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“No, we can’t.” He used his OR hand-me-an-instrument voice. “We’re going to talk about it now. I don’t think that entire tirade was to do with me or what happened in the ER tonight.”
She pulled out the desk drawer and brought out her purse. “Look, Ryan, I’m too tired to hash this out tonight. I’d just like to go home.”
“We’re not going anywhere until you explain to me—”
“You can’t keep me here.”
“I can.” He moved so that he leaned against the door. “But I’d prefer not to.” Her luminous eyes pleaded with him and his heart caught. The part he’d thought had died with his father. Lucy was pulling him, kicking and screaming, back to life.
“Something is wrong. Don’t tell me you’re just upset about the boy because I won’t buy it. Even with your tender heart, you wouldn’t be this upset.”
“Not only a brain surgeon but a psychiatrist too. My, you must’ve been a genius in med school to be as young as you are and pull off two degrees.”
“Not a genius but I do pride myself on being perceptive. Or at least I used to be.” That had been until Alex Rodriguez had been brought in to take the department head position that Ryan had been so sure was his. “Anyway, we’re not talking about me.”
She pulled her coat and scarf off the back of her chair. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings but it needed to be said. Now, if you’ll excuse me...?” She stepped toward him as if hoping to intimidate him into letting her pass.
He shook his head. “Not until you explain.”
She dropped into a desk chair. He took the chair closest, propping his elbows on his knees and facing her.
“Sharing wasn’t outlined in the co-ordinated patient care manual. Can’t you just let it go?”
“You owe me an explanation for your attack.” That at least got a contrite look from her. Was he losing his mind? He didn’t confide in people and he didn’t get involved in another person’s personal life.
“You’re going to make me say it?”
He nodded.
“Miguel’s mother isn’t really his mother.”
“Miguel?” His brows dipped. He was completely lost.
“Your newest patient.” Her voice had a tone of impatience and a touch of disappointment.
He was catching up. What did Miguel have to do with her problem? “Oh, yes, Miguel Rivera.”
“His mother is really his aunt.”
She wasn’t usually this vague. His puzzled look must have indicated he had no idea of the significance of that statement.
“I carried a baby for my sister and her husband. I had in vitro fertilization,” she said quietly.
Being a surrogate for her sister had been Lucy’s ultimate pleasure. Handing over the baby she’d carried her greatest pain. In order to survive emotionally, she’d left. Emily was her sister’s baby, not her own. No matter how much her heart screamed differently.
She stood and said in a flat voice, “Now can I go?”
Ryan’s eyes widened. He blinked and shifted slightly, as if he was formulating his words carefully. “Of all the things I might have thought you’d say, that wasn’t one of them.”
To voice the words had been painful, but there was something freeing about having said them. She couldn’t believe she’d told Ryan of all people. He’d more than once proved he couldn’t connect on an emotional level. If she had been going to confess to someone, he wouldn’t have been her choice. She’d only shared her pain because he’d caught her in a weak moment and he’d insisted.
Still, being new to town and working long hours, he was the closest person to a friend she had. He was the only soul other than Mr. Volpentesta that she saw regularly. That thought was so sad she didn’t take time to analyze it for fear she would start crying. Here she was revealing her deepest pain to someone who hadn’t wanted her even taking up his time just a few days earlier.
Ryan stood. “I’ve heard of women being surrogates, but I’ve never known anyone that has done it.”
She’d obviously shocked him. For some reason she felt the need to make him understand. “My twin sister Alexis and her husband Sam tried to conceive for years. When Alexis asked me if I would carry their baby, I couldn’t turn her down. Didn’t want to...” The words trailed off. If I’d known...
His eyes widened as if he suddenly saw the picture clearly. “So when Miguel’s mother said she was really his aunt, it hit too close to home?”
She nodded. “It almost killed me to give Emily up.” She looked at her hands clasped around her purse.
“Emily?”
“My ba—uh...niece.”
He placed a large hand on her shoulder. The heat from him seeped into her, easing some of the ache. As if he’d realized what he was doing, he let his hand fall away.
“That must have been hard.”
Ryan sounded sincere but a little unsure. Her head spun. Was this the same doctor she’d had a heated confrontation with just an hour earlier about being compassionate? She’d never seen this side of him with the families. Maybe what happened tonight had knocked some of that crustiness off. She looked into his gorgeous blue eyes that compelled her to continue.
“My head said she didn’t belong to me, but my heart said differently. I made the fatal mistake of starting to think of her as mine.” She’d shared all she could. Her nerves were raw.
“You didn’t want to give her up.”
She couldn’t have been more surprised. He understood. “That’s why I took this job, to get away. Had to figure out how to get my life back. I’d like to go home now.”
He opened the door. “Put on your coat. I’m going to see you home.”
* * *
Ryan delayed until he was sure Lucy had made it safely inside her apartment. She’d insisted that he not walk up with her so instead he’d had the taxi wait until he saw her light come on.
He was on an emotional overload. If it had been a warmer day, he’d be sweating. He’d felt more and cared more than he’d wanted to in the last twelve hours. Taken a double shot. All of a sudden he’d been forced to support a family and had later become Lucy’s confessor.
He’d been more in touch with others’ emotions than he had been since his father’s death. His father’s debilitating disease had not only taken him but had slowly taken Ryan’s soul as well. He couldn’t let himself be pulled into that eddy again. He would be back to going round and round. If he didn’t feel, didn’t care, then it didn’t hurt. Supporting someone emotionally was beyond his ability any more.
Today he’d stepped too close to the edge. At Lucy’s pronouncement and the troubled look in her eyes, he’d almost gone over that edge. Only through fist-clenching control had he not taken Lucy in his arms.
They’d both stepped over the professional line today. After the emotional flood Lucy had experienced, would she be able to handle her job? She was supposed to be there to support and care for Miguel’s family. Could she maintain that openness that made her so effective?
Lucy was worming her way into his life so effortlessly that she would begin to expect something he couldn’t give to both her and his patients. She’d want everything and he had nothing. He had to step back a pace. Keep their relationship professional only. It was up to him to make it happen.
The problem came down to whether he had the strength to remain distant when he looked into those stunning jeweled blue eyes misted over with unhappiness.
* * *
Lucy hadn’t heard from Ryan over the weekend. She’d not really expected to but she’d hoped he would at least call and check on her. It had felt good to share her burden with him. Just talking about Emily had made it easier. There had been a time she couldn’t have uttered the words. Now at least she could think about Emily without crying. If Ryan hadn’t insisted she talk, she might still be stymied by the pain. It wasn’t gone but it had eased.
On Monday she didn’t see Ryan until evening rounds and there was no opportunity to talk to him outside of giving reports on the patients.
They were just finishing up when Ryan announced to the group, “Miguel Rivera’s surgery is scheduled for tomorrow first thing.”
“I helped walk the mother through the insurance process and found them a place to stay while Miguel’s in ICU,” Lucy reported.
Ryan gave her a curt nod that held none of his usual humor. It was as if they were strangers again who knew nothing about each other and never intended to. He laughed and joked with the other staff members but hadn’t even spoken to her directly. This was worse than his reaction to her on the day they’d met. She hadn’t expected them to be best friends but she hadn’t anticipated being thoroughly ignored either.
She didn’t make it a habit of confiding in anyone other than her sister, and now that was gone she had no one. It disturbed her that the single time she’d stepped out beyond her safety zone she’d been treated like she didn’t exist.
Maybe she should give him the benefit of the doubt. Was he worried about Miguel’s surgery? Ryan had already proved that he was the kind of guy that compartmentalized. Still, she’d come to expect a certain attitude from him and she missed his easy grin.
Miguel’s surgery was an all-day affair. Lucy came to the hospital early so that she’d be available if the family needed her. She had to work harder than usual to keep her emotions in check. Miguel reminded her so much of Emily that she had to call on her professional persona and do what she’d been trained to do. During the day, between seeing to her other cases, she checked in with the family. She happened to be sitting with them when Ryan came in after surgery to speak to the family.
The dark blue scrubs he wore brought out his vivid eyes. He hesitated a second when he saw her. He looked tired, the lines around his mouth a little more evident. After giving her a brief nod, he turned his focus on the mother and grandfather waiting anxiously to hear what he had to say.
“You will translate?” Ryan asked, again without looking at her.
“Yes.”
Ryan didn’t go down to the mother’s eye level, but instead stood away from her. She looked up at him from where she sat. Disappointment filled Lucy. She’d hoped that what had happened the other night would make a difference in his rapport with families.
“Miguel’s doing well. He came through surgery fine but it will not be an easy recovery. He’ll be in ICU for a few days. If all goes well he’ll go out to the children’s ward after that. The first few days we have to be very careful.”
“Thank you,” the mother gushed, jumping up to wrap her arms around his waist.
Ryan looked shocked but patted the woman’s shoulder. “You’re welcome.”
Lucy might have found it comical if it hadn’t been for Ryan ignoring her.
He pushed away from the woman, shook the man’s hand and left without a backward glance. Lucy understood this time wasn’t about her but she still couldn’t help the disappointment she felt that Ryan hadn’t said something to her.
She’d planned to stay late in order to go into ICU with Miguel’s family for the first time. The boy’s nurse spoke enough Spanish to answer simple questions, allowing Lucy to leave without worrying about the family being on their own. She followed behind the Riveras as they left the unit. Ryan was sitting behind the unit desk. He looked up briefly and met her gaze before his eyes returned to what he was doing. A prickle along her spine said that he had watched her walk out the doors.
Where was the guy she’d thought might be a friend? She’d had enough of the cold-shoulder treatment. She was going to find out.
* * *
Ryan had just finished rounds for the evening. He’d done them later than usual. His clinical staff always knew that it would be a late night after he’d had a big surgery and made plans accordingly. Today was one of those days. He’d had his clinical nurse notify Lucy.
She was waiting along with everyone else in the hall, looking efficient and fresh despite the late hour. It had been a long day for her also. She’d been there every step of the way with the Rivera family. Ryan had been impressed with how well she seemed to be holding up under what had to be a difficult situation for her. To his discontent, he’d found himself worrying about her. Wondering how she was doing. That was a road he didn’t want to travel.
When she’d visited ICU with the family he had been aware of every move she’d made. She’d looked tired, but every bit as committed to the family as he’d hoped she would be. A couple of times she’d looked in his direction with questioning eyes that had also held disappointment. It had been far more difficult not to engage with her than he’d anticipated. Still, he thought it was for the best.
He made every effort to make it through rounds as efficiently as possible. Lucy spoke to each of the families before she left the patient’s room. The families had smiles on their faces when the door closed behind him and his group. She’d turned out to be a real asset. Without a word, she turned toward her office with determined steps.
Having finished on the floor, he headed to his office for a quick wash up before checking on Miguel. There would be no going home for him tonight.
There was a knock on his office door. A nurse coming to get him this late at night wouldn’t be good news. “Come in,” he called.
Lucy stalked forward, stopping in front of his desk.
“There’s a problem?” By the determined look on her face there must be. He had a nagging idea he knew exactly what was bothering her.
“Yes, I’d like to discuss something with you.”
Discuss? Lucy didn’t look like she was in a discussing mood. He’d never heard her sound so forceful, even more so than she’d been a few nights earlier. She’d shared her heartache with him the other night. That had scared him. He didn’t want to know anything else. “Lucy, it’s been a long day and I’m not really up for some major discussion if it’ll wait.”
“It won’t,” she snapped.
Apparently she was on a mission. “Then you can have a seat while I finish cleaning up.”
“‘I’ll stand.” She pulled her sweater tighter around her chest.
“As you wish.”
Her lips tightened. What would it be like to kiss those full lips into a smile of pleasure? Make her forget why she was here? Hadn’t he promised himself that he wouldn’t allow those thoughts? What he needed to do was find some nurse and take her out on a date. Have a good time.
He’d managed to keep Lucy at a distance for the last couple of days but he still couldn’t get the sad look she had when she’d told him about Emily out of his mind. He even remembered the child’s name. He was already far too involved.
After toweling off, he rubbed a hand over his more than five o’clock shadow and decided to shave. Stalling all he could in the hope that Lucy would leave. Five minutes later he stepped out into his office again.
Lucy still remained rooted in the same spot she’d been in when he’d left her. Her brows were drawn together and her mouth had eased but remained in a thin line. She pulled the ever-present cardigan tighter around her and crossed her arms. Her look said she might boil over at any minute.
“So what’s the problem? I know this can’t be about Miguel. He was doing fine when I called to check on him a few minutes ago.”
“No, this is about us.”
“I wasn’t aware there was an ‘us’.”
Before that moment he couldn’t have imagined her standing any straighter or looking more out of sorts, but he’d underestimated her. The blue in her eyes went diamond sharp. If she’d had the capability, he was sure she would’ve sliced him up into small pieces. He moved behind his desk and faced her.
“There isn’t an us. Not the kind you’re insinuating.” Her southern drawl had lost its gentleness, taking on an edge that showed she had a strength she kept hidden. She took a deep breath that made him curl his fingers into fists to keep from touching her.
“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t appreciate the cold-shoulder treatment that you’ve been giving me the last couple of days. I shared something incredibly personal. Painful. At your request. Then you start acting like you don’t know me.”
There was no volcano in any part of the world that could’ve looked more furious and spat more sparks than the woman standing in front of him. But he couldn’t let that sway him. “So, because you told me your life story I’m supposed to be your best friend?”
* * *
Lucy jerked back as if she’d been physically slapped.
For the first time in her life she thought about striking another person in anger. She clenched her teeth. Hitting him was the least of what she’d like to do. Run him over with a car, set him on fire, pull his fingernails out with pliers. Ooh, the man!
She was through being the peacemaker, the one who bent over to make everyone happy. “Look, you egotistical, arrogant man, I don’t expect you to be my best friend but what I do expect is for you to be civil.
“The staff has noticed how you treat me. I’ve been asked what I did to make you mad. For some reason, not obvious to me, you’re well liked. Your attitude towards me makes my job more difficult because the staff assumes I have done something wrong. I’m the new kid on the block so they’ll side with you.” She stopped long enough to take a breath.
When he opened his mouth to speak she held up a hand, stalling him. “What I want—no, demand—is that you show me the professional respect that I deserve. I will never make the mistake of believing that I’m anything other than a colleague you are forced to work with. Until we are told differently, I will do my job in the most professional manner possible and I expect the same from you.”
