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As if in answer, he heard dishes rattling in the kitchen. He went in.
Katie Kay wore the same jeans, but they’d been washed. Her battered T-shirt had been replaced by a black sweater. It brought out the gold in her hair, which she pulled back with clips that must have belonged to Olivia. One was topped by a red dog and the other a blue cat that was the exact same shade as Katie Kay’s eyes. She had only socks on, and he wondered if her shoes had been ruined in the rain.
“Oh, it’s you,” she said as she closed the cupboard door.
“Hello to you, too.” He put his straw hat on the island and undid his stained work coat. “Sean is taking the family out for supper. A treat for the kinder.”
“Gemma said he might.” Her voice was as unemotional as his. “She told me there are leftovers in the fridge and to help myself. Do you want something before you go?”
“I want to talk to you.”
Her eyes narrowed with suspicion. He’d known he couldn’t fool her with casual conversation. “What about?”
“You.”
“I don’t want to hear how disappointed you are in me or how you believe I should go to my family’s house.” She reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a plastic container with a bright green top. “You’ve made yourself clear on that.”
“Gut, then we can talk about something else. Do you want to talk about you being pregnant?”
Color washed from her face, and the container fell out of her fingers to bounce on the kitchen floor. She grabbed the edge of the counter as he picked up the plastic box and set it beside his hat. Red sauce was leaking out. He pulled a section of paper towel off the roll by the sink and stuck it under the container. He wanted to give her a chance to find her voice, so it wouldn’t feel like he was interrogating her.
“You know about that?” she asked.
“This morning, Gemma told me what she suspected. She’s worried about you.”
“About you, you mean.” She crossed her arms in front of herself in a protective pose.
“You know Sean and Gemma are my friends. Of course they’re concerned about me, but she’s worried about you, too. She’s that way.”
Katie Kay’s shoulders lost their rigid stance. “You’re right. She cares a lot, though I’m a stranger.”
“You’re someone who needs help. That’s all she and Sean have to know. They’re usually among the first to help anyone in the community, whether the person is plain or Englisch.” He gave her a wry half smile. “She told me this morning because she wanted me to help you, too.”
“This morning, I didn’t know for sure.” As fast as her face had bleached, it reddened.
“But you used the pregnancy test and found out you are.”
“Do you know all my secrets?” she cried, flinging her hands in the air and storming past him. “I thought I could trust Gemma to keep her mouth zipped.”
For a moment, she acted as if she intended to stamp out of the kitchen, and he was prepared to give chase because they couldn’t postpone this conversation, especially since a boppli had been added to the mix. When she turned and faced him, he hid his surprise. In the past, Katie Kay had run away from whatever bothered her. Tonight, she held her ground. Another sign she’d changed.
But for the better or the worse?
“Gemma didn’t say anything,” he assured her. “I could tell by how worried she looked.” He looked her steadily in the eyes. “I am concerned, too.”
“I don’t need you worrying about me. I got myself into this situation. I’ll deal with it myself.”
“How?” he fired back, his frustration escaping.
She froze at his sharp question, and, for one moment, it was as if she were a balloon and his words a pin cutting into her. She deflated, and he crossed the room and took her arm before her knees folded beneath her. By the time she tried to pull it away, he’d sat her at the table.
He leaned one hand beside her and caught her gaze again. He was awed by the intensity of the pain and fear in her eyes, but he saw her resolve, too. As he watched, a quiet strength submerged the despair.
“How?” he asked. “How are you going to deal with this by yourself, Katie Kay?”
* * *
That was the question, Katie Kay admitted. Trust Micah to get to the heart of the matter. Her daed admired his frankness, which Micah had inherited from his own daed. It was a gut question, and she wished she had an answer. She and Gemma had talked most of the day when they weren’t entertaining the kinder. DJ went to kindergarten in the morning, and the numbness left by the results of the pregnancy test had started to wear off for Katie Kay by the time the youngster got home.
“Your family will want to help you,” Micah said.
Raising her eyes to his deeper blue ones, she could see he believed what he said. Most likely, he was right, but if she went home, everyone would expect her to fit into the constraints of an Amish woman’s life. Gemma Donnelly had shown her Englischers could be as giving and compassionate as a plain person. Katie Kay had started doubting that when she went to live with Austin and his friends after her nearby Englisch friend’s parents made it obvious she’d worn out her welcome. They’d been fine with her visiting, but they had Amish friends they hadn’t wanted to upset by letting her stay longer.
“It’s not that, Micah.”
“Then what is it?”
How could she explain to a man who’d already been baptized and joined the Amish community? Micah always had an eye on the future, making plans for what he hoped to do. Her daed had mentioned it to her, probably in hopes of convincing her to do the same. But taking such an irrevocable step meant turning away from the wider world.
She wasn’t like Micah. She wasn’t focused on what could happen tomorrow. She wanted to savor today and the exciting things it might contain. What if she did get baptized and there were amazing things in the Englisch world she never had a chance to experience? She didn’t want to miss out.
Austin and his friends had a word for it. FOMO. Fear of missing out. It described her feelings, but, when she looked at Micah’s handsome face—and he’d gotten better-looking in the past year—she doubted he’d understand. Somehow, he’d found a way to strike a balance between the plain and Englisch worlds. She was still trying to find her way.
“I have to think of the boppli,” she said, selecting the easiest excuse she could devise. “When I see this family, I know I want that for him or her.”
“The boppli’s daed—”
“Isn’t it pretty obvious he doesn’t want anything to do with either of us?” She hated the bitterness in her voice, but how could she have misjudged Austin so completely?
“I’m sorry, Katie Kay.”
His sympathy almost undid her. She wasn’t going to cry again. Austin wasn’t worth her tears. If she’d seen that right from the beginning, instead of thinking he was much cooler than the guys she’d grown up with because he had a car and an apartment, she wouldn’t be in the situation she was in. She couldn’t change the past, but it was time to stand up for herself.
“Danki.” She gave him the best smile she could manage.
“What can I do to help?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do. Gemma has invited me to stay as long as I need to.”
“I didn’t realize that.” His tone made it clear he wasn’t happy with his business partner’s wife making the offer.
“You didn’t think she’d toss me out, too, did you?”
“No. I know Gemma too well.”
“But you don’t want me to take advantage of your friends, ain’t so?” The Amish phrase fell from her lips as easily as if she’d never been away.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.” She stood. “Your opinion is splashed all over your face. Micah, I don’t need your help. There’s nothing you can do to help me.”
“I can marry you.”
Katie Kay stared at him in disbelief. He couldn’t have said what she thought he’d said. Not after what she’d done, both in Paradise Springs and after she left. He knew too many of her faults, and if he’d ever cared about her, she’d squashed any hint of love by telling him to get out of her life.
He must have forgiven her, because he was trying to help her. But that, she knew, was the Amish way. Forgive others for their mistakes and move ahead as if the transgression had never happened. She’d never managed to make it work herself, though she’d tried over and over.
When she didn’t reply, Micah folded his arms over his chest and looked at her with a glacial expression she found impossible to decipher. “You should know one thing before you answer, Katie Kay. I didn’t offer to marry you because of feelings I have for you.”
“Y-y-you d-d-didn’t?” she sputtered, shocked.
“No.” He picked up his hat from the counter. “I offered because I admire your daed, and I don’t want to see him and Mamm hurt.”
“What does Wanda have to do with this?” She considered Micah’s mamm a bit of a buttinsky—a word she’d learned from Austin’s friends—and an inveterate matchmaker.
He stared at her, and emotion returned to his face. It was disbelief. “You really don’t know?”
“Know what?”
“Your daed and my mamm are getting married next month.”
Katie Kay sat again, so hard the chair rocked. She tried to wrap her mind around the idea Daed was marrying Wanda Stoltzfus. They’d been gut friends for years. Wanda often sent a snitz pie home with Daed when he went to the Stoltzfus farm for one reason or another. Apparently he’d really had only a single reason for going to visit. He’d been courting Micah’s mamm.
“I can’t believe it,” she whispered.
“They decided after you left. Reuben has been praying you’d return for the ceremony, so all his kinder will be there.”
She looked at her flat abdomen. “I’m not sure he’ll want me there.”
“If you apologize to him and are married—”
“I’m not marrying you, Micah Stoltzfus! Didn’t I make that clear last year?”
“You did.” He put on his straw hat and buttoned his coat. “And don’t worry. I won’t bother you by asking you again. You’ve made yourself clear tonight. Guten owed, Katie Kay.” Without another word, he walked out of the kitchen. Seconds later, she heard the front door open and close.
She didn’t move as the sound of buggy wheels rolling after a horse faded into the night. She’d handled it wrong. She should have thanked Micah for his offer before she turned him down. He’d been candid when he told her that he was asking her to protect their parents from pain.
Maybe you should have considered his offer. He might not have feelings for you, but you have plenty for him.
“Shut up!” She jumped to her feet and ran into the living room. Turning on the television, she kept pushing the volume button on the remote until the sound of voices and laughter were so loud her ears hurt. But it was useless. Nothing drowned out the truth. She may have lost her best ally as she faced the future alone.
Chapter Four (#u135a0d1f-fcee-5c34-82a2-c6423cd3dccf)
Slowly Katie Kay sank to sit on the Donnellys’ front-porch step. She’d come outside after the family had returned home. She didn’t want to ruin their excitement after their fun evening out, and she was too distressed to try to pretend she was all right.
The chilly evening wind was overwhelmed by the cold sinking deep within her as Micah’s words replayed through her mind. Daed was getting remarried? Why hadn’t someone told her? She wasn’t under the bann. She hadn’t been baptized yet, something she’d avoided discussing each time her daed had brought up the subject, so leaving wasn’t a reason to shun her. Why hadn’t one of her sisters let her know about this astonishing event?
Maybe because she hadn’t written to any of them after she left Paradise Springs and moved to Lancaster. They wouldn’t have known how to reach her.
She hid her face in her hands. While she’d been gone, it’d been easy to convince herself nothing would change here. Wasn’t that one of the reasons she’d gone? Because everything stayed the same day after day while the outside, Englisch world buzzed by at warp speed?
But she was back. If she was in Paradise Springs when the wedding was held, should she attend? Her hand slipped over her abdomen. It was flat. With the right dress, she shouldn’t have to reveal the truth in a month. She could go and see her friends and enjoy a bit of flirting and...
Those days were over. She’d put an end to them when she left Paradise Springs and sought the brighter lights and faster pace of Lancaster City.
And Micah knew the truth. He wouldn’t spread it, but it would be only a matter of time before someone else discovered she hadn’t come home alone.
Again she wanted to ask God why He had arranged for Micah to be the person whose path crossed hers. Was she being punished for being headstrong and curious about the Englischers? Hadn’t Daed taught that their Heavenly Father forgave each of them as He asked them to forgive each other?
The cold air finally drove her inside. She was relieved to discover the family had gone to bed, but loneliness riveted her. Nobody told her their plans, which was a painful reminder that she wasn’t part of this family or any other.
Tears stung her eyes. She kept them from falling as she turned off the light in the living room before creeping up the stairs. Refusing to look in the mirror over the sink, she got ready for bed. She tiptoed into Olivia’s room. The little girl was asleep, her slow, deep breaths loud in the silent room.
Katie Kay crawled into her borrowed bed. The sheets were cool, but the drops running down her cheeks seared her skin. Pressing her face to the pillow, she gave up the battle to hold in her grief.
She was alone. She and the boppli.
God is with you always. How many times had she heard that? But why would God offer her comfort when she’d turned away from the life He’d given her?
Once released, her grief and fear refused to be contained. The cotton beneath her cheek grew damp, then wet, and still her tears fell as she mourned for everything that had gone wrong in her life.
A gentle breath brushed her face in the moment before Olivia whispered, “No sad, Kay-Kay.” Her tiny hand patted Katie Kay’s arm. “No cry, Kay-Kay. Please.”
Katie Kay was startled. She hadn’t heard the little girl get up. Olivia must have been woken by her sobs. Another mistake to add to her long list.
Rolling over to face the kind, Katie Kay whispered, “Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?”
“You sad. Wanna hug? A hug makes it better.” She held up her short arms.
Suddenly Katie Kay couldn’t imagine anything she wanted more than comfort from one small kind. Olivia’s solace was offered with no strings attached other than her heartstrings, which had been touched by Katie Kay’s weeping.
Katie Kay swung her legs over the side of the bed. Picking up the little girl, she set Olivia beside her. Holding out her own arms, she gathered the kind close. The aroma of Olivia’s flowery shampoo swirled through her senses as she welcomed the hug.
“Danki,” she murmured into the kind’s silken red hair.
“That means ‘thank you,’ doesn’t it?” Olivia stared at her. “You talk like Uncle Micah.”
“I do...sometimes.”
“Will you teach me to talk like you?”
“If your mamm—your mother—says it’s okay.” She brushed her tears aside as a smile edged along her lips. Spending time with the inquisitive little girl would help her to stop thinking about her troubles...she hoped.
“Mamm. Mommy. Mamm. Mom.” Olivia giggled and then clamped her pudgy hands over her mouth. Whispering again, she said, “Sounds the same.”
“The words do, don’t they?” She lifted the kind off the bed. “You should get back to bed.”
“Mommy sleeps with me when I’ve gots a bad dream. I stay with you.”
