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“If we can’t speak honestly now, I can’t imagine when we could.”
“Then I will honestly say I don’t understand why you’d ask me to m-m-marry you.” She hated how she stumbled over the simple word.
No, it wasn’t simple. There was nothing simple about Joshua Stoltzfus appearing at her door to ask her to become his wife. As he’d assured her, he wasn’t ab in kopp. In fact, Joshua—up until today—had been the sanest man she’d ever met.
“Because we could help each other. Isn’t that what a husband and wife are? Helpmeets?” He cleared his throat. “I would rather marry a woman I know and respect as a friend. We’ve both married once for love, and we’ve both lost the ones we love. Is it wrong to be more practical this time?”
Every inch of her wanted to shout, “Ja!” But his words made sense.
She had married Lloyd because she’d been infatuated with him and the idea of being his wife, so much so that she had convinced herself while they were courting to ignore how rough and demanding he had been with her when she’d caught the odor of beer on his breath. She’d accepted his excuses and his reassurances it wouldn’t happen again...even when it had. She’d been blinded by love. How much better would it be to marry with her eyes wide open? No surprises and a husband whom she counted among her friends.
A pulse of excitement rushed up through her. She could escape, at last, from this farm, which had become a prison of pain and grief and second-guessing herself while she spun lies to protect the very person who had hurt her. She’d be a fool not to agree immediately.
Once she would have asked for time to pray about her decision, but she’d stopped reaching out to God when He hadn’t delivered her from Lloyd’s abuse. She believed in Him, and she trusted God to take care of the great issues of the world. Those kept Him so busy He didn’t have time for small problems like hers.
“All right,” she said. “I will marry you.”
“Really?” He appeared shocked, as if he hadn’t thought she’d agree quickly.
“Ja.” She didn’t add anything more, because there wasn’t anything more to say. They would be wed, for better and for worse. And she was sure the worse couldn’t be as bad as her marriage to Lloyd.
Chapter Three (#ulink_02eb5567-7629-549a-a961-f5d411de1e8e)
Rebekah straightened her son’s shirt. Even though Sammy was almost three, she continued to make his shirts with snaps at the bottom like a boppli’s gown. They kept his shirt from popping out the back of his pants and flapping behind him.
“It’s time to go downstairs,” she said to him as she glanced at her mamm, who sat on the bed in the room that once had been Rebekah and Lloyd’s. “Grossmammi can’t wait to have you sit with her.”
“Sit with Mamm.” His lower lip stuck out in a pout.
“But I have cookies.” Almina Mast smiled at her grandson. She was a tiny woman, and her hair was the same white as her kapp. With a kind heart and a generous spirit, she and her husband Uriah had hoped for more kinder, but Rebekah had been their only one. The love they had heaped on her now was offered to Sammy.
“Cookies? Ja, ja!” He danced about to his tuneless song.
Mamm put a finger to her lips. “Quiet boys get cookies.”
Sammy stilled, and Rebekah almost smiled at his antics. If she’d smiled, it would have been the first time since Joshua had asked her to marry three weeks ago. Since then the time had sped past like the landscape outside the window when she rode in an Englischer’s van last week while they’d gone to Lancaster to get their marriage license. Otherwise she hadn’t seen him. She understood he was busy repairing equipment damaged during last year’s harvest.
“Blessings on you, Rebekah.” Mamm kissed her cheek. “May God bless you and bring you even more happiness with your second husband than he did with your first.”
Rebekah stiffened. Did Mamm know the truth of how Lloyd had treated her? No, Mamm simply was wishing her a happy marriage.
A shiver ached along her stiff shoulders. Nobody knew what had happened in the house she’d shared with Lloyd. And she had no idea what life was like in Joshua Stoltzfus’s home. His wife had always been cheerful when they’d been together, but so had Rebekah. Joshua showed affection for his wife and his kinder...as Lloyd had when he was sober.
She’d chosen the wrong man to marry once. What if she was making the same mistake? How well did she know Joshua Stoltzfus? At least she and Lloyd had courted for a while. She was walking into this marriage blind. Actually she was entering into it with her eyes wide open. She was familiar with the dark side of what Lloyd had called love. His true love had been for beer. She would watch closely and be prepared if Joshua began to drink. She would leave and return to her farm.
When Mamm left with Sammy, Rebekah kneaded her hands together. She was getting remarried. If tongues wagged because Lloyd hadn’t been dead for a year, she hadn’t heard it. She guessed most of the Leit here and in Paradise Springs thought she’d been smart to accept the proposal from a man willing to raise her two kinder along with his own.
The door opened again, and Leah Beiler and Joshua’s sister Esther came in. They were serving as her attendants.
“What a lovely bride!” Leah gushed, and Rebekah wondered if Leah was thinking about when the day would come for her marriage to Joshua’s younger brother Ezra. Leah was preparing to become a church member, and that was an important step toward marriage. Even though nothing had been announced and wouldn’t be until the engagement was published two weeks before the marriage, it was generally suspected that the couple, who’d been separated for ten years, planned to wed in the fall.
Esther brushed invisible dust off the royal blue sleeve of Rebekah’s dress. For this one day, Rebekah would be forgiven for not wearing black as she should for a year of mourning.
“Ja,” Esther said as she moved to stand behind Rebekah. “It makes your eyes look an even prettier blue. Let us help you with your apron.”
Every bride wore a white apron to match her kapp on her wedding day. She shouldn’t have worn it again until she was buried with it, but Rebekah was putting it on for a second time today. Pulling it over her head, she slipped her arms through and let the sheer fabric settle on her dress.
“Oh.” Esther chuckled. “There may be a problem.”
Rebekah looked down and realized her wedding apron was stretched tightly across her belly. Looking over her shoulder at the other two women who were focused on the tabs that closed it with straight pins at the back, she asked, “Are they long enough?”
“I think so.” Leah muttered something under her breath, then said, “There. They’re pinned.”
“Will it hold? It will be humiliating if one of the pins popped when I kneel.”
“We’ll pray they will stay in place.” Esther chuckled. “If one goes flying, it’ll make for a memorable wedding service.”
Leah laughed, too. “I’m going to make my apron tabs extra long on my aprons from now on.”
Rebekah couldn’t manage more than a weak smile. “That’s a gut idea.”
The door opened and Joshua’s daughter, Deborah, peeked in. “The ministers and the bishop have come in. Are you ready to go down?”
“Ja,” Rebekah replied, though she wanted to climb out the window and run as far away as she could. What had she been thinking when she’d told Joshua yes? She was marrying a man whom she didn’t love, a man who needed someone to watch his kinder and keep his house. She should have stopped this before it started. Now it was too late for second thoughts, but she was having second thoughts and third and fourth ones.
As she followed the others down the stairs to the room where the service was to be held, she tried not to think of the girl she’d been the last time she’d made this journey. It was impossible. She’d been optimistic and naive and in love as she’d walked on air to marry Lloyd Burkholder.
A longing to pray filled her, but she hadn’t reached out to God in more than a year. She didn’t know how to start now.
As she entered the room where more than two hundred guests stood, her gaze riveted on Joshua who waited among the men on the far side of the room. The sight of him dressed in his very best clothing and flanked by his two sons made the whole of this irrevocably real.
It has to be better than being married to Lloyd, she reminded herself. She and Sammy and her boppli wouldn’t have to hide in an outbuilding as they had on nights when Lloyd had gone on a drunken rampage. She’d seen Joshua with his late wife, and he’d been an attentive husband. When Lloyd had teased him about doing a woman’s work after Joshua brought extra lemonade out to the porch for them to enjoy, Joshua had laughed away his words.
But he doesn’t love you. This is little more than a business arrangement.
She hoped none of her thoughts were visible as she affixed a smile in place and went with Leah and Esther to the bench facing the men’s. As they sat so the service could begin, Sammy waved to her from where he perched next to Mamm. She smiled at him, a sincere smile this time. She was doing this for him. There was no price too high to give him a safe home.
Squaring her shoulders, she prepared herself to speak the words that would tie her life to Joshua Stoltzfus’s for the rest of their lives.
* * *
Joshua put a hand on his younger son’s shoulder. Levi always had a tough time sitting still, but the boy wiggled more every second as the long service went on. Usually Levi sat with the unmarried men and boys, where his squirming wasn’t a problem. Maybe Joshua shouldn’t have asked him to be one of his Newehockers, but Levi would have been hurt if Timothy had been asked and he hadn’t.
He smiled his approval at Levi when the boy stopped shifting around on the bench. He meant to look at Reuben Lapp, their bishop who was preaching about the usual wedding service verses from the seventh chapter of the Book of Corinthians. His gaze went to Rebekah, who sat with her head slightly bowed.
Her red hair seemed to catch fire in the sunshine. A faint smile tipped the corners of her mouth, and he thought of how her eyes sparkled when she laughed. Were they bright with silver sparks now?
He’d almost forgotten how to breathe when he’d seen her walk into the room. This beautiful woman would be his wife. Even though tomorrow she would return to wearing black for the rest of her year of mourning for Lloyd, the rich blue of her dress beneath her white apron banished the darkness of her grief from her face. He felt blessed that she’d agreed to become his wife.
Joshua shook that thought out of his head. He was no lovesick young man who had won the heart of the girl he’d dreamed of marrying. Instead of letting his mind wander away on such thoughts, he should be listening to Reuben.
At the end of the sermon, the bishop said, “As we are gathered here to witness this marriage, it would seem there can’t be any objections to it.”
Beside Joshua, his oldest mumbled, “As if that would do any gut.”
Joshua glanced at Timothy. His son hadn’t voiced any protests about the marriage plans in the weeks since Joshua had told his kinder Rebekah was to be his wife. Why now?
“Let the two who wish to marry come forward,” Reuben said, saving Joshua from having to point out that Timothy could have raised his concerns earlier.
Or was his son taking the opportunity to be unpleasant, as he’d often been since he’d turned sixteen? Now was not the time to try to figure that out. Now was the time to do what was right for his kinder and Rebekah’s while he fulfilled his promise to his best friend.
Joshua stood and watched as Rebekah did the same a bit more slowly. When he held out his hand to her, she took it. Relief rushed through him because he’d been unsure if she would. He should say something to her, but what? Danki? That wasn’t what a bridegroom said to his future wife as they prepared to exchange vows.
He led her to Reuben, who smiled warmly at them. Joshua released Rebekah’s hand and felt strangely alone. Of the more than two hundred people in the room, she was the only one who knew the truth of why they were getting married. He was glad they’d been honest with each other when he’d asked her to marry. Now there would be no misunderstandings between them, and they should be able to have a comfortable life.
Is that what you want? A comfortable life?
His conscience had been nagging him more as their wedding day drew closer. Every way he examined their arrangement, it seemed to be the best choice for them.
As long as you don’t add love into the equation, or do you think you don’t deserve love?
Ridiculous question. He’d had the love of his life with his first wife. No man should expect to have such a gift a second time.
“Is everything all right?” Reuben asked quietly.
Realizing the battle within him must have altered his expression, Joshua nodded. “Better than all right.” He didn’t look at Rebekah. If her face showed she was having second thoughts, too, he wasn’t sure he could go through with the marriage. No matter how much they needed each other’s help.
“Gut.” Raising his voice to be heard throughout the room, the bishop asked, “My brother, do you take our sister to be your wife until such hour as when death parts you? Do you believe this is the Lord’s will, and your prayers and faith have brought you to each other?”
“Ja.”
Reuben looked at Rebekah and asked her the same, and Joshua felt her quiver. Or was he the one shaking? When she replied ja, he released the breath he’d been holding.
The bishop led them through their vows, and they promised to be loyal and stand beside each other no matter what challenges they faced. Rebekah’s voice became steadier with each response. After Reuben placed her right hand in Joshua’s right hand and blessed them, he declared them man and wife.
The simple words struck Joshua as hard as if a half-finished buggy had collapsed on him. Wife. Rebekah Burkholder was his wife. He was no longer a widower. He was a married man with four kinder and another on the way. The bonds that connected him to Matilda had been supplanted by the ones he had just made with Rebekah.
But I will love you always, Tildie.
He glanced guiltily at his new wife and saw her own face had grown so pale that her freckles stood out like chocolate chips in a cookie. Was she thinking the same thing about Lloyd?
It might not be an auspicious beginning for their marriage that their first thoughts after saying their vows were focused on the loves they had lost.
* * *
Rebekah stifled a yawn as the family buggy slowed to a stop in front of a simple house that was larger than the one she’d shared with Lloyd. The trip from Bird-in-Hand had taken almost a half hour, and Sammy had fallen asleep on her lap. He’d spent the day running around with the other youngsters. She had planned to have him sleep in his own bed tonight until Joshua asked her to return with him to his house. She’d hesitated, because a thunderstorm was brewing to the west. Even when he’d told her, with a wink, that it was his way of getting her away from the cleanup work at the end of their wedding day, she had hesitated. She’d agreed after Mamm had reminded her that a gut wife heeded her husband’s wishes.
Joshua’s three kinder sat behind them, and when she looked back she saw the two younger ones had fallen asleep, too. Timothy sat with his arms folded over his chest, and he was scowling. That seemed to be his favorite expression.
A flash caught her eye. Through the trees to the left glowed the bright lights she knew came from the house where the Englischers lived. She’d always had plain neighbors, and she hadn’t thought about how the darkness at day’s end would be disturbed by the glare of electric lights.
“The Grangers are gut neighbors,” Joshua said as if she’d spoken her thoughts aloud. “That’s their back porch light. They don’t turn it on unless they’re going to be out after dark, and they’re considerate enough to turn it off when they get home. Brad put up a motion-detector light, but it kept lighting when an animal triggered it. Because it woke us, he went back to a regular light.”
“They sound like nice people.”
“Very. We have been blessed to have them as neighbors. Our kinder played together years ago, but now their older ones are off to college and only Alexis is at home.”
“Are we going to sit here yakking all night?” asked Timothy. “It’s stifling back here!”
Rebekah stiffened at his disrespectful tone, then she reminded herself they were tired.
Joshua jumped down before coming around to her side. “I’ll carry him in.” He held out his arms for Sammy.
She placed her precious kind in his arms, grateful for Joshua’s thoughtfulness. She’d been on her feet too long today, and she’d become accustomed to taking a nap when Sammy did. As she stepped down, she didn’t try to stifle her yawn.
“Let’s get you inside,” he said. “Then I’ll take care of the horse.”
“I’ll put Benny away, Daed.” Timothy bounced out and climbed on to the front seat after his brother and sister got out.
“Danki, but I expect you to come directly into the house when you’re done.”
“But, Daed, my friends—”
“Will see you on Saturday night as they always do.”
Muttering something, Timothy drove the buggy toward the barn.
Joshua watched until the vehicle was swallowed by the building’s shadow. Rebekah stood beside him, unsure if she should follow Deborah and Levi, who carried the bag she’d brought with a change of clothing for her and Sammy, into the house or remain by the man who was now her husband.
Husband! How long would it take her to get accustomed to the fact that she’d married Joshua? She was now Rebekah Mast Burkholder...Stoltzfus. Even connecting herself to him in her thoughts seemed impossible. She could have called a halt to the wedding plans right up until they’d exchanged vows. Reuben had given her that chance when he’d asked if everything was all right. Joshua had replied swiftly. Had he thought she might jilt him at the last minute?
“I’m sorry,” Joshua said, jerking her away from her unsettling thoughts.
“For what?”
“I’d hoped Timothy would want to spend time with his family this one day at least.” He looked down at Sammy. “He used to be as sweet as this little one.”
Rebekah didn’t know what to say. She started to put her hand on his arm to offer silent consolation. After pulling it back before she touched him, she locked her fingers in front of her. The easy camaraderie she’d felt for him was gone. Everything, even ordinary contact between friends, had changed with a few words. Nothing was casual any longer. Any word, any motion, any glance had taken on a deeper meaning.
Feeling as if she’d already disappointed him because she had said nothing, she followed him into the light green kitchen. Joshua turned on the propane floor lamp while Levi lit a kerosene lantern in the center of the table.
Again Rebekah was speechless, but this time with shock. Every flat surface, including the stove and the top of the refrigerator, was covered with stacks of dirty dishes. What looked to be a laundry basket was so full that the clothes had fallen into jumbled heaps around it. She couldn’t tell if the clothes were clean or dirty.
“Daedi cooked our breakfast,” Deborah said in a loud whisper beneath the hiss of the propane.
Joshua had the decency to look embarrassed as he set Sammy on the floor. Her son had woken as they’d stepped inside. “I meant to clean the house before you arrived, Rebekah, but I had a rush job yesterday, and then we had to get over to your house early today and...” He leaned one hand on the table, then yanked it away with a grimace.
Going to the sink beneath a large window, Rebekah dampened a dishrag. She took it to Joshua and as he wiped his hand off said, “You asked me to come back here tonight because you didn’t want me to have to straighten up at my house after such a long day. And then you brought me here to this?” She burst into laughter. Maybe it was fueled by exhaustion and the stress of pretending to be a happy bride. The whole situation was so ludicrous that if she didn’t laugh, she’d start weeping.
