In at the Deep End

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‘Sure.’ He gave me his phone and I typed in my number with the slow deliberation of the extremely drunk.

My phone buzzed in the taxi on the way home. Gonna dream about you tonight ;) Finn x

I smiled to myself. I’m going to have sex with you, Finn, I thought. And if you’re lucky, I’ll let you have sex with me back.

I couldn’t quite believe how bad my hangover was the next morning. I could practically feel my brain knocking against the sides of my skull when I moved. I lay on my back, as still as possible. What had happened to me last night? Why did I feel like I’d been rubbing a cheese grater against my cheek?

I had a sudden vision of an empty bottle of vodka and a fire escape and a hand fondling my ribcage. Finn. Finn and his stubble. I’d snogged Finn.

Even though I was concentrating very hard on breathing in and out and not vomiting, I felt very pleased with myself. I had kissed an actual man – I had not forgotten how. And although I couldn’t imagine enjoying anything at all at that particular moment, I had a feeling I’d really enjoyed the kiss, too.

Not only that, but I had been about two units of alcohol away from fucking him on a ketamine-covered toilet cistern in Hackney Wick. I closed my eyes and thanked the universe that I hadn’t had sex for the first time in years while in a vodka coma. I wanted to remember such a momentous occasion.

I was woken again by Alice opening my door, which was a little awkward, as I wasn’t wearing any clothes. She handed me a cup of tea; as I took it, I had to clutch the duvet with my chin so she didn’t get a flash of nipple.

‘Feeling rough?’ she said cheerfully.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Do we have any Haribo, or crisps or anything?’ I took a sip of tea. It seemed to curdle in my mouth.

‘I’ll get you some later. Tell me about the guy you snogged!’ Her arms were crossed. She was far too excited about it.

‘I don’t really remember …’

‘He had great hair. Reddish.’

‘Did he?’ I said, putting my tea down and delicately lowering myself onto my back again.

‘Yes! I couldn’t really see his face, though, the angle you were at.’

‘He definitely smelled quite masculine,’ I said, closing my eyes. I could hear birds singing and the pounding of the blood in my head.

Alice took the hint. She padded out of the room, ostentatiously quietly, and returned clutching a pack of Haribo Starmix.

‘Thank you,’ I said, and she sat there, smiling at me indulgently, as I piled the sweets into my mouth, one after the other.

I had a mouth full of cola bottles when my phone started to ring. I reached out for it, swallowing hastily and narrowing my eyes against the glare of the screen.

It was Finn.

I waved Alice out of the room. She went as slowly as she could, clearly trying to overhear as much of our conversation as possible.

‘I feel like shit this morning,’ said Finn. His voice was deeper than I remembered, a lazy drawl.

‘I literally think I’m about to die,’ I said.

‘Not because of me, I hope,’ he said.

‘No,’ I said, trying to ignore Alice, who was standing in the doorway, grinning at me.

‘Cool,’ he said. ‘So, like – do you want to go for a drink sometime then?’ He sounded like he wasn’t arsed either way, and yet he obviously was arsed, because here he was calling me the morning after we’d met. ‘Next Friday maybe?’

‘Sounds good,’ I said. He must actually like me, I thought. This could genuinely lead to sex. I wasn’t sure I could remember how to do it. What if I couldn’t – what’s the female equivalent of ‘get it up’?