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“After all, it’s not as if you couldn’t have married if you’d wanted to.” Becky dived into the box and pulled out a handful of paper stars. “Even after Toby left—” She stopped abruptly, her cheeks flaming. “Susannah, I’m sorry, I—”
“Forget it.” Susannah forced her smile to remain, despite the jolt in her stomach at the mention of Toby’s name. “I have.”
That was a lie, of course, and one she should repent of, she supposed. Still, the gut Lord could hardly expect her to go around parading her feelings about the childhood sweetheart who had deserted her a month before their wedding was supposed to take place.
“Have you? Really?” Becky clasped her hand, her brown eyes suddenly swimming with tears.
“Of course I have,” she said with all the firmness she could muster. “It was ten years ago. My disappointment has long since been forgiven and forgotten. I wish Toby well.”
Did she? She tried to, of course. Forgiveness was an integral part of being Amish. But saying she forgave hadn’t seemed to mend the tear in her heart.
“Well, I wish Tobias Unger was here right now so I could give him a piece of my mind,” Becky declared. “He left so fast nobody had a chance to tell him how ferhoodled he was being. And then his getting married out in Ohio to someone he barely knew... Well, like I said, he was just plain foolish.”
News of Toby had filtered back to Pine Creek after he’d left, naturally, since his family still lived here. Everyone knew he’d married someone else within a year of leaving, just as they’d heard about the births of his two children and about his wife’s death last year. His mother had gone out to Ohio to help with the children for a time, and she’d returned saying that Toby and the kinder really ought to move back home.
But he hadn’t, to Susannah’s relief. She wasn’t sure how she’d cope with seeing him all the time.
“Forget about him,” she said. “Let’s talk about how we’re going to arrange the room for the Christmas program. I have some new ideas.”
“You always have ideas,” Becky said, apparently ready to let go of the sensitive subject. “I don’t know how you keep coming up with something new every year.”
“Ach, there’s always something new to find in Christmas.” Susannah felt a bubble of excitement rising in her at the thought of the much-loved season. “Maybe because we all feel like kinder again, ain’t so?”
“I suppose so. Thomas and the twins have been whispering together for weeks now. I think they’re planning a Christmas surprise for me.” Becky smiled.
“Of course they are. That’s what Christmas is, after all. God’s greatest surprise of all for us.” Susannah swung away from the desk, looking around the room. “What do you think about making the schoolroom itself surprising when folks come in? Maybe instead of having the scholars standing in the front, we could turn everything sideways. That would give the kinder more space.”
She walked back through the rows of desks, flinging out her arms to gesture. “You see, if the audience faced this way—”
The door of the one-room school opened suddenly, interrupting her words. Susannah’s heart jolted, and she felt as if she couldn’t breathe.
Surely she was dreaming it. The man standing in the schoolhouse doorway wasn’t...couldn’t possibly be...Toby Unger.
* * *
Toby found himself standing motionless for a little too long, the words of greeting he’d prepared failing to appear. He’d known he would see Susannah, after all. He shouldn’t be speechless.
William, holding on to his left hand, gave him a tug forward, while little Anna clung to his pant leg. Toby cleared his throat, feeling his face redden. He could only hope Susannah would think his flush was from the chill December air.
“Susannah. It’s nice to see you after so long.”
Susannah’s heart-shaped face seemed to lose its frozen look when he spoke. She glanced from him to the two children, and a smile touched her lips.
“Wilkom to the school, Toby. These are your kinder?” She stooped to Anna’s level. “I’m Teacher Susannah. What’s your name?”
For an instant, he thought his daughter would respond, but then she hid her face against his leg, as she always did with strangers these days.
“This is Anna,” he said, resting his hand on her shoulder. “She’s six. And this is my son, William.”
“I’m eight,” William announced. “I’m in third grade.”
“You’re a big boy, then.” Something about the expression in Susannah’s green eyes made Toby wonder if she was seeing him at that age. People often said William was very like him, with his gray-blue eyes and the chestnut-colored hair that was determined to curl.
When Susannah returned her gaze to his face, there was no longer any trace of surprise or shock in her. Her heart-shaped face had maturity and control now, although her soft peachy skin and the delicate curve of her cheek hadn’t changed in the ten years since he’d seen her last.
“How nice that you could come to visit,” she said. “I’m sure your mamm and daad are happy to see you and the kinder, especially since your father has been laid up with that broken leg from his accident.”
Of course that was what she’d assume—that he was here to visit, maybe to help out after his father’s fall from the barn loft. He’d made his decision so quickly there wouldn’t have been time for word to spread, even though the Amish grapevine was probably still as effective as ever. Which meant he had to tell her the news that he assumed Susannah would find very unwelcome.
“We’re not here to visit.” He sent a quick, reassuring glance at the kinder. “We’ve come home to Pine Creek to stay.”
“You’re moving back?”
The question came from behind Susannah, and Toby belatedly realized there was someone else in the schoolroom. He must have been so absorbed in seeing Susannah again that he hadn’t looked beyond her face. It took him a moment to recognize the woman who came quickly toward them.
“Becky Mast.” He might have known that’s who it would be. Becky and Susannah had been best friends since the cradle. He could just imagine how furious Becky had been at him for jilting her dearest friend all those years ago.
“I’m Becky Shuler now.” She stood glaring at him, hands planted on her hips. Becky wasn’t as good as Susannah at hiding her feelings, it seemed. “Are you serious about moving back to Pine Creek? Why would you?” The edge in her voice made no secret of her opinion.
“That means I’ll have William and Anna in my classroom,” Susannah said quickly, sending a warning look at her friend. “I’ll be wonderful glad to have two new students in our school.”
Becky, apparently heeding the stern glance from Susannah, seemed to swallow her ire. She smiled at the kinder. “Anna, are you in first grade? My twin girls are in first grade.”
Anna didn’t speak. He didn’t expect her to. But she nodded slightly.
“The twins will enjoy having a new friend,” Susannah said. “You can sit beside them, if you’d like. Their names are Grace and Mary.”
“Where do the third graders sit, Teacher Susannah?” William pulled free of Toby’s restraining hand. “Are there lots of boys?”
“Third graders sit right over here.” She led him to a row of desks somewhere in size between the smallest ones for the beginners and the almost-adult-sized ones for the eighth graders. “We have three other boys in the third grade and four in the fourth, so you’ll have lots of boys to play with at recess.”
William grabbed one of the desks and lifted the top. Before Toby could correct him, Susannah had closed it again, keeping her hand on the surface for a moment.
“That is someone else’s desk. We don’t look through other people’s things unless they say we may.” Susannah’s quiet firmness seemed to impress William, because he nodded and took a step back.
The confidence of her response startled him. The Susannah he remembered hadn’t been capable of correcting anyone. But they were both ten years older now. They’d both grown and changed, hadn’t they?
“I hope it’s not a problem to add two new scholars into your classroom in the middle of the year,” he said.
His mind wandered to the things he’d have to tell Susannah about the kinder, sooner or later. Things that had made him return home, seeking help and stability from his parents.
There was William’s talent for mischief making. And Anna’s shyness, which seemed to be getting worse, not better. But something in him balked at the thought of confessing his failings as a parent to Susannah, of all people.
With her hand resting on the nearest desk, Susannah seemed very much at ease and in command in her classroom. “Becky, would you mind taking William and Anna out to join the twins on the swings? I have some papers their daadi must fill out.”
Becky nodded and held out her hands to the children. “Komm. I’ll show you the playground.”
To his surprise, Anna took Becky’s hand and trotted alongside her with only one backward glance. William, of course, raced ahead of them. After a pause at the door to allow Becky to grab a jacket against the winter chill, they went outside.
“Denke, Susannah.” He turned back to her. “I wanted a chance to talk without the children overhearing.”
“Of course.” Her tone was suddenly cool and formal. She walked to the teacher’s desk and retrieved a folder from a drawer, not speaking. Then she turned back to him. “Here are some forms you can fill out and return when you bring the kinder to class. Will you want them to start tomorrow?”
He nodded as he took the papers, hesitating in the face of her frosty demeanor. It was as if all Susannah’s gentle friendliness had left the room with his kinder.
Still, he could hardly expect her to welcome him back, not after what he’d done. Groping for something to say, he noticed the Christmas stars strewn across her desk, and the sight made him smile.
“Is it time for the Christmas program already? Some things never change, ain’t so?”
Susannah nodded, her expression brightening. “It wouldn’t seem like Christmas if we didn’t have the school Christmas program to look forward to. Becky and I were just saying that the challenge is to come up with something new every year.”
“It’s not possible, is it?” He felt a sudden longing to keep her smiling, to keep her from thinking about their past. “Except that someone usually makes a new and different mistake each time.”
Susannah leaned against the desk, her face relaxing just a little. “I seem to remember a few mistakes that might have been intentional. Like a certain boy who mixed up the letters in the word the class was supposed to be spelling out, so that our Merry Christmas greeting didn’t make any sense.”
He grinned at the memory. “Don’t mention that to William, or he’ll try to outdo my mischief making.”
“I’ll keep your secret,” she said, the corners of her lips curving, making the words sound almost like a promise.
For a moment they stood looking at each other, and he felt as if they were sixteen years old again, knowing each other so well they hardly needed words to communicate. How was it that the past ten years had disappeared so quickly and the link between them still remained?
“Susannah, I hope—” He stopped, not sure he wanted to go on with what he’d impulsively begun.
“What?” Her eyebrows lifted, her green eyes open and questioning, just like they used to be before he’d given her cause to regard him with wariness and suspicion.
He sucked in a breath, determined to get the words out before he lost his courage. “I just hope my return isn’t...well, difficult for you...after the way we parted.”
After the way he’d panicked as their wedding date grew closer, bolting in the night with only a short note left behind to explain himself.
All the vitality seemed to leave Susannah’s face. She turned, taking a step away from him. The moment shattered as if it had never happened.
“Of course not.” Susannah’s voice was colorless, her voice that of a stranger. “I’m sure everyone in Pine Creek will be happy to wilkom you home.”
Toby carefully smoothed the papers he’d clenched in his hand. Susannah didn’t need words to spell out what she felt. It was only too clear.
She hadn’t forgotten, and she hadn’t forgiven.
Chapter Two (#ulink_aa60e7ba-1562-5afa-a404-ac33efd5bd72)
Susannah held her breath, fearing her denial hadn’t been very convincing. If she wasn’t bothered by Toby’s return to Pine Creek, why did she find it necessary to hide her expression from him?
Because he’d always been able to read her emotions too clearly, answered a small voice in her thoughts. Because she was afraid that the feelings between them might still be there.
Grow up, she told herself fiercely and swung around to face him. She touched her desk with the tips of her fingers, and the reminder of who and where she was seemed to steady her.
“It’s been a long time.” She hoped her smile was more natural now. “I’m sure people will chatter about us, remembering that we planned to marry. But if we show them that we are nothing more than old friends, that should silence the gossip, ain’t so?”
If he believed her only concern was what people might say, so much the better. And it was certain sure the grapevine would wag with this tale for a time.
“If you can stand it, I can.” Toby’s smile was full of relief. It relaxed the tight lines of his face, making him look more like the boy she remembered.
As for the rest... Well, Toby had changed, of course. Maybe men changed more between twenty and thirty than women did. Toby seemed taller, broader, even more substantial in a way. He looked as if it would take a lot to move him.
His hair, always the glossy brown of horse chestnuts, might be a shade darker, but she’d guess it still had glints of bronze in the sun. His eyes were a deep, deep blue, but there were tiny lines at the corners of them now, no doubt because of the difficult time he’d been through with his wife’s death. His curly dark beard hid his chin, but she had no doubt it was as stubborn as ever.
Realizing she was studying his face too long, Susannah said, “Tell me a little about your young ones. Have they had a difficult time adjusting to their mammi’s death?”
Toby nodded. He perched on one of the first grader’s desks, looking like a giant amid the child-size furniture. “It hasn’t been easy. It’s been over a year, you know. I suppose I thought her loss would become less hurtful for them after a time, but that doesn’t seem to be happening.”
“I’m sorry.” Her heart ached at his obvious pain. Poor children. Poor Toby, trying to deal with them and cope with his own grief, as well. “There isn’t any timetable for grief, I’m afraid. For a child to lose his or her mother is devastating.”
“It is.” He rubbed the back of his neck in a gesture so familiar that it made her heart lurch. “I feel like a pretty poor substitute for Emma in their eyes.”
“They need you to be their father, not their mother,” she said gently. “Was your wife’s family not able to help?”
Toby hunched his shoulders. “They had moved to Colorado to help start a new settlement before Emma became sick. Her mother came for a time, but I can’t say it helped a lot. She was so sad herself that it seemed to make the pain even worse for the kinder.”
“So that’s why you decided to come back home.” It was growing easier to talk to him with every word. Soon it wouldn’t bother her at all, and she could treat Toby just as she would any other friend of her childhood.
“That’s so. I knew I needed more help, and my folks kept urging me to come. Then Daad’s accident seemed to make it more crucial.” Toby shifted a little, maybe finding the small desk not well suited for sitting on. His black jacket swung open, showing the dark blue shirt he wore, which nearly matched his eyes. “Daad has always wanted me to work with him in the carriage-building business.” He abruptly stopped speaking, leaving Susannah to think there was more to his decision than he’d admitted.
“Is that what you want, too?”
Toby’s face lit up. “More than anything. Working with Daad was always the future I’d planned for myself, before I...left.”
Susannah had been so wrapped up in her own loss ten years ago that she’d never thought about what Toby had given up when he’d run away from their impending wedding.
“Well, it’s gut that you can join him now.” She forced a cheerful note into her voice. “Especially since he’s laid up. Although I don’t suppose he’s as busy in the winter, anyway, is he?”
“No. Daad says if he had to fall out of the hayloft, he picked the best time to do it. He’d intended to keep working over the winter, but all he’s been able to do is supervise some repairs with Ben doing the work. And constantly criticizing, according to Ben.” He chuckled.
Ben, Toby’s younger brother, had been one of Susannah’s scholars only a few years ago.
Susannah hesitated, but there was a question she wanted answered, and since they were talking so freely, maybe it was best just to get it out.
“I hope you didn’t delay your return all this time because of what happened between us.” That was as close as she could come to asking him outright.
Toby’s eyes widened. “No, Susannah. Please don’t think so. The truth is that Emma didn’t want to move away from her family and the community she’d always known.” He shrugged. “I didn’t much like working in a factory, but I couldn’t bear to tear her away from her family.”
No, she could imagine that Toby hadn’t been well suited to factory work. He’d always wanted to do things his own way and at his own pace. “You made the best decisions you could, I’m sure.”
Toby’s face tightened, and she had a sense of things unsaid. “Well, I’m here now, anyway. I thought Ben might resent me joining the business, but he seems wonderful glad to have someone else for Daad to blame when things go wrong.” His face relaxed in a grin. “Daad’s a little testy since he can’t do things on his own.”
“I’m sure. Your mamm mentioned that she had her hands full with him.”
“That she does. I’m afraid it’s an added burden, me returning with the two kinder. But I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Ach, don’t think that way.” She nearly reached out to him in sympathy but drew back just in time. She couldn’t let herself get too close to Toby, for both their sakes. “You know your parents want nothing more than to have you and their grandchildren with them. Your mamm is always talking about the two of them.”
