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But Kelly didn’t have time to lament; Buzz Malone didn’t have time to hurt. Not tonight. All that mattered now was getting her son back. They would deal with the fallout after he was found.
It didn’t matter that her ex-husband would never forgive her. That both their lives would be irrevocably changed. That the truth would tear their lives apart one more time. She’d decided in that first hour as she’d searched frantically for her little boy that she was willing to risk everything to find him. That included her own peace of mind and a future she’d been working toward since the breakup.
Vaguely, she heard Buzz curse. The roar in her ears turned into a loud hum. The lights dimmed. Her overloaded brain was simply going to short out. Her heart couldn’t possibly keep up this insane rhythm. She’d never fainted before, but she feared that in a second she was going to collapse in a broken heap and sink to the floor at his feet.
But she didn’t. Instead, she squared her shoulders, met that hard gaze with one of her own and said, “Eddie is your son. I’m sorry you had to find out like this. But I need you to help me find him. Right now.”
Buzz Malone had been struck by lightning once when he was fifteen years old. One minute he’d been standing on a rock ledge looking out over Pike National Forest during a summer storm. The next he’d been lying on the ground disoriented and confused, with second-degree burns on his arms and feet.
The doctors had said it was a miracle he’d lived.
Buzz wondered what the odds were of a man surviving such an ordeal twice in his lifetime, because he felt as if he’d just been struck again.
Her words rang in his ears like a thunderclap. Shocking. Dangerous. Damning. He wanted to deny them, give voice to the outrage boiling inside him. But for the first time ever, the power of speech failed him. He stared at the woman he’d spent three years loving more than life itself, the last few years trying desperately to get out of his system and the world rocked violently beneath his feet.
“What the hell are you talking about?” He asked the question, but Buzz had already done the math. If the child was four years old, there was no doubt of his parentage. Kelly might not have been able to live with Buzz, but she’d always been fiercely loyal. There hadn’t been anyone else. Not for Kelly. Certainly not for Buzz.
She looked down at her hands twisting in her lap, and bit her lower lip, the way she always did when she was upset or in trouble. Buzz figured the conversation they were having qualified for both of those things—and then some.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just…at the time, I couldn’t,” she said.
“Tell me what?” He knew damn good and well what she was about to say. But his brain refused to believe it. His mouth refused to say the words aloud. He didn’t want to hear it, but he knew more than anyone just how futile wishes could be.
How in the name of God could she have done such a thing?
“I wanted to tell you a thousand times,” she began. “But I didn’t think you’d want to know.”
Slowly, he turned to face her. “You kept my son from me.”
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“Hurt isn’t the right word.”
“Oh, I forgot,” she choked. “Buzz Malone doesn’t hurt like the rest of us mortals—”
“You stole four years of my son’s life from me. I’m too angry with you to hurt.”
“You made it clear, Buzz. You never wanted children. You didn’t want me.”
Uttering a nasty curse, he turned away from her and stared blindly into the kitchen, his heart ricocheting like a bullet in his chest.
“Don’t you dare turn away from me,” she said. “Not now.”
Clenching his jaws against the shock rocking his brain, he turned back to her. “You had no right to lie to me.”
“I didn’t lie.”
“Don’t play semantics. You lied by omission.”
“You made your choice when we were married. I simply made it easy for you to walk away.”
“You’re the one who did the walking.” But he was guilty, too, because he had merely stood there and watched and didn’t do a damn thing to stop her.
Tears shimmered in her eyes when she looked up at him. “I can’t talk about this right now. I can’t, Buzz. Please. I’m begging you. Just…for God’s sake, help me find him.”
The need to know everything—every detail about his son—was an ache in his chest, but he knew she was right. The backcountry at night was no place for a young boy.
“Okay,” he heard himself say. “Jesus. Okay. I’ll find him. Let me make some calls. Give me a minute to get dressed.” A moment to pull himself together.
Buzz knew her revelation was going to change his life, and he knew that ultimately it would hurt him in ways he could only imagine. In ways he’d never, ever wanted.
He felt the shakes descending. Tremors that started in his hands, then spread to his arms, his legs. Simultaneously, he felt the emotions snarling in his gut like a big cat rudely wakened from a deep sleep. Shock. Disbelief. A keen sense of betrayal that cut as jaggedly as any fang. The slow burn of fury spread through him like a flash and for a moment, he grappled for control.
Buzz didn’t have time to feel betrayed. He didn’t have time to acknowledge the fury burgeoning inside him. He didn’t have time to feel anything at all. A hundred questions jammed into his brain, but he shoved them back. He would dig the answers out of Kelly later. Right now, there was a young life at stake. A life he had every intention of saving.
“I want to see him,” he said.
She blinked at him. “What?”
“A picture.” She looked on the verge of shock, but he refused to feel compassion. He refused to feel anything at the moment or risk the emotions threatening to overwhelm him. “Do you have a picture?”
Bending her head, she opened her purse and rummaged frantically inside. An instant later, she produced a three-by-five-inch color photo. “This was taken a couple of months ago.”
Buzz stared at the photo, aware of the low roar of blood coursing through his veins, the hot zing of anger fusing with a throng of pain. He saw a little boy with freckles and dark-brown hair and an impish smile that was crooked and ended with a dimple in his left cheek. He saw innocence and tried not to think of all the terrible things that could happen to a child. In the mountains alone at night or in a world that could be merciless to the innocent.
Moved more than he wanted to be, a hell of a lot more than was wise, he looked away from the photo, then turned away from her so she couldn’t see the emotions he knew were plainly visible on his face. “I’ll want answers later,” he said. “You owe me an explanation.”
“I know I do. Just…after we find him.”
Without looking at her, he snatched up the phone. His fingers trembled as he punched in the numbers to Rocky Mountain Search and Rescue Headquarters.
Senior medic John Maitland picked up on the first ring.
Buzz identified himself, his voice sounding strangely calm. He could hear raucous laughter in the background. The blare of rock and roll. The familiarity of those things gave him a badly needed sense of control, and he held on to it with all his might. “This is a call out. Code Red. I want everyone in house geared up and standing by. I’m on my way. ETA ten minutes.”
“I’ll put out the call to the team.” John hesitated, as if sensing something wasn’t quite right. “What’s going on?”
“A lost boy up at White River. Four years old. I’m going to swing by on my way to the East Ranger Station.”
“White River? I heard the call on the radio. Isn’t that out of our jurisdiction? Boulder One SAR took it—”
“I don’t give a damn about jurisdiction,” Buzz snapped. “We’re on it. Just do it.”
Silence hissed for half a beat. “Yes sir.”
“I want the chopper standing by. A winch team. I want weather reports. Night-vision equipment. Get someone over to the ranger station with a terrain map. I want Jake Madigan and a dozen volunteers on horseback ready for a grid search. I don’t give a damn how many favors you’ve got to call in. Just get me some men. You got that?”
“Loud and clear.”
Buzz slammed down the phone, turned to face Kelly. She stared back, her face ashen. He saw the imprint of her teeth on her lower lip. For the first time he noticed the bruise forming beneath the cut on her temple. The blood had clotted, but the wound still needed to be cleaned and dressed. “You ought to get yourself checked out at the hospital. You could be concussed.”
“No.”
“I can drive you over to Lake County—”
“I’m not going to the hospital. I can’t leave knowing Eddie is out there all by himself. He’s probably scared and hungry and cold…oh, God!”
He stared at her, seeing clearly the terror in her eyes, the torture in her heart. He felt his own version of panic punch him in the chest hard enough to take his breath. “It’s only been four hours. We’ll find him. He’s going to be all right.” He didn’t know that for sure, but he wasn’t going to let his mind go in that direction. He picked up the phone. “I’ll call Chaffee County Sheriff’s Department and have them bring in dogs. You got something with his scent?”
She jerked her head. “The socks he wore yesterday are at the campground.”
“That’ll work.” Buzz made the call to Chaffee County, then dialed the Ranger Station at White River where a search was already under way and told them he would be there within the half hour.
“He’s only a little boy, Buzz. He’s sweet and smart and….” Rising abruptly, she turned away, put her face in her hands. “I can’t stand not knowing where he is. I’ve got to find him. I’ve got to go—”
“I need you to calm down and keep your head, Kel.”
“I’m trying. Dammit. I’m just…scared.”
“I know.”
She looked at him with ravaged eyes. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this, Buzz, but I didn’t know where else to go.” She put a trembling hand over her mouth. “I know we have a lot to work out. But right now I just want him back.”
Buzz barely heard the words over the pounding of his heart. He tried to comprehend everything he’d been told, but the meaning was too huge to absorb, too devastating.
After he finished the call, Buzz looked down at his hand clenching the phone, saw that it was shaking violently. He stared at his ex-wife. She’d always been a strong woman. She knew her mind and never failed to speak it. That was one of the things he’d always loved about her. Tonight, however, she looked as if that spirit had been crushed. Her coffee-brown eyes were wild with terror and ravaged by guilt. If she shook any more violently he figured he was going to have to pick her up off the floor. Because he didn’t want to have to do that, he rose and walked over to her, set his arms on her shoulders. “Sit down before you fall down. I’m going to get dressed. Pack some gear.”
“I don’t want to sit down. I can’t stay. I’m going back to the ranger station—”
“I’m going with you, damn it, and you’re going to wait for me.” He guided her toward the chair. “Sit down.”
“Don’t you have to go to headquarters to put your team out?”
“They’re standing by. You and I will make a stop at RMSAR on the way to the ranger station.” Noticing that her teeth were chattering, he scowled. He could feel tremors coming through her shoulders and into his hands. “Sit and pull yourself together. I’ll be ready to go in five minutes.”
She stared at him as if she was so at odds with the concept of sitting at a time like this that the sheer thought of it rendered her unable to do so.
“We’ll find him,” he promised, pushing her down into the chair.
Her shoulders felt frail beneath his hands. But Buzz knew she was anything but frail. She might weigh a hundred and ten pounds fully clothed and soaking wet, but her personality packed the punch of a linebacker. He’d been knocked senseless a time or two by that personality and had quickly learned size didn’t always matter.
“He hasn’t had dinner,” she said hoarsely.
“He got any supplies?”
“Snacks. Raisins and a peanut butter sandwich in his backpack. A few cookies. A little box of juice.”
“What else?” Plucking a flannel shirt off the back of a chair, Buzz jerked it on then stepped into his hiking boots.
“A flashlight. Bunky Bear, a little stuffed bear.”
“That’s good. Jacket?”
“Yeah, but it’s not waterproof.”
“It’s not going to rain. Another dry front.”
She jumped with a clap of thunder. “He’s afraid of storms.”
Buzz tried to think like the cop he’d once been, like the Search and Rescue professional that he was, but there were too many emotions banging around inside him to manage it. He definitely wasn’t thinking objectively. He couldn’t get a handle on this, could barely form a coherent thought, let alone come up with a plan.
Grabbing his jacket off the arm of the sofa, Buzz turned to get his bag of gear—and nearly ran into Kelly. He hadn’t seen her rise, and the sudden contact stunned him, sent another shock through his system. For an instant she was so close he could smell her. A combination of citrus and the out-of-doors and the mysterious scent of woman. The familiarity of it struck him like a blow. He knew better than to let her affect him. Not at a time like this when she was frightened, when his own world had just been turned upside down, and an innocent young life hung in the balance. But when he took a deep breath, her essence enveloped his brain and brought back memories he had absolutely no desire to think of now.
Steeling himself against the power of those memories, he turned away abruptly and headed for the door. His head was spinning. Not only because of the shock of learning he had a son or that his young son was in danger. But because even after almost five years of being away from his ex-wife, she still wielded the power to make him shake inside and outside and every place in between.
Chapter 2
The drive to Rocky Mountain Search and Rescue Headquarters was a tense, silent affair, and Buzz felt every second that ticked by like a death knell. He’d been in some tight spots back when he was a cop. He’d come to within an inch of losing his life five years ago when a sixteen-year-old with a Saturday-night special had come out of nowhere and put a bullet in his spine. But even during that horrible instant when he’d known he was seriously—perhaps even fatally—hurt, Buzz hadn’t been as scared as he was tonight.
The repercussions of Kelly’s news rocked him to his foundation. And even though Buzz had never wanted children, he knew he would do everything in his power to protect what was his and bring that little boy home.
Back when they were married, Kelly had wanted children. Boys or girls, it never mattered to her. Buzz had seen too much of the dark side of the world to want to bring an innocent child into it. His own childhood had been a nightmare of neglect and subtle psychological abuses. Buzz had survived, but he’d known at a very young age he would never have children. Four years as a detective in the Child Abuse Division of the Denver PD had solidified that decision. He’d made his position clear to Kelly in the three years they’d been married. It had always been a point of contention between them. Kelly would never agree, but Buzz believed his not wanting children was one of the main reasons their marriage had failed.
Lord have mercy, he hadn’t expected this to happen.
Rocky Mountain Search and Rescue Headquarters was lit up like a football stadium when Buzz turned into the driveway. Not bothering to park away from the building in his usual spot, he drove the SUV through the grass and brought it to a sliding stop ten feet from the front entrance. Kelly had her door open before the vehicle had even come to a complete stop.
He knew she was going through hell right now. As angry as he was with her, he would never wish that kind of pain on anyone. He’d never even met his son, yet the instant he’d known, Buzz had felt the connection. A link that was instinctive and primal and ran deep to a place inside him he’d never ventured to explore.
He reached the door first, shoved it open with both hands. The door swung wide with a bang. Aaron “Dispatch” Henderson sat at the communication station, manning the VHF radio. Buzz made eye contact with him, saw wariness enter the younger man’s gaze. Neither of them spoke as Buzz stalked past. He could only imagine how he must look. Back when he’d been a cop, his fellow officers had jokingly called him “scary” when he was angry or intent on a case. Tonight, Buzz bet he looked downright terrifying.
He walked briskly down the hall, his boots thudding solidly against the wood planks. He heard Kelly moving behind him, but he didn’t slow down. The light was on in the galley, and he knew that was where his men had congregated to wait. Working his coat off as he walked, he tossed it at the coat rack, heard it fall to the floor. He didn’t stop to pick it up.
He entered the galley and halted. Four sets of narrowed eyes swept from Buzz to the woman behind him and back to Buzz. He saw the questions in their expressions, but he had no intention of answering any of them. Not tonight. Not until they’d found his son.
Medic John Maitland stood at the front of the room, dressed in his bright orange flight suit. Next to him, Tony “Flyboy” Colorosa, also geared in his flight suit, was pinning a topographical map of White River National Forest on an easel. Jake Madigan and junior medic Pete Scully hovered over the map, but their heads were turned and they were looking at Buzz as if he’d just beamed down from another planet.
Vaguely, Buzz was aware that he was breathing heavily. That his shirt clung damply to his back. He wondered if he was the only one who could hear the jackhammer rhythm of his heart.
“Winch team and night vision are RTG,” John said, using the shorthand term for “ready to go.”
“Chopper is standing by,” Tony added.
Realizing he had yet to explain the situation, Buzz gave himself a quick mental shake and started toward the front of the room. “Take your seats,” he snapped.
The four men shuffled into their seats.
For the first time since he’d begun his career with RMSAR four years earlier, Buzz felt as if he wasn’t in control of the situation. He fought for objectivity, to attain the clarity of mind that had made him such a good cop, such a good team leader—but he knew it was a useless endeavor. When he raised his finger to the map, his hand shook.
