скачать книгу бесплатно
Rachel’s response was a revelation for Akiva.
“Everyone wakes up in the morning. Do you really need to give thanks for that?”
“Yes Akiva, we must express gratitude and thanks to the Creator for everything He gives us. We are used to waking up in the morning, to the sun rising and setting, the day following night, to the trees bearing fruit, but we must understand, that it is all a miracle. Everything that happens in our world – the world itself exists only by the grace of the Creator.”
“What else is in the prayers?” Everything Rachel said was so new and curious to Akiva that she never ceased to surprise him.
“If you knew how to read, I would bring you a prayer book and other religious texts for you to study.”
“It’s too late for me to learn anything now and start studying religious books.” Akiva was quiet for a moment and then with a sudden bitter smile, he said, “Rachel, tell me, for what? What do I have to thank the Creator for, that at thirty years of age I still can’t read or write?”
Rachel was embarrassed and did not reply.
“You have everything going for you. You are young, beautiful, rich and clever. You have a lot to thank the creator for, but I who have nothing, not even a home, tell me, what would you have me thank the creator for?” Akiva had become increasingly angry.
“There is so much in this world that you can be thankful for. You have to learn to see the good in things. You can be grateful that you see this gorgeous sun, that you hear the sound of the river and the rustle of the leaves on the trees, that you can walk, for lots of things, that you have work, that you have a roof over your head, that you are caring, attentive and wise. See how much you have to be grateful for,” Rachel said tenderly, as if she were speaking to a child.
“You call me wise,” Akiva laughed, “but you barely know me.”
“You don’t have to have known a person for many years to understand whether they are wise or not. There are people who read a lot, who can talk on a variety of topics with a clever expression on their face, but even with the best will in the world, you could never call them wise. And then there are those who may even be illiterate, but you can spot their wisdom a long way off. Wisdom is a gift from the Creator. You either have it or you don’t. Akiva if you could study, you would make a good rabbi.”
“Rachel, soon I will be forty. School is for children who have been learning since they were little,” Akiva said but he had softened his tone no longer showing his anger. Rachel stuck to her own point of view.
“It is never too late to learn.”
The young girl threw a glance at the sun, which was already setting beyond the river. It was time for her to go.
“Will you come again tomorrow?” Akiva asked, his voice carrying simultaneously notes of hope and despair.
“I don’t know yet. Akiva, try and turn over a new leaf in your life, and think about what I said about learning. I am certain that much in your life still lies ahead of you. Try and pray before you go to sleep,” advised Rachel before hurrying away.
“But I don’t know any prayers!” Akiva cried after her.
“Just speak words of gratitude and say what’s in your heart.” Rachel’s sonorous, girlish voice reached him now from a distance.
After Rachel had left, Akiva sat by the river for a long time thinking over what she had said. He thought about his conversation with Rachel until he lay down to sleep. Having thanked the creator for the day, for the fact that he had a job and a roof over his head, Akiva fell into a deep sleep.
* * *
In the morning Akiva drove the herd down to the river again dreaming only of one thing: to see Rachel again. Over and over, he caught himself thinking that he could not live without seeing her again. Even the fear of losing his job no longer affected him.
Hearing someone’s footsteps from afar, Akiva turned to look and spotted the long-awaited silhouette. The young girl approached him and as she had done on the previous occasion, she said quietly:
“Peace to you Akiva.”
“Peace to you Rachel!” The shepherd answered her with bated breath.
“Did you say a prayer last night before going to sleep? Rachel asked.
“Yes, I did, but in the morning I forgot,” said Akiva and as if apologising held open his hands.
Rachel was pleased.
“That’s a good start. Learn to thank the merciful Creator for everything.”
“Why do you always repeat the word ‘merciful’? ” Asked Akiva.
“Because the Creator is merciful to all his creations.”
“Rachel, if He really is merciful, then why did He allow the Romans to destroy the Second Temple?” Akiva said, directing the complex question at the girl he loved.
“The Rabbis believe that the Romans are simply an instrument in His hands. It’s not the Romans who destroyed the Temple. We did that. Our actions brought about the destruction of the Temple. The Romans simply carried out the Creator’s judgement. The First Temple, the Temple of King Solomon,” said Rachel continuing her story “was demolished in punishment of three sins: bloodshed, idolatry and the retreat of the Jews from the laws given to them by God[19 - Talmud, Yoma 9B.]. Now that there is neither idolatry nor bloodshed, the wisemen have come to the conclusion, that there were spiritual reasons for the destruction of the Temple. They tend to think that the Second Temple was destroyed due to unfounded hatred. The All-merciful probably doesn’t like how we treat one another. We have forgotten how to forgive.”
“How was that evident?” Akiva asked his voluntary teacher.
Rachel answered patiently. “It was everywhere and in everything. People overfilled the cup of His unlimited patience. Shortly before the Temple was destroyed, something happened. A wealthy man from Jerusalem held a feast and invited lots of guests including my father who was unable to attend because he was away. The man who arranged the feast had a close friend called Kamtsa and a sworn enemy, Bar Kamtsa (The story of Kamtsa and Bar Kamtsa is cited in the Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Gittin). The man sent his servant to invite his friend Kamtsa to the feast but the messenger got the address wrong and conveyed the invitation to Bar Kamtsa. Bar Kamtsa couldn’t understand what was happening and asked the messenger again whether the invitation was really meant for him, to which the messenger confirmed that it was.
Deciding that his enemy must be offering a reconciliation, Bar Kamtsa suspected nothing, put on expensive clothes and went to the feast at the house of his enemy. He took his place amongst the guests but when the host saw him there, he shouted: “What are you doing here? How dare you come into my house uninvited?”
Bar Kamtsa realised that the messenger must have made a mistake and said, “I will pay you for my portion of food, only please, do not humiliate me in front of all the other guests. Many respected people of Jerusalem are among them. How will I appear in their eyes?”
The host refused to accept his request so Bar Kamtsa offered to pay for half the entire cost of the feast but the host still wouldn’t agree.
“I will pay for everything!” Bar Kamtsa cried, “Only please don’t throw me out in front of all these people!”
But the host refused even then and insisted that the unwanted guest leave his home. Enraged, Bar Kamtsa was forced to leave in disgrace.”
“And what about the guests: they just sat there saying nothing?” asked Akiva.
“Yes, there were many respected people and wisemen there but they chose not to get involved in the conflict. So then Bar Kamtsa decided to take revenge on the host and his guests who had refused to stand up for him. He went to see the Emperor and told him that the Jews were plotting a revolt against the Roman Empire. To prove it, he asked the ruler to send a calf to the Temple for sacrifice. On the way, Bar Kamtsa gave the calf a small injury, knowing that under the laws of the Torah, animals with that kind of blemish are unsuitable for sacrifice.
The rabbis argued for a long time over whether the calf could be used as a sacrifice or not. Many of them understood the significance of denying the Romans permission to make sacrifice and nonetheless, they turned the Roman Emperor down. The emperor was furious and sent his army into Judea. The Roman troops invaded Jerusalem, burned the Temple to the ground and sacked the city.”
“It’s hard to say who was right and who was wrong,” thought Akiva. “The wealthy man who held a feast and treated his guest badly, or the wisemen, who witnessed the argument but said nothing, or Bar Kamtsa, who brought anger to his entire people on account of a personal insult.”
“Yes, it’s a difficult one. But there is also an indirect cause for what happened. It clearly reflects the attitude people had towards one another that reigned in Jerusalem at the time. Now we are left with no Temple. The Romans have taken many of Jerusalem’s inhabitants prisoner. My father is very worried about the future of our city and our people. He argues that without a strong leader, the Jews will never be taken seriously and the Romans will enslave us” said Rachel.
“Surely there isn’t such a great lack of wise rabbis that none among them could stand out as a leader?” said Akiva doubtfully.
“It’s hard to unify the people. A large proportion of the rabbis represent leaders to a small handful of students but are vindicated in the eyes of others and so there’s no single, powerful force. You know Akiva, there’s something I have been thinking about a lot ever since I met you. I don’t know why but I have this feeling inside, that if you were literate, you could be a strong leader. You could unify everyone!” Rachel admitted.
“Rachel, what on earth are you saying? If those who are so highly respected cannot unite the people, what could I possibly do, a simple shepherd?” Rachel’s words had come like a bolt from the blue.
“Most of them are more concerned with themselves than with the needs of the community. Akiva, I see how you care for the sheep. You have a good heart and I think you could turn out to be a great leader, capable of uniting a lot of people around you. Why don’t you want to learn to read and write and study the Torah?” said Rachel trying to persuade him.
“You forget, I am thirty-five years old. It’s too late for me to start studying at my age” Akiva said disagreeing with her.
“But it isn’t too late,” said Rachel, “if you studied hard and conscientiously then the words of the Torah would speak to your heart.”
“Rachel, I don’t have the money to give up work and study. Thank you for your warm words. No-one has ever spoken of me so highly” said Akiva, not without some sadness.
“I have to go now Akiva, but mark my words, it’s never too late to start learning. The wisemen say that we must keep learning forever, right up until old age.”
Long after they had parted Akiva continued to mull over Rachel’s words and everything she had said about him.
Every day, Rachel came to the river and they she and Akiva talked for hours becoming close friends. Akiva had never been so happy as he was spending time with Rachel, talking to the sweetest, most wonderful girl in the world.
Akiva intended to spend the forthcoming Shabbat in the home of the old man Shimon and his wife.
In Shimon’s house the jangling sound of crockery could be heard as Shimon’s wife Dvora cleared the table after the Shabbat meal. Concerned by his guest’s silence, Shimon asked, “Why are you so quiet today Akiva, has something happened?”
Akiva said nothing.
“My eyes do not deceive me. Tell me what has happened.”
“All right, I will tell you, only please listen to me, and don’t be angry. Recently, Rachel and I have become very close. We see each other almost every day and we talk for ages. What do you think? Is there even a grain of hope that I could be the husband of Rachel, daughter of Kalba Savua?”
“You didn’t take my advice after all. You didn’t keep your distance” said Shimon sadly. “Akiva, as your elder, please, forget about her before it is too late. It’s for the best, for you and for her. Find another woman who is worthy of you and have a family. Why torment yourself and the young girl? You may be mistaken and have misinterpreted your conversations as an expression of some special attention on her part.”
“Mr. Shimon, I am certain that there is something more between us than simple conversation. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I can’t forget about her, not for one moment. I look for her everywhere and in every sound I strain to hear her voice”.
“The moment Kalba Savua learns of your affections, he will drive you off the estate and you will again wander round Judea in search of a wage” said Shimon, admonishing his ward.
“So be it. I am not afraid of anything any more. I want to be with her. Let him drive me away. I can’t live without her” said Akiva decisively.
“It’s useless trying to talk about it” thought Shimon giving a heavy sigh.
“Mr. Shimon, Do you think I don’t know that she is an impossible dream for someone like me and that we can never be together?” Akiva continued.
“So if you understand, why do you continue to spend time with her?”
“I tried to take your advice but I just can’t help it. It’s something more powerful than I am. I can’t begin to describe what she means to me. I have never experienced anything like it. Until I met Rachel, I hated this world and everything in it. Even if nothing can happen between us, I dream only of one thing; that it last as long as possible. I’d give my whole life just to spend one minute with her. I have lived a dull life but now at least I will have something good to remember when I die,” Akiva pronounced sadly.
Shimon felt sorry for Akiva. He could see the love and respect the shepherd felt for Rachel and having thought for a moment he said, “I can see you have made your mind up and there is nothing I can say to stop you. All I can do is ask you to think it through one more time.”
“Dear Mr. Shimon, I have already thought it all over and have made my decision. If fate has destined her to be mine, then we will be together.”
“Rachel is a fine young woman. Perhaps she will agree to be your wife and you will live a good life together. A lot in life depends on your wife. If you have a wise woman at your side who commands your respect, you will try to become a better man so as not to disappoint her.”
“Thank you Shimon for your kind words. I really need them at the moment.”
“Oh Akiva! Don’t forget” lamented Shimon suddenly, “you are almost twice her age and you are very different kinds of people, different in position and means. An affair like that can only end in tragedy.”
“So the reality is that a simple man like me, is not worthy of happiness and Rachel cannot be the wife of a poor shepherd?” Akiva’s eyes shone. “But I have to try. If she is my destiny, we will be together. And if she isn’t, then I shall spend the rest of my life alone,” said the shepherd despondently.
“Akiva, Akiva,” sighed Shimon heavily, “I can see there is nothing anyone can do. Since you mentioned her the first time, I have tried to dissuade you, to frighten you into giving up on the whole idea, but your intentions are obviously serious and I respect you for that.”
Mr. Shimon was silent for a moment and then he said confidently:
“If I was in your shoes and I liked a girl, do you know what I would do? I wouldn’t listen to an old man like me. I would go and talk to her father.”
“I agree but I am so afraid, afraid of losing Rachel. You don’t understand Mr.Shimon. If Kalba Savua refuses to allow it, Rachel and I won’t be able to see each other.”
“I am prepared to go and talk to Kalba Savua myself” the old man offered, “even if it does spoil our relationship.”
“No. This is the most important thing in my life. I have to do it myself,” said Akiva decisively, turning down Shimon’s offer of help.
* * *
Akiva returned to the Kalba Savua estate and set about his duties. Early in the morning, he drove the sheep to the river and waited for Rachel to appear. He turned round to look for her at every sound, but Rachel didn’t appear. It was getting dark. In the hope of seeing his beloved, Akiva decided to hang on by the river for longer than usual but eventually he left to go back for the night and drove the herd into the fold.
Back at the main house, the estate workers were having their supper in the dining room but Akiva didn’t join them making straight for his room. Once inside, he lit a candle and lay down to rest. All his thoughts were occupied with Rachel totally dulling out any thought of food. He didn’t feel the slightest pang of hunger despite not having eaten since morning. He could only think about one thing: Why had not Rachel come that day? However he looked at it, Akiva could not settle on a definitive answer.
Akiva worked hard to drive away his sad thoughts and dreamed only of seeing Rachel again. In his dreams, they walked hand in hand along the banks of the river discussing various topics of conversation. And when the sun began its journey home, they would sit on the tall rock watching a spectacular sunset. In his imagination they sat watching silently as the sun sank smoothly down into the river and the clouds drifted slowly into the distance. The silence was intoxicating broken only by the occasional sounds of leaves and birdsong.
A knock at the door interrupted Akiva’s flight of fantasy. He got up slowly and went to open the door. Ezra stood in the doorway.
“Peace to you, Akiva. Why did not you come for supper?” Asked the manager.
“I was just feeling a bit tired and decided to rest instead,” the shepherd answered, a little surprised by Ezra’s appearance.
“I was worried you might have been taken ill and have brought you some supper. Have something to eat.” Ezra held out the plate.
Akiva thanked him and put the plate of food on the table. Ezra left but Akiva didn’t touch his supper. He just lay down again thinking about Rachel and dreaming of another meeting with her. He wanted to fall asleep as soon as possible so that he would wake up to a new day which had to bring him the opportunity of seeing his beloved Rachel.
The next day however, did not fulfil Akiva’s hopes either and he returned to his room once again without seeing Rachel. He paced around the room unable to settle, going over different scenarios in his mind. The following morning, not having slept a wink all night, Akiva left his room and set off for the fold.
Thunder rolled and the sky was covered in thick, black cloud. It poured with heavy rain all day. Despite the weather, Akiva drove the herd to the river again impatient to see Rachel appear. He waited for several hours but the rain was only getting heavier and the herd threatened to scatter in all directions with every new clap of thunder. Akiva was forced to drive them back to the fold and return to his lodgings earlier than usual. He couldn’t be tempted by supper on this occasion either. One thought replaced another, making him ever gloomier. “Have I really lost her? Will she really belong to someone else?” Avaricious tears built up like shining dew on Akiva’s lashes. “If I don’t see her again I’ll die.”
Akiva tried to eradicate persistent thoughts of his separation with Rachel from his mind. “Perhaps the reason she didn’t come to the pasture like she used to, is because of the unrelenting rain.” Akiva comforted himself.
“Yes, that’s it!” Akiva felt calmer when he realised that it must have been due to the rain that he hadn’t seen Rachel, in addition to which, he had been forced to drive the sheep into the fold much earlier than he usually did. That would explain it.
Then a thought suddenly occurred to him. “What if Rachel decided to come out anyway, despite the terrible weather, and is waiting for me there, whilst I, fool, sit here in the warm. I’ll go now to the river. If Rachel is by the river, she will be cold and soaked to the skin by now.”
Without even stopping to put on his coat, Akiva hurriedly left his room dressed just in a thin shirt and linen trousers, and ran towards the river. It was dark outside and the heavy rain lashed across Akiva’s face. He ran along the wet, slippery road, fell and picked himself up again continuing towards the river. His clothes were soaked in mud but he didn’t mind and hurried onwards. He made for the summerhouse found it empty. The realisation that Rachel had not been there that day at all cut with bitter disappointment.
Akiva imagined the worst. Rachel had accepted the proposal of one of the yeshiva students and they were already celebrating the happy event. Morose thoughts took even greater hold on him driving him to the edge of despair. The thought that Rachel already belonged to another, that he would never see her again broke his heart.
He stood there getting drenched in the pouring rain and it was a long time before he could take his eyes off the empty summerhouse in the hope that Rachel would finally make a sudden appearance. He waited but eventually had to admit that Rachel wasn’t coming and he sank into the madness of despair. Salty tears streamed down his cheeks. The incessant rain washed away the tears from the face of the grown man but his tears came back with ever more force. Akiva hadn’t cried since childhood but now, he just could not help himself. The tears came stronger and stronger.
“What are you crying for?” said Akiva to the rain as he fell to his knees in the mud. He raised his hands to the sky, and said, “You’re not in love like I am. You can’t imagine how wonderful she is or what it is like to have to live another day without seeing her. My head is filled with stupid thoughts but there’s nothing I can do about it. Why, oh why couldn’t we see each other today? Is it because of you that she didn’t come today? Is it all your fault? Why do you pour and pour? Why do you want to separate us? Can’t you see I’m suffering? Can’t you understand that I’ll die without her? She is all that I have in life. She is my last hope of happiness.” Akiva took a few deep breaths before his words came spilling out again, “Rain, once you gave me the greatest gift of my life, you gave me the chance to see Rachel. On that unforgettable day, you rained incessantly, and Rachel and I met in the summerhouse that I’m looking at now. That was the happiest day of my life, and now you have torn us apart. Before I met Rachel, I was blind. I didn’t see anything, didn’t know the joys of this world. After meeting Rachel I grew up. I understood at last that life can be wonderful, that there is a person in this world for whom I would willingly give my life. And now you want to take from me my sight? Why did you show me the light only to blind me again? It would have been better if I had stayed blind and never met her at all. It is easier for a person who is blind from birth and has no idea of what the visual world is like, than for someone who has been able to see, has admired all the colours of the world and then lost their sight. The pain is unbearable.”
Akiva quietened down for a moment and remembering Rachel’s voice, he muttered, “She called my name and from her lips it was the sound of sweet music and now, because of you, I can’t hear or even see her.”
Drawing as much air as possible into his lungs, Akiva gazed up at the sky and ignoring the rain, he shouted with all his might “Rain! I hate you! I hate the whole world!” Akiva tore at his chest with a cry but the rain drowned out the sound of his words.
“Why should I be denied the right to be happy? Surely it’s not my fault that I am poor and have to earn my living doing physical work? I know you’re crying because we both used to be lonely and unhappy but now I have Rachel, my Rachel, and I am the happiest man in the world. You’re just jealous. No-one loves you. As soon as you show your face, people hide from you and return to their homes but I have finally fallen in love and you won’t spoil it! You think I’m just a simple shepherd who mistook her polite conversation for affection, who mistook compassion for love. Maybe that’s how it is. Maybe I did just make it all up.”
