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‘April,’ she replied as she took a closer look at her new companion. That day, Tara was wearing a vintage print tea dress with a pale yellow, round-necked cardigan. Her dark eyeliner flicks accentuated eyes that scrutinised April’s features.
‘I don’t normally do the deliveries,’ Tara said, ‘but I had to be on this side of the water anyway. I’m on my way to Clatterbridge Hospital next. I go back every year.’ She left a pause before adding, ‘My husband died there eight years ago today.’
‘That’s lovely,’ April said. She blinked. ‘Sorry, I mean, that’s awful, but it’s nice that you go back.’ Her cheeks flushed. She was usually on the receiving end of such a clumsy response and it felt odd to have the situation reversed. She hadn’t been prepared to meet another widow so much like herself. ‘You must have been quite young when you lost him.’
‘Twenty-eight.’
‘I was twenty-nine,’ replied April.
‘I know,’ Tara said. ‘I spoke to your friend Sara and she mentioned why you might be upset.’
‘Then maybe you could explain it to me,’ April said, and for the first time she felt like she was talking to someone who might actually know why she felt the way she did. ‘I’m happy for Sara, and it’s not like Jason and I ever lost a child or suffered a miscarriage. We weren’t even trying for a baby.’
‘And now you’ll never get the chance,’ Tara replied. ‘While everyone else is working out their future paths, the ground in front of you has fallen away and you’re balancing on the edge of a precipice.’
‘I am,’ April said with a nod that threatened to spill the tears welling in her eyes. ‘I woke up one morning and everything I thought I had was gone. Jason died in his sleep. A subarachnoid haemorrhage. There was no warning. Nothing.’
April could remember how she had stretched out her arms when she awoke that morning. Her hand had touched something cold and even the memory made her recoil. She had no idea how long she had been lying next to Jason like that, but it would have been hours and there was no doubting he was dead. Her first reaction had been to scramble backwards off the bed, and she had landed hard on the floor. Unable, or unwilling to process what was happening, she had started to scream. Luckily they lived in a flat, and one of her neighbours had heard her.
Staring into the distance, April was back on her bedroom floor. A part of her had never left.
‘It will get easier,’ Tara assured her. ‘The grief might stay with you for ever but the shock each time you remember your loss will become less intense, or else you’ll simply get used to that stabbing pain in the centre of your heart.’
‘It really is a physical pain, isn’t it?’
‘Oh, yes.’
‘How did you get through it?’
‘With a lot of help from a close network of family and friends. My daughter Molly was only two at the time, and Mike and I ran a business together, so there was no choice but to keep going.’
‘Gosh, that must have been hard. I don’t know how I’d cope if I had a baby to look after as well,’ April admitted, which only confused her emotions about the dreaded baby shower.
‘You seem to have a good group of friends around you too,’ Tara told her.
‘They must be sick and tired of walking around on eggshells. I don’t know how I feel from one minute to the next, and if I can’t predict how I’ll react, how can they? I know I’m being irrational half the time.’
‘Talking helps.’
April shook her head. ‘I don’t have any siblings, and I can’t offload on my parents, or worse still, Jason’s. I keep telling myself I should open up to friends, but Jason and I had known each other since school and we worked for the same council. His mates were mine, and vice versa. I can’t talk to them. It’s too painful. It’s too complicated.’
‘If you’re interested, I run a support group called the Widows’ Club. We were a bit short-sighted when we came up with the name because quite a few of our members these days are men, but we were all widowed under the age of fifty. We meet once a month to share things that would probably sound crazy to anyone else. We cry, we vent, and occasionally we have a laugh too.’
April bit her lip. ‘I don’t know,’ she said, edging away. ‘I should be getting back to work.’
Tara chuckled to herself. ‘I know how this must look, but I promise, I’m not some recruiter for a weird cult. Here,’ she said, pulling a business card from her pocket. ‘My mobile number’s on the back, or you can look up the group online. Have a think about it and if you’re interested, come over to my shop and we’ll have a proper chat.’
The embossed card with cursive script was for Tee’s Cakes and above Tara’s phone number was her address. ‘You’re in Hale Village? I live in Eastham.’
‘Then we’re practically neighbours,’ Tara said, dismissing the fact that the Mersey flowed between the two villages. ‘If you can get there, you’d be very welcome.’
Meeting another young widow had felt fated and, despite April’s reservations, she had visited Tara’s shop the following week where she found herself being inducted into the group. Tara’s offer of friendship had proven difficult to resist and she didn’t look in the least bit surprised when her newest recruit arrived at the village hall for her first meeting.
‘I knew you’d come,’ she said, giving April’s arm a squeeze.
‘I didn’t,’ April replied, stunned that she had made it this far.
There followed a blur of introductions that left April dizzy. After months of isolation, she was now one of many. Someone made her a coffee and another offered her a carefully crafted cupcake, presumably from Tee’s Cakes, but a combination of nerves and dread churned April’s insides. She was lucky to make it past the pleasantries without throwing up.
When it was time and they all took their seats in the circle, April didn’t know if she would talk, or what she might say if she did find her voice. With dark, unspeakable thoughts swirling inside her head, she stared into the depths of her half-empty mug until she became aware of the room falling silent. She looked up, and it was Tara’s face she saw first. She was sitting opposite to keep April in her line of sight, while the group’s other administrator, Justine, sat on April’s right. She was the one who had greeted April outside the hall.
Justine was around the same age as Tara, although her style was far more conservative. She wore a tailored dress and her sleek blonde ponytail swished as she bent down to take a clipboard from her tote bag. Tara had described her as the organised half of their partnership, and April was beginning to see why.
‘Shall we get started?’ Justine asked.
‘Sure,’ Tara replied. ‘Welcome back everyone. I’d like to start by introducing not one but two new members to the Widows’ Club. For those who haven’t had a chance to say hello yet, we have April sitting on Justine’s right, and on her left is Nick.’
There was a ripple of greetings and nods directed at the newbies, but April latched on to Nick’s smile. Wearing a suit and clean-shaven, he was in his late thirties and had spoken with a soft Liverpool accent when they had been introduced earlier. She had been too dazed at the time to pick up that she wasn’t the only curiosity in the room, but now that she knew, she felt drawn to him. They all had stories, and like the rest of the group, she wanted to hear his.
‘On behalf of all of us,’ Tara said, ‘I’m so sorry that you find yourself needing this group, but we’re in this together. Please contribute as much or as little as makes you comfortable. No one is here to judge.’
‘No Faith tonight?’ asked one of the men.
‘She’s passed on her apologies, but I’m sure our new members will have the pleasure of her company at the next meeting,’ explained Tara. ‘Right then, who wants to contribute first?’
As the conversation began to flow, April took time to familiarise herself with the faces that turned occasionally in her direction. The women outnumbered the men, but their ages were more evenly spread. There was at least one woman who looked younger than April, and a couple of members in their late forties, giving the group an age range that spanned more than a quarter of a century.
April tried her best to memorise names and keep a mental note of their individual circumstances, but it was difficult to keep track when her thoughts kept tugging her back to why she was there and how much she should share. What she did manage to glean was that some members had endured watching their loved ones’ health decline whilst others had suffered the shock of losing their partners in the blink of an eye. Some had children, others did not. They were all different, and yet whenever someone raised a gripe about a world that didn’t understand them, there were nods of agreement around the room.
‘I told myself I should get out more,’ a woman was saying. She glanced over at April and Nick to catch their eye. ‘I’m Jodie, by the way. My husband went out to play five-a-side one night and never came home. Heart attack. He died right there on the pitch two and a half years ago. He was twenty-seven.’ Jodie pursed her lips and there was a spark of anger, or was it disbelief behind her eyes? April had felt both.
‘I’m sorry,’ April replied, her first contribution to the group beyond a couple of indecipherable mumbles. Nick had been quiet too, listening intently as he pulled at the starched cuffs of his pristine white shirt.
‘So, where was I?’ Jodie asked with forced cheeriness, only to find she couldn’t continue. She tipped back her head and blinked hard for a second or two before straightening up. ‘You’d think I’d be able to control these flipping tears by now. Can you believe I went a whole week without crying last month? Honestly, I’m so sorry.’
‘You don’t have to apologise, not here,’ Tara reminded her.
‘I know, but sometimes it would be nice to say what I want to say without breaking down. It’s not like it was something sad, not really. All I wanted to share was that I bit the bullet and went out clubbing with my mates the other week,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t looking to meet anyone, but all my friends are in couples and they’re desperate to hook me up with someone new. They spent the entire night striking meerkat poses to check out potential candidates.’
‘Did you mind?’ asked Justine.
‘Not really, or not at first. I know they just want to see me happy again.’
‘Only you can know when the time’s right,’ Steve said. He had introduced himself earlier, explaining how he’d nursed his wife through treatment for ovarian cancer. It hadn’t worked, the disease had been detected too late because a thirty-four-year-old mother of two presenting with symptoms couldn’t possibly have cancer. ‘You shouldn’t feel pressurised, Jode. It could be they’re only interested in pairing you up because they’re worried you’ll sink your claws into one of their husbands. The last time I went to what had been one of our regular couples’ nights, the men were ridiculously possessive of their wives. Probably explains why I wasn’t invited back.’
Blood rushed to April’s cheeks as she thought about her inner circle of friends. They had all rallied around her after Jason died, but April had slowly distanced herself. It was too painful to go out without Jason and, like Steve, she had detected a growing awkwardness too. She didn’t think her friends saw her as any sort of competition, but it did happen, didn’t it? People formed inappropriate attachments to their friends’ partners all the time, and you didn’t have to be widowed for it to happen.
Jodie rolled her eyes. ‘Seriously, Steve, I’m not a threat, and my mates know it. The idea of being with anyone else still feels like cheating on Ryan, and I couldn’t do that to him – especially with one of our friends.’
April took a breath. This was it. This was why she was here. She needed to delve deeper into Jodie’s theory about what friends would and wouldn’t do – what Jason would or wouldn’t do. Finally, she could tell a group of strangers what she couldn’t share with anyone else; that when she grieved for her husband, she felt a burning anger and a growing fear. Was it normal to suspect your dead husband of cheating on you? She needed to know.
2 (#ulink_5b0bec47-381d-51c4-af53-1e2c8962ff87)
April was about to share her darkest fears with the group, but before she could muster the courage, Nick cleared his throat to speak. The breath April had been holding escaped with a soft gasp, and she was left feeling crushed but temporarily relieved. What if she were wrong to suspect Jason? Worse still, what if she were right?
‘I’ve no idea how I’d fare in a new relationship,’ Nick began. ‘How could anyone compare to Erin when I choose to remember only the best parts of our relationship? I’ll never love anyone like I loved her. She was perfect.’
Nick turned to meet April’s gaze. He was seeking reassurance, but April lowered her head and closed her eyes as a rush of sacred memories assaulted her. She had once thought Jason was perfect too.
‘Would you like to tell us about Erin?’ asked Justine.
‘Sure,’ Nick said. He pulled at his cuff, unable to continue until it was straight. ‘Erin found a lump in her breast and pretty soon after we were told it was cancer. She was only thirty-two and it didn’t seem real.’ He paused a moment before adding, ‘I should explain that Erin and I weren’t married, but I asked Justine and she said it would be OK with you guys.’
Justine nodded. ‘I told Nick we recognise the love between two people and not what’s written on a certificate. Our differences bring us together, they don’t set us apart,’ she said. ‘Lisa and I had a civil partnership, but I’ve never been treated any differently in this group.’
‘Not marrying Erin is one of my deepest regrets,’ Nick admitted. ‘I was stupid. I didn’t appreciate what I had until it was too late. She had treatment, but there were secondaries and she never did get the all-clear we were praying for. The last thing Erin said to me was not to waste my life thinking about what might have been. I couldn’t believe how brave and noble she was, right up to the end.’
‘I’m sure you were brave too,’ said a woman sitting next to Steve. Nadiya was another thirty-something with three children to bring up after her husband had drowned on an ill-fated boat trip.
‘If you’d seen me, you wouldn’t have thought so. I was useless to her.’
‘My husband had cancer too,’ Tara explained. ‘And I remember feeling that sense of impotence. It was their fight, their suffering, and we were the bystanders.’
‘How did you cope?’ Nick asked.
‘I have no idea,’ Tara said, but she glanced at Justine and added, ‘Actually I do. I had family and friends like Justine who looked after me and my baby so I could look after Mike in his last months. I’m sure I appeared brave, but I was a mess inside.’
‘Two years on and I’m still a mess,’ Nick said, head down as he tugged at his shirt sleeve. He sniffed back tears before adding, ‘Sorry.’
There was a pause that no one tried to fill until it became clear that Nick had said as much as he could for his first meeting. One or two people glanced at April. It was her turn, but after listening to Nick, her emotions were pinballing between the pain of her loss and her anger.
Steve was close enough to hear her gulp as she struggled to swallow a mouthful of cold coffee and he offered her a reprieve. ‘It’s not all gloom and doom,’ he said. ‘There are some of us who make new relationships work, aren’t there Tara? Where’s Iain tonight?’
If April wasn’t mistaken, there was a blush rising in Tara’s cheeks. ‘At home looking after the girls.’
‘Your place or his?’ asked Nadiya, quick to join in the teasing that brought light back to a room crowded with ghosts.
‘My flat, although I won’t be living above the shop for much longer. Iain and I have put an offer in for a house around the corner on Pebble Street,’ Tara replied. She bit her lip as she waited for the group’s reaction. It was Nick and April’s frowns she noticed first. ‘Sorry, I should explain. Iain’s another member of the group and this lot have had to listen to us debating whether or not to move in together for a while now. We each have a daughter and we didn’t want to rush things.’
‘And how are the girls taking the news?’ Nadiya asked.
‘We haven’t told them yet, but I know Molly’s going to be thrilled. She’ll be glad not to have to share her poky little bedroom with Lily whenever she stays over.’
‘And what about Lily?’ Justine prompted.
Tara shifted in her seat. ‘That’s going to be more of a challenge. She’ll have to move schools, and, whereas I can keep the flat so we can rent it out, Iain’s putting their house in Widnes on the market. It’s not going to be easy for Lily to leave the place where she lived with her mum, but I hope there are enough positives to outweigh the negatives.’
‘We had to move house because we couldn’t afford to stay where we were,’ said Nadiya. ‘The older two were sobbing their hearts out on the day we left, but they settled eventually.’
‘It’s a new start for all of us.’
‘Do you think Iain will keep coming to the group?’ asked Justine. ‘He’s missed a few now.’
‘You’d have to ask him that, but maybe he has got as much out of the group as he needs,’ Tara replied. Smiling, she added, ‘Possibly more than he was expecting, but that’s the thing, we have each other now and a future to look forward to.’
Justine played with the corner of her clipboard. ‘You make it sound like you’re considering leaving too.’
April tightened her grip on her mug. The others were lovely, but Tara was the one who had persuaded April to join the group and she didn’t want to lose her so soon.
‘No, I have no plans to escape just yet,’ Tara said, falling short of giving them an absolute assurance. She gave a chuckle, but her smile was tight when she added, ‘And who knows? Blending two families could go horribly wrong and we might need you all more than ever.’
After another pause, Justine sat up a little straighter. ‘Are we about done for tonight?’
The thought of leaving without making any contribution was enough for April to regain the courage that had failed her earlier. ‘Can I say something?’ she asked.
‘Don’t feel you have to talk about Jason until you’re ready,’ said Tara.
The sound of Jason’s name falling from the lips of someone who had never known him, in a place he had never been, evoked such bittersweet emotion. April was angry, confused, and possibly paranoid, but she had never lost sight of how much she missed her husband, or how much she had loved him. No one in this room was ever going to meet Jason, but he was the reason she was there. He was what connected her to each and every one of them. She inhaled slowly and her breath vibrated over the thump of her heart.
‘I’ll admit my feelings are confused,’ she began, ‘so I apologise if what I’m about to say doesn’t make sense.’
‘Why don’t you start at the beginning?’ suggested Tara. ‘There’s no rush.’
April nodded. It was as safe a place as any. ‘Jason and I were childhood sweethearts and we managed the whole long-distance relationship while I went off to do my accountancy degree and he took an apprenticeship as a surveyor. When I came back, we ended up working in different departments for the same council. We moved in together and eventually got married just over five years ago. Our lives were perfectly synchronised until the night Jason died in his sleep,’ she said, surprised her voice held despite the crushing pain that made it difficult to breathe. ‘He was gone, just like that.’
‘It happens,’ said Jodie. Nadiya was also nodding.
‘I was told the bleed on his brain had been sudden and catastrophic,’ she said. ‘No one could have known there was a time bomb ticking inside his head, but I do wonder if there were signs. Jason changed in those last few months. I couldn’t do right for doing wrong but we got through last Christmas, and by February, he seemed like his old self. The night before was just an average Tuesday evening at home watching TV, eating pizza and going to bed.’
April didn’t mention the sex, but it had been intense, followed by leftover pizza and slower, more languorous sex until they had fallen asleep utterly and completely sated.
‘I’m pretty sure I woke up with a smile on my face,’ she continued as she closed her eyes and recalled how she had felt that morning. There had been a sense of relief that they were back on track. Whatever had been wrong between them had been fixed.
As the scene played out in her mind, her blood ran cold.
Justine leant in. ‘You don’t have to do this,’ she whispered.
A sob escaped, but April swallowed the next one back. ‘I keep going back over our life together and challenging everything. All the things I should have said, or should have asked but didn’t. I want to know what Jason was thinking. I need to know. There are so many questions. I want … I want …’
Justine patted April’s back as she gasped for air. ‘Maybe that’s enough for one night.’
Through vision blurred with tears, April looked to Tara, who asked, ‘Is that OK with you, April? Do you want to stop there?’
No, thought April. I want to tell you how I spend most nights going through pages and pages of phone bills, emails, and bank account statements as if I’m reading a book that’s been carefully edited so as not to reveal the final twist. If an undetected bleed on the brain hadn’t caused Jason’s change in behaviour, April wanted to know what – or who, had? She didn’t think the group could give her an answer, but she might feel better for asking it. Unfortunately, the only sound she could utter was another sob as someone passed her a tissue.
‘In that case,’ Tara continued, ‘thank you all for coming, and if there are any cupcakes left in the foyer, please take them home.’
‘And before you leave,’ Justine said, raising her voice above the scrape of chair legs, ‘if there’s anyone who hasn’t paid the deposit for the Christmas do, can I have it as soon as?’
