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‘Have you two been arguing again?’ Adam stuck his head round the back door.
Lucy swung round. ‘That woman’s getting more difficult by the day,’ she said. ‘Does as she likes and won’t listen to a word anyone says.’
Adam smiled. ‘Like someone else we know then, eh?’
Lucy laughed. ‘You’re right. I do have too much to say at times.’ Whenever she was in Adam’s company she felt content. ‘Is the car all right?’
‘Running like silk.’
‘So, you’ll be away on your errands now, will you?’
‘That was the plan,’ he answered quietly. ‘Go into Bedford and collect the curtains you ordered, then visit the Post Office and the baker’s on the way back. Then I’ve the rest of the day to put the new shelves up in the outhouse.’
‘How long will you be?’
‘I can’t say for certain. Sometimes the road gets busy, sometimes it isn’t.’ Sensing her loneliness, he asked, ‘D’you want to come with me?’
Lucy shook her head. ‘No.’
Adam knew Lucy’s every mood, and at this moment he knew he should not leave her alone with her memories. ‘There’s nothing so urgent that it can’t wait till later,’ he said softly. ‘I’ll keep you company for a while – if you want me to, that is?’
The tears still moist in her eyes, Lucy looked up. ‘Thank you, Adam, I’d like that,’ she whispered. No one alive knew her better than Adam, she thought fondly.
Relief flooded through him. When Lucy was sad, he was sad. And he was always content to be with her even if only as a friend; though one day, God willing, she might come to see him through more loving eyes.
He went over and settled himself in the chair opposite. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked. ‘And don’t say nothing, because I know you too well.’
‘What makes you think something’s wrong?’
He smiled knowingly. ‘You’re thinking of Barney, aren’t you?’ His voice was kind.
Lucy nodded.
‘And you’ve been crying, haven’t you?’
She nodded again.
‘D’you want to talk about it?’
Drawing a deep sigh, Lucy confessed: ‘I can’t stop wondering about Barney’s other family … Vicky and the children. Lately I can’t seem to get them out of my mind, wondering where they are, and if they’re safe.’ She gave a nervous smile. ‘I won’t always be here, Adam. I’m getting old. How could I go to my Maker, with such a weight of secrets in my heart?’
Adam gave a slow, knowing nod. ‘I understand how you feel, because I, too, often think about the others. To be honest, Lucy, I’m not sure if it would be kinder for them to know how it all came about. Or would the truth ruin what small contentment they might have found?’
Adam’s concerns echoed in Lucy’s mind. ‘If they are to be told, it’s me who should do the telling. And like I say, I’m getting on now, and time is rushing by. I must soon decide one way or the other.’
The very thought of not having her around filled him with dread. ‘Don’t talk as though you’re old and decrepit because you’re not,’ he urged. ‘God willing, you and I have many more years to enjoy, before our time comes.’
For a moment Lucy reflected on his words, and as always Adam had brought a kind of quietness to her heart. ‘I hope so,’ she murmured. ‘But I can’t shut out the past, and I can’t see a way forward.’
Adam felt the same, but his first instinct had always been to protect Lucy. ‘All I’m saying is, don’t torment yourself. For all our sakes, try and let it rest. For now at least.’
Driven by doubts and guilt, Lucy reminded him, ‘Some time ago, you insisted that Mary was entitled to know the truth, and you were right. So, don’t you think they should know it, too? You say we risk ruining any contentment they may have found, but what if all these years they’ve never known peace of mind? What if the children have grown into adulthood, still carrying all the pain and anger that drove them away. And what of young Susie? Dear God, she loved her father with all of her young heart.’
Lucy recalled the powerful bond between Barney and his daughter. ‘I can’t get her out of my mind. I see the two of them sitting on the swing in the orchard, talking and laughing … happy and content in each other’s company. She was so young, Adam. She knew only what she saw and heard, and that was a shocking thing. She never knew how Barney was suffering … how much he adored her. Susie was his darling little girl, and she went away hating him …’
Her voice breaking with emotion, Lucy bowed her head. For a moment neither she nor Adam spoke, but when he reached out to lay his hand over hers, she grasped it tight, drew it to her face and held it there for a moment.
To Lucy the moment was immensely comforting. Adam was right. He knew her as no one else could. He had travelled the years with her and Barney, and when Barney was gone, he was her beacon of light through days of darkness.
Though he could never be Barney, Adam was a very special man.
When the moment was gone, she released his hand and raised her eyes to his. ‘I try, but I can’t stop thinking about them – Susie, the two boys and Vicky, that lovely gentle woman who did all she could for me and Jamie – treated us like her own family. You know how devoted she and Barney were to each other, how they lived their whole life around each other. What happened to them, to the children, was so cruel, Adam … so terrible!’
So many sunsets had come and gone since those days over twenty years ago, she thought. In her mind she cast her memory back to the time when she could run like the wind and her life was filled with sunshine and the joy of youth. But there had been pain too; such pain she had thought never to recover from it. But somehow life goes on and takes you with it, whether you want it to or not.
Later, when everything else was lost, she and Barney had known their own joy together, and though it was for such a short time, Lucy had thanked the Good Lord many times over.
After Barney had died from the heart disease that had destroyed his last few years on this earth, her life seemed desolate. But then Barney had left her with a new life: Mary, their daughter, had been her salvation. Along with her dear friend, Adam, that patient, endearing man to whom she owed so much.
‘Sometimes I think I’m the luckiest woman in the world.’ Speaking her thoughts in a whisper, she hardly even noticed that Adam was beside her.
‘Lucy?’ Adam’s quiet voice invaded her thoughts. ‘What are you thinking?’
She looked up at him, her quiet eyes bathing his face. ‘I was just thinking how Barney and I had so little time together. The days went all too swiftly, and even when we were making love and Mary was conceived, I always knew it was Vicky he needed, and not me.’ Her smile was bittersweet. ‘I didn’t mind, not really. I would rather have had that small part of him, than live all of my life without him.’
Adam had never heard Lucy talk of her relationship with Barney in that particular, intimate way. He felt embarrassed and humbled, yet proud that she felt able to impart such a confidence to him.
Suddenly she had his face cradled in her hands, her warm blue eyes hinting a smile. ‘I’m sorry.’
Relaxed in her gaze, he asked, ‘Why should you be sorry?’
‘I’ve been insensitive … talking of private moments with Barney, when I know how you feel towards me.’
Adam did not want her to reproach herself, and so he led her away from that place. ‘Have you always known how much I love you?’
Lucy’s smile was radiant. ‘You were never very good at hiding it.’
‘Did you think I was foolish?’
‘Never! Besides, I always loved you back. But not in the way I loved Barney.’
Adam’s face crumpled in a smile. ‘It’s an odd world,’ he said. ‘I love you; you loved Barney; and he loved Vicky. The eternal triangle.’
Letting go of him, Lucy sat back in her seat. ‘We can’t help the way we feel,’ she answered.
With her touch still tingling on his skin, Adam waited a moment, before in a spurt of boldness he asked, ‘Marry me?’
Momentarily taken aback, Lucy was about to answer, when he stopped her. ‘You said just now you loved me, though I accept it could never be like it was with Barney. But I’ve never loved anyone else and never could. Think about it, Lucy. We’re so good together. We can talk easily to each other …’
There was so much he wanted to say. ‘We’ve known some wonderful times, Lucy,’ he remarked thoughtfully. ‘Some good, some bad. But we’ve lived through them together, always supporting each other. We make each other laugh, we’re content and easy in each other’s company. What more could we ask, at our time of life? And I’ll always take care of you, Lucy. You know that.’
Lost for words, she took a moment to consider what he was saying. This was not the first time Adam had proposed, and she suspected it would not be the last. But this time there was a kind of desperation about his boldness, and it made her ashamed.
‘Oh Lucy, I’m so sorry.’ Wishing he had kept his silence, Adam was concerned that he had turned her against him. ‘Now I’ve spoiled everything, haven’t I?’
Lucy put his fears to rest. ‘No, you haven’t, you darling man. We’ve always understood each other, and we’ve always been able to speak our minds. That will never change. You’ll always be very special to me.’
‘But you won’t marry me?’
‘I can’t.’
‘Never?’
Lucy had learned to count her life in minutes and weeks. ‘Never is a long time.’
Sensing a kind of acceptance, Adam thought it wise to back away from the subject of marriage. ‘I won’t mention it again.’
Lucy chuckled. ‘Yes, you will.’
‘Do you want me to?’
Loth to mislead him, she made a suggestion. ‘Why don’t we just leave things as they are for now? When I have a change of mind, I’ll be sure to tell you. Agreed?’ She held out her hand for him to hold.
Adam was thrilled. Lucy had said, ‘when I have a change of mind’.
That was his first real glimpse of hope. ‘Agreed!’ Reaching out, he took hold of her hand and kept it clasped in his for a moment longer than necessary, until Lucy gave him one of those reprimanding, twinkling looks that turned his toes up and set his old heart racing.
The conversation took another direction. ‘Lucy …’ He hesitated. ‘Will you let me take you back?’
‘Back?’ She knew what he meant, but could not bring herself to acknowledge it. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Back there … to Jamie.’ Before she could protest, he went on, ‘For your own peace of mind, you must go back. Do you think I don’t know how it haunts you? Sometimes, when your mind wanders, I know you’re thinking of him, reliving that night, remembering every little detail. I feel your pain, Lucy. You need to be there. It isn’t enough that you’ve arranged to have his grave looked after, and no, Bridget did not tell me about that. She didn’t have to.’
Lucy felt the weight of his every word. ‘Are you judging me?’ she whispered.
Adam shook his head. ‘I would never judge you, you know that,’ he assured her. ‘We all need to deal with things in different ways. I knew you could never come away and not have someone look after Jamie’s resting-place. Bridget was the obvious choice; she’s loyal and honest, and she thinks of you as family.’
Lucy gave a wistful smile. ‘She’s always been there for me, and now she’s there for little Jamie. I owe her so much.’
‘I know that. And it’s a good arrangement, but it isn’t the same, is it? Forgive me, Lucy, but anyone can pay weekly visits and place the flowers there, and I know Bridget is a long and loyal friend, but she is not his mother. You are.’
Pausing a moment, he then went on in softer tone, ‘I know how, deep down, you long to go back. Let me take you, Lucy. Please! Let me do that much for you at least?’
‘I can’t!’
‘Why not?’
For a long moment Lucy lapsed into silence, her mind alive with the past, then in a fearful voice she asked, ‘What do you think happened to Edward Trent?’
Adam snorted with disgust. ‘We can only hope and pray he’s already got his comeuppance. A man like that must incur enemies and loathing wherever he goes.’
‘Why do you think they never caught him after … after he …’ Her voice broke.
‘Because like all rats he knows all the dark places where he can scurry away and hide.’
‘Do you think he’s still alive?’
Adam shook his head. ‘Who knows? If there’s any justice, he’ll be rotting in the fires of Hell where he belongs!’
When now, Lucy turned away, her face cold and set with loathing, he asked tenderly, ‘Let me take you back, my darling. It might help to lay the ghosts.’
But Lucy would not be persuaded. ‘I don’t want to talk about it any more,’ she replied quietly.
Realising that Lucy had put up the barriers and he had no chance of getting close, Adam departed, leaving her to ponder on what he’d said.
Strolling to the dresser, Lucy held Barney’s photograph and for a time she looked at his familiar face, the strong set of his jaw, the light in those wonderful eyes, and the boyish, mischievous smile that played about his mouth. A sigh rippled through her body. So much to think about. So much guilt. And what about Vicky and the others? Should she write to them, or should she leave well alone?
The thought of revealing Barney’s long-held secret was almost unbearable. Lucy asked him: ‘How can I tell her how you put yourself through Hell, so she and your children could have peace of mind and security?’
She lingered a moment longer, tracing the profile of his face with the tip of her finger, and turning the whole idea over in her mind. ‘If the truth must be told, I pray they will find the strength to deal with it,’ she whispered.
As she walked away, Lucy turned back to the photo one last time. She thought of those on the other side of the Atlantic, and at last she knew what must be done. ‘I know I will have to tell them, Barney,’ she said out loud, ‘and I know it will come as a terrible shock. If I had it in my power, I would make it less painful for them.’ Her heart sank. ‘But it’s not.’
Squaring her shoulders, she searched inside herself for an answer, but there was none. ‘They would need to find the strength to live with it.’ The smallest hint of bitterness shaped her words. ‘Just as we did, all those long years ago.’
Outside, Elsie was chatting with the coalman, conveniently forgetting she was in a rush and making him chuckle as always. ‘I saw you in front as you came down the lane,’ she told him. ‘I might have begged a lift only you were too far away.’
A bumbling, homely sort with a wonky shoulder got from years of carrying heavy bags, the coalman joked, ‘So you don’t mind your arse being covered in coaldust then?’
‘Not really, no,’ Elsie replied. ‘I might tell yer, I’ve had worse than that in my time. But I’ve never had a ride in a coalcart.’
‘An’ would you enjoy two grown men fighting over yer?’
‘Hmh? That’ll be the day’
‘What would your Charlie say, if I let you sit on my cart?’
Elsie laughed. ‘I’ve no idea, but I’m willing if you are.’
‘I’d watch what you say if I were you.’ The coalman gave a naughty wink. ‘There’s many a man might take advantage of a remark like that.’
‘You behave yerself, Bert Peters!’ Elsie chided. ‘I’m too old in the tooth to be flirting with the likes of you – and besides, if I were to pounce on you now, you’d run a mile. Don’t deny it!’
Bert roared with laughter. ‘Aye, an’ if you were to pounce on me now, I’d more likely collapse. I’ve carried that many bags o’ coal today, me legs ’ave gone.’
Back in Knudsden House, Lucy heard their shrieks of laughter echo across the valley, and couldn’t help but smile. The world might be crumbling round your ears, she thought, but somehow, life went on.
Her thoughts returned to what Adam had said earlier, and her mind was made up.
