The Favours and Fortunes of Katie Castle

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‘Bonjour Claude,’ I said, none the wiser.

‘Deconstruction Malheurbe,’ hissed Milo.

Of course. What was it – five years ago? that fashion got hold of some wacky French ideas, and decided to make explicit the hitherto hidden fact that clothes are made, rather than whatever the alternative was supposed to be. It did this by showing seams and generally having things inside out or upside down. Malheurbe was behind it all with his book, The Hermeneutics of Cloth, the fashion world’s favourite unread book. The previously unknown philosophe was courted by couturiers, and was whisked from his provincial lycée to burn briefly as a media star. In those days he was much more beret and Gauloise, which was why I didn’t twig immediately.

His second book, Visceral Couture, which advocated wearing clothes on the inside of the body, as a way of exposing the last fallacy of ‘biologism’, that the internal organs escape the endless play of signification had, mysteriously, proved less popular than the first, and he disappeared from the fashion firmament.

There, you see. My three years in fashion college were not wasted.

‘What are you doing here, Milo?’

‘All rather secret. Really can’t tell you. It’s not as if you’re known for your discretion. I assume that’s why they call you flabby lips.’

Malheurbe sneered, or leered, or sleered, showing one brown tooth.

‘Fine. Really couldn’t care less anyway,’ I said. Milo knew I meant it, and panicked.

‘Oh, alright then, no need for the Gestapo treatment, I’ll tell you. You know how XXX [Milo mentioned here a terribly familiar chain, that I really cannot tell you the name of, however flabby my lips] are going down the pan? Well, I’ve been asked to help. I’m here to let it be known, subtly, that I’m working for them.’

‘But I thought Swank did their PR?’

‘Yes, they do.’

‘So what are you doing?’

‘Well, you see, I’m here to give the impression that I’m doing it.’

‘But you’re not doing it?

‘No.’

‘I don’t get it.’

‘Look. It’s quite simple. What kind of image have XXX got?’

‘Worthy, dull, cheap.’

‘Exactly. And what kind of image have Smack! PR got?’

‘Pretty cool, I suppose. Exclusive. Young. A bit druggy, a bit clubby.’

‘On the head, darling, thank you. So, you see, as soon as word gets around that XXX have signed up Smack!, the whole world, by which I mean the whole world that matters, our world, is going to think that they’re revamping their image, dragging in new, younger people, all that jazz. And you know what that means for City confidence and share prices.’

‘But you’re not actually doing their PR!’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because the kind of PR I’d do would scare off the grannies once and for all. This way, those in the know think XXX are cool, and the rest just carry on buying their knickers. Inspired really.’

‘Don’t Swank mind? It doesn’t make them look too good, does it?’

‘It was Swank’s idea.’

‘What’s in it for them?’

‘They get a load of industry kudos for thinking up the scheme and hiring me. There’s awards in that kind of work. It’s exactly the kind of thing PR pros love. One day PR shall talk only unto PR.’

So here was Milo, paid by a PR firm to pretend to be doing the PR for a company whose PR was really being done by the firm who paid Milo to pretend to do their PR. Unfortunately for XXX, as I found out later, Milo told everyone who’d listen, that he was only pretending to do their PR. This, of course, was good PR for him, but bad PR for XXX. I think.

By this point we’d queued for ice cream, and I’d shelled out a hundred francs for three tiny Häagen-Dazs – Milo’s meanness in small things was legendary, an understandable, if unattractive relic of his days of penury. We went to eat them in a bleak little garden, enclosed on all sides by glass walls and staring Japanese midget-women.

I was a little unsettled by Penny’s success with Milo, and so I threw him a couple of examples of Penny’s comical linguistic misunderstandings and consequent confusion, mainly concerning the admittedly rather bemusing system of signs in the building. Milo liked to squirrel away the Penny stories I gave him which he could then, in other contexts, attach to whichever designer he felt the need to bitch about.

At the mention of ‘linguistic’, however, and even more so, ‘signs’, Claude hurriedly swallowed the last of his ice cream (omitting, however, to wipe away a chocolatey smear from his upper lip) and started to speak, his eyes fixed on a point somewhere in the air above my head, as if he were addressing a lecture theatre.

‘Ah yes, I can here explain for you your mother [MOTHER!], and her fear of the sign.’

He drew out the word ‘sigheeeeeen’ in a vaguely fetishistic way.

‘It is not just here. The whole world is now a text, a written text: everywhere there are words.’

Although I tried to listen out of politeness, Malheurbe’s voice soon took on the quality of birdsong: not unmelodious, but basically just noise. Occasionally it would float back into focus:

‘We are unconsciously, passively enmeshed in writing, in decoding and decrypting.’

Only to fade out again. Quickly bored, I looked over his shoulder and saw Penny re-emerge from her grappa with Signor Solbiati. From her excessively regal gait it looked as if it may have been some grappi (or whatever the plural is) rather than a grappa. And with that ability that people have for seeing you when you least want to be seen, she spotted our little group, waved and advanced towards us.

‘For pre-literate societies this natural impulse to comprehend the environment takes the form of a deeper engagement with the natural world. So, every physical feature has a meaning, every rock, every tree, every animal spoor, a significance, a narrative, a myth.’

Before Penny could get to the glass corridor she had to negotiate a huge art installation. There was a new one every season, and this time it was a monstrous construction called L’esprit de Tissu, consisting of a wigwam-shaped chrome frame draped with millions of tatty lengths of yarn.

‘With civilisation man loses the ability to read nature.’

Rather than walk around the obstruction (which, to be fair, would have taken a good five minutes) Penny opted, in a very Penny way, to go through it.

‘It was only with the arrival of the Romantics and the invention of the sublime, that nature could again be comprehended, albeit as something “incomprehensible”.’

I suppose the side she was facing may well have looked, to her grappa-fuddled mind, not unlike an easily-navigated bead curtain, and the installation had a certain airiness that invited an internal exploration. With barely a pause Penny thrust her way into the interior.

‘You see, when you call nature “sublime” you have substituted a single, although admittedly complex, signifier for the multiplicity of meanings that primitive man saw in nature.’

I could see Penny’s outline through the gauzy curtains of yarn. She’d become disoriented inside the wigwam and was feeling her way along the various internal planes and angles.

‘And then even the sublime goes away – who other than I now talks of the sublime? – and all we have is the simple good thing the new “nature”, which is completely benign, that thing which people with no style, no elan, walk through on a Sunday afternoon, with his ugly wife with his ugly children and his ugly dog. I’m sorry, but I hate these peoples.’

As her efforts to fight her way out became increasingly frantic I noticed with alarm that the wigwam itself began to wobble. I was not the only one: nervous officials were moving towards the L’esprit de Tissu; among them were a couple of gendarmes visibly excited by the possibility of being able to shoot an art terrorist in the act of desecrating a national monument.

‘But as the natural world has become lost to language, so our social world, and the built environment, has become, as I said, all writing. And so what happens when a person finds himself in a country where he does not speak the language (this has never, of course, happened to me: I speak all the languages)?’

The gendarmes and PV flunkies reached the wigwam but seemed reluctant to break in, despite the now precarious state of the structure which was being vigorously shaken by the one-woman earthquake within: who, after all, could know how heavily armed the terrorist might be? A fair crowd had gathered: sober-suited sales executives and flamboyant fashion junkies united in their lust for blood, and the faint but not forlorn hope that L’esprit de Tissu might implode.

‘For example your mother? I’ll tell you. She is again in the position of the civilised person who cannot read nature and so feels again the giddy fear, the vertigo, terror, loss, panic. I think you will find this explains your mother.

Now we go for sex please, yes?’

With the mention of sex I tore my attention away from the engrossing spectacle beyond. I looked around. Milo had disappeared, the serpent. He’d probably been looking for the chance to dump the philosopher on somebody all day.

‘Sex?’ I said a little more loudly than I intended, resulting in a couple of turned heads. I had been caught off guard, but Parisian propositions were hardly novel, and I had a coping strategy to hand. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ‘I’m a little busy right now. Why don’t I meet you tonight?’

I named a café in Montmartre, a place to which I’d never been, nor had any intention of ever going. It’s my standard way of dealing with that sort of pass. It always works. And when you don’t turn up, they either think something poetic and tragic might have happened to you and hold you in a special place in their hearts all their lives, or they curse you for ten minutes and then forget all about it.

Penny burst forth from the wigwam. Her hair, which had been tightly and precisely coiled into a chignon had broken free, and hung raggedly across her face, with a stray clump pointing to ten o’clock. Somehow her neat knee-length skirt had revolved a hundred and eighty degrees, and the split pointed accusingly at her navel. The audience broke into spontaneous applause, and hissed the gendarmes as they laid rough hands upon her.

‘Write down, please,’ demanded Malheurbe. I scribbled something on the piece of paper he shoved at me, and he scuttled off, clearly thinking that what was said about English girls was all true. The spell was broken, and I ran towards Penny. By the time I reached the crowd I saw that I had been beaten to it. Milo, in perfect, mellifluous French, was gently soothing the gendarmes and flirting with the PV officials. Penny looked upon her saviour with eyes of Magdalenic devotion, and would, I’m sure, have washed his feet, dried them with her hair, and anointed them with fragrant oils, had the necessary equipment and sufficient privacy been available.

And that’s about it really, incident wise. No charges were made against Penny and she fortunately missed the satirical endpiece on the French early evening news. The next day was like the one before, except with more cloth, less philosophy, and a dramatic reduction in Penny-centred art installation-oriented mishaps. On Saturday morning we flicked off the safety catch and gave Paris another burst of semi-automatic shopping, and then it was Eurostar and home. And yes, I thought lots more about Liam. And yes, the idea of sleeping with him, just once, or maybe twice, if it was nice, had grown in my mind, nurtured by boredom, and Penny’s haphazard malice. But no, at that stage, constancy, faithfulness, devotion, and love had the better, just, of abandonment, concupiscence (my favourite word since ‘A’ levels, O dishy Mr Carapace, dreamy stand-in teacher of English, and inciter of teenage lust!) and revenge.