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“You said all the right things at the Halloween party about starting over, finding someone new.”
“But?” Katie heard the question in her friend’s voice.
“You’ve been through a lot in the last couple of months.” Her friend gave a quick squeeze and let go. “Maybe you’re not as done with Jake as you think.”
Oh, she was done. Over and out with an ease that didn’t surprise her.
No, it was another man who was haunting her every waking hour now.
Keeping her feelings for Nolan under control used to be easy. Dating often and a variety of men helped. When things got serious with Jake, she’d believed her infatuation with a certain Murphy brother was in the past.
Then...yeah, and then.
This time around, it was going to take her a bit longer to bury her desire for someone she could never have, but she would do it.
She had to.
Goodness knows she had enough practice at it.
She needed to think about the future. Her future. It was time to look ahead, not behind.
“I’m okay.” Her smile relaxed now. “Better than okay when it comes to the past.”
“What do you mean?”
Katie shook her head, not sure how to answer her friend. Or where the soft warm glow now blooming deep inside her came from. “I don’t know, exactly, but it’s time.”
“Time for what? You’re talking in riddles.”
Glad when Peggy got asked to help with something in the kitchen, Katie stayed behind, arranging more gifts.
Precious booties that fit in the palm of her hand. Practical burp cloths. Beautiful handmade quilts and blankets. Onesies in all colors and styles, bottles, baby bath gear.
Everything a new life needed.
Not to mention the unconditional love between a parent and a child.
Fay, already a wonderful mother to A.J., was so excited about having another baby. And Laurie had had tears in her eyes while struggling to find the words to describe the first time she felt the baby inside her move.
Neither woman had met their child yet, but they were forever connected with another human being. Someone to love, cherish and protect with every fiber of a mother’s soul.
Had her own mother ever felt that way about her?
It was a question Katie asked herself often over the years.
If she had, how could she have left a three-year-old in an empty church on a snowy winter day and walked away?
Something Katie would never have done.
She would have found a way to keep her child with her, to keep her family together. Beg, borrow or steal, but she would never separate herself from a life she created.
Being abandoned had created a void deep inside her that remained to this day.
It was time to change that.
Time to change everything.
Laying a hand over her belly, she tried to imagine what it would feel like to know a life was growing inside her. A life that would forever be connected with hers. A family of her own.
Right then and there, Katie made a decision.
She was going to get pregnant. She was going to have a baby.
Chapter Four (#ue028b547-d14a-5621-9229-cf54a7da48a2)
Boy, when the dream of having a baby in an unconventional way collided with the medical requirements, it was a hard smack to the wallet—and the heart.
Katie sat at her desk, eating lunch while studying the website for a well-known fertility clinic in Denver.
She’d fantasized about what it would be like to be pregnant for a few days after the baby shower. When she caught herself coming up with names and picturing the second bedroom in her apartment as a nursery, she’d started her research.
Now she was sorting through the details of sperm donation, ovarian schedules, intrauterine insemination vs. in vitro fertilization, treatment costs and single mother support groups.
It was all so fascinating. And a bit scary. Scratch that. It was a whole lot of scary.
After she’d started reading, the times she’d had pregnancy scares in the past came to mind. Once in high school, again in college and after dating a seasonal cowboy from one of the local ranches a few years ago.
Was that a lot? She’d been dating since she was thirteen and had been reckless in her youth.
Each time her cycle had been late, pure panic set in. She hadn’t been ready for a baby. Emotionally, physically or financially.
That was then—this was now.
She was good. Fine. Better than fine.
Flipping through her calendar, she worked to create a history of her monthly cycles for the previous year. Boy, the crazy turns in her life over the last six months had thrown off her system. She’d never started on the same day twice.
Still, considering her need for chocolate and her less than pleasant mood, that day was fast approaching.
She clicked on the link to the sperm donor database, amazed at the details. Boxes to choose things like height, weight, hair, eye color and ethnicity didn’t surprise her. The ability to search for favorite music, hobbies, family traits, religion and even astrological sign did.
Goodness, she’d know more about the baby’s father than she did about herself.
So much of her own personal history was a blank page.
She had no idea what her life had been like before the age of three.
Her red hair and fair skin spoke of an Irish heritage, but she hadn’t any clue if that was correct. If so, did those traits come from her mother or father or both? What about siblings? Did she have any?
There were fleeting memories of being with other children before she’d been in the foster care system. Boys. Brothers, maybe? But the recall was so vague, she’d eventually decided it was only wishful thinking.
What bothered her the most was she didn’t have a way to find the answers.
Being abandoned wasn’t the same as being put up for adoption.
There was no paperwork. Only a scrawled note, most of the words unreadable except for her first name, birthday and the last line begging for the little girl to be taken care of.
Katie blinked away the sting in her eyes, her fingers reflexively curling around the necklace she often wore.
A piece of costume jewelry, a silver cross with multicolored stones, on a long chain reaching to the center of her chest. She hadn’t even known it existed until she asked about her file when she was eighteen.
The necklace was the only physical item, along with the note, that connected her to her past. A line in the folder stated she’d been wearing it when she was found asleep in a church pew in Boise.
Had it been her mother’s? A family heirloom, perhaps?
She’d taken it to a jeweler in college, but his snobbish attitude about the inexpensive stones had hurt. She’d then tossed the thing in an old box for the longest time, but when she found it a few years ago, she embraced the connection to her past.
As little as it was.
Shaking off her pensive mood before she dissolved into a puddle of tears, she focused on the list on the website. So, what qualities did she want from her child’s father?
Tall. At least six feet. She liked tall men. Big shoulders, an athletic body. Brown hair, brown eyes. Intelligence was a given. A strong sense of family—
“Katie, I hate to bother you during your break, but I need—” The scent of Nolan’s cologne drifted past her as he bent closer. “What the hell is that?”
His incredulous tone came at her from behind. She quickly minimized the internet browser window with a click.
She swung her chair around, putting her back to the monitor, but Nolan was so close her knees brushed his pant legs. He was standing up straight, his six-pack abs at eye level.
Not that she could see through the hunter green sweater he wore, but she remembered. Oh, yes, the feel and taste of his smooth, taut skin and defined muscles—
She blinked hard, tore her gaze from his stomach and looked up. “Wh-what are you doing here?”
Oh, boy, did that sound as breathless as she thought?
“I work here.”
Not for the last two days. He’d been holed up in his home office. Again. This was the closest she’d been to him since...well, since that night. “So do I. I’m on my lunch break.”
“So I gathered.” His arm brushed her shoulder as he leaned forward again, grabbed the computer mouse and clicked. “And checking off boxes for...what is this? What you want in a man? Is this a dating website?”
Katie spun again. Ignoring the familiar pine and woodsy scent of his cologne and the heat of his skin, she took the mouse from his grasp and closed the program completely. “Not exactly.”
“Then exactly what was...” Nolan’s voice trailed off as he walked to the front of her desk, shock spreading across his features. “Wait, the banner read...sperm bank? You’re looking to—to have a— Really?”
She squared her shoulders, pushed back her chair and stood, thankful for her four-inch heels that had her eye to eye with him. “Yes, really. And the word is a baby. Now, you needed something?”
“What—when did you decide this?”
“That’s none of your business.” That wasn’t entirely true. The man was her boss. One of them. A pregnancy would affect her work at some point. “Not at the moment, anyway,” she amended. “It’s something I’ve been thinking about...for a while.”
“Since when? Before Halloween?”
“Yes, I’ve always wanted—well, no, maybe not—” Katie broke away from his sharp gaze.
She glanced at the open double glass doors separating her office from the rest. Thankfully no one else seemed to be around.
Still, she grabbed files from her desk and headed for the cabinet in the far corner. “Why are you asking?”
“Is that what you were doing? That night? At the Blue Creek?”
“What?” She clutched the paperwork to her chest and spun back around, the pain of his assumption choking her. “You think I was trolling for a baby daddy?”
Nolan had followed and stood inches away, his brown eyes filled with confusion.
And more questions.
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His lips then pressed together hard, the muscle along his jaw tightening.
“That was a stupid thing to say,” he finally conceded.
“Oh, no. Unprotected sex with a stranger is a genius move. Not to mention knowing absolutely nothing about the man and worrying he might want someday to have a say in raising the child. An excellent plan, Nolan. Why didn’t I think of it?”
“Katie, I’m sorry—”
“My plans have nothing to do with what happened...between us.” She cut him off, her anger splintering, fueling a slow burn deep inside her. “Besides, we were careful. Every time. Or don’t you remember?”
The heat in his gaze told her he did. Just as she did. In vivid detail most nights in her dreams.
She also remembered their agreement not to talk about that night.
She scooted past him and headed for the supply closet. “You’ve got nothing to worry about. Everything’s fine.”
“I’m not...worried.” He stayed with her. “And I am sorry. That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever said.”
“Amazingly, I agree with you.”
“But you need to think about what you’re doing. Being a parent is the hardest job there is, and to do it alone? Voluntarily? That’s crazy.”
Pushing open the door, she turned on the lights, making a mental note to get brighter bulbs in the walk-in closet, now lined with shelves on three sides for everything from printer paper to cleaning supplies.
She set the files on a nearby shelf, forgetting she’d had them in her hands. “As a lifelong maker of crazy decisions, I can tell you this is the sanest one I’ve made in a long time.”
“Katie, you don’t have any idea what you are getting into.”
“Neither do most when they decide to become parents. And a lot of women—people—are having children this way.”
She turned around in the tight space and there he was again. His tall frame blocked the faint glow from the overhead light. The memory of him standing this way, but dressed in costume, flashed in her mind. That same tilt of his head. The same intense scrutiny in his eyes.
