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I switched on the ignition and drove up towards the surface.
Do you want me to recall that email? the stone said.
No.
Your call, I suppose.
Yes.
We drove home in silence.
Later, at home, Simone came into the office and sat across the desk from me. ‘You are such a cow,’ she said.
I didn’t look away from the screen. ‘Thank you.’
She sighed and put her head in her hands. ‘Sarah is the least snotty of the snotty bitches in my grade.’
‘No, she isn’t, Simone, you are.’
She was silent for a moment, then swept back her honey-coloured hair and sat back in her chair. ‘I just want to be a normal kid. Is that so hard?’
‘I desperately want to be a normal human. Not a demon. Not a snake. Just a woman. Sometimes we have to deal with what we’re given.’
‘Thanks for pointing out all the horrible things that have happened to you because of me.’
‘I think it’s more because of your father,’ I said mildly. ‘Particularly the snake thing.’
‘When he comes back, our lives are gonna be twenty times weirder again, aren’t they?’
‘Probably.’
‘I really don’t want a weird life, Emma. Sometimes, I don’t want him back; I just want to have a normal life here without him.’
I turned to face her. ‘When he was living with your mother, she wouldn’t let him do anything Celestial in front of her. That’s one of the reasons we’re in this predicament in the first place —’
‘You can’t blame Mummy for this!’ she protested.
‘I’m not blaming her. I’ve heard a lot about your mother, Simone, and she was a wonderful, strong, smart woman who put up with an awful lot of bullshit from your dad and his assorted cronies before she put her foot down and told him she’d had enough. She wanted a normal life too. He did his best to give her that, and he did incredibly well. Jade’s told me stories about how your mother sacrificed so much — her career, her travel, everything — and he made the sacrifice too of not taking True Form, of not travelling to the Plane nearly as much, and of staying here with you.’
‘They should have known it would end in disaster,’ Simone said, her voice small. ‘Daddy should have known. Celestials can see the future. He should never have promised Mummy not to take True Form, that was so stupid.’
‘He can’t see the future when those he loves are involved. He’s said that.’
She glanced at me. ‘Really? He didn’t know whether we’d live or die?’
‘He said he could see the possibilities, and they were all nasty. The other Celestials wouldn’t tell him. The minute your mother was murdered, he knew things were heading downhill fast and did the best he could to salvage the situation.’
‘I wonder how things would be if Mummy was still alive,’ she said. ‘She could have taken me to the Plane … Daddy would be at full strength … we would be a family.’
‘I’ve said that myself more than once.’
She dropped her head. ‘Oh, sorry, Emma.’
‘Nothing to be sorry about. But when your father comes back — and he will come back, Simone — you’ll have your family again.’
‘And the weirdness will get twenty times worse.’
‘You missed my point. He’s quite capable of being normal and having a mundane family life if that’s what’s required of him. He did it for your mother, he can do it for you. Well, as normal as is possible in this crazy town.’
She brightened but didn’t reply.
‘There won’t be the low-energy issue, and you won’t be a tiny child who can’t travel to the Plane,’ I went on. ‘It’ll all work out.’
‘Maybe,’ she said. ‘But in the meantime, I have to go back to school tomorrow and be labelled a martial arts freak because I told Sarah the truth.’
‘You know what, Simone? I think every other girl — and boy — there will think you’re the coolest kid ever ’cause you can do the arts, and they’ll ask you for demonstrations. Then, by the end of the week, they’ll have forgotten all about it.’
‘I will not give demonstrations.’
‘I don’t either.’
She smiled. ‘That was a pretty convincing demonstration you gave the Nemesis.’
‘Did you see his tummy?’
She laughed, and it was wonderful to hear. ‘It was like vanilla pudding, oh my God, so flabby!’
I dropped my voice to a low purr. ‘Sexy.’
She laughed even harder.
‘Don’t cut off your friendship with Eva and Sylvie just because they’re Shen, Simone. If you do that, you’re no better than Sarah. They can be ordinary kids, just like you, and you can go shopping with them just like ordinary girls. They like you.’
She paused, thoughtful. ‘I guess you’re right.’
The entrance to the Palace of the Dark Heavens was a huge gate at the end of a long, tree-lined avenue. The road widened there to form a circle so people could be dropped off; and in the circle’s centre was a round pavilion, about four metres across, for those who arrived directly.
When Simone and I landed there was a sedan chair waiting for us next to the pavilion, a couple of tame demons standing unmoving and patient between the carry bars. Two officials in black robes were there too, and two black, heavy-set Chinese horses stood behind the sedan chair, saddled and bridled but not tethered to anything.
The officials bowed low, saluting at the same time. One stepped forward and spoke. ‘Regent of the Dark Northern Heavens, Lady Emma, Dark Lady, First Heavenly General, Serpent Who Wears the Stone of the World. Princess Simone, Only Human Child of the Xuan Wu, Wielder of the Seven Stars. We welcome you to your palace and trust you will be comfortable during your stay. It is our desire to fulfil your every wish. The hearths are warm and the servants ready to do your bidding. Please allow us to guide you to your home in the Northern Heavens.’
I bowed my serpent head to them both individually. ‘True Lord Xu, Religious Master of Ten Thousand Magical Arts and Giver of Supernatural Aid; True Lord Yu, Religious Master of Meritorious Magnificence, Original Lord of the Transmission of the Salvific Miracle, I am honoured by your welcome and greet you most cordially.’
‘I honour your welcome, my Lords,’ Simone said, and saluted. ‘All appears to be in good order, in alignment with the forces of the Celestial and pleasing to the spirit.’
Lord Xu gestured towards the sedan chair. ‘My Ladies, if it pleases you, I have arranged this transportation to your abode in the Heavens, guarded and guided by ourselves to ensure that you reach your destination in safety and comfort.’
We nodded again and I replied, ‘This transportation is most suitable for our needs and we are pleased to take it to our palace.’
The officials bowed to us again, and we walked — or in my case slithered with as much dignity as I could muster — to the sedan chair. I coiled up in my ‘senior’ place on the seat facing forward and Simone sat facing the back. The curtains over the windows closed by themselves and there was a lurch upwards as the demons lifted the chair. There was barely room for Simone’s knees to clear the seat on my side. She leaned back and closed her eyes. The jingling bits and creaking of leather indicated that the officials had mounted their horses. The sedan chair lurched again and began its horrible swaying progression towards the palace entrance.
‘You had it exactly right,’ the stone said. ‘Well done.’
‘It’s a freaking script,’ I said softly. ‘It’s all acting.’
‘It is an important ceremony that emphasises and enhances your rule over the Northern Heavens and attunes the energy flowing in the palace to your own,’ the stone said. ‘The whole thing is vital to the health of your rule and the Heavens themselves.’
‘That is the biggest load of bull I have ever heard,’ Simone said without opening her eyes.
‘How does the Tiger put up with all this?’ I said.
‘The Tiger revels in it,’ the stone said. ‘Michael’s told you about the Harvest Festival, hasn’t he?’
‘Yeah, he says it’s like the German Oktoberfest,’ Simone said. ‘Just a huge excuse to get drunk.’
‘The Tiger performs many rituals during the three days of the festival to ensure the safety and wellbeing of his family,’ the stone said. ‘Michael would be aware of that if he were further up the hierarchy of sons. For those lower down, it’s just a big party.’
‘It’s kind of disturbing the way they wear cloth patches to indicate their relationship to the Tiger so no incest takes place,’ Simone said. She opened her eyes and grabbed the side of the sedan chair as it lurched particularly violently; one of the carriers had stumbled slightly. ‘I mean, what if they met each other outside the palace and got it on? It’s so wrong.’
The stone hesitated slightly, then said, ‘Is this something that concerns you, Simone?’
She leaned back again, her expression stiff. ‘Maybe.’
‘The tradition of “calling” is a way of avoiding this. Mortals do it to mimic Celestials.’
Simone looked interested. ‘Really? I thought it was just about using the title to show respect.’
‘It’s more than just establishing the pecking order in the family,’ the stone said. ‘It’s a way of confirming exactly how closely you’re related. Junior members of the family greet senior members by “calling” them — Poh Poh, Yeh Yeh, Wai Poh for the grandmother on the mother’s side. They establish themselves immediately so everybody present, from other branches of the family too, can straightaway see where they sit in the family network.’
‘Jade told me a story about that,’ Simone said. ‘When my mother’s parents first came to visit us in Hong Kong, I went up to my grandmother and “called” her — Poh Poh probably; I don’t remember it myself. I was used to “calling” everybody in my family, but it confused them. She just stood there and said “What?”’
‘And you were standing there waiting for the “good girl” response that kids always get when they “call” their grandparents,’ I said with amusement. ‘Culture shock both ways just in the first few words.’
‘So it’s actually a way of establishing links?’ Simone said. ‘I never thought of it that way. I thought of it — like you said — as the “pecking order” in the family.’ She grinned. ‘Human families have it easy. What about your sister’s son who’s a couple of hundred years older than you and also a tree? What do you call him?’
‘Jerk-off,’ I said quietly.
Simone nodded with mock solemnity. ‘Very well, Lady Emma, when I next “call” my nephew, I will greet him as “Jerk-off”.’
I stretched out on the cushioned seat. ‘You won’t have to; I’ll probably already have done it.’
The chair lurched again and I nearly slid off the silk cushions onto the floor. I coiled up again, tightening my grip on the silk. ‘Dammit, I hate these things!’
‘I’m not surprised Daddy bought the car,’ Simone said.
The sedan chair stopped suddenly and I landed on my back on the floor in an undignified heap. I raised my tail to give me the leverage to crawl back onto the cushion but it was too late. The curtains flipped open and there we were: Simone sitting like the princess she was, and me in a three-metre-long tangle at her feet.
The officials had dismounted and stood on either side of the door to escort us out. I flipped so that I was the right way up, shook my head, and slithered out of the chair and onto the pavers in front of the palace.
Yue Gui, Simone’s big sister, and Martin, her big brother, waited for us in the forecourt of the palace. They were dressed in Tang-style silk robes: Martin in black and silver; Yue Gui in pink and gold. They bowed and saluted us. Simone and I stood opposite them and bowed back.
‘Welcome, She Zheng Zhi, Gong Zhu, Regent and Princess,’ Yue Gui said.
‘We thank you, Gong Zhu and Wang Chu, Prince and Princess,’ I said.
‘Jie Jie, Ge Ge,’ Simone said, ‘calling’ her relatives.
‘Mei Mei,’ Yue Gui and Martin both responded with pleasure.
Simone’s shoulders slumped slightly. ‘Can we stop with the formal protocol BS now?’
Martin gave her a quick, friendly hug, then smiled down at her with his hands on her shoulders. ‘Yes, we’re done. Come inside and have some lunch.’
I held back. ‘Is Sang Shen here?’
‘No,’ Yue Gui said, amused by my dislike of her son. ‘He’s still under house arrest at home, serving his sentence.’
The four of us sat at the round, six-seater table with a couple of demon servants to attend us. We were in Martin’s apartments in the palace: a courtyard house attached to the rest of the complex by a breezeway. It was on the western side of the complex, towards the centre, next to the main apartment occupied by Xuan Wu when he was present. The informal dining room had a pleasant aspect over a small garden next to the high internal defensive wall for Xuan Wu’s residence.
‘I could provide you with a variety of different foods, Emma,’ Martin said. ‘It doesn’t have to be alive. Snakes eat dead food too. I’ve seen you eat waffles. Why don’t you just try it?’
‘Just give up, Ge Ge,’ Simone said, sounding bored.
‘My serpent form doesn’t need to eat,’ I said for the millionth time. ‘You should know this yourself, Martin, we reptiles …’ My voice trailed off.
‘Yes. We reptiles,’ Martin said, jumping on the point. He gestured towards Yue Gui. ‘We are all reptiles together. Even Simone has a reptilian form. Do not be ashamed of it! And by the Heavens, Emma, do me the honour of accepting my hospitality while you are in this form!’
‘Well, I don’t need to eat for days on end as serpent,’ I said. ‘The food I eat as a human keeps it satisfied. If I’m going to start eating as a snake, then I’ll try things at home and let you know.’
‘This should be your home,’ Yue Gui said. ‘When the Dark Lord returns, I’m sure it will be.’
‘Is it his home?’ I said.
They were silent at that.
I continued. ‘No, Wudangshan is his home. This is one of his offices. And for me it will be too. For you, this is home. Both of you. And you should be named as rulers together.’
‘That would interfere with the alignment of the Heavens and would not be accepted,’ Martin said stiffly. He relaxed. ‘Father will return, and he will retake his place on the throne of the Northern Heavens.’
‘Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take him to come back?’ Simone said.
Martin and Yue Gui shared a look.
‘You do!’ Simone said.
‘You know they aren’t allowed to tell us mortals the future, Simone,’ I said, miserable.
‘Actually, nobody knows,’ Martin said. ‘Father is too elemental, too powerful and too aligned with the forces of nature to be predicted. He is so much a part of the fabric of the universe that he cannot be seen in divination. It is like trying to predict the course of the Earth around the Sun — the Cosmos just says “It will happen, leave it alone.”’
