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He needed to get a hold of himself.
“Okay, this is not that bad,” she said, trying to rationalize a situation that was completely irrational. “We’re both disappointed, and upset. That’s all. This doesn’t mean anything. Right?”
Leave it to Katy to take the situation and blow it wide open.
“Right. We’re just upset.” He didn’t know if he actually believed it, but it seemed to be what she needed to hear. Why couldn’t she be one of those women who was content to pretend everything was fine. Like Becca. It had been like pulling teeth to get her to admit when there was a problem, or she was upset about something.
Of course, that had been no picnic, either. Was there no happy medium?
“We need to call the doctor’s office,” Katy said. “Find out what we should do.”
He was glad one of them was thinking clearly. Because the only clear thought he was having right now was how much he’d like to see her naked again.
They had opened a door, and he couldn’t help wondering if it was only a matter of time before someone stepped through.
* * *
She had kissed Adam. On the mouth.
One minute Katy had been racked with guilt that the procedure hadn’t worked, and the next she was practically crawling out of her skin, she was so hot for him. And thank God for Celia and her timing, or who knows what might have happened. The possibilities both horrified and intrigued her. Though Becca was gone, he would always be her brother-in-law. Her sister’s husband. To Katy and her parents, who would kill her if they had any clue what had just happened.
Sure, she’d hoped she and Adam could get to know each other, but she’d never meant in the biblical sense. Talk about going from one extreme to another.
Like her mom had so eloquently put it, he wasn’t like them. So whatever was causing these weird feelings was going to have to stop.
Despite the fact that they both seemed determined to forget it happened, their trip to the doctor’s office later that afternoon had been tense. But at least the appointment with Dr. Meyer had been encouraging. He assured her that she’d done nothing to cause the implantation to fail. He wrote her a prescription for hormone shots that she would begin taking a week before the next scheduled implantation. He explained that it could make her womb more hospitable and increase their chances for success.
She wasn’t sure what the shots were actually doing for her womb, but as she drove back to El Paso the morning of the second procedure, her emotions were in a hopeless tangle. What if things were completely awkward between her and Adam? He had emailed her a few times in the past week to check on her, but they hadn’t actually talked since her last visit.
Like last time, she drove straight to Adam’s house, then Reece took her in the limo to the clinic. She assumed Adam would already be waiting in the lobby, and she was so nervous about seeing him again her hands were trembling. But he wasn’t there yet. She waited in their usual spot by the elevator, wringing her hands. He sent her a text message a few minutes later that said he was running late, and to go on up without him.
What if he didn’t make it on time? Would they wait for him? The idea of doing this alone made her heart race.
She took the elevator up to the clinic. She checked in, hoping they would make her wait this time, but the nurse called her back right away. She took her time changing into a gown, her anxiety mounting, waiting for a reply saying that he’d arrived. But when the nurse took her to the procedure room, she had no choice but to leave her phone in her purse.
He wasn’t going to make it, she realized. Was he really held up at work, or avoiding her? Had that kiss done more damage than she’d realized? This was starting to become a familiar cycle for her. Get close to a man, let her guard down, then inevitably drive him away. What other conclusion could she draw, but that there was something seriously wrong with her? She was like a human deflector. Men got close, then bounced off the surface.
Most of her friends were already married and starting families. And here she was having a baby for someone else, because she was so unappealing, so unlovable no one wanted her.
The nurse got her situated on the table and ready for the transfer. She must have sensed Katy was upset because she put a hand on her shoulder and asked, “You okay, honey?”
Tears welled in her eyes. “I don’t think Adam is going to make it.”
“Mr. Blair is already here, in the waiting room.”
“He is?”
She nodded and smiled. “I was just about to go get him.”
She was so relieved, if she hadn’t been lying down, her knees probably would have given out.
The nurse slipped out into the hall, returning a minute later with Adam. She was so happy to see him she had to bite down hard on her lip to keep from bursting into tears, but they started leaking out of her eyes anyway.
Looking worried, Adam grabbed a chair and sat down beside her. “Katy, what’s the matter? Why are you crying?”
“I thought you weren’t coming,” she said, her voice wobbly.
“I told you I’d just be a few minutes late.”
She wiped her eyes. “I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“It’s probably the hormones you’ve been taking,” the nurse said, handing her a tissue. “It makes some women weepy.”
In that case she hoped it worked this time, so she didn’t have to take this emotional roller-coaster ride again. For someone who barely even suffered PMS, this was the pits.
“Is there anything I can do?” Adam asked, looking so adorably helpless, she could have hugged him. Or kissed him. He was sitting awfully close. If she just reached up and slipped a hand around his neck, pulled him down…
Ugh. Had she really just gone from weeping, to fantasizing about jumping him? As if things weren’t weird enough already.
She really was a basket case.
The door opened and Dr. Meyer came in, asking cheerfully, “Are we ready to make a baby?”
Katy nodded and held her hand out to Adam. He took it, cradling it between his, holding tight while the doctor did the transfer. Just like the last time it was quick, and mostly painless.
“You know the drill,” the nurse told them when it was over. “Two hours on your back.”
The nurse stepped out into the hall and it was just the two of them. Alone. Last time Adam had let go of her hand as soon as the procedure was finished, but not now. Maybe he didn’t think she was so terrible after all.
“I’m really sorry about earlier,” she said. “I never cry. Not even when I was thrown from a horse and busted my collarbone. But it seems as though every time I see you now I’m blubbering about something.”
“Katy, I understand.”
“I just don’t want you to think I’m a big baby.” Because that’s sure what she felt like.
“I don’t. The same thing happened to Becca when they were getting her ready to harvest the eggs. Then they found the cancer and, well, suffice it to say that didn’t help matters.”
It was hard to imagine Becca crying about anything. Even the cancer. She had always been so strong, so determined to beat it. Even near the end, when all hope was lost, she was tough. Around Katy and their parents anyway.
“Sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t miss her more,” she said. “That we drifted so far apart.”
“It happens, I guess.”
“It’s really sad. She was my sister for twenty-four years, but I don’t think she ever really knew me.”
That seemed to surprise him. “In what way?”
“She always thought that by staying on the ranch with our parents, I was settling—giving in—or something. She must have told me a million times that I was wasting my education. And my life. She said I should move to the city, try new things. Meet new people. And no matter how many times I told her that I loved working on the ranch, that it was what made me happy, she just didn’t seem to get it. If it wasn’t good enough for her, then it wasn’t good enough for anyone. It was so…infuriating.”
“What she thought shouldn’t have mattered.”
But it did. She had always looked up to Becca. She was beautiful and popular and sophisticated. Of course, she could also be self-centered and stubborn, too.
“I felt as though she never really saw me. The real me. To her I was always little Katy, young and naive. I think she expected me to be just like her. And not only did I not give a damn about being rich and sophisticated, I could never pine for a man the way she did for you. It’s like she was obsessed. Everything she did was to keep you happy. To keep you interested. It just seemed…exhausting.”
Adam frowned, and Katy felt a stab of guilt. What had possessed her to say something so insensitive?
“Oh, shoot. Adam, I’m sorry.” She squeezed his hand, wishing she could take the words back. “I didn’t mean to imply—”
“No, you’re right. She was like that. But for the life of me I could never understand why. She didn’t need to work to keep me interested. I loved her unconditionally. She was so independent and feisty.”
Katy smiled. “She was definitely feisty. Full of piss and vinegar, my grandma used to say.”
“She lost that. I don’t know why, but after we got married, she changed.”
“Maybe she loved you so much, she was afraid of losing you. Maybe she was worried that once you were married, you would get bored with her.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“When she met you, she seemed truly happy for the first time in her life. She was never happy at home. She never came out and said it, but we knew she was ashamed of where she came from. You’ll never know how much that hurt my parents.”
He surprised her by turning his hand and threading his fingers through hers. “I tried to get Becca to visit more. I told her I would make time. I had no family, so I knew how important it was. She just…” He shrugged helplessly.
That should have hurt, but mostly Katy just felt disappointed. Especially since Becca had led them to believe that it was Adam who never had time for them.
“It was like that with the fertility treatments, too,” he said. “They found the cancer, and wanted to do the surgery and start treatment immediately. She flat-out refused. She wanted to harvest her eggs. I begged her to reconsider, but she knew it was our last chance to have a child that was biologically ours. There was no reasoning with her. The doctors warned her that she had a particularly aggressive strain, but she wouldn’t budge.”
Becca had always led Katy and her parents to believe that Adam had been the one to make that decision, that he insisted they wait and harvest the eggs first, and they had believed her. Had it all been a lie, to shelter herself from her parents’ disapproval?
Why did she portray him to be so unreasonable and demanding?
“You want to hear the really ironic part of all this?” Adam said. “I don’t think she really even wanted kids.”
It was true Becca had never been much of a kid person. Katy had been a little surprised when she mentioned they were trying to get pregnant. But when it didn’t happen right away she’d been devastated. Because when Becca wanted something, she didn’t like to wait. After that, it was as if she was obsessed. “For a year that’s all she talked about,” she told Adam.
“Because she knew it was what I wanted.”
“Why wouldn’t she want kids?”
“I think…I think she was afraid that if we had a child, I might love it more than her. She wanted to be the center of my universe, and I think she believed that the baby would replace her.”
Was she really that insecure? She was smart and beautiful and talented with a husband who loved her. Why couldn’t she just be happy? Why did she have to make everything so complicated?
“I loved Becca,” Adam said, “but I don’t think I ever completely understood her. But that wasn’t her fault. I should have tried harder, made more of an effort. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”
It occurred to her suddenly that she and Adam were talking. Having an honest conversation. And she hadn’t even been trying. It just…happened.
She and Adam were from totally different worlds. So why, at that very moment, did he feel like an equal? Not a billionaire oil man, but just a man.
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