation for labor, a calming mechanism. The last thing I needed now was stress. Not when I was this close to getting everything I wanted.
My own family.
“You’re prepared to leave everyone behind?”
I turned to him, my hand sliding across the smooth wood. “I am prepared to do what it takes to get what I want.”
“What of Tristan?”
“What of him?” I yelled, not caring who heard. “Do you even know what goes on under your own roof? The deceit, the lies.” I shook my head, not willing to touch on that part of my life that I had let go.
“You will deprive your child of a father? Its actual father?”
I absently rubbed my belly. “Like I said, I will do what it takes.”
“Jackson has failed you,” Father murmured.
“Actually he hasn’t,” I said. “I’ve never felt as if I truly belonged until I met him.”
Father pulled his hand across his beard. “You’re young. You both have duties that are independent from each other. You will never be together in the way you want. If he was here right now, I’m sure this isn’t what he’d want for you.”
My gaze snapped up to him. “What do you mean if he was here right now?”
Father clenched his jaw. “Jackson’s been reassigned.”
My throat closed up, making it hard to breathe. “But he stopped appearing to me. That was the deal. Why would you take him away from me?” My voice rose. The baby chose that moment to wake from its slumber and roll around, adding to the fire that burned inside of me. My life was spiraling out of control. I’d lost my husband to my sister and now I’d lost the love of my life. Father would have gone to extreme lengths to keep us apart.
“Believe it or not,” Father said, with no hint of regret, “he asked for the reassignment.”
“You’re lying!” I spat.
Father sighed and shook his head.
My skin flushed as an emptiness in my heart spread across my chest. I darted toward Father until we were face to face. “Tell me you are lying.”
His gaze fell onto mine, his eyes distant.
I blinked back the haze that started to settle on the edge of my vision as I waited for his response.
“If you continue on this path,” he said softly, “you will not be able to fulfill your destiny.”
What did that mean? I brushed off the question, a bigger one burning inside of me. A frustrated sob broke past my lips. “Just tell me where he is.”
Father turned from me. “When you start thinking of others instead of yourself, maybe I will tell you.”
I grabbed father’s arm and squeezed. The pressure made my hand ache but I couldn’t stop myself. Something deep inside of me had snapped. “You will regret this,” I threatened.
Father turned to me, his mouth pressed in a hard line. “The only thing I regret is not separating you sooner.”
We both stood our ground, facing each other, neither backing down.
Tristan appeared in the doorway, his eyebrows raised. “Is everything okay in here?”
Father spun on his heel, facing my husband. “Everything is fine.” Father patted Tristan on the back as he brushed by him. “Good night.” He turned to me one last time just as my peripheral vision clouded, splintering the memory as I rocketed back to the present.
***
I awoke lying on the plush love seat in my father’s study. I tried to sit up but the room tilted again. Gingerly I placed my head on the pillow and squeezed my eyes shut, taking several controlled breaths before making the decision to try again. As I reached a seated position the door to the study opened, revealing my father holding a tray with Cooper close behind him, the tightness of his jaw slackening when he saw me awake.
Pulling my fingers through my hair, I twisted it around my fingers and pushed it off my flushed neck. I fought down the nausea churning in my stomach. One of the sensations I didn’t regret losing for a century.
Father placed the tray down and poured two cups of tea. “What did you see?” Always straightforward and to the point.
I accepted the cup and saucer he offered, the steam from the drink warming my face. “Memories. Of us.” If he could be business-like, so could I.
He sat on the chair across from the couch. “Go on.”
I glanced up at Cooper who gave me an encouraging smile as he made his way to the other side of the room to stand by the bookshelves, his posture at attention. I took a sip of tea before speaking. The hot liquid burned my throat and I coughed lightly, letting the herbs soothe my nerves. I detailed everything I had seen in the vision without interruption. My father regarded me with an impassive expression, taking in my side of our shared memories, but as I spoke, my emotions heightened, matching each scene as I recalled it. The effect was unexpected but remarkable at the same time. By the end of my recounting I felt like my body and soul had started to meld into one person. It was a strange sensation to have the new human feelings accompanying my soul ones. When I began to recount the argument we had had, Father’s mask faltered. A slight twitch in his cheek was all that he revealed but I remembered him clearer now. He was a man of few words and expressions, but the smallest quirk of his mouth spoke volumes.
When I finished speaking, the room went silent, the lack of sound deafening as if my head was stuffed in a pillow.
Father blinked. “You say there are gaps of memories.”
“Yes,” I replied.
He placed his cup and saucer on the side table and stood.
I looked at Cooper, but his eyes were on my father.
“It seems there needs to be a trigger, sir,” Cooper said standing at attention and keeping his gaze lowered as if he were speaking to a Caeleste.
Father nodded his head several times and scratched his beard. “Those memories that are being blocked, around what year do they start?”
I thought of what I knew of my human life so far and shook my head as I tried to remember the oldest human event I could that wasn’t my death day, which I had experienced enough times already to have it burned in my memory. “The memories I am missing start when I am around sixteen.”
Father and Cooper shared a look. Even though I knew they weren’t telling me everything, I kept quiet. I was the one who had something to make up for here. At least to my father.
The seconds dragged by like hours. I took another sip of tea just to have something to do other than wait for someone to speak.
Father sat back down in his chair, casually crossing his legs. “I’ve been informed of what memories Jackson has given you, but I need to know if there are any more.”
I hesitated, remembering the last kiss with Jackson that he showed me. The tea cup clattered against the saucer, but I recovered and placed them on the side table. It was a personal memory that Father didn’t need to know, but my chest ached thinking about that kiss and then how he didn’t stop Hannah from killing Leha. I swallowed, attempting to stop the tightness in my throat. Why had Jackson even bothered to show me my past if he knew he was just going to leave? He must have known me well enough to not want to go with Hannah. A part of me knew I was missing something, and only Jackson had the answer. The sooner I could earn back my father’s trust, the sooner I would be reunited with Jackson to begin my revenge.
“There is one more.”
***
I detailed the memory to Father. Jackson had showed me the memory through him and I explained his emotions as they were passed through me. I gave an abbreviated description of our last kiss, careful not to make eye contact with Cooper. It was embarrassing enough talking about kissing in front of my father.
When I was finished Father spoke quickly. “He did as I asked.” Then he got up from his chair again and stood in front of the fireplace, facing me. “It wasn’t until after he did that the change in you occurred. I’m just wondering where it all went wrong.”
“He must have influenced her first, sir,” Cooper suggested.
I spoke up. “Since he was with the Shadowed the whole time, maybe he had already done his job and then requested to leave before I did what I did?”
Father pressed his lips together and shook his head once before speaking. “There is something more, but she needs those memories back to uncover her motives.”
I hated when people spoke about me as if I wasn’t in the same room. I stood up to get their attention, “What do you want me to do?”
My father glanced at me. “We are meeting later to discuss our plan. I shall inform Cooper then.”
“Or you can just tell me,” I challenged.
He turned the weight of his gaze on me. “I’d like to have as little contact with you as possible.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised since I knew he hadn’t wanted to see me for years, but I couldn’t hold back a choked gasp at his brash comment. “But—”
His friendly blue eyes turned to icy daggers, chilling me to the bone as he stalked toward me. “I still remember, Margaret. The hate in your eyes that night was something I’ve only seen in the most evil of places. The Guard are supposed to protect humanity, not destroy it. You made your choice the night you murdered our family. Just because we are on the same side, don’t think for a second that I trust you. I just want to ensure no one else from my family dies.” He glanced at Cooper and dismissively said, “Take her through the property and see if anything else triggers a memory.”
Then he left the room, leaving the door wide open. For the way his words struck me, he could have slammed the door. I sank down onto the couch staring at the place where he had stood. As if I hadn’t felt guilty enough since I found out about my past, I didn’t need him shoving it in my face. But the last memory that I had experienced of my father and I had triggered a different response. I was so angry and willing to do anything to get what I wanted. I shook my head furiously, attempting to rid my head of the dangerous and hateful thoughts. But they stuck, burrowing deep in my gut.
“He’s right you know.”
Cooper came to my side. “What about?”
I exhaled deeply. “I am evil.”
He scoffed. “Maggie, you’re not evil.”
“My father is the most observant man that I’ve ever known—”
