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“I don’t know what it means.” Guy sighed. “I hate not belonging anywhere.”
“You belong here.” David took Verna’s hand. “You belong with us. We love you as if you were our son. You’ll always have a home here.”
“But I’m not really your son. I’m just a farm hand. I’m not Amish, and I never will be.”
Verna sniffed as the three of them sat in silence. David’s head was bowed, his eyes closed. A different kind of bitterness filled Guy. Not the anger at Pa, but regret that he had caused the old couple pain.
“If you feel that way,” David finally said, “there isn’t anything we can do about it.” He looked up and met Guy’s eyes. “The decision is up to you. You can be our son, or you can be our hired hand. We’ll still think of you as nothing less than one of the family.”
Guy glanced at Verna’s bowed head and the couple’s clasped hands, then headed upstairs to his bedroom.
His bedroom.
He padded over to the dormer window in his stocking feet. That first year, when he was nine, this had become his favorite spot. David had built a small chest for him and set it under the window, and Guy had spent hours sitting here, gazing out at the house across the road, watching the birds, looking for foxes in the moonlight... At the Home he had nothing, but here, everything he looked at was his own. He sank down on the chest and drew his feet up, crossing his legs as he looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time.
His bed. His dresser. His chest that had held all the treasures he couldn’t take back to the Home. This was his refuge.
On the bad nights at the Home, he would lie in his narrow cot and dream of this room. Summer and freedom couldn’t come soon enough. Every year, David and Verna had welcomed him...home...as if they had missed him as much as he had missed them.
Had he ever thanked them? He had spent so much time waiting for Pa to keep his promise that he had neglected what he had here with David and Verna.
The Masts had never made any promises other than to love him, and even tonight they reaffirmed that promise.
But Pa had never kept his promises, and it was time Guy faced that fact. Pa’s promises had broken as easily as spring ice on a mud puddle. Why hadn’t he seen the truth sooner? He had wasted time and energy waiting for...
A sigh escaped, ending in a sob. He bent his head on his knees and closed the door on that place in his mind that had held fast to a straw promise all these years.
* * *
On Wednesday morning, during the twins’ nap, Annie made bread while Judith ground ham for Matthew’s favorite sandwiches. Judith had brought Eli’s blocks into the kitchen, and he sat under the table, playing with them.
“I didn’t stay awake long enough to say hello to Guy last night.” Annie turned the dough out onto the bread board and started kneading it. “Did you two have a good time?”
“We did,” Judith said, smiling at the memory of how silly they had been. She paused the grinder to cut some more of the ham into the smaller chunks that would fit into the hopper. “But Guy didn’t seem to want to learn anything. He kept saying it was too much like school.”
“I thought you said he wanted to learn Deitsch. It seems like he would apply himself to the task if he really wanted to.”
Judith’s face grew warm at the memory of the look in his eyes when he said he wanted her to kiss him. “Maybe learning Deitsch isn’t what he really wants.”
Annie stopped her kneading. “Do you think he’s interested in you?”
“He shouldn’t be, should he? I mean, he hasn’t joined church, and I’m not going to keep company with anyone who isn’t at least considering it.”
“Maybe you can be a good influence on him.”
Judith fed more pieces of ham into the grinder and turned the crank. She didn’t want to get her hopes up about a future with Guy. Not yet. Not until she knew he wanted more than just a fun time together.
“What do you know about the Kaufman family?” She had turned away from Annie, but heard the small disapproving sound she made.
“I’ve already told you what I think about Luke.”
“But what about the rest of his family? Hannah seems nice.” Judith chewed her lower lip. Hannah was very friendly to her, but her comments about Guy made Judith cautious about a true friendship with her.
Annie put the ball of dough into a bowl and covered it with a clean, damp dishtowel. “Let’s see.” She washed her hands at the sink, staring out the window at the winter-brown fields still covered with snow in the shady places. “Luke’s father has a large farm between here and the county line. Their family has lived in the area since the middle of the last century. They were some of the first Amish settlers who came to Indiana from Pennsylvania.”
“And they’re well liked in the community?”
“Ach, ja.” Annie sat on a chair at the kitchen table.
Eli held a block out for his mother to see, then pounded it on the floor. “Block, block, block.” Then he looked at Judith and grinned.
She grinned back at him. She was growing to love this little boy more each day.
Annie sighed and stretched her back. “The Kaufmans have been leaders in the church for years, according to what Matthew has told me. Luke’s daed is one of the deacons. Why are you asking about them?”
Judith leaned her back against the kitchen shelf, facing her sister. “I think Luke is interested in me.”
“What makes you think that?”
“The way he acted at the Singing. He singled me out to talk to, and he wanted to take me home. Hannah said his courting buggy was new, so I know he wanted to show it off to me.”
“Would you welcome his attentions?”
Judith stared out the window. Luke was handsome, and the family was well established, according to what Annie said. But could she face the future with Luke, knowing how uncomfortable he made her feel? That might change as she got to know him. After all, he had the means to support her and a family, and there was no question about his daed’s commitment to the Amish faith.
Luke was the kind of suitor she had always dreamed of. A man who could change the course of her life.
Judith sat in the chair facing Annie, wiping her hands on a towel. “I don’t want to end up like Mamm, working too hard and never having enough.”
Annie’s face paled. Eli climbed into her lap with a block in each hand, and she made room for him, but her brows puckered. “You mean you don’t want to marry someone like our daed? You want someone who can provide well for you?”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful or that I’m not honoring Daed’s memory...but I didn’t like him very much.”
Annie grasped her hand. “You and Esther had it the worst of all of us, I think. I remember that his drinking became a lot worse after Mamm died.”
Judith nodded. “I only remember him being angry those last few years, and we could never please him.” She pressed her lips together before more complaints about Daed slipped out.
“I don’t blame you for wanting a different kind of life.” Annie squeezed her hand, then released it to help Eli slide off her lap and onto the floor again. “But they were happy once. Mamm really did love him.”
“Before he started drinking.”
“She loved him, even then.”
Annie fell silent, and Judith watched Eli stack one block on top of another. Annie was right. Their parents had loved each other at one time. But was love enough to make a happy marriage?
“Still, I don’t want to end up poor and living on the edge of the family and community.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being thankful for what the Good Lord provides,” Annie said, her voice quiet.
“But don’t you think a marriage has a better chance of being happy if there’s enough money to live on?” Judith went back to the meat grinder. She had ground all the ham and she needed to wash the grinder before the gears became crusty and hard to clean. “The Kaufman family is well-to-do, from what you said.”
“But Judith, just because Luke’s family has a good farm doesn’t mean he would be a better husband than anyone else.”
“Don’t you think it’s worth getting to know him better?”
Annie shook her head. “He’s broken more than one heart already.”
Judith let Annie’s comment settle in her mind. She didn’t have enough experience to tell what kind of man was the right one to marry, but Annie and Matthew seemed happy together.
She sat down at the table again, next to her sister. “How did you know Matthew was the right man for you to marry?”
Annie smiled. “First of all, he made me laugh.”
Judith grinned, remembering nearly falling off her chair the evening before.
“But most important, he showed me how much he loved me.”
“You mean he whispered mushy poems in your ear?” Judith wrinkled her nose at the thought of some boy’s moist lips next to her ear, breathing words of love.
“Ne, nothing like that,” Annie said, laughing. She sat back in her chair and looked at the ceiling as she went back in her memories. “He remembered that I like the piece of cake from the very middle of the pan and always made sure I got that one. He let me win when we played games with his brothers and sisters. He always gave me his hand to help me in and out of the buggy.”
Annie leaned forward, cupping the top of Eli’s head in a loving caress. “Matthew has always put my needs and our family’s needs before his own comfort. He works hard to provide for us and never complains.”
They sat together for a few minutes while Judith thought about Annie’s description of her husband. A swelling rose in her throat...a longing for someone to cherish her in that same way.
A cry from one of the babies drifted from the bedroom. “I think someone is hungry again.” Annie started toward the kitchen door, then turned back to Judith. “Don’t go chasing Luke. He’s not the man I’d want my baby sister to marry.”
Judith smiled, hoping to reassure her sister. “Don’t worry. I’ll be careful.”
She let the pieces of the grinder soak in warm, soapy water while she chopped onion, celery and pickles to mix into the ham spread.
“Me?” Eli said, tugging on her skirt.
“For sure.” Judith lifted him into his chair at the table and spread some of the ground ham on a bit of cracker. “What do you think?”
Eli opened his mouth and she popped the bite in, then he scrunched up his face into a smile. He nodded and patted his tummy as he swallowed. “More? Eli more?”
Judith prepared another cracker for him, grinning as he opened his mouth like a little bird.
“You love ham spread as much as your daed does, don’t you?”
“Da?” Eli held his hands up. “Da here?”
“He’s working now, but he’ll be in for dinner.”
Eli kicked his feet against the chair. “Go Da. Down. Go Da.”
Judith glanced out the window. The weather was cold and cloudy, but it hadn’t started snowing yet.
“After I finish my work, we’ll go out and see what Daed is doing.” She wiped off the little boy’s hands and put him back down with his blocks, then started washing the dishes.
As the suds swirled around the parts of the meat grinder, she considered Annie’s words. She thought Matthew was the perfect husband. Guy seemed to come close to that ideal, the way he made her laugh. But he was only a hired hand with no prospects, and she wasn’t about to live the rest of her life as the destitute wife of a man who wasn’t even Amish.
Chapter Four (#ud297e2b1-6ba6-5648-955b-242c13ae8f8c)
Guy shifted his feet, waiting just inside the kitchen door for Verna to get ready. She had asked him to carry a basket to the Beacheys’ this morning for the quilting, but first she had taken her time putting the donuts in the lined basket and covering them with a towel. Then she had disappeared into the back bedroom. He finished his second donut and reached for a third, careful to replace the towel covering the warm treats.
Leaning against the doorframe, he savored the donut as he thought about Judith. After a week of Penn Dutch lessons, Guy felt a bit overwhelmed. Too many words sounded the same, and even though she tried not to, Judith often giggled at his mistakes. But she was a good teacher, and he was learning little by little.
Even Verna was in on the game. She had stopped talking to him in English as soon as she had learned about the lessons. That was frustrating, but no matter how much he pretended he didn’t understand her, he had to admit that he knew more now than he had that first evening. At breakfast, Verna had asked what he wanted on his toast, and he had been able to ask for and get apple butter. A few days ago, he thought he had asked for apple butter, but Verna had given him a dish of applesauce.
Was his Dutch good enough to ask Judith to go with him to the next Singing?
“Are you ready to go?” Verna asked as she came back to the kitchen, setting her bonnet in place. She wore her thick black cape and her heavy winter shoes.
Guy missed some of the words in her question, but caught the meaning. “Ja, for sure.”
Still munching on his donut, he took the heavy basket in his other hand and followed her out of the house and down the lane toward the road.
“Even with that sharp north wind, you can tell spring is coming,” Verna said, lifting her face toward the sunshine.
“It smells...” Guy struggled to come up with the word he wanted. It was one of the new ones on the vocabulary list Judith had given him the night before. He made a guess. “Frish?”
“Ja, fresh.” Verna took a deep breath. She pulled her cape closer around her and hurried down the lane. “But chilly.”
Stuffing the last bite of the donut into his mouth, Guy pulled his chin down into his coat and followed her.
Buggies were coming from both directions on the road, all heading toward the Beacheys’ house.
“This is the first quilting at Annie’s since the twins were born,” Verna said as he caught up with her. “Everyone is coming to see the babies, so there will be a crowd.” She lifted her hand and waved to a buggy full of women coming from the north. “There is Annie’s sister Esther with the ladies from Shipshewana. Judith will be glad to see them.”
Guy walked behind Verna as she headed toward the door and followed her in, holding his hat in his hand. As he set the basket on the kitchen table, he searched for Judith in the crowd of women. When he finally found her, she gave him a quick wave and headed in his direction.
She said something, but he couldn’t catch the words. He shook his head and pointed to his ears, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute as he realized he was the only man in the entire house.
Judith grabbed his sleeve and led him out to the washing porch. It was sheltered from the breeze but not heated.
She shivered. “You can’t stay here.”
“Ja, I know.” He licked his lips. “I wanted to ask you if—” Now that it came to it, he found his knees shaking. “If I could take you to the Singing on Sunday night. I don’t have a courting buggy, but we could walk. It’s only at Deacon Beachey’s, in the next mile.” He cringed as his sentence drifted from Dutch to English.
Judith’s face took on a slight frown. “I will walk there with you, but this doesn’t mean we’re going together.”
Guy gave up on the Dutch. “You mean, it isn’t a date.”
“That’s right. I’m not ready to keep company with anyone, but I’ll be glad to walk with you. As a friend.” She put her hand on the doorknob, ready to join the others in the kitchen. “Matthew is out in the barn. I’m sure he’d like some manly company today.”
“Yeah.” Guy put his hat back on.
