скачать книгу бесплатно
Meredith nodded, too choked up to speak. This man and his child had dominated the course of her life for thirteen years. To have him physically in front of her after all this time was both a dream and a nightmare. Her fingers fumbled over the chain slot. Her mind buzzed with the thought of letting him in... to far more than her apartment. And what of his child—her child—who had to be the reason he was here?
“Is Kimberly all right?” The question burst from her as she shakily drew the door wide for him to enter.
“Yes. Couldn’t be healthier,” came the quick assurance. He stepped inside, pausing beside her as she sagged in relief. His brow creased in concern and he made an apologetic gesture. “I’m sorry you were worried. Your daughter is fine, Miss Palmer.”
The acknowledgment that she had a daughter brought tears to her eyes. No one in her current life knew. It had always been a painfully private part of her, not easily shared. Who could understand? There’d been so many forces pushing her into letting her baby go—for the best, they’d all said—but sometimes the mourning for the child she could never hold in her arms was overwhelming.
“Thank you,” she managed huskily.
Agitated by Nick Hamilton’s nearness, his understanding and his sympathy, she waved him on to her living room and made a prolonged business of relocking the door. Being situated on the fourth floor of this apartment building gave her some protection against break-ins and burglaries but Meredith was always careful. A woman on her own had to be in the city. Though it was impossible to protect against everything. She had opened her door and the past had rushed in on her tonight. Impossible to know at this point, whether it was good or bad.
“Nice place you have here.”
The appreciative compliment strove to put this meeting on an ordinary footing. It almost provoked a hysterical laugh from Meredith. She took a deep breath, struggling to keep her wildly swinging emotions under control, then slowly turned to play gracious hostess to this gracious guest. Following a polite formula was probably the best way of coping with untenable dreams.
“Thank you,” she said again, her voice steadier, more natural.
He stood mostly in profile, looking back at her from the end of the short hallway that led past the kitchenette to the living room. For a heart-catching moment she saw the twenty-two-year-old Nick Hamilton, as enraptured by her as she was by him, the air between them charged by a heightened awareness that excluded the rest of the world.
Her heart started to thump erratically. Stupid to think nothing had changed. He was still tall, dark and stunningly handsome, but his superb physique was now clothed in an executive-class suit, there were threads of silver in his glossy black hair, and the lines of his face had a mature set to them, harder, sharper, stronger. Life moved on. He was probably married. With other children.
She’d thought that thought a thousand times before, so why did it hurt like hell right now? Because he was here, she answered herself, and his eyes looked exactly the same as when he’d looked at her in the summertime of their youth, combining the slowly feasting sensuality of dark chocolate with the overlying shine of intense magnets, tugging on her soul.
But what was he seeing? She wasn’t so young anymore, either, and she was suddenly acutely aware of her appearance. Her make-up was probably looking tired after the long day she’d put in at her office, mascara smudged under her eyes, lipstick faded to a pencilled outline. While her smooth olive skin didn’t have blemishes to cover, the matt powder she used to reduce shine would have worn off.
Not exactly putting her best foot forward, she thought ruefully, and was instantly reminded she was standing in her stockinged feet, having kicked off her shoes when she’d come in. Not that it made much difference. She only ever wore little heels. Her legs were so long she always felt her tall, slim figure looked out of proportion in high heels. Nevertheless, the omission of shoes left her feeling even more ungroomed.
And her hair had to be adding to that impression. He’d once described it as strings of honeycomb and treacle—words of smiling whimsy. It was undoubtedly stringy tonight. It hadn’t been brushed since this morning and it was so thick and fine it tended to look unkempt after a few hours, billowing out into a fuzzy cloud instead of a smooth curtain on either side of her long neck.
At least her dress would have retained its class. The silk linen chemise was mostly printed in a geometric pattern, black, white and sand, with stylish bands of each colour running around the lower half of the skirt. It was very much an adult, career-woman dress, she thought wryly, no shades of the teenager in skimpy beach wear. Life had moved on for her, too.
He broke out of his stillness, his shoulders visibly squaring, chin lifting in a dismissive jerk. “Forgive me for staring. It must be the likeness to Kimberly. The eyes. Same unusual shade of green. It feels...uncanny,” he said in an awkward rush.
“I thought she was more like...”
You.
The word teetered on her tongue. She barely bit it back in time. Her heart somersaulted. Did he know? He wasn’t supposed to know. Meredith had no idea what it would mean to his life if he did. She quickly shook her head, dismissing the subject.
“I would have remembered if I’d ever met you,” he blurted out with emphatic certainty, his gaze skating over her, taking in the line and length of her, each finely drawn feature of her face. His brow puckered over the sense of recognition. “It has to be the eyes,” he murmured more to himself than her.
No, it’s all of me, Meredith silently cried, fiercely wishing she could say it.
He shot her a smile that dizzied her with its appealing charm. “I have to confess this situation is like none other I’ve ever been in. I’m not usually so gauche.”
“Please...go on and sit down. Make yourself comfortable,” she invited, forcing herself to move to the kitchen doorway. Easier to cover the strain of this meeting with social conventions. “Can I get you a drink? I’ve opened a bottle of white wine if you’d like a glass, but if you’d prefer tea or coffee...?”
He hesitated, then with an air of playing for time, asked, “Will you have some wine with me?”
“Yes.” Why not? She wanted time with him, too, however futile and hurtful it might be.
He nodded. “Thank you.”
She took the bottle from the refrigerator, glad to have something to do. His presence had her nerves jangling. What did he want here? Why had he come?
He didn’t sit down. He prowled around, glancing over the contents of her bookcases, taking in the twilight view of the ocean beyond Balmoral Beach from the picture windows behind her lounge suite, eyeing the floral arrangements she’d done for herself, matching them against her furnishings. She’d been pleased with their artistic simplicity. Was he impressed? she wondered. What was he gleaning from this detailed observation of her personal environment?
Strange to think she would never have become a florist but for being pregnant so young, having to drop out of school and being shuttled out of sight to her stepmother’s sister in Sydney. Ironic how one thing had led to another, the unpaid apprenticeship in her stepaunt’s shop giving her the interest and training to develop a talent she had eventually turned into a successful business.
“Do you share this apartment?” Nick Hamilton asked, tense and ill at ease with the question but asking it nonetheless.
“No,” she replied. “It’s all mine,” she added with a touch of pride, knowing that the home she’d created here proved she was a woman of independent means.
She’d taken her time, selecting what she wanted to live with. The deeply cushioned, squashy leather sofa and chairs were cream so she could dress them up with the multicoloured tapestry cushions she’d stitched over many lonely nights. The wood of the bookshelves and desk was a blond ash, as were the sidetables and her small, four-chair dining suite. The carpet was a dusky pink mushroom.
She’d wanted everything soft and light, uplifting and cosy. It suited her. She fiercely told herself whatever he thought didn’t matter. He’d dropped out of her life thirteen years ago and had no right to walk back into it and be critical of anything.
She pushed his glass of wine across the kitchen counter which was open to the living area. “Your drink.”
“Thank you. You haven’t married?” His eyes were sharply curious and calculating as he came toward her to pick up the wine.
The highly personal inquiry niggled Meredith. He’d spoiled her for any other man and she resented the implication she might have had a free ride on a husband’s income. “No. I didn’t get this place from a man, Mr. Hamilton,” she answered tersely. “I’ve made my own way through a lot of hard work and a bit of luck. Did you achieve whatever you’ve got through a woman?”
In a way he had, his sister protecting him from even knowing about a responsibility he had incurred. He’d been left free to prosper in his chosen career instead of being saddled with a young wife and baby. Denise Graham had not only ensured he had every chance to succeed, she’d kept his child for him, too.
He looked abashed. “I didn’t mean to suggest...”
Resentment over his intrusion in her life now—far too late—brought a surge of impatience with his purpose. “Just why are you checking me out?” she demanded bluntly. “What answers are you looking for?”
He grimaced at her directness. “I guess you could say we’re both faced with a highly delicate situation. I’m trying to ascertain what your attitude might be toward a meeting with Kimberly. Whether it would intrude negatively on the life you have now.”
Her mind reeled at the incredible import of what he was saying. A meeting with her daughter? She’d barely dared to hope for it some time in the future when Kimberly was old enough to be her own person. How could this be when she was only twelve?
“Your sister will allow it?” Her throat had gone so dry her voice was a raw croak. Her eyes clung to his in a torment of doubt.
“My sister and her husband were killed in a car accident a year ago. Just before Christmas,” he stated quietly. “Kimberly has been in my care ever since.”
Shock rolled through her in mind-blowing, heart-wrenching waves. Denise and Colin Graham dead. Since before Christmas last year. And all this time she’d been thinking of them, picturing them going about their lives in their family unit, enjoying all she couldn’t enjoy with their daughter. A year! Her daughter had been without a mother, without her adoptive parents, for a whole year!
“I was appointed her legal guardian,” Nick Hamilton went on, apparently still unaware he was Kimberly’s natural father. His gaze seemed to tunnel into her mind as he added, “I didn’t know about you. Didn’t know there was any contact between you and my sister.”
Meredith closed her eyes. She couldn’t bear his non-knowledge of her. And death could have sealed those secret, intimate links forever. It made her sick to think of it.
“Only today did I get your address from the solicitor.” His voice strained now, strained with all he didn’t know and the fear of the unknown. “He didn’t want to give it to me. He argued that Denise’s death closed the personal connection between the two of you. He advised against my picking it up.”
Fear of the consequences...dear God! The roads that had been travelled to this point! And he was afraid of letting her in to their lives!
“Why did you?” she asked faintly, trying to suppress the bitterness of having no legal rights. Even when the adoptive parents were dead, she couldn’t make a claim on her own child.
“For Kimberly. She wants...”
Meredith lifted her lashes enough to see his grimace. He didn’t like this. Didn’t want it. He’d come against the solicitor’s advice, against his own better judgment. His chest rose and felt as he expelled a long, ragged sigh.
“She wants...her real mother...for Christmas,” he finished flatly.
For Christmas.
Only for Christmas.
A limited encounter... just like with her father. Limited...time out of time to cherish...treasure... haunt. The pain of the limitation sucked the blood from her brain. She clutched at the kitchen counter but couldn’t summon the strength to hold on as she slid into dark oblivion.
CHAPTER THREE
NICK picked her up from the kitchen floor and cradled her against his chest. A pins and needles sensation attacked his whole body. It wasn’t the effort of carrying her weight. She was not a big woman despite her above-average height. It was the way she seemed to nestle in his arms, her head dropping onto his shoulder as though it belonged there, her long hair flowing across his throat, skeins of silk somehow entangling him with feelings his brain couldn’t compute at all. They didn’t make sense. At least... not a sense he was ready to acknowledge.
It was too crazy... too beyond rational explanation. He hadn’t met her before. He knew he hadn’t. Her eyes being the same as Kimberly’s was not the answer, either. Kimberly was a child. Meredith Palmer was a woman. How did a woman he didn’t know get to walk through his dreams? And to have her materialise in front of him...real flesh and blood...every line of her hauntingly familiar to him... Nick was hopelessly distracted from establishing what he’d come here to do.
He should have approached the salient facts more obliquely, been more sensitive to their impact on her. It was obvious she’d been stressed at not receiving the packet from Denise and his appearance on the scene must have agitated her further despite the reassurance he’d tried to give. Here she was in a dead faint, all because he’d responded without giving enough thought to how it would affect her, and he was still caught up in how she affected him!
Instead of standing in her kitchen like a dumb ox, holding her in his own personal daze, he should be doing something constructive about bringing her back to consciousness. He forced his mind to focus on practicalities.
The sofa in her living room was only a two-seater, not large enough to lay her out comfortably. Bedroom and bathroom had to be nearby. A door stood slightly ajar near one of the bookcases. He carried her to it and manoeuvred her into what proved to be her bedroom.
She was beginning to stir as he lowered her onto the bed, her head rolling restlessly, as though in blind search of something lost. A low moan of longing or some deep inner torment issued from her throat and tugged at his heart. He grasped her hand, his fingers curling tightly around hers, pressing his warmth and strength, wanting to impart she was not alone.
Thinking he should probably get her a glass of water, he glanced around, looking for a door into an ensuite bathroom. And shock hit him again.
The walls were covered with photographs of Kimberly!
Montages of each year of his niece’s life hung in frames, interspersed with blow-ups of what were particularly good shots of her, capturing a highly expressive look that seemed to bring her personality stunningly, vibrantly alive in this room.
It was eerie, seeing Kimberly in such close focus from babyhood onward. Nick had seen most of the photographs before at various times, but never in this kind of concentration. The collection, so overwhelmingly displayed, suddenly seemed to smack of unhealthy obsessiveness.
Kimberly’s plea...if my real mother wants me... became an absurd understatement in the face of so much visual evidence of wanting. Nick’s head buzzed with a confusion of moral and legal rights. Kimberly was family to him, yet how much more was she to this woman who had given her birth? What if Kimberly’s desire to meet her was capricious? What was he setting in motion here?
The warning given by Hector Burnside, Denise’s old solicitor, started ringing in Nick’s ears. Leave well enough alone. You don’t know what you might be walking into. It could be dangerous ground.
Maybe he should have heeded the advice of a man who had seen all sides of human nature in his line of work. Nick shook his head over the dilemma he now found himself in. He’d promised Kimberly an answer from her real mother. In choosing to follow that course, he wasn’t sure if he’d stepped into a dream or a nightmare. Either way, it was too late to walk out of it.
CHAPTER FOUR
HE WAS holding her hand.
The physical link generated a flood of warm feeling that drove away the chilling fear of the unknown and soothed the whirling chaos in her mind. She hadn’t died and moved on to where impossible things were possible. She wasn’t dreaming. Nick Hamilton’s hand pressed solid substance in a world that had shifted too fast for Meredith to retain a grip on it herself.
The initial confusion of finding herself on her bed, with him sitting beside her, quickly cleared as she remembered what had gone before. “I must have fainted,” she croaked in surprise.
Her voice startled him out of the private reverie he’d fallen into. His head jerked around to face her. His eyes had a dazed look. “Yes,” he said, his focus sharpening. “You still look pale. Would you like a drink of water?”
She started to prop herself up on her elbow. The room reeled. She fell back on the pillows, hopelessly dizzy. “Yes, please. It might help.” She closed her eyes, fighting a wave of nausea. “Sorry...”
“My fault.” His weight shifted off the bed. “Be right back.”
A combination of shock with too much wine on an empty stomach, Meredith reasoned, wishing she’d had the sense to eat properly. She didn’t want Nick Hamilton thinking she was sickly and unable to cope with difficult situations. He might think bet ter of her meeting Kimberly for even a short time.
The longing to see her daughter in the flesh rose so strongly, it overrode every other consideration. To actually see her, watch her in action, listen to her, hear how she felt about so many things... it would be worth any amount of heartache.
Fearing that the opening Nick Hamilton had offered might be withdrawn if his impression of her was negative, Meredith swung her legs off the bed and bent her head down to her knees, determined on regaining her equilibrium. By the time he returned with a glass of water, she had steadied enough to drink it.
The weight of liquid helped settle her stomach. As she put the emptied glass on the bedside table, she glanced up to thank him, only to find he wasn’t watching her. He was staring at the photographs on the wall and the grim set to his face did not reflect any pleasure in them.
Her heart sank as she realised what an overwhelming effect the display might have on someone who hadn’t seen it, who didn’t live with it. She didn’t expect others to understand her need for these all too few windows on the life of her lost child and she instinctively recoiled from having that deeply driven maternal need exposed.
“I didn’t invite you in here. I don’t invite anyone in here,” she burst out defensively.
The look he turned on her was so wary it made Meredith feel frantic. Was he in retreat from her? She made a floundering gesture at the photographs.
“I mean all this...it’s private,” she cried, desperate to win a sympathetic hearing. “You probably take Kimberly and everything about her for granted, having her around you all the time. This is the only way I have of seeing my child grow up.”
He shook his head, an appalled expression in his eyes, as though, until this moment, he hadn’t begun to comprehend the immense loss she’d borne since Kimberly’s birth.
“I gave her up because I thought it best for her. That doesn’t mean I love her any less,” Meredith asserted with vehement passion, trying to appeal to his sense of fairness.
“I’m sorry,” he said gruffly. “I had no idea...no appreciation of...” He gestured apologetically. “I beg your pardon for not being more...prepared.”
The father of her child, appearing out of nowhere to suddenly hold out the chance of a reunion—more of a reunion than he knew—how could he have any idea what it meant to her? She ached all over just looking at him, having him near, bringing back the memories of her double grief.
He backed off a step, his face creased in pained concern. “I didn’t mean to invade your privacy by bringing you in here. It was only to help. If you’d prefer to recover alone now...”
Anxiety sank its claws in. Was he seizing an opportunity to escape from a situation he was finding too fraught with emotion? Had she just ruined the one chance she might ever have of meeting her daughter? The last thing she wanted was to drive him away. So much was hanging in the balance. She sought frantically for ways to plead her cause and all she could come up with was to beg a stay of judgment.
“Please don’t go. I won’t collapse on you again.”
An aeon seemed to pass as his eyes bored into hers, searching, sifting, undecided as to what was right or wrong. His tension made hers worse. Every nerve in her body was strung tight, willing him to stay and talk until a more favourable position was reached.
“I’ll wait in the living room,” he said, clearly discomforted by the walls of photographs, the stark evidence of deprived motherhood and the overcharged atmosphere that had risen from its confrontation.
An intense wash of relief brought a hot flow of blood to Meredith’s cheeks. Hopefully it gave them a healthy-looking flush. “I’ll come with you,” she rushed out, afraid to let him out of her sight in case he had second thoughts. “It’s food I need. Once I’ve had something solid to eat I’m sure I’ll feel much better.”
She quickly pushed up from the bed, swaying slightly before finding her balance. He was beside her in an instant, ready to lend his support. Her eyes pleaded for belief as she assured him, “I’m not usually fragile.”
“Take my arm.” It was a firm command. “I’ll see you seated on your sofa. Then you can tell me what to do in your kitchen to assemble a meal for you.”
“I can manage,” she protested, intent on proving it.
“So can I,” he insisted, intent on taking control.
The need to show independent strength suddenly lost its importance. If she kept him busy with her now, she gained the time to impress him as a responsible person whom he could trust to act both sensibly and sensitively when it came to a meeting with Kimberly. It had to come to that. Had to.
