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‘Well we all enjoyed the meal immensely.’ Sam smiled, then helped his children out of their chairs. ‘But I’d better get these two to bed. Santa’s coming tomorrow night and I don’t want them getting out of their routine and being tired and grumpy on Christmas Day.’
‘I don’t believe in Santa, Dad. I told you that!’ The little boy pouted and crossed his arms.
‘What have I told you, Jack?’ Sam’s tone was calm and patient and I watched him carefully, wondering how he would deal with the issue. ‘Jack?’
‘You said that if you don’t believe in Santa, he won’t come.’
‘That’s right,’ my mother said. ‘Isn’t it, Katie?’
As all eyes turned to me, including the children’s, my cheeks burnt. I must have been about Jack’s age when I realised that it was in fact Dad who was filling the stocking hung on my bedpost. Even though he was four years older than me and had started comprehensive school, Karl had still clung to the image of the jolly old fat man and his bag of gifts. However, once I’d discovered the truth, I insisted that he know it too. A precocious eight year old, I’d felt it was my duty to expose the fallacies of childhood at every opportunity. Karl had gone crying to his room and Esther had been beetroot to the roots of her hair and deadly silent. Her silence was far more terrifying than her ranting because I knew it meant she was really pissed at me.
‘Uh…yes…yes it is true. You have to believe!’ I raised my hands and shook them as I stared at the children. Immediately, I felt ridiculous. Why did I do that? Why did I do jazz hands? I took a big swig of port and stared into my glass as my cheeks blazed.
When I raised my eyes again, Jack was looking at me with the suspicion children show to strangers and I have to admit that it unnerved me. Sometimes, kids can look at you in a way that suggests that they just see right through you. Adults often fall for the façade people sometimes erect around themselves because they want to, but children still have enough innocence to wonder why someone isn’t being as forthright as they could be. I’m just not that comfortable around children; they stir too much up. Ann coos over babies when their mothers bring them into the shop and we have colouring books and crayons ready for little ones to use. I smile at the mums and dads who come to Crumbtious as they tell me about their children’s latest achievements and I bake gluten and nut free cookies for the ones with allergies, but I just keep my distance. It’s safer that way. I need to protect my heart.
‘Daddy?’ Holly clung to Sam’s trunk of a thigh, her bottom lip quivering. ‘Isn’t there a Santa?’
Sam swung her up into his arms and I nearly swooned as the muscles strained against the sleeves of his polo shirt. ‘Of course there is, Holly. Jack’s just being a bit grumpy.’
Jack pouted and hung his head but Sam shifted Holly onto his left hip then ruffled Jack’s hair with his right hand. ‘Come on, son. Sportacus and Stephanie will need to go out.’
Jack nodded at this and ran from the room without so much as a goodbye.
‘I’ll see you all tomorrow.’ Sam smiled and caught my eye. My cheeks grew even hotter. Dammit, what was wrong with me? I’d known him practically all my life but here I was like a self-conscious teenager in his presence. As if all those years hadn’t passed and I was still in awe of him like I used to be. As if we hadn’t been through so much, then walked away from each other. As if my heart hadn’t broken into a thousand pieces when we said goodbye.
But he is all grown up now and very yummy. My stomach flipped. He’s also married with two children. Off limits. Forbidden fruit. Part of my past.
And who, on earth, were Sportacus and Stephanie?
Chapter 3 (#ulink_cd5b167b-e6d9-56bc-8040-46bbcdf557ff)
We took our second coffees in the drawing room which was a large airy room at the front of the house. Floor-to-ceiling windows looked out onto spacious gardens that glowed with solar lights in various shapes and colours. Some of the large old trees had been draped with fairy lights and they shimmered like stars in the darkness. It gave the garden a festive feeling which warmed me right through.
I sank onto an overstuffed white sofa that nearly swallowed me whole as pillows puffed up on either side. My belly was full, my legs ached and I was tired but I knew that I’d need to stay up for a bit longer to be sociable.
Aunty Gina and Karl were chatting about their social media accounts; apparently they stayed in contact that way.
‘Are you on Twitter, Katie?’ Gina asked.
I sighed. ‘I am, but only under the shop’s name. I don’t have a personal account.’ Why would I? I barely had time to tweet for the shop let alone about myself. Come to think of it, the only real social networking I indulged in was focused around the business. Yes, I was on Facebook, but that was to keep in touch with Karl when he jetted off around the world filming in exotic locations but I didn’t have many Facebook ‘friends’. I didn’t have many real friends if I was being totally honest. Setting up Crumbtious had taken up all of my time and energy. I’d had little left for Harrison. What man wants a woman who’s always working? I did hope that he was happy now, that he was moving on and enjoying the life he’d wanted to live. And that he would have a good Christmas this year. Just not with me.
‘Katie?’ Gina cocked her head on one side. ‘You seem tired, dear. Perhaps you should get to bed. It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow and Santa will be coming.’ She flashed me her scarlet-lipped smile and I noticed that she’d cleared away the smudged lipstick and reapplied another coat. Her eyes glistened though, betraying the effect of the alcohol she’d consumed.
‘I guess I am a bit tired. It’s been a busy month. It would be nice if Santa really was coming tomorrow.’
‘How does that joke go, Katie?’ Karl asked. ‘Oh I know. Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year and then it’s down the chimney. Boom! Boom!’
I tried to smile but the evening had stirred up a myriad of emotions and I couldn’t help thinking: Why doesn’t Katie Warham have any kids? Because she only comes with a battery-operated device and she’s far too busy to bag a man. Boom! Boom!
‘Right, well I’m exhausted, so I’m going to head off up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire!’ Gina announced as she reached for Tanberk’s hand.
I smiled at her use of Granny’s phrase that had confused me as a child, prompting me to ask my Dad, How is there a place called Bedfordshire upstairs in Granny’s house?
Tanberk got to his feet and nodded at us all, then allowed Gina to lead him to bed. I’m sure he looked a bit scared. Rebecca followed them soon after, her iPad gripped firmly in her hand as it had been since dinner; an anti-social teenager of the technological revolution. I briefly wondered what the future held for her. Would she actually interact with other people face-to-face or would her social life and her career be conducted online?
‘I’m quite tired too,’ Angelo said. ‘I think I’ll take a soak in the bath then get some sleep.’
‘I’ll be up in a bit,’ Karl replied as he kissed him before he left the room.
Karl came over to my sofa. ‘Hey, Sis, can I finally have some of your time?’
I linked arms with him as he sat down. ‘Of course you can, Big Brother.’
‘You’ve been so busy lately that I’ve been worried about you. Mum and Dad said they’ve hardly seen you since the funeral.’ He gazed at me and I half expected to see a reprimand in his eyes, but all I saw was affection and concern. ‘You’re working too hard, Kitty-Kat.’
‘I know, Karl, I know. But the business is doing so well.’
‘Then employ another person.’
I nodded. ‘We have had two temporary employees working weekends over the Christmas period and we might well ask them to stay on next year – even if it’s just for a few hours here and there. But it’s still been really busy recently.’
‘Your problem is that you’re a workaholic. You know—’ He placed a finger on his chin and scrunched up his face dramatically. ‘I zink zat you are using ze job as a way to forget ozer zings.’
I laughed at his terrible Freud impression. ‘Stop trying to psychoanalyse me, Karl. I just want the business to succeed.’
‘It is succeeding, silly. But you need to live, Baby Sister, before you turn around and find yourself an old spinster. Life won’t wait for you!’ He wagged his finger. ‘I’m just concerned that you’re keeping busy as a way to avoid facing up to the fact that your life is otherwise empty, Katie.’
I sank backwards into the cushions and stared at the ornate Artex on the ceiling. I traced the circles with my eyes, round and round and round. Karl was right. Life wouldn’t wait for me and apart from my family, Ann and Crumbtious, there wasn’t anyone or anything else that really mattered to me. Undeniably, I had moments of panic where I wondered if I’d ever meet the right guy and sometimes I heard my biological clock ticking but I always tried to muffle the sound. Not every woman had to have kids. I was lucky. I had a job I loved and a best friend and a family. Admittedly, I had a family I didn’t see as often as I could do, but they were there and they knew I loved them. Although since losing Granny I had been more aware of the fact that I could actually lose the rest of them too and that thought had kept me awake for more nights than I cared to admit.
‘I just want to see you happy, Katie.’ Karl kissed my cheek and smoothed my curls from my forehead, then gently examined my tender bruise. ‘Harrison was the wrong guy. He messed up but there are other men out there.’
‘And all the good ones are gay.’ I grinned and tweaked his nose.
‘Hey!’ He swatted my hand. ‘But sadly, you’re probably right, Kitty-Kat. I mean, there’s me and then there’s Angelo.’
‘He’s an absolute dream.’
‘Isn’t he just? You know, I think that he might just be…the one.’
‘Oooh!’ I clapped my hands. ‘Are we going to have a wedding?’
‘Well one of us better get hitched soon to keep the matriarch happy.’ He giggled as he glanced at our mother and I joined him. I would much prefer Karl to experience her interference in his wedding any day. Just the thought of trying to please her as I made wedding plans turned me cold. Yes, Karl could be the one to get married and perhaps he could be the one to have kids. As for me, I would just have to eat cake and get a cat.
‘Oh and, Kitty-Kat, I do love you, so you’d prefer me to be honest with you, right?’
My heart sank. What did he have to tell me? What had I done, or failed to do?
‘Ur…yeah.’ I bit my lip.
‘You need to tone it down a bit.’
‘Tone what down?’
‘The bronzer. You’d fit right in on a reality-TV show with your face caked like that. Actually, you’d make a few of those girls look anaemic.’
I covered my cheeks with my hands. What did he mean? It hadn’t been very bright in my room when I’d gotten ready and I had been in kind of a rush.
I stood and peered at my reflection in the mirror above the fireplace. Oh no! I resembled an Oompa Loompa with cheeks to rival Aunt Sally. If Worzel Gummidge could see me now, he’d be offering me a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake. Even worse, was knowing that Sam had seen me like this. So when I’d flattered myself by thinking he was smiling at me over dinner, fantasising that he might be thinking I’d matured into a belle to rival Angelina Jolie – the wine was strong – he must actually have been laughing quietly at my toxic-orange face. How awful! I’d never be able to face him again! I’d have to stay in my room all through the holidays. I would have to hide myself away.
Suddenly grumpy, I asked, ‘Why is Sam here?’ I sank back into my seat and accepted the tissue that Karl offered.
‘Didn’t I tell you last week on the phone? It was a busy one with trying to wrangle my latest contract and jetting back from visiting Angelo’s family in Verona. I must have forgotten and I feel terrible now.’
I shook my head as I rubbed furiously at my cheeks with the tissue until my skin tingled. ‘No, you didn’t say anything about him coming too.’
‘Well he did only decide last minute really. But I thought that it would do him good to get away. I was afraid that it would be weird for the two of you but as so much has happened since…since then, I hoped that you’d be okay with it. It’s the first anniversary, you see, and I didn’t want him and the kids home alone. At least here he can have the privacy and space of the old lodge just off the driveway, whilst being near to us – if and when he needs company.’
‘Anniversary?’
I watched his lips moving as I tried to absorb what he was saying and the words seemed familiar somehow. While I’d been wrapped up in my business and trying to maintain a charade of a relationship with Harrison, one of our oldest friends had been through hell. Correct that; the man I’d once loved with all my heart had been through hell. Sam had lost his wife a year ago on Boxing Day. She was a nurse and she’d been driving to work when she’d been hit by a drunk driver. She’d died instantly and left behind Sam and their two children. My vision blurred. A family had been torn apart, leaving a husband without a wife and two children without a mother.
‘So Christmas will be a truly dreadful time for them then?’ My voice came out all thick and slurry.
Karl eyed me carefully. ‘Yes, Katie. Sam’s parents have been great but they needed a break and jetted off to Italy. They asked Sam to join them but he declined. Said he needed to start standing on his own two feet. I really admire him. He’s a strong guy and he’s doing a great job of bringing up Jack and Holly. Even if Jack isn’t a Santa believer.’ He cocked an eyebrow.
‘Well,’ I swallowed the lump in my throat, ‘we have a duty to make this Christmas a great one for them, don’t we?’ I was filled with a sudden determination. ‘I want to help those babies to enjoy a good old Warham family Christmas that Granny would be proud of.’
Karl gestured at the other side of the room where Mum and Dad were sitting. ‘You sure about that last bit? I know Mum and dad are on board but with Aunty Gina here it could get a bit…crazy at times.’
‘You mean because Granny’s not here to rein her in?’
He grinned. ‘I think she’s mellowed a bit as she’s aged. She’s not half as wild any more.’
I pictured the Christmas when Gina had quite literally climbed the Christmas tree, then the one when she’d insisted that we all stay at a cottage in West Wales and take a Boxing Day swim in the freezing cold sea. She’d certainly been wild at times. ‘Yes, let’s have a good old Warham family Christmas with Santa and a Christmas tree and decorations and crackers and carols and lots of yummy food.’
‘Well seeing as how tomorrow is Christmas Eve, we’re going to have to rise bright and early to achieve all that. Better hit the sack immediately. I’ll give you a call around five, shall I?’
Five? ‘Yeah sure. I’ll be ready.’ And I would be. I had the opportunity to think about something else other than work – though I would need to text Ann to make sure that everything at the shop ran smoothly. Time to stop worrying about whether I had the capacity to fall in love or even the compassion and understanding required by another person. It was time to think about making some other people happy. I mean, my beautiful cakes made people happy all the time, but in this case I was going to create a special Christmas to remember for an old friend and his young children. Because even though Sam and I had once been so much more, he was, ultimately, one of my best friends growing up. Yes things had gone wrong but that happens in life, not all relationships work out and life is not a fairy tale. And there had been reasons for our split that would have tested any relationship.
For the first time in ages, when I climbed between the cool cotton sheets that night, I didn’t pass out from exhaustion. Instead, I drifted gently off to sleep, with a smile on my face and the tingle of hope and anticipation in my belly.
Chapter 4 (#ulink_16f0584f-61f3-500d-9237-043f2e6d80f2)
Christmas Eve I woke up bright and early feeling incredibly refreshed and positive. I bounced out of bed and into the shower, then rummaged through my clothes. After selecting black leggings, a long-sleeved tunic and pulling on my battered old cowboy boots, I was ready for whatever the day would bring. I checked my iPhone. It was five forty-five am. So early! Karl hadn’t woken me at five, as promised, but part of me had doubted that he would. My brother had always liked his bed and now that he had a hot Italian lover to share it with, he’d find it even harder to leave it, no doubt.
I ran a brush through my hair, then sighed. It just never did what I wanted it to do; instead it sprang stubbornly off in all directions. I shrugged. I’d spent my teenage years longing for different hair, a different figure, a different me altogether. I was past thirty now, so it was time to accept what I’d been given.
Right, what was it I’d said last night? I would do my best to ensure that Sam and his children enjoyed Christmas. He was a nice guy and had been a very good friend. I’d cried on his shoulder many times and fallen asleep in his arms. Of course, those shoulders and arms of his hadn’t been quite so broad back then but he had been able to make me feel safe and loved. Until the unthinkable happened and I’d been thrown into a chasm of vulnerability that no one had been able to rescue me from. Only time had helped; that and throwing myself into pursuing my chosen career, but I knew that I wasn’t completely fixed. I harboured a doubt that I ever would be.
My stomach growled. Time for breakfast and some strong coffee. Not that I needed it to wake up this morning because excitement was coursing through my veins like a fine pinot noir, but because coffee was part of my daily routine. And I liked it – a lot. Cappuccino. Latte. Espresso. With milk or without. Whatever form it took, caffeine was my wake-up drink of choice. I crossed the room and pulled the curtains apart, then gasped.
It had snowed overnight. The barn and the cars had a fluffy white dusting and when I craned my neck to peer down the driveway, I could see that the trees had the same. It was a picture-perfect postcard. I wondered if Jack and Holly would be excited. We could make a snowman and have a snowball fight with Karl and Dad and go sledging and… Hold on a moment, lady! Was I actually looking forward to spending time with children? With my family? Or was I getting carried away as I had a tendency to do? Harrison used to call moments like these my Kat-nip Hypers, when I’d have bursts of hyperactivity and be full of energy and positivity. I liked to think that it was my optimistic side, my youthful exuberance shining through. Had he been right advising me to ‘rein it in a little’, because all too often, if things didn’t go quite as planned, I could end up dejected?
I shook my head. No. He was not right about me. I did not need to be completely in control. Just watch me. Today I would be chilled, relaxed, floaty. A bit like Aunty Gina. I’d go with the proverbial flow. Gah! Well, I would try, at least.
In the kitchen, Mum was already preparing breakfast. ‘Morning, Katie.’ She cast me a sideways glance as she poured freshly boiled water onto coffee.
‘Morning. Sleep well?’
‘If you can call tossing and turning until I finally passed out from sheer exhaustion well…then…I mean, yes, thank you.’ She wrinkled her perfectly straight nose.
Did she just auto-correct herself? ‘My bed was really comfy. Wasn’t yours?’
‘Not really, Katie. For some reason our room has a waterbed.’ She shivered as if the final word was dirt encrusted.
‘A waterbed?’ I gasped in mock horror, swallowing my laughter.
‘Keep your voice down,’ she muttered. ‘All night long, every time your father moved, all I could hear was sloshing and slooshing beneath me. I felt quite seasick.’
My mother was admitting to a weakness – even if it was an aversion to waterbeds. I pressed my lips together hard. ‘Did Dad sleep?’
‘Like a well-rocked baby.’ She sighed as she poured milk into large mugs with colourful Christmas scenes painted on them. I stared at the heart lifting images of families sledging, carol singers crowded together around a glowing brazier and Santa Claus flying through the air in his sleigh pulled by a red nosed reindeer.
‘Have you looked outside, Mum?’
She nodded.
‘It actually snowed last night!’ I gave a little bounce.
‘Snow? Looks like a heavy fros— Yes, it’s beautiful. Could you give me a hand please, Katie?’ Mum smiled then and I nearly lost my balance. What on earth was going on?
‘Yeah…sure. What do you want me to do?’
She directed me to the bacon and the frying pan and I spent the next ten minutes happily breathing in the delicious aroma of smoked bacon and humming along to the carols on the radio. Mum even joined in when Elvis crooned ‘It’ll be lonely this Christmas’. It wasn’t so bad being with Esther like this. It wasn’t like we’d ever be best friends but we had cooked together quite a lot when I was growing up and it seemed to be the one time when we could tolerate being in close proximity.
When everything was ready – buttered toast, fried bacon, mushrooms, huge juicy grilled tomatoes and poached eggs – we carried it all into the dining room. Dad was there reading the newspaper and looking like the lord of the manor.
‘Morning!’ I sang. ‘How’d you get the papers so early?’
‘Your father popped out before we all woke up,’ Mum replied and her cheeks flushed bright pink. Was she hiding something? ‘I’ll just fetch the toast.’
I watched her leave, frowning with confusion as the toast was already on the table. Why had she fled to the kitchen? What were they up to?
‘Hey, Katie. How’d you sleep?’ Dad seemed to suddenly notice me.
‘Great thanks, Dad.’ I kissed him on his proffered cheek.
‘Good morning, Warhams.’ Karl entered the room followed by Angelo. They really were the most gorgeous couple. Karl was the perfect athletic blonde with his golden skin and expensively highlighted hair and Angelo was dark, brooding and tight-bodied. Their joy in each other just oozed out of them in a smug, sated, sensual way.
